Thursday, July 31, 2008

So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness.P132

I know praying works now
I do it
and it works
answers come
not in my time though
sometimes quickly
sometimes slowly
and if they dont...
well i'm not meant to know

Had a night out to go to
planned by colleagues
partly for my birthday
and partly for someone elses
last night
I decided I didnt want to go
yes a normal reaction...
head wants to run off and do its own thing
away from a
a potential joyful experience
and create another, run another show
self will run riot

prayed last night for the words to help me
"get out of it without appearing ungrateful
thoughtless, selfish and unsociable"
I was wanting a reasonable excuse
which would leave me with peace of mind
and them thinking "good" of me...
... no words came
this morning I was wondering how I could
not go, and maintain my peace of mind
... nothing came
I HONESTLY couldnt get out of this
yeh I could just NOT go
but I would have to live with myself
and I would know why..

I went to church this lunch
and prayed for my fear to be removed
prayed for patience and tolerence
prayed for my defects to be removed
and for victory over my difficulties
... what came was... go its only for 4 hours
and so what if they get you doing things
be of service, and sometimes that could
mean making a fool of yourself
or should that read taking part in something
funny and allowing yourself to be laughed at
as I will others who will also do it, possible
"belly dancing" haha! frick yeh
no you see why I didnt want to go!
I wouldnt have even done that drunk!
but you know I have done loads of stuff sober
that I wouldnt have done drunk
and you know what
who really gives a "toss"
its a laugh! SERVICE
let them have a harmless laugh at my expense
it dont feel victim like
it feels like taking part, being part of
with people who want to spend time with me
who aren't just out for a drink
eating and conversation... fun!

So we think cheerfulness and laughter
make for usefulness.

Anyway I digress
left the church convinced that I was ready
I had handed the whole thing over
I was ready to go and do what ever
10 minutes later
I arrived back to my desk...
someone said
did you get the email?
what email?
the one about tonight, its been cancelled!
its been cancelled...
the person who had arranged it
got the complete hump
loads of people had suddenly dropped out
and it was cancelled...
she was really disappointed
that people just cahnged their minds
even though there was still
quite a few people up for it
she cancelled and lost it!

frik... scares me
I got what I thought I wanted
but actually I didnt need it
and I didnt know or think of the consequences
but I wont stop praying
what scared me most is that
whether praying had anything to do with this or NOT
if I had just not gone tonight...
made my dishonest excuses
(I had a very legitimate reason to be there)p101
( I feel in very fit spiritual condition)p101
(I had prayed)
(Mentally and physically I am well this week)
(H.A.L.T in tact, even been eating breakfast
..early in the morning)
staying away without HONEST motives
how thoughtless would that have been
she had made efforts and arranged extra stuff for us
gone out of her way to make it kinda special
and me I was just thinking of my self seeking self
like whether the guy at the gym I met
would be there if I went
and thinking that I am not that important
self self self

WRONG sometimes AT TIMES to some people I am

Went to the gym
guy not there...

peace of mind in tact
some dishonest guilt for the person with the hump
this too shall pass
a humble reminder - I too can be thoughtless
and God generally gives me what I need
a few lesson learned today


molly said...

hiya girlie.. i love stuff like that! have a great weekend :)

Syd said...

I'm glad that you got over your fears. It sounds like a fun time.