Monday, July 25, 2005

Distraction or avoidance or what ?

step8's painful, virtually had to nail my foot to the floor this weekend to stop me doing everything under the sun except get on with this effer. The effort to get pen in hand and sit and write and when i did, very little came out. Even cleaning seemed attractive...yikes.

Harms done, yeh loads. Acts and ommisions. I still doing some of this behaviour.
Truth is I never knew how to lead an honest life. But I really thought I did....
Slid from one thing to another, one fix to another, always looking for that magic wand to be waved by someone else, or for them to change their behaviour, or for me to become this able person, just because someone gave me a bit of advice from a self help book. I spent years and years really believing it would happen, this personality change, overnight, a bit of self knowledge would solve all, I would wake up a with a new mind, body & soul...fixed.

How deep is my denial, 40 thousand fathoms, feel like them layers are piling back on again. Unwillingness, dishonesty and closedmindedness are knocking, they are still there, they are the roots of lots of my harms to other people. This disease is cunning baffling and powerful.

I really believed there was no other way for me, well there was, but didnt want it because i knew better or worse, i was different, my circumstances meant that i couldnt do it your way. I was comparing my inside with all your outsides. How wrong could I have been....

Someone last night told me that he drank again last year after 3 years sobriety, because he wasnt willing to do step 8. Thats the great sad fact. I am not special or different.

Step 8 plays tricks, "maybe if i got back together with my ex then I could repair all the harms done" ..... look but dont stare. Me Me Me Me (the great me) of course I would be welcomed back, without a doubt... Oh yeah, I just moved flats this weekend, nice apartment in cloud cuckoo land

Dont listen to your head

Do or Die.... yes for me it really is that serious, half measures will avail me absolutely nothing. Step 8 every day. No excuses, excuses for me, means unwilling, as I really have nothing that is so important that, prevent me from doing some everyday.

God I offer myself to thee, to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I may help. Of thy Power, thy Love and thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always. Amen

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