Saturday, July 26, 2008

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable P59

Powerless over alcohol
I believe it NOW

This year I have experienced
a real turn in my "going out"
I have relaxed, enjoyed the company
I am with and really changed around
not being on edge around booze
yeh there are the moments
when I feel the
"Why dont you drink?
what not atall?"
and how quickly people forget
and ask again the next time
most people leave me alone
after a few minutes
its the peoples shocked attitude
rather than drink its self

but this last month or so since
study finished for the summer
I have had some good times
had fun
the vigilance ON GUARD
is replaced by a knowledge
and get on with whats in front of me
ie who am I with or what am I there for...
neither cocky nor are we afraid P85

A few weeks ago
I went out with the intention
of leaving the bar 6.30 and was still in there at 7.30
getting out took about 30 minutes...
I intended to go to the gym after
and ended missing a train and being very early for the next
and not MANAGING to get down the gym
this was a huge dent i my pride
how could I have let this stuff
interest me so much
self will was amazingly weakenedp92
these cocktails I have never tasted
have such a hold on me that
I wanted to stick around
I had no desire... or did I?
yeh I think I had a desire to taste these
interesting drinks
but no desire to get drunk
no desire to get out of it
but I didnt
I really had no idea
what was going on inside of the bar that night
or should I say inside my head
until this week
I have felt
restless, irritable and discontent Pxxvi Dr's Opinion
ever since and didnt kknow why
until now...

I felt manipulated and messed around
by drink and I didnt drink it
The problem centres in my mind P23
I thought its the smell
that sets the craving off in me
now I know its not the case
I have had no desire to drink
or taste a drink after I left the bar
its not the smell, I had plenty of smells that night
its the first drink

The alcoholic at certain times has no effective
mental defense against the first drink

Or was it that I was having fun
and didnt actually want to leave
and go do the other thing
and it just didnt feel
acceptable to actually want to stay
in the bar because I was having a good time!?
perhaps next time I do not need to set
up the get out of jail card
reason to leave at a certain time..
leave it absolutely with God to tell me!

Why didnt I drink that night?
I was really relaxed
it was close to me
it looked harmless, colourful
I could smell it
and I wasnt really being anally vigilant
like I have been before
Good company
good venue
comfy chairs
and I was feeling good...
and the drinks looked fine
not dangerous atall
I have to say I was baffled
and its been on my mind
I didnt drink and
In my mind I deserved tooo
I mean enjoying myself in a bar!!
How dare I...

Obviously God has other plans
Obviously to me now
my defence came from a Higher Power P43
I was not in control that night
me nor any other human beingP43
I look back now and see
my mind was interested in the stuff
God had other ideas!

I feel blessed
Its scared the hell out of me
On Thursday I had one of those
How come I didnt get this before days
Spiritual Pride..

Its God that keeps me sober
not me, I mean not me really
I am powerless
God is all powerful p59
I feel grateful
Although I have spent
a while feeling ungrateful
for this battle going on in my head
trying to figure out whats happening
and why I felt so messed around...

We read Step 3 out of the big book last night
at my home group
I felt like the
"retired business man who lolls in the
Florida sunshine in the winter complaining
of the sad state of the nation"
I had been given Grace
grace to go to bars
an alcoholic going to bars and leaving sober
after having a good and great times??
and a legitimate reason to be there
and feeling in fit spiritual condition
before i went in
and praying
before and during
hows that work then?
yeh I had been complaining
about the heaviness of it all..

but not seeing that
It works-it really doesp88

A drinking buddy said on Thursday
after he looking at me drinking coke
whilst he sipped at his vodka and coke
or was it the 3rd round to my one
"I admire you..."
I stayed for ages
and knew when it was time to leave
and left...

Bizarre this mind stuff
the mind is a dangerous place!

God I offer myself to thee
to build with me as thou wilt
releieve me of the bondage of self
that I may better do thy will
take away my difficulties
that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help
of thy Power, Thy Love and Thy way of life
may I do thy will always

Forgive me for not asking you
everyday for a sober day
It doesnt mean that I dont want it
I love the life you are giving me
even though my mind tells me
lots of rubbish
which I still at times have trouble not listening to
I beleive in you
This week I see you have the Power
I really can let go absolutely! p58

I am told this is growth
its all progress..


dAAve said...

I find no reason to tease myself by puting myself in drinking situations.

Syd said...

It sounds like you got out when you needed to. My SO can go to a party with me and not feel the compulsion but we don't go to bars.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

because i nearly always expect to HATE bars and drunken company, im always very surprised when i find myself enjoying the company and staying longer than i thought i would.
i dont think it means alcohol is suddenly more appealing.
just that we are re-integrating into the stream of life, and our hearts are not closed off to other human beings who drink. I can see the good in people, even those with destructive drink habits. Im not better than them,. just different.
so dont get all concerned just because you enjoyed an evening in a pub. its no big deal.
we didn't get sober to become alcohol snobs. we can learn from everyone.
but yeah if you dont feel right then dont hang about. but by and large. i think its healthy to be able to see the good in people and enjoy company wherever it is.