The main difference between God
and me us that God doesn't spend
anytime thinking he us me
I did not create today
I have no control of anything
and I struggle with this
grandiosity
accepting this short term
is easy
maintaining it
and spotting it's guises
grandiosity in me
is very difficult
I am not God
all the while
I think I have any real control
of anything, especially
when my heart will stop beating
or the like
I am disillusioned
all my supposed power
is a lie
yet to accept powerlessness
and not just be a victim
not just be manipulated
not just be hurt
harmed is a tricky balance
especially at the moment in the workplace
yet really in all life areas
all my affairs
how many times must
I renounce my defects
always my side of the street
always my inventory
always me just get right with god
and then I get a voice
I am not god
I am living today due Grace
not my grace
God given grace
my impatience
my pride
my self will
my sloth
my action
my selfichness
my grandiosity
my fear
this is all in me
I created my own misery?
Yes I can always see where I stepped
on the toes of some one or did something
if I hadn't done this,
then that wouldn't have happened
but! It doesn't mean that
I made wrong decisions
it just means I took a risk,
got involved
got out if bed and took part
and now I am hanging onto that part
like a desperate actor
as though my life depends on it
trying to control the lights and the rest of the actors
when the truth is
my part, my life is dependent upon God
a God of love
a god of growth
that wants the best for me
but god sometimes
I wish you didn't choose me
sometimes I wish that you let me go
yet I am afraid that life
without you now
will definitely be so much worse
hell
What is it you want from me?
Just please make it very clear
because I have so much suffering
perhaps this us about to become
a rock bottom in this area of my life
in Which case, although I don't want it
I really do...
I need complete humility
I need no ego
recreated
pruned
shaped
the more I let go
surrender
the stronger I become
and the more of a witness
to Gods power and love
I am
I will not leave a vacuum
when I leave a room
job, meeting, street, church, shop
if god stopped working
if creation stopped happening
if evolution did not happen
if the world stopped revolving
if my heart stops beating
if nothing - no thing happened
we would die
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2 comments:
Johno, I don't think that you will leave a vacuum. I wonder whether there are so many questions to be asked, that the answers which are right in front of me, get overlooked.
I've come to realize that us humans (especially the ones spiritually seeking) want the 'good' feelings, thoughts, - the heavenly stuff! and we tend to reject, dislike, push away, think 'somethings gone wrong' when the so-called 'bad' feelings, thoughts and so forth come our way. I heard a spiritual teacher - Adyashanti - say once 'it's easy to be awake in Heaven, but can you be awake in hell?'.. how would we recognize clarity and freedom without some degree of confusion and pain? I guess the short version would be - it's all good :) Byron Katie likes to say "God is everything, God is good". Not always easy to say eh?!
my best to you sweetheart - it's been a while. i enjoy reading your writing - there is a lot of wisdom there that i'd be curious if you see.
lana g (molly)
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