Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I keep remembering


Feeling tearful today, getting mixed up at work, felt like I was doing more wrong than right. Its that bad hair time of the month again, but it is also a time when I get in touch with my truth, the stuff thats really going on ... if i choose to. Its like my eyes have been on the verge of welling up, but they were very clear & blue today...because i checked.

Stuck it out to the end and went to a meeting,

I remembered.... how I so wanted to make you make you better, be less manic, less crazy, less sick. I thought for ages, years meant well. I thought you SHOULD be weller than me because you got more loads more sobriety than me. When was it that I realised that it doesnt work like that. That you seeked to know what/who you really are. Your authentic self. You may not always like how you are, but at least you have accepted it. You have reached YOUR level of comfortableness. When I stopped fighting, stopped playing God and really listened to what you were saying, I heard you ...

Suddenly I loved you, even though I didnt always like you. And now you are gone... gone far away, but what you left behind for me is beautiful.

You showed on my first 24 hours that "There is, however, a vast amount of fun about it all" you showed me the insanity of my thinking, that you thought like that too or else how could you have known? I thought it was all a coincidence. You shared about your sponsors, steps, the changes you had seen in others brought on by the programme, the pod people, the grip of the bedclothes everymorning, who is it that tucks the duvet in that tight I cant get out of bed again, that paralyses my arms & legs during the night, only releasing me at somepoint saturday afternoon. You proved to me that IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE A LAUGH WITHOUT ALCOHOL. And you continued to do that right until you went.

All it took was for me to ask you for a Marlboro and you to ask me to go for a coffee. You 12 stepped me. Total identify. Such a fricking laugh. You even told me that the winners would tell me to stay away from you. You were right. You knew that at less than 24hrs sober, how vulnerable I was & but still you told me what I needed to hear. You even gave me space when my sponsor suggested (ORDERED) 100% abstinence from you. When I defied her you bollocked me. You even got me admitting (out loud for Gods sake) how crazy my thinking is, even on my most sane days. You are truly a gift of my sobriety.

Thank you for loving me in a way that I needed, not what I wanted.

Thank you for showing me how you practiced "To Thine Own Self be True" How you accepted the things you couldnt change, sought the courage to try and change the things you could, and you found wisdom to know the difference. Most of the time...

I love you x

Til we meet again

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