Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Satisfactory

The most satisfactory years lie ahead

Yesterday
Collected my chip :)
and had my mums money from the will
drop in my account
that bit finally sorted
now I have to get through my brothers flippancy
and my fear
More prayers required
out of comfort zone on Saturday
coming down from this Pink Cloud
I feel rather quiet
Rather tearful
Rather want to run and dive under the duvet
sorting my mums money is not over yet
its just the start now
(a day at a time)
Home Group tonight
then do the world and myself a favour
and go to bed
Well thats the plan
H.A.L.T.

I also need to selotape my mouth up
for the next week or so
I can feel a load of self will and control freakishness
coming my way
Intolerent today
with one who says one thing and does something else
She says she is not working it...
because she didnt call me!?
what she means is she's not doing
the suggestions, her step work, perfectly!?
everyday
therefore she calls that "not working it atall"
therefore she feels she is worthy of a slap
therefore all suggestions I gave
just dig that knife she has in herself a little deeper
and resentment builds cos
she is doing it and just didnt tell the truth
that she was doing some stuff

Why do WE ALL beat ourselves up and believe
in our heads that others will bash us
for anything less than perfection ?

I Turned into the Anti Christ for a short time
Reminding myself and her of my role in this
Just the messenger
She does the work
Her recovery is her responsibility

what I am and what I am not
I dont feel good
I dont like confrontation
I have to honour this again
And let go of self will and fear again!!

Coping with the ordinary, satisfactory
Is something I need to practice
I dont know how much leash to give
and when not to
I was reminded over and over what I needed to do
Instead of saying I know, I just thought it
and then I said ok
and then later glad for the reminders
even though I know, I need reminding

Oh well, I can only try
Am working with people, just like me
slippery fish

Grateful for not listening to my head
and running away from it all

5 comments:

molly said...

I'd LOVE to know the answer to your question "Why do WE ALL beat ourselves up and believe
in our heads that others will bash us
for anything less than perfection?".. Pleeeaasseee let me know if you find out! BIG GRIN. Stay kewl! Thanks for the post :)

Rhonda said...

Slippery fish. I like that!
This post is filled with grace.

Pretty rare these days. Thanks.

JJ said...

Sorry I haven't been by in a long time. Thinking of you my friend.
oxox
JJ

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

yeh. sponsees drive you nuts. its normal. Its part of the sponsors 'rite of passage' to be exasperated. after all, it DID say "INTENSIVE work with other alcoholics"
I tell you, it NEVER gets any easier. Its always HARD work somewhere along the line. Its just the way it goes. You are required to PUSH against their capacity to self destruct from time to time to prevent them IMPLODING. Ah bless em.
Don't worry about it. Helping people is one of the most difficult AND one of the most rewarding things one can do.
Yeah and happy anniversary and all that. plenty more years where those ones came from..

Syd said...

Once again, your posts are so so lyrical and filled with such good information. I like the what I am and what I am not.