Tuesday, December 16, 2008

yet wishing it were different

I want to study
yet I feel completely empty
of all willingness in this area
it feels like
self will sabotage
yet at the same time
complete exhaustion
i am enjoying
comeing home from work
and cooking
bike riding
watching tv
phoning friends
going to meetings
going to church
making friends non AA locally
reading
step 11
anything but NOT studying
I pick the book up and resent it ALL

Bill once said something like
dont worry if you cant pray
keep the willingness and at somepoint
it will begin again

I havent the willingness to study
I am resentful or work and study
and the fact the each impacts on the other
and I am in the middle
yet natural default is to just work
there is a fine line between
anylengths and self will run riot!

yet how long will not studying be enough?
will the wonder of the degree return
what I originally wanted to do
has changed
I have seen it it for what it is
and I dont want it
but there are other avenues
at the moment
I feel very closed minded
yet at the same time frustrated because
I am like this
I want to be open minded
I think I am sulking
self will run riot yet I dont really think so!

perhaps I need to fail this semester
to FEEL what I really want to do!?
imagine what it would like to be without...
ok no more analysis paralysis

ok, off to eat, write some more cards
and take a much needed inventory
ask for some desires to be removed

4 comments:

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

i feel the same. not many are wel organised. most leave till last minute. i like the film the pusuit of happynesss to describe how its a joy to do.

http://nl.youtube.com/watch?v=A-2GJRixxRI

the beginning feels like nothing. then hwen the stress kicks in, it gets !! scary but them it gets better. you'd be surprised if you knoew how complacent and unorganised most students are. so dont think this lets you off hte hook. its an emotional roller coaster. not easy. the hardest paart is the resistance. not the study itself.

Kathy Lynne said...

I feel exactly the same way..though I'm not a student...but I feel that way towards my household responsibilities...and even my job though more the homefront..at least I get paid for the job...I've been praying about it..

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

nah. keep on pluggin away.
im apatheic as well. just happens. then yu get scared and it all gets done somehow.

A Tampa Realtor said...

Hey there! I am coming to London on January 8th btw... look forward to it!

Ok, so I can totally relate to your post! I went to school first for MIS/CS... which was basically computers and business. I hated it, I resented it, and I despised it. But I kept with it, graduated, got into the business world and HATED my life even more.

If you have any doubts, and have an idea of what you might like to be doing, my advice is to try out the thing you think might be the right thing. Do it now, because it is easier to change earlier rather than later!

We don't have to stay on a path just because... I did because I was scared what people would say. Today I am 27 years old, and I am going back to school to do something I really think I want to do! It's totally better. Its hard work, I study alot, and I DONT resent what I am doing.

It took me a few years to get willing to change my life, but I was completely unhappy in my previous life. Today I am happy, I have a shit-load of hard work ahead, and I will be in school for another 6 years! But the key thing is that I am HAPPY! Just do it if you are thinking about it... listen to your heart, not your ego!

Jonathan