Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Being Convinced..... Step 3

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. P60

I am well and truly out of
a tunnel I slipped into last week
having a mixture of PMT
and self will run riot
I told my sponsor I wasnt happy
she asked why
and I listed a heap of stuff!!

I needed to get that one out
She said that its hard trying to control the world
I was not a victim and if I took the drama away
I am just facing a few challenges
thats all!

When am in a tunnel
I cant see anything clearly
I can feel everything
I have slipped into a few times along the way
I used to look for the light switch
or the light at the end
Cos I didnt trust the darkness
This time I knew to keep walking
knocking into stuff I cant see
just keep walking
doing the next right thing
knowing at some point
i dont know when
it will become lighter again
and it has
faith is key for me
its grown from experience

I put the study books down last week
didnt go on a social
and went to a few more meetings
my peace of mind IS more important
to me that the course
without stability sobriety
I am nothing
guess what?
all was ok (are you suprised?)
I am not
Hindsight or as I heard this week
delayed wisdom LOL
used to be my teacher
now experience is my tunnel guide
and faith that I will be ok in the dark
as long as i dont sit down and wait for
things to change or give up and stop

They said at the beginning of the course
Turn up for everything
No matter what
Things are getting harder
So its even more important to
keep on keeping on
Got an excellent mark in an assessment
evidence to me that am on the right track

Everything is exactly as it should be
I dont have to make everything better
sometimes everything is
very challenging and difficult
if it were easy, everyone would be doing the course!

I needed to stop trying to try to let go
and just let go
get it?
no, I dont now
but it made sense at the time
and it will again when I get reminded

God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" P63

Johno stop listening to your head
it tells you a pack of lies
just keep on keeping on
til your done!

Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. P76 I also agree to put victory over old ideas in this one aswell.


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

you know, probably everyone is shi*tting themselves on that course. Its just that in AA we learn to wear our heart on our sleeves and so we tend to think others must be 'ok' because they are not weeping ! uncontrollably at the back of the class!
Dont worry. New stuff F*cks with your head. think of it as similar to step 4 and 5. You have to give yourself permission to go a little bit (!) mad while you figure this S*it out.
I record all lectures on an olympus 3100 Pc voice recorder and convert them to mp3's using switch software or itunes and then listen to them on my ipod at work. or while I'm at home cleaning up.
There are lots of tricks. Study groups help. 3-5 people. each reads one chapter. then you meet and explain the bit you read to the other 2 or 4. over an hour or so. Talking to others removes the 'tyranny of the page'. and sometimes finding the right book helps a LOT. ask someone in the year above who got 70% or above in their subjects what book THEY recommend you read.
Essay tip. one quote per 100 words. Choose the most esteemed text to quote from. And join the british library and get a laptop. and reading glasses.
Jeez. so much sh*te to fihure out!
Keep coming back! It gets better! Soon you will be a VETERAN. Its no different from learning AA really.
You just have to keep going even though you feell like S*IT. Its just like being a newcomer really. A Baptism of fire!

oh yeah

7 drops STIRRED in a PINT of water morning and evening. add a fizzy 1000 vitamin C pill as well if it makes you feel better. Did you know that if you eat fruit late at night it ferments a little in your stomach creating alcohol? Even bread has small traces of alcohol in it. Lots of foods do. Upshot is that SMALL diluted quantities of alcohol are already in the body anyway, so no need to be neurotic about it. Very personal I know, but I asked a LOAD of people and they all said OK. So it is ok to use those drops. Plus they really do work. That cognis one is GREAT for study. They sell them in plush health food shops. Monks use them too as it happens, and they have VERY strict no alcohol and drug rules.

Syd said...

It sounds as if you had the same things going in your head that I did. I'm glad that my trip to the abyss was a short one. Hang in there Johno.

Kathy Lynne said...

Yup. Needed to hear this today. Thanks and here I am to remind you:)