Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Todays lighter - even laughed!

I really try to lighten up!
yesterday was a complete struggle
restraint of tongue gave in at about 4.30
and me and boss both through overdoing it
and neither of us sleeping
barked at each other...
she stated the bleeding obvious!
and I just wanted to punch her...

This morning I apologised for barking
I could see she was just trying to help
me I havent accepted still that I am human
and no-one else I or she or anyone else I know
does what I do... thats because we are not clones
I am unique haha

We spent the day friends
and hugged at the end arrr... seriously this is how it is
I am blessed really
Like she says its swings and roundabouts
except I am not usually the one
barking, crying and needing some slack for long periods!

She's still well impressed with me
even if I am not
see my standards are far too high
hers are fine as they are

I have heard far to often in the last 3 months
do you think your being to hard on yourself?
Take it easy
You have a lot on
you have a LOT on
I couldnt do all what you do
I dont know how you do it all
Go home and have an early night

Now I see its not all possible
long term
and I actually dont want to be like that
i'm changing and being changed

I have been trying to hard
and trying too hard to slow down
and now I have stopped
my diary wiped off my phone a week ago
and I lost my outlook
thats 3 years emails and calender and contacts
and I just smiled and accepted
either that or i'm in shock and dont know it
you could call it operator error
I prefer to call it
A VERY BIG sign from God and his Special agents

That if you arent gonna listen AND QUIT everything
and trust me
I am gonna do it for you
God does for me what I wont do for myself!

A couple of offers to retrieve the outlook
But I feel its just another thing I have become attached too
Like the phone diary
Its made me now, or is that enabled me now to
Live in the day
each day

I even wrote, thats hand wrote
a couple of letters in cards to people
stuck stamps on and posted them
now thats far cooler than email!

If I forget birthdays and other stuff
well so be it
I have to let go absolutely
I have cancelled everything I can remember until June 14th
Thats everything

1 service commitment (every 8 weeks)
Home group
12 step calls (which are God sent)

I will sleep when I am tired
and work when I am awake
I never thought of taking a nap after work
and getting up again and studying
before bed
until today

two Special agents in the workplace in a week have said
"you eat more sweet stuff since you started the veggie thing"
and "course your going to be off, you changed your diet"
letting go of the meat or should I say KFC's was needed
With the fish it was a choice and I have learned alot since January 1st
3 months off meat and fish
I had some fish last night and today
doesnt feel a failure
it feels like the right thing to do
my diet was not that bad
I have felt hungry lots and lots recently
and ate more sugary stuff compensating

I am less hungry today
less time spent trying to work out what to
eat and get a balance
its tiring, energy I need elsewhere at the moment
Eating sustainable farmed fish
which is in keeping with how I feel about
the way its killed
until I am able to maintain a healthy
vegetarian lifestyle I will continue with fish

KFC's chicken and meat... are off limits
I have no desire and after 3-4 months off
I am now aware of what drives the need to KFC
its lack of regular meals and being hungry H.A.L.T
and sloth!

Listening - Doing the next right thing
see i'm listening and taking steps
letting go and then bringing back in whats Good
and then letting go again

made calls about teachers..
will call til I get through
continuing to listen for the moment
no more commitments until after june 14th
yes exams/assessments yes two this week!
yes looney tunes, premental, examental
yes yes YES!!!!!!
flippin' old timers! ;)
God bless fellow students!

oceans and waves
waves are part of the ocean
they come and go from the ocean and back to the ocean
leaving on the beach whats not required
at the right time
I read that in this book I think?!

awareness is cool
letting go - feeling lighter
had my eyelashes tinted on the way home
eyes feeling alive again
laughing muscles working well today

I love you guys

ps. that diary note to keep an eye on my pmt...
it disappeared 2 a couple of week ends ago didnt it!
powerless DOH!


Shadow said...

wow, 3 months no kfc! impressive. you won't believe my struggle. my office is opposite them! and that delicious smell is tempting at the best of times...

Syd said...

What color are your eyelashes? I didn't know that you could get them tinted. Sorry about your Outlook and address book. But glad that you could get through it by letting it go.