Sunday, October 02, 2005

Suddenly i see

That i really have been complicating the hell out of all of this stuff
I only came in cos i had a drink problem
My life was so shit
An i was so sick of being this way (whatever it was)
You "sold" me the ideas in the Big Book, but i didnt see it at the time
You showed me how to tap into the hopelessness of my situation
Then you showed me what the solution was
I never realised Alcohol was a Power Greater than myself
I heard you felt/had felt like i did
You described me perfectly
I thought you could read my mind
I seen that you all had found something, a solution
Some of you no longer felt or behaved like i did
You didnt have that hoplessness, confusion, despair
You showed me what you done
I tried it, with much sulking
I got results
Sobriety lifted the lid on a huge pile of other aggravations
I was full of self pity, self doubt, unconscious dependence on people
Filled with what you called loneliness, that i didnt understand
Misery is optional you said
Stick with the winners
Trust the process, the Evidence is in the rooms
Something is keeping us sober & happy & free
So with much sulking & doubt & fear i trusted
By this time I was using the tool which lifted the self pity
By this time the obsession to drink had quietened
By this time I could feel something working
By this time I had some hope it might just work for me too

You showed me evidence recently that i was no longer alone
I felt absolutely part of something magical & loving & powerful
I took hold, accepted it & that layer of loneliness fell away

My unconscious dependence on people, became unbearably concscious
I had reached the layer which had locked me into this self doubt
This living through other peoples experiences
This lack of trust that my own experiences were real
This living in fantasy, someone elses reality
This reliance on people, really had brought me ultimately only misery
This illusion that someone else knew all the answers
This illusion that if i told you everything, you would fix me
This i had believed, this illusion had tricked me for a lifetime
This illusion that my experience was not valid
This illusion that i was never gonna be enough
This illusion that what i WAS experiencing was not enough
This illusion that you had to tell me yes am doing ok
This is how i lived my days
Making up rules to confine me
Unbearable, i got to that same point, i was sick of living like this

I had to let go or this was gonna kill me
it was killing me
I was full of resentment, fear
It was driving me insane
Even the people had stopped working for me
People were making me miserable
My attitude towards people was alll mucked up

I had to do what worked with alcohol
I had to let it go
I had to do without
I had to find a power greater than you and the other
I had to find One that had all Power
I didnt know how to let go, i never done it "alone"
I was baffled by this one
I was kind of ready, but i had no idea how ready
I thought i honestly wanted to be rid of this bondage
But i had no idea what was gonna happen
You knew intuitively knew what to do
Am no gonna analyse your actions any further than that
My My Hyde thinking told me this was the end, back to the darkness

But something came to me... i wasnt alone, it had already been proven
It wasnt gonna work now, well thats not true either, it already was
I dont know what to do
Well I wanted to get with my HP, heres my chance

So i have, and i am, some amazing experiences have happened in a month
I thought it would be the worst thing
but its actually been a "best thing"
Old ideas, dependence on people, places & things blocks me from the sunlight

Reliance on God has brought me only good stuff - there really are no limts

For a start my obsession to drink has been lifted, I have been restored to a level of Sanity around which I never experienced before. Like i said, my other stuff got in the way, i been missing the simplicity of it all. Our primary purpose, the last two paragraphs of a Vision For You, its all been there, but its only just jumped off the page and hit me.... Suddenly i see what its all about. I seeing the answers, theyre coming at me.

If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We werein a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort. P25/26 Alcoholics Anonymous

Being specific with God, has been working, the answers have come, but even today i see how my mind wipes easily, i had forgotten the Power of God there are no limits. I had forgotton to ask for guidance on stuff which baffles me. Its only a short time ago, i seen the power of asking for specific stuff, but today I forget.

Thankfully i am now listening to my Sponsor, trusting my own experience & asking the One who has all Power - God & doing my best to do his will

It works -- it really does (P88 Alcoholics Anonymous)

This i fully relate to now.....

I was to test my thinking by the new God-consciousness within. Common sense would thus become uncommon sense. I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me. Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others. Then only might I expect to receive. But that would be in great measure.

My friend promised when these things were done Iwould enter upon a new relationship with my Creator;that I would have the elements of a way of living whichanswered all my problems. Belief in the power ofGod, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, werethe essential requirements

Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meantdestruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all thingsto the Father of Light who presides over us all.

These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric.There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never know. There was utter confidence.I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound. P13/14 Alcoholics Anonymous


Trudging said...

Great post!

Scott W said...

Really beautiful stuff. First glance at the steps hanging on the wall gives no clue to the hidden magic within the words. We who can see and accept are truly the lucky ones.