Sunday, April 23, 2006

A quarter of a year has past.....

Since I last blogged.
Mum got sick
she got sicker
She died

The amazing thing is all through this I have been looked after...
I have had an inner strength which i cannot explain

At times when i would have expected full on self pity there was none

when I expected greed, there was none

when I expected sulking, there was very little

What I have now is to allow myself to grieve
bit not wallow in self pity & analysis

to allow the truth to come about the relationship
the real stuff

To share with God what i feel, felt is a gift
to be able to cry is a gift
to comfort rather than to be comforted
to allow people to love me in their own way
to understand rather than to be understood

to keep showing up
to allow my imperfect self to show up
to be able to greive is a gift, some people never get this

some people i hear, get married in grief
some people bottle up and breakdown years later

I kept on with my best on each day
have the willingness to step up a gear when i can
progress not perfection

I have just Step4 a year of dishonesty, seen how much i was using, relying, depending upon people to get me through.
Interestingly for me, the last 4days of this step4, each time i sat down to do it I had a vivid taste & smell of vodka which wouldnt shift.
The disease of my mind is very powerful it really wants me drinking.
I checked everything, nothing in food, washing powder nothing...its all centred in the mind.

Recently trudging became harder, sludging really
I questioned my labor, my actions.
Yes always room for improvement to be made
But I wasnt able
Tired, exhausted
upset, sleepless nights
simple jobs became difficult & impossible
sounds like untreated alcohol
grieving over the loss of someone, instead of something...alcohol
Stayed honest & willing & openminded...

I started to get lonely, no identification
I had to check in with other greivers as my family were just FINE!!!
As soon as i checked out the symptoms of grief
Identification, ok I accept
now the road am trudging isnt as sludgy
its levelling out again
the lack of fellow people grievers doesnt seem to matter

grief seems to have similar symptoms regardless of whether its people places & things.
same symptoms we just suffer them at different degrees at different times

well thats how it is for me anyway

as usual I am grateful
for having an unshakeable faith in honesty
For step10's
For a gentle loving God
For being very sober
for the willlingness to try
for trying to hear Gods will not mine
for trying to do Gods will not mine
for losing this faulty dependence upon people
for noticing this reliance on God can also bring about an arrogance
for remembering I am not God, just trying to do Gods will
for being ready to not let my defects take control
For everything AA has given me so far
For having been born (thanks mum)
For understanding a little more about the meaning of life
Unity, Recovery, Service
Unconditional Love
Progress not perfection

Keep coming back