Saturday, June 02, 2007

cutting the hair of a control freak

What it was like
I used to cut my hair myself
It was one way of cutting myself
without doing any skin damage
A temporary release
deluded ... ease & comfort
Another fix
Too tight to pay London prices
money was better spent on cheap vodka
no one could cut my hair the way I wanted
cos I didnt really know what I wanted
no one understood me
poor me....

Stylists they always wanted to cut how they wanted
If I wanted it how I wanted,
they always did that deep sucking in
like mechanics do
How would they know anything about hair?
and how would they know whats best for me anyway?
Its my hair, I have to wear it......i know better

What happened ?
At some point a few years ago
I got the urge to self harm big time
wanted to cut my hair and myself
But was in recovery and knew I didnt want to do this anymore
I wanted to let go of this old idea
that self harm made me feel good
WHEN i CUT MY SKIN AND MY HAIR
I FELT GUILT, REMORSE, SHAME, ANGRY, SCARED
it didnt work, and I didnt want to do it anymore

So I made a decision to let go of the scissors
Let the hair expert take control
quelle suprise
people commented on my hair
how good it looked
how much younger I looked
Oh my God

What its like now
I now go to one of the cheapest place in London
£5 a cut
Just off Shaftesbury Avenue
Am in and out in 15minutes inc the wait
No products
No tea and biscuits
no flowery fluffy stuff
no time to change my mind
no time to build up too much resentment
very little small talk about holidays

How would you like it ?
just a bit shorter
how much ?
not much
not too short
what style ?
same as is, can you see how it is ?
yep I can
not sure how much to take off, an inch ?
errr yeah ok, try that then...(fear)
not too short though
and leave the fringe like it is (I mumble)
top a bit messy
back a bit long
not too short though

Physically, i grit my teeth
hold my breath
focus on my double chin
dread them cutting my ears
imagine they are going to cut my hair far to short
cos I know best
Johno your a poor crystal ball gazer
Johno your such a drama queen!!

So my hair is now cut by the same place
even swap around the "stylists"
Even though its such a performance in my head
I do it anyway

the results time after time are
I feel better
I like the style they conjoured up for me
Other people compliment me aswell
I haven't self harmed for a long while now
I have given up cutting my own hair
If I get the urge, I take inventory and pray
am still tight with money
or is the truth that...
have I found what works
and am now working it

Grateful to be in AA
Grateful to no longer believe the
negative head stuff
Grateful I just done a chair in Brixton Prison
grateful its sunny and hot
am off to the park
Grateful to be grateful
Grateful to be Free

thank you Blue for inspiring this post

3 comments:

JJ said...

90 days is friggin' huge! congrats!!
You rock,
JJ

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

i think a trip to the hairdresser brings out the control freak in the best of us! good work though!

Blue said...

Johno what a kick ass post! I am humbled... really. I love this one. I have to laugh about the control idea and hair stylists my co-sponsor is one and trust me... I can see it! She is a wonderful woman and has saved my ass many times so it doesn't bother me

:)