Monday, November 03, 2008

Dont listen to your head... when you are full of fear or have defective thinking

But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened.P37

See I have discussed some of my stuff
from Friday with my manager
and she already knows
I am a reflector
and what I said on Friday
will undoubtedly somewhat have changed
by today
and its true
it has
I can see now where the fear wanted me
outer there as far away as possible
but I can see today
the its not necessary to run off
no need to go anywhere infact
until they close the door and tell me so

The next few days
I feel will reveal alot about
the future at work
short term
stuff I am powerless over
and I have a work review on Friday
action is done
its time to let go

what I mean by the title is that
before it seemed like a good idea
to take a drink
these stuations were definitely
where I would either be in the bar
or at home replaying stuff over and over
predicting, making plans and schemes
well I cant stop the tape so to speak
but I can take action
so while the tapes playing
I can do, that it do the next right thing
regardless of what The Head tells me

The facts are its ok
good budgetting is essential
luxury is out the window
for the moment
but then its how I want to live anyway
I have what I need
and it is actually what I want

its only my head that tells me otherwise
my heart however... is happy
although it could do with a cuddle
and someone to write my essay!

home is where the heart is.. at its most happiest
yet as I research my essay
I really see ho good I got it
compared to some

John butler Trio - Home is where the heart is

is the destruction that fear from within creates
less than the destruction caused from without?
or is all destruction equal?


Syd said...

I think that the fear from within is worse for me.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

perhaps the fear from 'within' is happening in the same place as the fear from 'without'

One of the quotes i love amaro uses is

The awareness that the body is moving (when he is talking about walking) ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE

i find that one a bit scary. a bit freaky. because its true. the difference between how the senses convey the world to us and the REALITY are two scarily different things. one bears no resemblance to the other. all this self and other. here and there. its all just a trick of the mind. its kind of freaky. oh well. amaro manages (somehow!) to make it all sound ? normal. meaning not like a mad person. which is MUCH less deflating to the ego.

anyway. on a practical note. most tight budget when buying new stuff. plus most will do that anyway now.
but yeah. all we can do is try to be vigilant.
yeah doing a degree places you in a much stronger position.

re essay. ask to see someone's fr0m last year. dont they have an essay gallery somewhere?
do a rough plan and show it to your ? education support officer if you have one, or send an email bullet point draft to your seminar tutor of that subject.

writing essays is a skill in itself. footnotes. citations.
use word to write it. soon it will be like old hat. but if you are new to it it seems scary.
remember how much STUFF there was in AA to begin with? well its like that. seems scary at the start. overwhelming. too much. un doable. but something emerges out of the fog. Eventually! you just gotta keep paddling till you see it!
one quote every 100 words. google book search. acrobat professional is good if you can get your hands on it.
write the intro at the end. meaning once you have finished the essay. the very last thing you do.. its a summary of what the effing 'ell you are about to bore em to death with!!. they !! like that!