Sunday, October 30, 2005

Police... horses... Full Moon

kind,considerate, patient, generous;
even modest and self-sacrificing.
On the other hand, he may be
mean, egotistical,selfish and dishonest.

He begins to think life doesn't treat him right.
He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the
next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the
case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting
he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people
are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant,
self-pitying.What is his basic trouble? Is he not really as
elf-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim
of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness
out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident
to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants?
And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate,
snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not,
even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather
than harmony? P61 Alcoholics Anonymous

Hows this work then...
I just put down the idea that people would save me,
and its going ok
now i got another aspect of me to deal with...
I think am gonna change my blog to Outright Mental Defective 2.

This time its Money & ambition.
i get a few months of turning up
doing an honest days work for an honest days pay
now i want more... money that is.
I have decided they dont pay me enough,
other people earn more than me
and dont do their jobs aswell as me,
so i am hard done to and want more.
Dont they know who I am ?!?!
Get the picture ?!

I really dont like the person I am at the moment in this aspect of my life
Resentment city
Quick to critisise
Cant restrain my keyboard,
Banged out a truly appauling email this week
My boss retaliated

I have to at certain times of the month,
restrain all my actions which are not suggested in the big book
if fact I seems to remember it suggested once or twice
to restrain everything i do at anytime
to just doing whats suggested in the big book
or by a sponsor

Fuck it i am so self willed, its a joke
I prayed to be shown what to do
Got an amazing answer almost immediately (about 3.30am)
Thankfully i havent acted on that
I have learned something,
that its not always wise trust what answers
appear to have come from God
especially at 3.30am
without seeking counsel with those who often know better
the times not right to discuss it or release it on the world yet
so it remains on paper by my bed... safe
safe... means not in my head growing
safe... not released at work, causing chaos

I thought it best to get in on time the next day
and shut the fuck up, restraint of tongue & pen
let others do the talking
It was ok
Still not sure what was gonna happen next
Keep it in the day
Went to lunchtime meeting, heard others have had a problem
restraining themselves via electromis messaging this week
What is it this week??? full moooooon howl or what?

Any way finally, after two years,
and much defiance, i decided to pray,
for someone I am angry at
And i done it again this morning
and i will do it again tonight
aswell as handing my will over
and the other stuff am praying for these days
may need to write a list of stuff to pray for,
theres quite abit at moment
Isnt that what Gods for
Too much for me to keep in my head
Its all better off out in the Universe

Went for some spiritual healing this week
prayed during that aswell
asking God to heal me
quite an experience
The healer asked me if i was in the police or was with horses
neither applied on that day... but as always openminded

Ok so after a week, throwing toys, daggers and spears out of my pram
wallowing in my own self pity
that much anger inside, i had to get a hair cut, by someone else
a place i can go and have a part of me cut, without hurting myself
Turning a self harming thought
into a self healing and positive experience

Commited myself to a 2nd home group this week
and last night had a drinking dream
what an end to a completely bonkers week
I still dont "drink like a gentleman" in my dreams
I just walked out of an AA meeting and was feeling ok
someone walked upto me
and asked me to hold a spare tumbler of wine for her
just for a moment... yeh sure ok
as i was talking to her
I just lifted it up to my lips and it
just went down in two, like it used to
sticking in my throat and burning as it went
such an enjoyable experience...
i never even realised until after it had gone, what i done
then it came, oh fuck, it can be that easy
it was just so natural
i didnt forget i dont drink
I just never gave it a thought
i had no mental defense against that first drink
a strange mental blank spot
a warning
also a sign... its the beginning of a chance to change
pain leads to spiritual growth

Today I got choices
Sit with this miserable behaviour
that I keep on with over and over at work
or change
I obviously cant change alone, or i would have done it by now
I must need a Power Greater than myself
To abstain from work is not practical
I have to learn how to do this
Become a worker amongst workers
Accept what I cant change at work
Change the things I can
I can change my Attitude
AA Altered Attitude
I need help with this
I need acceptance
I earn enough for what i need at the moment
accept it and get on with the steps

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.
They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme
example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so.
Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this
selfishness. We must, or it kill us! God makes that possible.
And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self
without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical
convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though
wewould have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness
much by wishing or trying on our ownpower.
We had to have God's help. P62 Alcoholics Anonymous

Keep on Keeping on

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