Monday, November 24, 2008

Do what you can . Not what you cant . or and acceptance is the answer...

I have accepted that changing
IS taking place whether I embrace it or not
and although I didnt know I was fighting it
my physical health tells me I have been

Its official I have let go some!
and I am changing, transforming
into what? God knows

Do what you can
not what you cant
I have been feeling less than
because I havent been able to do things
which I see my AA peers doing
and wondering whether I am making the progress
I think I am
and no matter how much
I try and do them things
its not possible
the doors keep shutting
I remain willing though

I am accepting sponsorship is
not on Gods plan for me at the moment
what I am seeing is that
he wants me integrating locally
not as an alcoholic
but as a good human being
(that you made me)
I found a local church
not of the denomination I would have
ordinarily chosen
but I went and joined in some
err fellowship believe it or not
and felt welcomed, part of

yeh its pretty lonely here
studying and working
meeting times are few and far between
BUT they would have been had I not moved
this is NOT a location issue
energy levels are depleting
God found me a church 7minutes walk away
in the heart of the neighbourhood
and they are active in stuff

also whats been suggested is
some voluntary work locally
to compliment my studies
i have no idea how I am to fit all this in
i am knackered already
but what I do know
is that if God wants me doing it
he WILL provide me what I need to do it

Its pretty challenging trying to figure out
what Gods will is for me
because it keeps changing
i know not to fight it
but what I dont know yet is often how to recognise
the change over signals
i'm still trying to climb the barbed wire fence
to what I know, what is familiar
when actually he wants me somewhere else
thats why the fence went up

Nightmares are coming
weird stuff
I mean weird
fraid of sleeping again
although that wont stop me
its all part of my mind reacting to the change
it knows is coming
all part of acceptance completely

This last week or so I am questioning
why I am studying
I am finding it very difficult
doing it, working out whats required
and fitting it all in
with work as well and all that
i dunno whats gonna happen
its affecting work
and work is affecting study
I am struggling to separate the two
so the desparate part of me says
well quit the course then!
the faithful and truthful part goes
well you only want to quit cos you
dont want to fail or get a crap mark!
and whet the heck will I do
IF I dont do this?
dispappear back into the rooms
and become a meeting junkie
and get bitter... like I used to be
if nothing changes they stop as they are
and for this ex drunk, who never took risks
life has become one continual risk
its a flippin good job you are here GOD
and I am with you GOD
what the feck

I am freezing
cant get my heating to work properly
making do... with what I have
NOT what I havent!
Duvets, sweaters, layers
whats that no one ever died from cold!
err yes they did haha...
I am not that cold! exagerating
but its cold...
and when I was in the great war
we never had heating
only candles and fingerless gloves

ok, i'm off to do some more study
make another cuppa coffee
make an honest attempt
at another assignment
and see what happens

yours knackerdly grateful and sober
smiling with a snot icicle forming

God said
Johno remember you agreed to go to anylengths
My will not yours be done
well you are!
that praying you stepped out and did during the day?
do more of it
and that reading you did this morning?
do it again tomorrow
blind faith, obedience
persistance with less resistance
get on with it
and trust me
I love you

I love You too


AlkySeltzer said...

Wow, you covered a lot of ground--an eight-mile run? -grin

The first half of your poast I really REALLY needed to read--it is so difficult to say "No", even if it's only to myself. But, as you, I'm learning.

Other thought: Someone told me once(t) that when I cannot figure God's will for me, just figure what AIN'T His will for me, and work from that viewpoint.

Last thought (amongst MANY, believe me!) is to GET YOUR FECK'N HEATING FIXED! I love warmth so much, since I was age 4, that I;ve always pictured hell as freezing cold--always--that would be mine, anyway--so I ain't going there, for sure!

johno said...

last 2 points good ones! thanks you...
Heating man cant figure out what it is either!

House is bizarrely warmer since I wrote my post and
I have just moved my pc into the smallest warmest room in the house!

Again I cant have pc in the room I want, so I have it in the room perhaps I need it for now!
Make do with what you have, not what you havent!

God I am so self willed without relaising it! its very apparant isnt it. Wish i was perfect

cheers AS

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

change is tricky!
out with the old! scary!

whoever thought doing a degree on top of a full time job was easy??? just us crazy alkies.
yeah its hard.
yeah it means less of the old familar life
yeah it means less energy

but its doable
BTW !!! everyone wants to give up at some point. just the crazy ol head telling you you are sh*t as usual
its lonely studying as you see people less than normal. social obligations can become onerous.

heheh i got completely distracted by the idea of setting up a project in second life.(virtual world)
dont start! as its addictive!
but yeah bored of it as you need a bit of know how to create buidlings and environments in there.
but yeah its a weird form of online social interaction. like blogging is weird, but different.
the last thing you need right noe is another distraction!!
life is actually quite hard, but people tend to not want to broadcast that. its not fashionable to say so. but it is.
for me, the just for today card helps me when i have too much to do and 'doing one thing i dont want' is the only way to start. I can very easily get overwhelmed by the pile of tasks in front of me so I need a way to make it start-able.
less second life, more graft would help! :)

Syd said...

You might want to get one of those electric radiator heaters. Those are great. I have one for the dogs in their special room and it stays toasty for them. I don't want you to freeze Johno.