Friday, December 09, 2005

I landed today - with JEFF

The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment,
jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear.
P145 Alcoholics Anonymous

Jealous of people I perceive to be what I am not... comparing
Envy of people who have what I want, but cant have... is a lie... it stopped working
Frustration at myself for feeling the above, arent i passed all that now... me the great me
Fear that I will not be able to overcome this lot... ever... hopeless case obviously

JEFF Jealousy, Envy, Frustration, Fear
JEFF, also gave me further stuf... some self pity...
poor fuckin me, am not as well as i thought i was
They are all wrong, am still just a fuck up

I also got told/suggested not to take on any more commitments
Too overloaded, with step4 already... "ok" i sulked

self centeredly i took it as personal insult...
... i obviously am doing it ALL wrong
I may aswell ditch all my future plans then...
Cancel all plans at the weekend, which will inturn impact Christmas
Fuckit I am staying in bed at the weekend to think about it all
Infact dont anyone ever approach me for advice, am too sick
See my best thinking today... lovely thoughts

How unreal, YET VERY REAL my thinking can spiral downwards

Thank God for my home group
Thank God for people who walked this path before me
Thank God for the visitor
You are my teachers
You that tells me your truth, which i learn to be my truth
Thank God I can see alot of the insanity of my thinking
Thank God am not scared to get honest, in an attempt to find the truth

Today has not been effortless
Today I have been doing anylength
Today has been about doing it anyway
Today my old ideas, crept into my head
Today i just did what was suggested
Today I just accepted, I am working it, todays just an odd day
Thank God I dont have to make it on my own
Grateful of the experience of coming down from the convention high
I will try and remember how it was
Its part of the process

Am gonna pray now
for the willingness & removal of my self centred fear
and for acceptance that This Too Shall Pass

Sober and grateful
Tired... so sleep then
Let today Go now, its History

1 comment:

Blue said...

hmm …now JEFF is not one I have run across yet good analogy… when I start to think like that my friend’s voice always pips up with the reminder to stop comparing my insides with other’s outsides