Sunday, July 06, 2008

Step 1 - in all our affairs! on alcohol... its just the beginning

Step 1
It took a while to accept
I understood it more in
other people's alcohol relapses
than in my own drinking career
yet I couldnt understand why they just "didn't" stay away
from that 1st drink
Like I did...
I couldn't see that the time span
between my 1st AA meeting and my last drink
about 13 years...
alcohol beat me into submission
a state of reasonableness
or was it complete defeat
from which reasonableness came later

Powerless over how you think, feel, speak
whether the bus arrives when I want it
whether it rains for a picnic
whether I will be alive at the end of today

Really I am not 100% in control of any of that
am I?


I cannot guarantee that I drink one, I wont have another
I always believed that even though I lost my dignity over and over
by the next day I had forgotton and would do it again
I always believed it would be different next time

I cant

And our lives have become unmanageable ?
again I could see how your lives
were a nightmare, you were on drugs
for gods sake, couldnt control
your sex addictions, gambling habit
shopping addictions, were angry all the time
shouted at managers and old ladies
an were up to your eyeballs in debt
me, I was just a mess
but not like you!!!!!!!!!!
see I had a job and paid my mortgage
and bills so I wast that bad huh?
perhaps I was not such an alcoholic


I am an alcoholic
All the while I was drinking
I couldnt manage to control my spending
I couldnt manage a monogamous relationship
I couldnt manage to tell the truth
I couldnt manage an honest days work
I couldnt manage to maintain personal hygene
I couldnt manage to have a conversation
(for more than 5 minutes)
I couldnt manage to maintain friendships
I couldnt manage to send my family cards on birthdays etc
I couldnt manage to feed myself
I couldnt manage to maintain anything
I couldnt manage my confidence
I couldnt manage to have pastimes
I couldnt manage to tolerate religeon
I couldnt manage to tolerate the word God
I couldnt manage to smile on a regular basis
I couldnt manage to trust
I couldnt manage to a lady
I couldnt rely on myself in any area

hanging in there!
Existing not living
survival and enduring
cutting corners
getting away with
waiting for the day to end

Stopping drinking is just the beginning
highlighting these and more
AREAS in step 1
showed me I am not doing very well huh!

Whenever nowadays ANYTHING troubles me
anything I cant do
anything I consider a "problem"
situation, something I am not comfortable with
I refer back to the principle in step 1
Identify the problem I have
Tell the truth

Look at what I have done to resolve it
and what was the result?
If its "misery, frustration, baffled, beaten" even
then I need to ask for help
turn to a power greater
Look for the solution...

whether I can see that and believe it
in relation to my current problem
depends on my openness and relationship
And how arrogant and full of pride
and how log I have left the problem
trying to
not address it
or believe at somepoint it will
resolve itself or go away

thankfully most days
I dont get to
"misery, frustration, baffled, beaten"
often self willed irritation
that I have to admit I need help
yet only this week
I had one
in relation to this "going for coffee"
and thought I was never going to be able
to speak it out...
but I have and its ok
and I am normal... it seems
and its no big deal
see I know that I am not special and different
I just have trouble believing it sometimes

step 2 is such a Good news step
and a relief to move onto
Step 1 I revisit everytime something
troubles me or you infact!
whether it be a resentment

Step 1... whats your problem?

I can't.... what?
I won't .... do what?
I don't think I can .... do what?
Its not right ... what isn't?
It shouldnt be like this .... what?
I am afraid ... of what ?
I hate it... what?

Telling the truth... is Step 1
admitting and accepting
I can't
is Step 1

At the beginning
its about alcohol

later with PRACTICE
its not such a big deal
to recognise and take
an honest look at THE PROBLEM
whatever it is
and accepting that on some things
no amount of self will and determination
and self and other knowledge
will make this problem go away

Good news... as always
Step 2


Shadow said...

what a BRILLIANT post. i feel (can't find the right word) to have been able to read this. thank you!!!

Syd said...

You have a great gift to express your thoughts in a poetic fashion. Thanks for sharing about what it was like then and how you learned the meaning of powerlessness.

dAAve said...