Saturday, November 29, 2008

I know that He will find me ...

Dougie Maclean - she will find me

Dougie Maclean - she will find me
Although I an running recklessly
I know that He will find me

sometimes we search to deep
thats when the darkness feeds our fear
we turn away from one and another
just incase we get to near

I know that He will find me
even though i hiding with the shadows that I chase
even though I am running blindly
I know that He will find me

Its time to stop running
backing off
and stand still
see what happens
turn towards
face the light
open eyes
head up
walk on

Friday, November 28, 2008


enough now
time for some action
am I serious or not
I had to prove by action I was serious about recovery
action meant written work!
I have to prove I am serious about improving my conscious contact

If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one’s priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer. p87

i have

We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. p68

i will

somethings happened
a spiritual experience
somethings starting to feel
like its penetrating
where it needs to be
in my heart
its taking time
and willingness
and much pain
the battle inside me
is massive
and much turmoil
big storm
and I am being
tossed around
I feel a strength
a powerful hand of God
every time I get struck
from onside or another
the flimsy reed i imagined it was
is really all powerful
3 dimensional
4th dimensional even!
always is
i know
i feel
i love

you know I dont think I have cried
as much as I have this year
its exhausting
but must be necessary
or i would hold back
and resist!
I cant any more
it just comes
am powerless
crying most weeks
not every day
the truth
coming up left right and centre
too hard to keep track of

Last night I let go
today I changed
or is it really
today I came to accept
came to believe
what you already know to be true

ok i'm off to read
show willing

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Chris Cornell - I found him tonight...

Chris Cornell - You got to hide your love away (Beatles)

here's more

and more

Love the acoustic

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Heating somehow fixed itself!?

had to turn it off
was too hot
what the feck!?
Still it made me move
my study stuff ... to the hmm .. study
wi fi didnt work last night
works tonight...
reckon it was in The Plan all along huh
I just hadnt twigged it!
well dad suggested it when I moved in
I didnt and did it my way
which is always best NOT!

ok i'm off another assignment to tackle
two days til i get a 4 day break!?
two days to hand this in

you lot all are so caring :)
thanks all noted
am considering a heater for my kitchen
its the only room avec no heat
we'll see

feeling better today
less hopeless
more hopefull
and made some progress
in some areas mentally
and physically less sick!

reading page 86 twice a day
and page 86 to end of chapter
once a day
and praying through the day
pass it on..

as for distractions
I havent the time or the inclination thesedays
to look at more distractions
handing the existing and old ones over
are enough
I try at all time to remember my primary purpose
In all areas/my affairs
focus focus focus
its often more helpful
to keep it simple
blogging and facebook
are enough distractions when I let them
whilst they serve a very important
role for me to keep in touch
with valuable fellowship
and overseas family
and somewhere to out the STUFF
I need them both at the moment
I need also to live more in the real world
real projects
real people
its in the Plan
my head tells me otherwise
God tells me so
no time for second life
This life is what I am to focus on
heating, light, health and food being primary!
Just for today I will be happy...
Just for today, I will find my just for today card
and read it!
thanks for the reminder

For the record... I am warm and snug
upstairs in the err 4th dimensional study
heat rises

Monday, November 24, 2008

Do what you can . Not what you cant . or and acceptance is the answer...

I have accepted that changing
IS taking place whether I embrace it or not
and although I didnt know I was fighting it
my physical health tells me I have been

Its official I have let go some!
and I am changing, transforming
into what? God knows

Do what you can
not what you cant
I have been feeling less than
because I havent been able to do things
which I see my AA peers doing
and wondering whether I am making the progress
I think I am
and no matter how much
I try and do them things
its not possible
the doors keep shutting
I remain willing though

I am accepting sponsorship is
not on Gods plan for me at the moment
what I am seeing is that
he wants me integrating locally
not as an alcoholic
but as a good human being
(that you made me)
I found a local church
not of the denomination I would have
ordinarily chosen
but I went and joined in some
err fellowship believe it or not
and felt welcomed, part of

yeh its pretty lonely here
studying and working
meeting times are few and far between
BUT they would have been had I not moved
this is NOT a location issue
energy levels are depleting
God found me a church 7minutes walk away
in the heart of the neighbourhood
and they are active in stuff

also whats been suggested is
some voluntary work locally
to compliment my studies
i have no idea how I am to fit all this in
i am knackered already
but what I do know
is that if God wants me doing it
he WILL provide me what I need to do it

