Saturday, January 12, 2008

Go with God and Fear at the same time...

I am finding that there is a process
of surrender I am going through in my studies


this is exactlu how its meant to be for me
at the moment

Its all slightly different
but at the same time its similar

I am in a period at the mo of
self will... needing to be in line with Gods will
and I am just about nearly there

not sure how
something to do with
accepting I am in fear
and just going through the motions
at the same time

Fear of failure
fear of not being able to remember anything
when I sit down on thursday
fear of regret

All this is blocking out God
EGO edging God out

i am not special or different
I am watching and listening to and reading
about other students
and their head stuff
and their physical stuff
and their mental anquish
and their methods
of getting through

and its all abit weird
and comforting at the same time

I am feeling quiet
Like I have said it all, ready to shut up
enough of the analysis and doubts
Doubts, lack of faith, EGO
I like feeling quiet
Hopefully am ready to listen now
I have eaten
vegetarian chilli and brown rice
the best tasting yet from Gilliam McKeith's cookbook
did some yoga today at home
and been on my knees again
washed my mouth out again with myrrh
it was good enough for Jesus! it's good enough for me
though I am not sure he was given it as
a cure for a gummmm infection
at the time, though as he was a baby...
... perhaps they teethed early in those days?

Back to the studying


Shadow said...

it's good to be quiet at times too. it gives me a chance to mull everything over that's running around in my mind...

molly said...

i have to almost FORCE myself to stop.. stop almost anything actually and get quiet and still. stop the thinking, then stop the cleaning too much etc. just crazy how we do. i long for a monestary some days!! but for now I'll settle for old TV re-runs and petting my doggies :)

indistinct said...

Thank you for the comment about how fear blocks out God. Especially the line about "EGO edging God out". I don't normally equate my fear with my EGO. But what you said is true, my fear is all about me.