Monday, February 18, 2008

I dont know whats happening, but i know it will all be ok

I am trying to control
myself
my studies
my eating
my sleeping
my physical health
my everything really

the result
I cant get a grip
and I am physically sick
and have been for a few days

SO I have no control!

Why?
Much as I like to think that
if I do all the right things
I know its impossible
to do everything
I have and do try
I have too much to do
and I am slowly letting go
and trying to get back to basics
real basics

I feel like I am chasing my tail
but not acheiving anything
and i am afraid

Yes I have been here
over and over and over

and just because
I think that
because I know what the problem is...
it will be solved and go away immediately
but no
it takes time
to realise
accept
make the changes
and let the changed happen

I am processing stuff around
friendship at the moment
I am not sure what I am feeling
but its not scarin me
in fact its inspiring me
cos I have never felt like this before

I dont want to hang on
or put guns against heads
or guilt trips
or any of that old stuff
and i dont beleive the world is coming to an end

This all is just unfamiliar territory
this friendship stuff
and I like it
even though I dont understand it
I have changed and so have my friends
we have changed and are changing for the better

Acceptance is the answer....

I really want to feel sorry for myself
at the moment
but I can't, its laughable
Feel sorry for what?

because my friends are doing amazing things?
... did you see an i'm not?
well you see I am doing amazing things tooo
so I cant use that excuse!

because I havent found jesus?
... well I have a very Big God... the father of... ahem.
so not a good enough excuse either!

Because...

I have no excuse for self pity
sadness and joy
are my lessons this week
they come together
they are not signs of weakness

Now I have to be willing to let go of my blogging again
I cant do everything
and much as I think its important
my ego is creeping in
and my motives have changed slightly
also
I need to read and study
and take part in real life again abit more
not that this is
But I have a few responsibilities to take care of
which I need to address
ie I am powerless over my blogging
and a couple of areas of my life
have become unmanageable...
or I havent managed to do some things
and wont whilst I do this

i'm off to let go absolutely
and pray for Willingness and Action

3 comments:

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

yeah its really easy for ego to get in. blogging. anywhere really. i listen to eckhart tolle when im not listening to lectures. that helps.
i am bringing my attention into the body. out if the mind. I listen, act, speak, think from the 'body' as opposed to the 'head, I retreat into the body and the breath when the ego takes over. just like e tolle says.
whatever. i find e tolle very soothing.
dont worry. its all a learning curve. its either this or hide under the duvet for the rest of your life.

Christine said...

sadness and joy lessons-- it could be lots worse

You know Johno the friendship thing is really tough. How sad its been to keep on a path others didn't want to come along on. What joy to find like minded others

happy to have found you or you found me? my friend...

Shadow said...

i've realised, over the past year and a bit of being sober, that identifying the emotion, then finding out where it's coming from, is still not the battle won. one needs time to process it too... good luck!