Its pretty challenging trying to figure out
what Gods will is for me
because it keeps changing
i know not to fight it
but what I dont know yet is often how to recognise
the change over signals
i'm still trying to climb the barbed wire fence
to what I know, what is familiar
when actually he wants me somewhere else
thats why the fence went up

Nightmares are coming
weird stuff
I mean weird
fraid of sleeping again
although that wont stop me
its all part of my mind reacting to the change
it knows is coming
all part of acceptance completely

This last week or so I am questioning
why I am studying
I am finding it very difficult
doing it, working out whats required
and fitting it all in
with work as well and all that
i dunno whats gonna happen
its affecting work
and work is affecting study
I am struggling to separate the two
so the desparate part of me says
well quit the course then!
the faithful and truthful part goes
well you only want to quit cos you
dont want to fail or get a crap mark!
and whet the heck will I do
IF I dont do this?
dispappear back into the rooms
and become a meeting junkie
and get bitter... like I used to be
if nothing changes they stop as they are
and for this ex drunk, who never took risks
life has become one continual risk
its a flippin good job you are here GOD
and I am with you GOD
what the feck

I am freezing
cant get my heating to work properly
making do... with what I have
NOT what I havent!
Duvets, sweaters, layers
whats that no one ever died from cold!
err yes they did haha...
I am not that cold! exagerating
but its cold...
and when I was in the great war
we never had heating
only candles and fingerless gloves

ok, i'm off to do some more study
make another cuppa coffee
make an honest attempt
at another assignment
and see what happens

yours knackerdly grateful and sober
smiling with a snot icicle forming

God said
Johno remember you agreed to go to anylengths
My will not yours be done
well you are!
that praying you stepped out and did during the day?
do more of it
and that reading you did this morning?
do it again tomorrow
blind faith, obedience
persistance with less resistance
get on with it
and trust me
I love you

I love You too

Friday, November 21, 2008

Motives - Perseverence - Obedience

Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.p27

Its time to take inventory
look at my motives
for why I do things
why I dont do things
are they working
why not
is it in keeping with spiritual principles
or driven by ego, greed, pride and fear?
self will

Even my motives for attending meetings
AA work... need a an honest look
so I am taking stock
on everything
I have too

God grant me the courage
to accept the things I connot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference

Gods will and willingness
a decision to do Gods will not mine! Step 3
an extraordinary combination
required over and over aagain

Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. p85

I have had a spiritual experience this week
or is it hit a wall
tried to smash through ut
lay down surrendered
and as a result have been lifted up and over

I have also done a few things
which I am not sure that I am comfortable with
behaviours/actions that I had stopped doing
for one reason or another
are they relevant again now?
They were not helpful actions then
but after a period of abstinence
and a change on my inside
have these same behaviours/actions
now become acceptable agian to me
albeit they are not exactly the same as they were before
rightsized, trimmed down and more healthy?
more in keeping with current
healthier lifestyle...
I will come back to you on that one
too early to know and say

I hear a Joyce Meyer on the God channnel tonight
say something like
when you are following Gods will
you will get knocked down
and get up
again and again and again and again
and again and again
you may lose what seems like everything
but the rewards are so rich
when you feel like you have ended up in the wilderness
you may have actually found heaven

giving into desires
does not necessarily lead to happiness
neither does not having desires
giving in to sin, defects of character
flaws, imperfections, addictions whatever they may be
obsessive thinking, stinking thinking
leads to unhappiness

God never promised US perfection
keep on keeping on
until HE SAYS your done!

Joyce also said
you need people around to tell you the truth
tell you when you are not walking the walk
I agree, truth teller are essential
I would also add
even when I think they are wrong
the feedback is so important
because somewhere along the line
they are right!

