Sunday, November 02, 2008

Restless Irritable Discontented? Go to a meeting!

I SHOULD know by now
if I think I a meeting will help?
it probably will
It was raining last night
I couldnt settle
I didnt want to go out in the rain...
and I didnt want to sit feeling restless..
yet the restlessness had become
unmanageable that I couldnt do ANYTHING!
or NOTHING! you know that one?!
I called up a local AA
and she said
well i'm going to the meeting its my home group
I do service, so I go whether its raining or not..
why dont you come, I could drop you home
if I can find my way..
I could hear myself coming up with excuses
I could hear myself..!
you know if it were my home group
I would be going toooo...
it isnt, so whats the difference
anyway I went, it stopped raining so hard
by the time I left home
and I felt better for going!
Quelle suprise
I need grounding
so much going on
meetings and God are stability
in uncertain and challenging times
that dark voice is whispering stuff at me
and I dont like it!
I feel so self obsessed its unbearable
selfish and thoughtless
Like no-one ever felt like am now feeling
yet right now as I write this I feel
almost ok
reminded, my pain is all in my mind
yet again
I see the grave emotional and mental disorder
that I have
even when I HAVE everything I want
and need
I still feel afraid
the disease that wants more
and is afraid of losing
or not being able to cope
is afraid of change
and assumes the worst
and everything
is a deliberate attempt to sabotage
my life

I felt like someone had ripped a huge
elastoplast of me in the last hour at work
on Friday..
Financial insecurity
somethings stopped working
hearts not in it
and it wont return
I keep trying
Time to

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.P98

I was terrified and in panic on Friday
went to home group
in fact I couldnt wait to be there
God will always provide
Saturday it shifted
went to a meeting
and today I feel
more towards peaceful

I am enjoying my new home
in fact I love it
even though I have teething problems
cant work out the heating timer
no hot water, only heating
then only hot water and no heating
Did some cooking today
and gardening
and studying
and shopped
and yoga
and praying

and my heating finally came on! YAY!
I think! I know how it works now :)

Golden Brown - Stranglers

1 comment:

AlkySeltzer said...

Funny thing, I was NEVER restless, irritable, and discontented while I was drinking. Only after my first AA meeting, and even to this day, does that ever happen to me...well not so much any more.