Sunday, June 24, 2007

Experience Strength & Hope

Personal relations
Practicing these principles
from relying on people
to reliance upon God
(as I understand him)

What it was like
I spent all my life
looking for the the right person
to wave a magic wand and fix me
when i saw other people were vulnerable too
i tried to fix them

I thought that if i just hung around them
I would feel better
if i listened to their "wise" words
i would be ok
the wise words were simple "common sense"
to me it was a different language

Its true, i felt better when i was with them
it wore off when i wasnt
i just felt restless irritable and discontented
but i kept going back for more
unable to leave it alone
always believing next time would be the one
i would get this thing they had
when i didnt
I felt really useless
and i resented them for not being able
to get through
they eventually fleed, or drifted away
or I rejected them

What happened ?
Being in AA its like I got to start again
only it took a while to realise
that i still was behaving the same way
I couldnt see what was I was doing
for a long while, when I did I didnt like it
and even more scary, this honest program
of action was forcing me to do something about it
(no person did made me do this,
the process weeded it out and I had a choice
change or die)
To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live
on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives
to face. But it isn't so difficult.

I got to find out exactly I had that
was of use "assets" and what the "deadwood"
A cluster of old ideas I have HAD to let go of
- my sponsor knows the answer to everything. Wrong
- people will fix me and I will fix other people. Wrong
- If someone is sad, and they talk to me, i should
make them laugh of course its my duty. Wrong
- People will always be there. Wrong
- All AA's are reliable. Wrong
- AA's always tell the truth. Wrong
- Just because they dress well, they must be ok. Wrong
- just because they've been around the fellowship
since man first crushed grapes, they are the dogs bollocks
and must be my first point of contact for EVERYTHING. Wrong
- Just because "part of the herd" seems to respect them
they must be right. Wrong
- I must know all the answers and all possible combinations. Wrong
- If I have the best sponsor I will stay sober. Wrong
- Simply attending lots of meetings will keep me sober. Wrong
- Solely talking to God will make it all alright. Wrong
- Spending time alone with "Virtual people" is enough. Wrong
ok enough...i need to stop and get to the point

What happened again?
I reached a point a few years ago
When my idea that my sponsor would eventually
comeup with a the magic link in the chain
finally ran out of steam
I was left feeling afraid
I wanted to reject before being rejected
I wanted to eject, run away and stay
at the same time
Disillusionment and helplessness are his lot. In time all his protectors either flee or die, and he is once more left alone and afraid. Step 4. 12x12

This reliance I had had of people
this belief that someone would eventually
come up with a cure for my ucked upness
was crumbling
It wasnt the sponsor that was at fault
it was my 30 year old idea that had no depth
Reality set in, as did fear

I had heard in AA lots of times that
what I put before my recovery I will lose
Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.P98

I had heard that My reliance must be on a Power
Greater than myself
I had heard that a for AA itself
a Loving God is the ultimate authority. Tradition 2
I had heard and experienced that people will let me down
My ideals for people and myslef to live upto
were way to high, there is only one thing
that seemed to fit this gap
I couldnt change myself and neither could my sponsor
This problem I had was beyond human aid
(a)That we were alcoholic and could
not manage our own lives.
(b)That probably no human power could have
relieved our alcoholism.
(c)That God could and would if He were sought.
My sponsor had faith that was enough

It was a time when Steps 2 & 3 were making
that journey from the head to my heart
Gulp, I duuno what to do
If you want to learn how to swim
Take lessons
Even when you had lessons
When your teacher says jump in for the first time
Its a risk we have to take that the instructions
will work, even though we see it works for others
we have fear that we are special and different
its about faith and works

just jumping in isnt enough
we have to work the arms and legs and breathe
if we do just one or two it will be ok
to do it all at the same time, they way we are shown
it will be better
trust your teacher wouldnt have suggested it if
they didnt think it would be ok
(well yeh, ok there are some dubious teachers)
So basically I had to rely on God
either God is everything or else He is nothing.
God either is or He isn´t.
I knew this, but didnt know how to do this
I always scared of this leap of faith
We were grateful that Reason had brought us so far.
But somehow, we couldn´t quite step ashore.
that there would be no water in the swinmming pool
the day I got round to jumping in
(I still thought I was special and different)
That was natural, P53

But again my fear was driving a BIG FAT LIE
Paralysed by fear
I had to jump anyway, just fucking do it
Enough of the analysis

I likened it to stage diving, like they do
jumping off the stage, diving onto the crowd
trust they will not be ripped to pieces
and they will be returned to the stage
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has
thoroughly followed our path

But there is One who has all power-that One is God P58
I found him and I haven't let go since
Why would I, only an act of pure self will and sabotage
would let go of this thing now
A new life has been given us or,
if you prefer, a design for living that really works

What seemed at first a flimsy reed,
has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God.

By praying
and using the tools I had been given so far
I was led to I needed and wanted to go next
being teachable it was easy
I knew it was the right thing
With some still doubt
I rally drove all the tools i had been given
and they didnt let me down

I found someone who had absolute faith
in a loving God
someone who had just that
that was the only thing I wanted from them
to show me their journey through the steps
and how they have and absolute faith in
their Loving Higher Power

What its like now
I did it like they did
and guess what
I have that thing now
absolute unshakeable faith
and its lovely

Its God I rely on
Prayer and the tools
Yeh sometimes I get absurd Ideasp87
I do seek counsel at times
doesnt have to be with my sponsor

The more I work with God (as I understand it)
the stronger I am inside
The spiritual surgery works
we find that our thinking will,
as time passes, be more and more on the plane
of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.

People do teach me, I just dont rely on them

God is

I have made huge progress
and am still work in progress on this one
am willing to grow some more
its all gonna be ok
I am in safe hands

1 comment:

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

"People do teach me, I just dont rely on them"

That's a REALLY good way of putting it. I might borrow that for future use.
Yeah learning how to be ? no dependent ? (not sure what the word is) is VERY important. It sounds like you have learned how to do it in the AA context, but just you wait till you learn the EXACT SAME THING in relationships. OUCH! is all i can say. the journey is IDENTICAL, but well worth it. just like the same journey in AA was. Good work. I don't see NEARLY ENOUGH ? independence (for want of a better word) in AA. its all an act of faith in the end..