Thursday, September 01, 2005

I had a dream

My heads in a spin, i am having to let go of possibly the biggest and most destructive old behaviour i have & its about killing me and my sponsor (imo) in the process.

I just got honest, in my own innocent demanding, childlike needy, give me more and more and more and more way, pissed my sponsor right off and my heads completely mashed up, i got shown the destruction & hurt that i can cause.

I dunno, this brainwashing .... well my brain needs washing is true for me

Its horrible that i leave this trail of worn out people along the way in my wreckage. i want this to stop NOW. But its not my in my time, its my HP's time.

So i dunno whats gonna happen next, get the sack ? lose my sponsor? drink again or do the steps and get my teeth off everybodies necks, God what have you got instore for me?

am i abusing this gift of AA ? STOP analysing. LEAVE IT THERE thats none of my business

Anyway they say pain is the touchstone of growth, i flippin hope so for both our sakes.

The dream on Monday night

I was lying in hospital with people around me, and the life support system has been turned off a while. There was this countdown going on, i was counting down the time I had left to turn the machine BACK ON. It was my choice if i did or did not, but if i got to Zero then its too late dead.
...... 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3 at three i turned it back on.

Three is a significant number in my life today - read into that what you will

The steps restore me to sanity, i never had sanity before.


Blue said...

Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do? ~ Big Book pg, 60

Step three is a good place to be and being restored to sanity is a fricken miracle if you ask me, for a long time I never thought it was possible. Just doomed to keep repeating the same behavior and expecting a different outcome, that’s insanity. You’re trying to do something different and sometimes just trying is all it takes

johno said...

thanks blue