Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
See I can easily focus on something or someone
and build their behaviour into something
that is a deliberate attempt to sabotage
my peace of mind and happiness
When the truth is
many other friends, colleagues and neighbours
also are the same and it doesn't affect me
in the same way as it does this person!
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
Sometimes the retaliation from them
and the hurt I feel
is completely manufactured by
my own self will predictions
the other person is completely oblivious
the truth is they have done nothing
except be themselves
other people are doing the exact same thing
and it is not affecting me ATALL
I just realised this happens in me
I just realised this
This is what happens when
a person becomes a higher power
not necessarily in a God sense
just larger than "real" life
living in my head more than necessary
Its a change for me
its a different set of defects driving
this rent free living in my head
but its still
self will and self centredness
together with fear
leaving me in self pity
there is a need to get over my self!
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.
We must, or it kills us!
God makes that possible.
And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God´s help.
Step 3 again! All Italics Big Book 4th ed P62
I just watched Brokeback Mountain on tv
A love that dare not speak its name
It wasnt too long ago that I couldnt
sit and focus on a film sober for the duration
this is progress
its even more progress
that I sewed some buttons
that have fell off over the last few
done some painting at time today
DIY maintenence stuff aswell
realised that I am a little
out of sorts now my course has finished for the summer
like I said the other day
preparing for a change in activity and things
Doing the next right thing :)