Saturday, October 22, 2005

I cant, He can, let Him

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our
Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee --
to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve
me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear
witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and
Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" We thought
well before taking this step making sure we were ready;
that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.
P63 Big Book

When i first took this step with my sponsor,
i could only just get what i was doing it for
I still didnt really get what it all meant
I just could see that what worked for you could also work for me
so i did it
It was a beginning

It really was a beginning of something much much more
than i could ever have imagined
My own limited understanding of what i was doing was almost nil
But i did it anyway

The power of prayer... its taken me until recent events
to really get what it means
to really trust & pray & do & let go
to be specific when i ask
to ask only if its gonna make me useful
lucky it seems i am
my prayers really do get answered

I just spent a week "trying to run the show" at work
i became the moaning old git never satisfied with what is
taking everyones inventory
quite frankly by Friday, i was sick of hearing myself speaking
living through gritted teeth & by fingernails
is NOT what God intends for me, its not happy joyeous & free
Its not useful whinging on

By Friday, i step 10'd, got honest with my sponsor
Self will... not again, its here again
just another area of my life, i trying to manipulate
Self seeking... yes i am underpaid
Ego-centric ... yes but dont you know who i am???

Time to right size
My pride is squashed
Self will running riot
Self pity beginning to ooze out of each pore
impatience until December/January
Financial Insecurity ... yeh that aswell
If you would only run the office how i suggest it.........
Pay me what am worth
Theres bits of me i cant change alone
i been trying to keep my mouth shut all week and i CANT
NO HUMAN power could have relieved our alcoholism P60 Big Book

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and aftermake clear three pertinent ideas:
That we were alcoholic and could not manage our
own lives.
That probably no human power could have relieved
our alcoholism.
That God could and would if He were sought.

P60 Big Book

Hear it... see it.... Feel it.... Step 3
The first requirement is that we be convinced that anylife run on self-will can hardly be a success P60 Big Book

I didnt know what to pray for.... now i do
Am getting braver at being specific
My faith is growing, broadening, growing
I tried it, so am doing it already for when Monday comes around

When i took Step3 last year, i had lots of evidence to prove that something Greater
was there, but i just could not see how there & what it was there for
I was too full of resentment, fear of becoming a non-entity, too full of self
Thank God for Honesty Openminded, Willingness
I had them things

Taking this step today, felt a natural thing to do, i wanted to
There is too much evidence now of a Power Greater than myself
& what it HAS done for me, and what i see done for others
Letting go of Old ideas IS the easier softer way
Doing Gods will IS the easier softer way
(not always obvious at the time though :)

I see its a lifelong process to be worked at
God & me & you's
Pickin up the spiritual tools is a gift
learning how to use them is a gift
Am grateful to be sober & on this Great Liner

Keep on, Keeping on

All page ref's "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous


Trudging said...

Good to see you posting again.

Blue said...

I can't, he can, I'll let him... perfect way to describe the 1st three steps

Frunobulax57 said...

I did not realize at first was that the co-founders where proposing was that I HAD to find God. That was their entire intent. How ever I conceptualized Him was of no import, as long as it was He.

I started with my Group, and this was all that was necessary for me to make a beginning. (We are not meant to end up with the same concept later, but for then, it was good enough).

I thought these Big Book thumpers were trying to cram THEIR God down my throat, but all that my own prejudice. Prejudice and intolerance prohibited me from hearing THE message from a lot of truly loving folks who were there to help me when I was new.

The point I finally got was that they knew I needed to find a new power to solve my problems and I could not do until I removed MYSELF from being God - stop blowing my own fanfare out of my own ass.

It is easy to be stuck here unless we have a great sponsor. Many people new at this, AAs sober 10, 15, 20 years who I have sponsored also get stuck here just like I did. It has been great to use the idea that my conception of God can be anything I like, as long as it makes sense to me. I have a written concept around somewhere; I will never show anybody. But it worked!

It made sense to me, so that when it came decision time (Step 3) I had a visualized entity. I said OK I have decided and started writing my fourth step. How did I know I had taken step three? I was on Step 4, that is how.


Danny S