Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Step 4

Making an attempt again tonight
the disease is strong in me
i like where am at, it knows that
my self will is powerful
Acting out is an option

I dont like the person I am writing about
but i know i havent solved the issue am writing about
its just not a part of my life at the moment
but it may be in the future
the same feelings will come up again, no doubt
the same difficulties, different setting

Listen to this head speak...
step4 wont cure it...
no one said step 4 will cure anything!!
your too fucked up for steps to help with that
how the hell do I know, i havent done to 12 yet
It wont work!!
I havent had the chance to try steps on it
it wasnt your fault, just stay away from that
area of life and you'll be fine

I dont want to isolate from anything thats difficult
I want to work through stuff at this basic level

so that i can try anything i want to
what anything ?
yeah anything not destructive, i want freedom
you have it now
no i want a new freedom
i want victory over these difficult areas
i want to be able to have a choice
to go boldly where i havent gone before
what now ?
no just whenever, when opportunity knocks
i want the choice

I want to build a solid foundation
not one built on fear, pride, selfishness, dishonesty
one built on honesty, faith & willingness, openmindedness
love n stuff like that

You really dont want to listen to me do you
not really, you hold me back nowadays
but you used to like how we did stuff
yeah i know, but now i want to try somethings different
why ?
cos i like whats going on, i liking who i am
i want to, but you always seem make it hard
yeh because i dont want to leave
look, we had this conversation before
you will always be there, i have no doubt
we will always have conversations like these
you reckon ?
yeah i reckon, just not as often, maybe
okay, you know where i am if you need my advice
yeh, i do

just do your step4 then day at a time
cinch by the inch

i did, now i fear the consequences tomorrow

yeh well like you said, i'll always be there
patiently waiting, its just a matter of time
you aint gonna get them steps done
and your pride will kill you

Shut the fuck up


Trudging said...

I think you are well on your way to that solid foundation.

Blue said...

Beautifully expressed, I can completely relate. I agree with you, my pride will kill me and my head will take me straight there if I let it. But that is the beauty of the choice I have today, I don’t have to listen to my thoughts anymore. Seems like you realize it too and I often tell that “committee” inside my head to just shut the fuck up, sounds like that foundation you are building is a strong one, keep it up & keep coming back.