I have heard this principle suggested to me
a couple of times now in the last 6 months
in different contexts
and I have passed it on to a couple of people

Rather like
sick as your secrets so out them
cast them out into the light
make these secrets accountable
when they are out, they lose their power

well this too can happen when
decisions are made
casting them out into the light
sharing them
making the decision real
strengthens it
and can also feel different
feel real or weak and shallow
then perhaps more prayer
or guidance as to motives may be required
my experience anyway

Had a night in tonight
I am exhausted
I cannot continue
the way I am
even the good things
are becoming detriMENTAL!
change is required

God show me what you want me to do...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Sometimes All I need is the air that I breathe...

If I could make a wish I think I'd pass
Can't think of anything I need
No cigarettes, no sleep, no light, no sound
Nothing to eat no books to read
Making love with you, has left me peaceful warm inside
What more could I ask
There's nothing left to be desired

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
Just to have you now
All I need is the air that I breathe you're all I want

Peace came upon me and it breathes in me
Don't sleep silent angel don't you sleep

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
just to have you now
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe you're all I want

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe

for fresh air
sea breeze
and tolerence
bright blue eyes
what I have
the air that I breathe

Monday, November 17, 2008

Let go and let God - Lighten up - step 3

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence. P133
(bus 133 used to take me home
from London Bridge ;)

feeling better again
sense of humour resuming THANK FRIKKIN GOD FOR THAT!
fear gone!
I dont know what I dont know
and whilst I project
I am missing out on the present moment
which is actually very good
I am working with another
a winner! and he is showing me
how we can work together
I feel like I have some
clear direction at last at work
my primary purpose?
to be of maximum helpfulness
volunteer not victim

I am still lacking on working with
other alkies
I am not really sure what the impact on this is having
how would I know!
Misery is optional...
my recent miserableness
could be put down to my lack of prayer and regular inventory
and lots of self will and fear!
would working with newcomers have helped
of course!

We make our own misery
... last as long as we like
I guess I dragged it out longer than
I actually could have done
... or could I?!

Sober and with direction
and a semblence of peace

Saturday, November 15, 2008

The critical point - is merely a jumping of point - a turning point

its the point where I turn away
or its the point where I turn towards
its the point where I ask for help
its the point to choose
its the point to accept spiritual help
its the point of surrender
its the point of no return
its the point of keeping on
its the point where faith is required
its the point where I hear its the pits
AND its the point where I hear the voices
in my head of AA's in meetings
over the last 5 years saying
dont quit before the miracle
its the point where I hear its falling to pieces
and I hear keep it in the day
its the point where I lose all hope of happiness
and its the point where I know because
I heard you say in meeting this too shall pass
Its the point where I THINK I cant do this any more
and its the point where I hear you saying
keep on keeping on
its the point where my old ideas have availed me nothing
and its the point where I hear you say
read step 3 take inventory and pray
its the point where I THINK i dont have a choice
and its the point where I have a choices
its the point where I think no one cant help or understand
its the point where I turn my difficulty over to God
its the point where I am on my knees
and its the point where I am lifted up
its the point where a am powerless
and its the point where I seek the all Powerful
Its the point where I realise the truth
its the point when I realise that I am nothing
without God
When I realise and feel that
Thats the point when I feel Love
Its that point where a spiritual experience occurs
thats the point when I feel the sunlight and grow
Its that point where You show me a garden thats bursting into life

2 minutes 11 & 12 seconds is the moment
blink and you miss it!

