Monday, April 14, 2008

Now I know Gods Will for me - First Things First - HALT Lonely

It was suggested on more than one occasion
to stop blogging for a while
certainly when
it gets in the way of step 10's
I get confused
and spend time thinking about blogging
when energies could be better spent thinking about study
I know its a good suggestion

But as you see I havent
or should I say I cant...
I try and then start up again
Powerless... and not completely willing
to let go absolutely

As you know I truly believe
when I dont do Gods Will
he makes me
and I am fine with that

Hence from last Thursday
my internet connection
has gone wrong at home

I want to fix it
but again... do I need it?
and why?
a dishonest fix

For now
my blogging will take a back seat

What else am I putting in front of?

First Things First
They said at the beginning
everything you put in front of your recovery
will be taken away from you

its true!

I realised on Friday
Exactly how tired I am
People can go out when they feel like I do
have a few drinks
get drunk even
smoke a cigarette
take a few drugs
smoke some stuff
have sex
watch some porn
self harm even
apparantly its seems! without impunity

me, its not an option
well it is, but I choose not to
I have to sit with my feelings
being a student
and keeping on
is God damn hard

I am really lonely
Went to a meeting where no one knew me
and it felt a freedom
for no-one to know me, me the miracle!
me the student
me reliable etc
I was just another AA
I didnt try hard
I didnt share
I just listened
Listened with humble and lonely ears
spoke with a new woman after
about recovery, AA and some experience
took a phone number
and called her again Sunday
someone at the meeting asked me if I was new
I have missed this
Early recovery stuff

call up or speak with a newcomer
ask them how they are
Go to a meeting
Tell someone
Loneliness is not just for old people



molly said...

the main reason i blog is it feels a safe place to be honest. you've done that here. and in doing so, you've help me so i hope you'll keep coming back and sharing more.

love ya

Syd said...

I'm glad that you are blogging. I get something from every post. I'm grateful for a lot. And not very lonely anymore, unless I choose to be.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

study is pretty solitary so learning how to deal with less social contact is one of the skills you have to learn. if i m not too tired i find short lunch meetings or early morning ones a good way to keep myself on form. but yeah its not easy!

Shadow said...

go do that 1st thing first, and when you blog, i'll be around to enjoy your writings.

Rhonda said...

sometimes in my lonely times I am able to do some serious inventory of my life.
Funny how that is...

Love your posts....
always helpful.

Kathy Lynne said...

I've consider blogging like journaling which I have been encouraged to do and isn't that really a part of Step 10? But I also have gotten away with the daily practice which for me I am not sure is good for me. It gives me an opportunity to reflect and so if I'm not posting maybe I am avoiding self reflection, though I do so at meetings I suppose. I guess if it interferes with social interaction, face to face and your program, then yes, slow down. But if it is merely a creative outlet and a way to organize your Step 1, then please keep blogging. Like you said in your most recent post....Pass it on, Give it away to keep it. You help me by being here.

As for football, Good for you...hope you found a nice outfit, it is ALL about the clothes after all:)