Saturday, February 09, 2008

Step 1 - Chapter 1 Bill's Story

The drive for success was on. I´d prove to the world I was important.p2
Me too, I had a big inferiority complex
yet I believed I had so much undiscovered potential

Though my drinking was not yet continuous, it disturbed my wife.P2
me too, it was suggested I went to AA

By the time I had completed the course, I knew the law was not for me. The inviting maelstrom of Wall Street had me in its grip. Business and financial leaders were my heroes.P2
Me too I took a degree, didnt complete it,
resat it several times and then gave up,
it wasnt for me
The world I am now in took over
money, other peoples money taking care of it
I was wrong

We gave up our positions and off we roared on a motorcycle,
the sidecar stuffed with tent, blankets, a change of clothes P3

yeh I did this too, in search of the rainbow

My drinking assumed more serious proportions....almost every night.
The remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row and I became a lone wolf.
me too, work colleagues suggested not drinking in the week
So I stayed at home

The papers reported men jumping to death from the towers of High Finance. That disgusted me. I would not jump. I went back to the bar. My friends had dropped several million since ten o´clock-so what? Tomorrow was another day. As I drank, the old fierce determination to win came back. P4
yeh work colleagues came and went
I was deteremind to go on
at somepoint things would change
success would find me

I woke up. This had to be stopped. I saw I could not take so much as one drink.P5
Yeh I knew I had to try and go home without drinking
go and have an early night like normal people

Shortly afterward I came home drunk. There had been no fight. Where had been my high resolve? I simply didn´t know. It hadn´t even come to mind. Someone had pushed a drink my way, and I had taken it. Was I crazy? I began to wonder, for such an appalling lack of perspective seemed near being just that.P5
familiar stuff

In no time I was beating on the bar asking myself how it happened. As the whisky rose to my head I told myself I would manage better next time, but I might as well get good and drunk then. And I did.P6

The remorse, horror and hopelessness of the next morning are unforgettable. The courage to do battle was not there. My brain raced uncontrollably and there was a terrible sense of impending calamity.P6
Sounds like the morning after my last drink
I had lost all hope
I was beaten

The mind and body are marvelous mechanisms, for mine endured this agony two more years.P6
Mine too, fighting everything for 30something years
drinking for 20 of them

They did not need to tell me. I knew, and almost welcomed the idea. It was a devastating blow to my pride. I, who had thought so well of myself and my abilities, of my capacity to surmount obstacles, was cornered at last. P6&7
yeh I had ran out of ideas
ran out of hope
AA seemed like the only idea I could think of

No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity.P7
NOt because of AA
simply because I couldnt figure thins out
I couldnt make any difference
I couldnt manage to change any thing consistantly
I couldnt manage to function like an average person I knew
on a day to day basis

Fear sobered me for a bit. Then came the insidious insanity of that first drink P8
Fear sobered me for ages
Fear and pride
what will not think of me
fear of rejection
fear of how it would be if I drank
eventually it was miserable just being sober

How dark it is before the dawn! In reality that was the beginning of my last debauch. I was soon to be catapulted into what I like to call the fourth dimension of existence. I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness, in a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes P8


Step 1, it really is the end of the world as we know it!
The best is yet to come


Shadow said...

"Step 1, it really is the end of the world as we know it!
The best is yet to come" well said!

Kathy Lynne said...

Thanks for that! Me too...xo

Christine said...

and then in Step 2 we get introduced to sanity