I am grateful
I am sober
I have not self harmed
I have been able to cry lots recently
That I have been able to say how I feel
that I accepted somethings not working
and have put myself entirely in Gods hands
that I feel a sense of freedom
inspite of the ever underlying fear
that I feel more peaceful
that I have continued
that I have emptied quite a few boxes today
that I have painted some walls
that I have hung washing out on my line
that I have feel good watching it blow in the wind
that I enjoy nature and what she brings me free
that I am alive to experience it all
that I notice which are the voices of doom and turn away
that I have an absolute faith
that I eventually remember to surrender aswell as pray
that I have a design for living that works
even in rough going p15 & P28
I am grateful you passed it on
I am grateful I was there to hear it

Thursday, November 13, 2008

First Things First

Everything I put in front
of my recovery
I will Lose

Everything I put ahead
of God
I will lose

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. p98

I am at a critical point yet again
I have made choices
some I am not sure are will lead me
to heaven
although who am I to predict what heaven is
on this earth plane

I have taken some risks this week
opened myself up
and cried quite alot more
than I ever imagined I would
or could

I am not sure when all this will stop
and I am not sure
whether I am doing any of this right
my true self appears
without me realising
and I have no idea
whether its helping or not helping
I have no idea
what the heck is happening at the moment
I seem to be doing
just doing
when I think
it gets me in trouble

My step 10's showed me tonight
That at the moment
I am thinking and beleiving
I am nothing without my job
I will not be able to survive
So death will occur
metaphorically speaking!
or is it!!

I went and stood by the sea tonight
it was very dark
the air was clear
night birds were around and about
it was still
there were lighthouses dotted
along the estuary
I asked my Creater to show me
what I need to do next
because I am really stuck
and afraid and need to know!
I felt a sense of
I didnt feel alone
nor lonely
nor cold
nor afraid
came over me

First things First
Put your recovery First
Step 10 and 11 are no good without 12
Long term

How long to sing this song?
I wanna run I wanna hide

U2 40 and bounce bounce bounce!

Stand tall
turn up til they tell you not to
and keep it in the frikkin day!
self will run riot
gets me absolutely No Where!

Step 3
and work with another alcoholic!
God is with us... if we are with Them
Them the great them

that I have this opportunity
to pray by the Great Ocean
Thank you

Monday, November 10, 2008

The inventory was ours, not the other man´s - P67

Came across this
Witchcraft, witches and wicca
and much to my surprise
It all makes sense
and its not as weird as Imagined

And this Starhawk

and this Diggin it

took my own inventory over the weekend
and wrote out and prayed out
my resentments

Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man´s. p67

I came up with my response
a reasonable opinion
my side of the street
towards the unreasonablemess
I had listened to on Friday
without resentment
but with meaning
and I cried!
Somewhat a relief
It has forced me to make a decision
at work
I have realised that I have been
working in a kind of a bad marriage
and its not what I go to work for
or get paid to do
or need to continue in
and its time to stop and let go
with full knowledge
that the world will NOT stop turning
and I will continue to breathe
as will the rest of the floor

I have no idea what will happen
but what I do know is that
making this decision is the right one today
my heart has been unhappy in this area
with this person for a while now
its stopped working
time to let go and let god

ok i'm off to bed
rather early but I am knackered
working for the greater good is exhausting
but worth it

I'm no Superman - Scrubs

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Ego and Money - arrogance and greed

are these your drivers?
I have to say that
I have listened to these loud mouthed
defects, flaws, nuisances
at times
thankfully thesedays
I recognise them
not long after they infiltrate
Usually a feeling of uncomfortableness
follows after penetration!
Following them usually IS
The Road To nowhere
Its says
Well we know where we are going
but we dont know where we've been
feels abit
self willed to know where were going
and abit dishonest to not know where i've been..
I reckon God in all honesty
I dont know where i'm going
but I know where i've been!

and as soon after as possible
dig out the sting
and natural being and growth resumes
anyway I verging on digressing

God given skills
God provides
seek out the god given skills
and grow them!
and they will flourish
into a richness that no money can provide
and a fullness that no ego can bolster

Asked my lecturer to cast his eye over
my essay, like he offered to for us all
and he said on the whole covered what I needed
So I shall await the mark...
Preferring not to get into study huddles
and last minute fear driven desperate attempts
to get it RIGHT whatever right is...
apparantly there are no wrongs
its dependent upon your skillfullness
no we shall see
the hardest part WAS putting that first word
down on that blank piece of paper
taking a risk and allowing an opinion to form

We a few opinions are forming
all over the place
I think my skin is starting to thicken
as it must
the good is the enemy of the best
and as I see so often at work
and outside
ego and money are not good drivers
both linked with self will run riot
both are not about living in the present
both are not about needs
they are about wants
goodness is an inside job
and begins with honesty

