Sunday, March 30, 2008


I feel challenged in all areas
I have never felt like this...
Completely awake
be very willing
know what the right thing to do is
feeling feel
trying to do
being completely unable
to do what seems to be the next right thing
feeling restricted
feeling constricted
feeling afraid
feeling a faith
feeling confused
feeling clarity
unable to get why its happening the way it is
or not as the case may be
feeling complete powerlessness
feeling freedom at the same time

wondering if I am deluded
wondering if I am just not cut out for this
wondering what the alternative is
knowing what my first thought at the moment is NOT the solution
wondering what the middle ground is?

Things are shifting
the sands moving
safe and then prison like
changing with every step, hour, minute
every thing I do
feels like a step into the unknown
yet they are ordinary things I did before

People places and things
which felt safe yesterday
feel precarious today
I guess this is impermanence
feeling a big wave washing over everything
and changing the look and feel of it all

The only thing I am sure of
is that God loves me
and will not give me more than I can handle

Staying sober is the way
staying alive is the way
turning up tomorrow is the way
doing my best is the way
accepting my best may not be my ideal
or anything like

God this has been the most challenging
few months that I can remember
more challenging than early recovery
it was obvious what the problem was
now I cannot see what the problem is
and there doesnt seem to be any answers
perhaps there is no problem
perhaps this is exactly how its meant to be

Jesus didnt like that he has to suffer and die
to be risen
but he did it cos it was Gods will
and he trusted His Father
he followed the path
without giving in to temptation

Please let me be
Please slow it all down abit
Its all to fast
and its all painful

I dont get it
but then neither did Jesus

All I know is in recovery
Anythings possible
if we work for it
who am I to say how much work is required
am I trying to hard?

God proved that anythings possible
when he brought his son
back to life

Who am I to say
I am not doing enough?

Dont quit before the miracle
Let Go and Let God


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

In my experience when I opened my mind to the reality of impermanence by exposure to Buddhist monks, my mind-space altered and became less fixed. LOADS of people feel the EXACT way you do when they start doing Buddhist stuff. reality IS impermanence. there IS no permanence. So if the world is starting to look 'impermanent, then that means you have a better grasp of reality than you did before.
this is why you need other INFORMED mediators to get feedback from, otherwise it can seem totally unsettling when you are unaware of the context.

Reality is completely uncertain. all the time. a constant state of flux. yet some things are 'meant' to happen as wel. are you beginning to see how WEIRD and GROWN UP step 11 is? not for pansies!

keep the faith. keep showing up. do your lousy best and see what happens. it gets better. but yeah, its tests you! i went to LOTS of retreats and monk stuff when i started 'cooking'. just try to contain any destructive urges of ANY kind as they will BOOMERANG right !!! back at you if you do. Karma you see...

Syd said...

Johno, I've found that when I feel things are going too fast, I need to get off the carousel. I need to focus on the things that are important and give the other things that I can't handle to God. It's not how much we do but that what we do is worth the doing.

Kathy Lynne said...

Knowing God loves you is enough. Take it easy on yourself...

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

oh yeah and exam time always makes you go a bit LOCO heheh
Study eh? its not easy is it?