We are not saints. P60
Everyone has issues, flaws, problems, difficulties
Some just live live with them
Some get help to overcome them
Some of them are destructive to other
Some are destructive to self
Some are a problem/difficulty for you and not to me
Some are a problem/difficulty for me and not for you
Having just caught the end of a TV programme, where
a woman just killed herself cos when she was found
out for mental and physical cruelty to her future step
son. Again, its mental illness, no one listened,
no one knew what she went through, so she just
believed what she was doing was ok, and so the cycle of abuse
contiunues... until someone says no and stands by it
To find out that anything I have done for a long period of time
is actually not helping me, and or the people around my
is not something that pleases me, however nowadays I welcome
the truth, its a chance to change for the better.
As in a previous post, I do not understrand the mind of a
child abuser, because I am not one, nor a psychopath!!
and I am grateful for that.
But I do understand a little of the closed mindedness that leads
to destructive behaviour. If we dont want to change we will not.
Even if its illegal or destructive, at the point of finding
out what we do is detructive, is the point where we have to make a
SURRENDER and Go to any lengths to recover
Go on to the bitter end, thinking only of our very selfish selfs
and not changing, in fact in many cases worsening.
The Big Book talks about this choice P24/P25
One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort.
Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. P58
This is Self will, arrogance...closed minded, unteacheable
The fact that my life was so unmanageable and not getting any better
was as the result of my drinking and my refusal to accept any help for anything.
Its true, I didnt really make any SERIOUS attempts to change
because I arrogantly (closed mindedly) thought i was ? ok, well as ok as I could be, you know, i was like how I was cos of my ? childhood. I didnt know that there was any other way, I didnt know I didnt have to be "ucked up and I didnt know anyone who had been abused and seemed to live a normal life. I mean who talks about child abuse outside of self help groups, samaritans and Kilroy, and Oprah ?? you dont get many well people talking about how they overcome it and live a normal life...do you ?
Yes I found both in AA
I found women who had abuse similar to mine
an they had overcome their difficulties
they did not shut the door on it
they had archived it approriately
dealt and dealing with it
and brought it out to show me and evidence
AA works on anything
I got hope and willingness to accept Spriritual help
just maybe this could work for me
Step1, Child abuse affects my life
Step2, Yes I came to believe the steps, and AA
could "just maybe" restore me to some sanity
or at least make it a little better" on this area
of my life
Step3, Leave it in Gods hands and Gods Time
Just for today I will not tackle all my life problems
Just do today, today
Step4, All the resentments, fears, the truth (as I saw it)
Step5, We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle P66
Step6, Yes am very ready to let go of my old ideas, try and not alow the old ideas and thinking hold me back...well at least try, let Go
Have some compassion for that little girl I was, If a little girl
came up and told me what had happened to her, would I be as hard on her
as I had been to myslef all these years? No.
Well then, have some compassion. DO IT.
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick P66
Pray for the B**t*rds!!
Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." P67
Step7, God could and would help me to overcome this stuff
So I asked him, in prayer, to take care of me, change me
Step 8, he was on my list, but was taken off, I hadnt harmed him
the others, not on my list, they disappeared in Step4/Step10
Step 9, not applicable. big Book doesnt suggest we make amends to ourselves
Step 10, This I need to do again this week
I need to contimue to take inventory on it, the fact I have been posting
on this and thinking about it, shows me I need to at least be willing
to sit and take inventory, its come up and I feel uncomfortable
blogging about it, dont know why, am just doing it anyway.
Step11, Will continue to pray on this, I trust God will take care of me
I will continue to seek through prayer and meditation to seek Gods Will for me
Step 12, having had a Spiritual Awakening on this area of my life, I can tell you
I am no longer a victim of child abuse, I survived it, and now I am living each day. I am under no illusion my past may affect future relationships, and will
continue to be honest open minded and willing to address it as it comes up.
To sit theorising in a counselling session seems a little SELF WILLED. I do not need to know why I am like I am or how it may affect me/the other person TODAY.
Honesty, willingness, openmindness, Humility
Keys to freedom
Note to self... take inventory on this TODAY
Stop thinking about it and just do it
The fact that I am a recovering alcoholic
or recovered alcoholic
or just an alcoholic
Is no excuse for continuing any behaviour which
is destructive to self or others
It doesnt explain my actions
nor does it excuse it
TODAY I AM RESPONSIBLE
ok I need a bath