Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Honesty, willingness, openminded

it works,
i really believe it works
I know it works
I have experienced it working
it works for me
when i work it

didnt get up
did think about it
did get up
did get back in bed
did think again
fear, uselessness, self pity
all bound & gagging me

did get up
prayed
left house
step10'd what just happened
Looked at my thinking during the previous hour
I really dont think much of myself
this came as a shock

I have been learning more tolerence of myself
but i thought i was learning to love myself
this morning showed me some truth
from the moment i wake up until I leave the house
i wake up alone, in fear, feeling worthless
this is how i feel most mornings
rarely do i wake up full of joys
even when am at my most joyeous

i really have to work very hard in the mornings
to kick the straight jacket off
to remember i have alcoholism
to take part in
to remember i am part of
to remember what to do
to remember not to think
I battle with my head every morning
fuckit who gives a shit if i dont turn up for work
fuck it turn over
fuck it just turn up late
fuckit leave it til the last minute
fuckit dont have breakfast
fuckit dont dress becomingly
and for years and years i have been getting away with it
I wake up full of the misery of the ISM
am not sure i want to anymore

is this the next thing God?
is this the next thing i DONT believe you can help me with
am not sure am ready... (still clinging on to the duvet)
thats me again, am not ready to do it (i like isolating & feeling like shit)
incase i cant maintain it (thats what grown ups do)
thats me again... (iiiiiii alone looking at my own miserable past performance)
get with it, this is about God, not me alone anymore
its obviously i cant do this alone, or i would have aready duh
i need a frickin Power Greater than Myself

If you can sort my morning unmanagability out
then that would be a frickin miracle

never underestimate the power of God & prayer
I thought letting go of attachments was the biggest
you sorted that one - i had to pray for it
I thought i letting go of money & power
you sorted that one - i had to pray for it
i thought i would not be able to let go of this anger
you sorted that one - i had/have to pray for it
Bleeding hell
too much evidence in the last month or two

Prayer & doing Gods will, well my lousy best

I bought donuts at work today
gave them first to the guy I have been praying about
he wanted to know what it was for
I just felt like it,
something came over me today
Altered Attitude

Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others.
P13 Alcoholics Anonymous

am grateful, thanks Bill W

1 comment:

NMAMFQLMSH said...

Believe in yourself and other will believe in you.
I SEE YOU,
JJ