Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Resentment #1 Fear held me back now I see it

Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. P62

A desire
attention seeking
self seeking
seeking approval
selfish
starting to resent people, becoming a victim
allowing myself to be manipulated and resenting it

They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves.p73 (see this applies to step10's aswell as step 4, get to the root! dont hold back)

I got to the root this evening
Self centred Fear and pride
yes I knew that last night
but I didnt really know where this had come from?
well guess what I did (see I am a text book case p73 above)
I remember thinking
I am not applying for a management position
because I am afraid of failure and what people think of me
and its a new experience
working with people below and above me on the "food" chain
What I did was, said I wasnt applying
because it conflicts with my studies
and to take on anything new at the moment is not practical
hmmmm sounds like a sensible decision doesnt it?
I agree

BUT see motives are everything
I remember thinking, I am afraid
I remember having a conversation about why I was
not applying and feeling, what I am saying
"this is not quite right, it is not quite the truth"
while i was saying it

More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it. p73

see how I can cover a bad motive with a good motive
for all the world to see I put my studies first
the truth is I am afraid of failure
working with people with myself being in the management position
is completely out of my comfort zone
and something that always seemed so far away from
where i could ever be!

who says? me
wrong! yet another frickin old idea
thats just reached the surface and is
currently being popped!

I got honest with myself and my manager
about myself and my fear
and felt my ego puncture
both aspects
the one which goes johno you are really good nowadays way hay!
and the one which says johno you are not as good as you think you are so dont think of progressing its not worth it stay as you are, no one will notice how useless you really are!

Anyway glad to have scraped a layer off last night
and today, I feel better

one of the pigs I often wrestle with is fear

It hurt
But it really needed doing

Will this go down as a regret? a missed opportunity
because I would not get over myself?
Yeh for abit
I have to have faith
and let go of my spiritual pride
which tells me I SHOULD KNOW BETTER BY NOW
than to be afraid and always embrace
getting out of my comfort zone
immediately and never be afraid again
just because I know fear holds me back
progress not perfection dude

To thine own self be true
I am enough

THIS IS WHY FOR ME WRITTEN INVENTORY IS SO IMPORTANT
I DID NOT WRITE ANY OF THIS TRUTH DOWN AT THE TIME
I DIDNT GET TO THE TRUTH THE ROOT AT THE TIME
THEREFORE IT STAYED IN MY HEAD
GOD KNEW OBVIOUSLY
BUT I HAD NOT ADMITTED IT TO HIM OUTWARDLY
ON PAPER NOR HAD I PRAYED FOR ANY DEFECTS TO BE REMOVED
THERFORE I WAS TRYING TO RUN THE SHOW - SELF WILL

Thanks God, the willingness came

3 comments:

Syd said...

Fear is the basic of so much and it surfaces when I have to make changes in my life or when there are things that I have to face. Recognizing the fear is a good step though. Then I can deal with it.

Rhonda said...

self will-----
destroyer of pretty much anything good for me.

Ingenue, Interrupted said...

SING IT SISTER!!!! I love that you referenced spiritual pride. Mine is really acting out these days, the truth is whatever spiritual know how I thought I had acquired during my alcoholic years is up for grabs now. And yet. It is so hard for me to admit I don't know what I don't know. Everytime I have ever set my own desires aside in favor for my higher power's directions I have found so much peace and joy!

But my disease really doesn't want me doing this. So everytime I am faced with the same crossroads, me ego jumps in and tries to lead me astray.....

Oh this wily, cunning, devil!

:) Inge