Sunday, August 14, 2005

here goes

What I am suffering from is 'disillusionment'. this is my chance to learn how to deal with this. Its part of growing up and replacing expectations and idealism with THE UNFLATTERING AND VERY IMPERFECT TRUTH. And then accepting life as an IMperfect entity. if its not honest, it will cause me pain. End of. Thank you Sponsor.

At least I know now, gonna pray to be shown what it means now, pray to be shown the where am disillusioned, pray for the UNFLATTERING & VERY IMPERFECT TRUTH.

The truth always sets me free. Its true. Even if i dont like it. Thats it, all bets are off once i do that prayer. This is a real trust that my Higher Power will NOT give me more than I can handle..... Gonna sleep on that prayer. Not sure am 6&7 on disillusionment and the rest tonight.

I want the rose tinted specs to be off, i started to lift them up, for a few minutes at a times recently. Seeing the world & its people for what it is. I really don’t want to. But my fantasy world in my head is not very enjoyable anymore, I want to play outside now, see it what its really like, see if its true what you all say....that its ok really.

Give myself a choice to stay in or go out of my head, each day seems sensible choice to give myself. But I have to experience the outside first, in order to tell my head that I don’t want to be in there. I want to know what its really like outside myself. But I have to wait to finish step8 first.

Exciting stuff. I never been out there, not really out there, is there anybody out there?

Bit of a Maths problem going off today triggered off by my share this afternoon. Am on step8, theres 12 steps in the programme. I thought I only had 4 to do, but the truth is i got 5, because I havent finished 8 yet. That means 5 from 12 is 7, one above 6. That means i only just over half way through the programme. In my head, i was 3/4 of the way through. I told you my heads full of shite. (erm would that be disillusioned even? huh what was that... I DONT REMEMBER SLIPPING A QUICK PRAYER IN THERE, God/HP you are so funny. NOT :-)

The truth re the maths is NO your not finished yet Johno, no where near, its a 12 step programme, not 7+1/2. Get on with it, suffering is optional, but it becomes more likely the longer I balking on the steps. Even if I do feel happy joyeous and free, theres still room for improvement, look at last nights grand performance. You Drama Queen.

Grateful to the point of considering handing out sick bags in meetings at the moment. Is this real what am feeling or is my gratitude deluded? I dont care, i like it.

Step8 am half way through the 3rd column & the final column, half way through, thats HALF FRICKING WAY THROUGH.... keep on keeping on, keep on keeping on, keep on keeping on until told otherwise. yeeeeey


One Drunk to Another said...

For me, though, even though I worked through the first 12 steps with a sponsor the first time, I have worked through them many times since over the years. I live them in my daily life. They have become a "design for living" as the book Alcoholics Anonymous says. The steps have become a comfort for me, a strength that I draw upon. I lived my life before AA like I didn't have an owner's manual, unable to function properly, not sure how to "do" life like I should. The Twelve Steps have helped me cope with so many situations. After the first year of sobriety when I worked through those steps very thoroughly with a sponsor and really got rid of a lot of the "junk" I was carrying around in me, I was able to start then living a "12 step life" that has allowed me to grow into a whole new person. I wouldn't trade this life for my old life ever!!!!

You are blessed to be doing this! Just give this time. It does get better, but it can be difficult along the way. Just remember that the steps are worded with "WE" not "I" which means you have to draw support from others to get through each day, one day at a time. Keep going! I'm cheering for you!

johno said...