Sunday, June 24, 2007

Personal relations - recent Progress

What happened is that
another pedestal and old idea
has come down, it crashed on Friday
I feel so much better

I have been wrestling with this pig in my head
for a few weeks now, refusing to put it
on paper

As soon as I did I felt humbled
Another teachable moment where I had
Got it all wrong, what seemed perfectly
rational, I had sussed the defect in my head
and was dealing with it appropriatelly

On paper it became clear it was a completely
different defect, that was driving this
wrestling match

I have had to stop taking other people inventory
ie 2nd guessing again why they are behaving the way they are
around me, even though its positive behaviour
I always assume I am the underdog
in need of a leg up
and why arent they assuming that same old position
of footstool

Today I feel different
today i am already up
and i couldnt see it
I am myself
I am enough
It has worked
it is working
it will continue to

people behave diffently towards me now
because I am different

I hadnt really understood what was had occurred
until Friday evening in a Step 6 meeting
am still shocked by this and suprised
there are no coincidences
I forgot about this step

Step 6
Were entirely ready to have God remove
all these defects of character

Well am I? am I still willing?
what defect is it this time ?
-that means, letting go of an old idea that around certain people
I will always be a lustful and self seeking
-if i wont, that means, I do not trust this process
-that means, I have not handed all my difficulties over
I am holding something back
-that means I need to take a step back to Step 3 on something
still didnt feel right
yeh on this difficulty I needed to go back to step3
and then take inventory

Step 6 = I have to be willing to let go of them all
it doesnt say when or how its about being willing
God I could go on for hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did let go and took inventory again
It showed me that I was wrong about the
defects that have been driving this recent wrestle
My thinking is so unreliable
Fear holds me back
Self will is disastrous left inside my head

Take inventory
Its alwasy easier to take someone inventory
inventory showed me
What I was unwilling to do was accept I would ever
make any progress around someone
No longer were the same defects driving me
I thougt they were, again I cannot rely on my thinking

It was simply fear = of progress of the unfamiliar
and self will = this person wasnt assuming the position
of fixer I was usd to and i didnt like that cos this
new stuff seemed unfamiliar, therefor it must be a problem

I couldnt see. I have made progress
Taking inventory has very positive effects

the Power of God and using the tools
God has done for me what I couldnt do form myself
Sorry and all that, I got it very wrong God
Lack of faith in your power

Now I have a message of recovery
My primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics
Whether on a blog or in a meeting or anywhere
end of

Gods response... in a gentle but firm voice
Johno just continue to be yourself
its enough, no need to be afraid
Do not be discouraged
Progress not prefection
Keep on keeping on

ok, i will

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