More tough times at work
however and excellent review
better than the last
however I also received some
constructive feedback which I have
never received before and alwasy wanted
now I have it, I am not sure how to deal with it..
I keep switching from
well it was a crap review then
to well it cant be because overall
the mark was better than the previous
and that was highly effective...
just the feedback is something to work on

Oh well I dunno!
off to pray
and sleep
hope the wind dies down
for the morning bike ride

Saturday, November 08, 2008


Humility is rare because to have it you have to want nothing, yet when you have it you get everything.


Elton John - Can you feel the love tonight?

Monday, November 03, 2008

Dont listen to your head... when you are full of fear or have defective thinking

But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened.P37

See I have discussed some of my stuff
from Friday with my manager
and she already knows
I am a reflector
and what I said on Friday
will undoubtedly somewhat have changed
by today
and its true
it has
I can see now where the fear wanted me
outer there as far away as possible
but I can see today
the its not necessary to run off
no need to go anywhere infact
until they close the door and tell me so

The next few days
I feel will reveal alot about
the future at work
short term
stuff I am powerless over
and I have a work review on Friday
action is done
its time to let go

what I mean by the title is that
before it seemed like a good idea
to take a drink
these stuations were definitely
where I would either be in the bar
or at home replaying stuff over and over
predicting, making plans and schemes
well I cant stop the tape so to speak
but I can take action
so while the tapes playing
I can do, that it do the next right thing
regardless of what The Head tells me

The facts are its ok
good budgetting is essential
luxury is out the window
for the moment
but then its how I want to live anyway
I have what I need
and it is actually what I want

its only my head that tells me otherwise
my heart however... is happy
although it could do with a cuddle
and someone to write my essay!

home is where the heart is.. at its most happiest
yet as I research my essay
I really see ho good I got it
compared to some

John butler Trio - Home is where the heart is

is the destruction that fear from within creates
less than the destruction caused from without?
or is all destruction equal?

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Restless Irritable Discontented? Go to a meeting!

I SHOULD know by now
if I think I a meeting will help?
it probably will
It was raining last night
I couldnt settle
I didnt want to go out in the rain...
and I didnt want to sit feeling restless..
yet the restlessness had become
unmanageable that I couldnt do ANYTHING!
or NOTHING! you know that one?!
I called up a local AA
and she said
well i'm going to the meeting its my home group
I do service, so I go whether its raining or not..
why dont you come, I could drop you home
if I can find my way..
I could hear myself coming up with excuses
I could hear myself..!
you know if it were my home group
I would be going toooo...
it isnt, so whats the difference
anyway I went, it stopped raining so hard
by the time I left home
and I felt better for going!
Quelle suprise
I need grounding
so much going on
meetings and God are stability
in uncertain and challenging times
that dark voice is whispering stuff at me
and I dont like it!
I feel so self obsessed its unbearable
selfish and thoughtless
Like no-one ever felt like am now feeling
yet right now as I write this I feel
almost ok
reminded, my pain is all in my mind
yet again
I see the grave emotional and mental disorder
that I have
even when I HAVE everything I want
and need
I still feel afraid
the disease that wants more
and is afraid of losing
or not being able to cope
is afraid of change
and assumes the worst
and everything
is a deliberate attempt to sabotage
my life

I felt like someone had ripped a huge
elastoplast of me in the last hour at work
on Friday..
Financial insecurity
somethings stopped working
hearts not in it
and it wont return
I keep trying
Time to

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.P98

I was terrified and in panic on Friday
went to home group
in fact I couldnt wait to be there
God will always provide
Saturday it shifted
went to a meeting
and today I feel
more towards peaceful

I am enjoying my new home
in fact I love it
even though I have teething problems
cant work out the heating timer
no hot water, only heating
then only hot water and no heating
Did some cooking today
and gardening
and studying
and shopped
and yoga
and praying

and my heating finally came on! YAY!
I think! I know how it works now :)

Golden Brown - Stranglers