Saturday, October 15, 2005

Solve all my problems ?

Tuesday, having considered going to something none fellowship instead of my home group. being asked by my sponsor to ask my self "what are my priorities?" I got a that huge wave of fear of being let go by Sponsor again. The rollercoaster commenced

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.
Page 64

This week, i have considered another fellowship AGAIN
I have this people fantasy issue
I no longer want to live with this miserable feelings & behaviours
Am sick of it
It started before i picked up a drink
Maybe drink is not my primary addiction
MAYBE there it came, that word i try not to use, its woolly & vague & drives me away from the programme into doubt, needing reassurance etc.

Look at the facts ONLY today, shit i couldnt because I didnt know them

I have been told by "AA wise people", wait til after step9
Seek outside help for what steps dont sort
I have heard in "AA meetings" other people get confused when they go to a few fellowships
This was driving me insane, this need to find out what was wrong with me
This FEAR, that i was the only one & knowing i wasnt
This ANGER that other people dont admit this
I never heard anyone discussing it in words i understand
(except newcomers... they all coming at me)
I havent got the answer & it became UNBEARABLE
Restless Irritable Discontented
An insane urge to fix on anything and everything
Old behaviours crept into my head,
i had to stop all this stuff in my head
Didnt do any of what i wanted to fix on
Full on frickin misery was setting in
Obsessing all day is not my idea of happy joyeous & free

I bought a WORDY BOOK i had to identify with this thing
Face the fucker head on
It was gonna eat me alive anyway, i might aswell read about what it was
12 step solution, Page 1, yeh i knew what was wrong with me
Did i need to read on ? I read chapter one
Made notes in the book, admitted to the book, where i identifed
Got it on the pages, shut the book
I knew i wasnt alone, but i felt soooo lonely, that Nutter feeling came back
Step10's, Gratitude lists, did all suggestions threw gritted teeth
It dont say it wont work "even if you think you are a nutter" does it ?
I didnt know what to do..., the suggestions werent working (BS see below)
Is that the truth ? Are they the facts ?

I called my sponsor, STOP analysing, call a newcomer
Go find a spiritual place (like a toilet) and get on your knees
Pray for the fixing to be lifted
Its hard...sob.... she said... yeh i know
I am desperate, i'll do anything, couldnt spend time looking for a toilet
I got on my knees in the middle of the cafe where i was sitting
Pretended to be looking in my bag
Prayed out loud (not that loud) for my fixing to be lifted
for God to show me his will & the power to carry it out

I was already meeting a newcomer, going to meeting together
How could i be of help today.... God said "Do it anyway, let go of the outcome"
I called up another 2 newcomers, both seemed grateful for the call
Left another message on a voicemail
Put the wordy book away, enough, enough

Went to Starbucks, spilled it, before i left the counter - God help me
Found a seat & read some big book
Friend came, went to the meeting of "Longer sobriety"
Message for me.... Hand it over
God can do anything...ANYTHING
Let go & keep letting go
Suddenly i was hearing it
People were sharing about how they hand other problems over to their Higher Power

Walked to the bus with the newcomer, sharing experience & step1 & 2
Bizarrely its where am in the big Book
sharing experience & hope etc, well i hoped i was
but wasnt that sure... not much responses from this week back relapser
Do it anyway... its none of my business what she thinks
Her bus came, i expected her to get on it, she didnt,
she chose to wait for mine & travel someway with me... how bizarre
I carried on sharing, listening, sharing, listening
Keep it very simple... its hard sometimes

Got home & did something I havent done for months
Candles, low lights, music & read the big book, got connected
( i realised have missed this time, my time with God)

Chapter to the Agnostics P56 "Who are you to say there is no God"
Sparked off for me
Who am i to say this wont work for me?
Who am I to say that God cant lift my obsession in this area?
Who am i to say that my Sponsors suffering was anyless painful than mine?
Who am i to put limits on the Power of God?
Am i gonna ignore ALL the evidence in my own experience of what God HAS already done for me, that I couldnt do for myself?
Am i gonna trust this process or not ?
Either God is or he isnt ... whats it to be ?
Funny that, i stopped fighting and slept

next day
Prayed many times for my fixes to be lifted, was specific
Read the wordy book, gave myself 30minutes, step10's then forget it
Tidied some stuff up at home
Went to meeting
Sponsor shared experience of same stuff as me
Said to use the steps in all my affairs
This is Alcoholism
I said i was angry no-one else discusses it, this people stuff
no-ones honest so how can i believe its gonna get fixed by AA ?
Thats when i surrendered - she was talking about it
Isnt one person talking to another enough?
Otherwise why would she say it... fuck it, i running out of fighting talk
am being beaten into this state of reasonableness AGAIN

The meeting reading...More about Alcoholism which included
Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems
YES YES alright... i'll stop sulking....its clicking you BASTARDS

The decision to not seek out side help was made
The wordy book, well, i tried to read some today, but couldnt take it in
It dont have that pull like it did
Went to meeting this afternoon, heard how people DID solve other problems with the help of their Higher Power, the Steps & fellowship.
Went to meeting tonight, heard how a 7 year old was doing step1 again because of another problem in his life, someone else, was doing similar.
Am listening God, am hearing God

Any frickin lengths, crawled through this week

So my priority is trust God, clean house & give freely of what I have been given
I am having to believe that God is everything
-I have no choice, theres to much evidence to not believe
I am about to embark on Step 3 tomorrow
There are no coincidences

I cant do this life alone, this week has proved it, my little plans and designs avail me nothing.
In AA i no longer have to do anything alone. Am grateful.

An old timer said tonight... Sometimes all i have to do is nothing.
Its true. Listen and learn and accept

And as for my comment at the beginning that Step10's, gratitude list, suggestions not working
That BS, I havent thought about a drink this week & I havent done anything really which warrants harm. Just a heap of misery, some isolating, all of which I am on my way out of.

Progress not Perfection

Keep on keeping on

All page references are from "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

1 comment:

Trudging said...

hang in there