Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I can convince myself I have no friends - HALT Lonely - its a lie

And then I get proved wrong...
The thing about no internet at home
is that I can be glued to a screen
all day at work
and then all evening at home
and then in the spare moments
on email and blogg
how dull!!

johno's become a very dull girl

Techno breakthrough
I have now got a memory stick
and learned how to use it!
To transfer my work from home to work...
and back again... to email from work if necessary
freedom or what!
Small victories... get there in the end

I have now started calling people up in the evenings
rather than email or text
and arranging to go out..

all going in the right direction

have the underlying ansgt
I havent done enough
and resentments around
mix ups at uni
but whatever
I will learn from whatever the outcomes are

Quarterly review at work tomorrow
naturally preparing for the worst
and trying not to sabotage
to prove myself right
and deserving of rubbish review

Its sunny outside

I'm off!

Its all a lie
my head its all a lie

enjoying not having the internet at home
means I get more organised in the day

As for munchtime and early meetings
Its hard to justify a lunch meeting
when I havent got in on time
yet they are minutes away fom me!

still waking up in the mornings
and working hard
to get out of bed
and face the
False Evidence that Appears Real FEAR
that ties me to the bed each morning
and creates further fear
and wipes any good thats in my life
for quite a number of minutes/hours
which is rubbish
as I end up getting in at the same time most days
even with the invisible fight that goes on
and they dont even bat an eyelid
when I get in
its all in my head
the fight
the fear
the feelings
except its physical
and very tiring
and frustrating
and appears like laziness
and procrastination
and chronic self centredness
and selfishness
perhaps it is!

Now thats Insanity & Madness!
but its my truth
its how I am

The disease that centres in the mind
and I am the victim
Though I have no idea
what the future holds

Theres always a choice
still choosing the victim
still holding on to the corner of the towel?
I have no idea!

Another love interest this week
I am told its healthy to explore options
go and explore, ask him out for coffee
I feel flakey
a crush here and a crush there
yeh even married and met the parents in my head last night
it went well by the way
really good wedding and the parents are lovely
he's nice too
but then theres all the stuff inbetween
isnt there

well thats all you got the jist of it
i'm REALLY off this time

enjoy the evening sun
or whatever you have when you read this


Syd said...

It's all the stuff that goes around in our heads. Character defects in control that shut out God. Hang in there Johno. Your mind is working overtime on lots of things. I am now aware when I'm doing that and when fear gets in the way. Awareness is half the battle.

Shadow said...

well, bye bye then, go enjoy that evening sun!!!