Get honest with God (as you understand God)

He always listens
always forgives
pray honestly
ask for anything you want in a childlike way
and God will give you what you need
in a Parental way

Talk to Him like no other
because He is like no other

Pray, talk, whisper,
mumble, yell
outloud, in silence
in a crowd, alone
on a beach, in the city

Do it often
like someone you want a relationship with
build it, grow it
learn to listen
and listen to learn
you will get to know
how God communicates with you
he really does

that voice
hear that voice again
you will recognise it
it will come often
and sometimes seemingly random

Heaven stands still
everytime you pray

God allows us to have what we want
if we really want it
and he also allows us the consequences
comfortable and uncomfortable
he has a plan, a good plan

I have everything I need already
I am tired
my motives have changed
my dream became reality
and I saw what the future holds
by following that dream
and I dont like what I see
greed and fear
in a "world" I dont understand
speaking a language I dont grasp
involving thinking I do too much of
longer hours enclosed
wearing clothes I feel uncomfortable in
I feel a door is closing
I feel like I am closing a door
willingly with love
letting go
And Acceptance is the answer... P417

Do I want to be right or happy?
Happy!

I'm off, more prayers on the beach
with the Great Ocean

Happy, joyful, funfilled healthy new year!
May you feel real love in the home
that you live in
channel ALL that life you have
running through your veins
into becoming usefully whole

Wants and needs today

Spending time
in meditation and prayer
I have found some truth
with it ... some acceptance

No thing is more important
that my relationship with God
No thing, want, is worth losing
my physical or mental health sanity

God always gives us what we want
if we want it enough
and sometimes we suffer the consequences
of those wishes

Sometimes a dream
when it becomes a reality
is not what it seemed
and the reality is not
really in keeping
with today
and how I would like be, feel, live

Also sometimes
its necessary to be willing to let go
of what you really want
in order to find out whether
its meant to remain
what I really wanted then
I needed to know if its what I want now
and do I?
Do I really want it?

That thing
If you love someone/thing
you have to let it go
and if its meant to come back
it will

I agree
money, possessions, job, title
will not sustain happiness
long term

More prayer required
Because I have no idea
about much
All I know is that
I do not want another year like this
I was happy last year
I think

The promises are true
we can have anything we want
if we work for it
and I know this to be true
I am also knowing that
sometimes God given natural skills
combined with nurture
can mean not everything is
the right thing for us to do long term
some avenues are more dangerous long term
than others depending on whose walking down them
and what time in your life you are walking them
Sometimes getting what I want
is not necessarily what I need now
perhaps its time to let go absolutely
God will tell me when its time for me to know
in the meantime
keeping on
anylengths
which at the moment
includes a great deal of letting go

the first few verses
is like my heart singing to my "self"
letting it know
that it accepts myself will always be there
and is part of me
however my heart must be the motivator
it must be the one that drives
because it is the channel to God
and where God sits in me
and no matter what myself says
my heart cant take this
and myself is coming to believe its true
and self also doesnt want heart to suffer like this
in its current form
its not working
my heart has to be true to itSELF
It is in too deep
what you have given me is in there
deep in there
To thine own self be true

If I dont Let Go of myself (all of me)
I will not grow



And I know now that if one door
is closing no matter how slowly
there will be another one opening
which I havent spotted yet

see ya

Intolerence - my opinion

I am becoming very intolerent
towards alcohol
Thankfully, yes thankfully
the resentment is towards alcohol
and not the people who drink it
mostly!

I am REALLY seeing
exactly how destructive
this thing is
how it touches and affects
not only the drinker and the family
also the neighbours

My father has a neighbour
who arrived home at 1am
banging doors
shouting with his mates
the strangest noises
on the phone out in the garden
loud music
which carried on through until
9am
this is not just alcohol
the police have no control
its a council issue
there is an after 11pm by-law
he knows the police cant do anything
they went round at 1am and asked him to turn it down
their description of him was
a zombie, talking to someone who was not all there
no point in even attempting
he just knows the police have no control
when they talk to him sober
he apologises and understands
he is rational!
and then forgets
seems his hearing and all sense
of social skills
disappears
My dad and his fiance
are becoming ill with this
its starting to eat them up
I can see it
can they move house?
not sure if they will get a buyer
as his behaviour is very unpredictable

As a nation
If we effected a complete abstainence policy
for alcohol
other issues would become apparant
we would realise that as a nation
we have many other problems aside from alcohol
no longer would we be able to have news issues
where would our problem then centre?
in our mind?
in our attitudes?
the heart of the nation?
is the head of our nation really a reliable source?
as a nation we need to take action
more action!

Once again
I want to 12 step the UK
not singlehandedly of course
and once again
I see when we have been through the 12 steps
and practice 10, 11, 12 in all our affairs
these principles filter out into the nation
our 12th step is so important

Our name is Britain and we are alcoholic
we havent yet admitted we are powerless
and our life has become unmanageable
we have tried everything
and we still cant sort this issue
infact its getting worse
we are in the grip of a killer illness

Are we willing to go to any lengths?
Do we try anything, do we really? really?
Do we really accept our shortcomings
and humbly ask a power greater to help?
Do we sing off the same hymn sheet?
Do we really want to solve anything?
or have we become so completely sick
that the unacceptable has now become acceptable
untreated alcoholism?
are we spiritially sick?
as a nation are we a victim
I have an opinion
but its NOT a dig
at any political party
or person
its just an opinion
and observation today

Whats it like in other countries?
the problem is still there
the effects, health, crime are just two examples
but do they have more of a success rate?
do the police and authorities join forces?
I have no idea

All I see is what I see hear
when they said
Keep coming back
more will be revealed
I had no idea what they meant!

I am finding a voice
RaRaRaaaaaaaaaaar :)
Resentments - can lead to solutions
if a process is followed through
not necessarily now!

Patience Johno
Keep coming back
keep talking
honour your truth
dont be scared
be considerate
this is Any Lengths

Recovery Archive found The Last Thing
have you had a look?

Heres another
Recovery is Sexy

And I may start reading this
Buddhism for Dummies!

I am not as miserable as I may sound!?

awareness really is a huge key
its true

today is better
the truth sets me free
admitting loneliness is freedom

I dont feel half as lonely
as I did a few days ago

Review at work
Highly effective again...
Also told
no need to fear a review
any development areas
would have been highlighted
or become apparant well before the review
so a review if we are being managed well
would hold no suprises
hence... there were no suprises

I am supersonic
at work

My head tells me so many lies
relax
relax

trust the process
put in the footwork
let go of the outcome
do my best on a daily basis

not slothful
not victim like
honest best
is enough

I am happy today

The truth is often
funnier than fiction
I make people laugh
just by telling the truth

personal objectives carried in my review
Get in at least once a week for 9am
How many times in the last 7 weeks
have I got in for 9am?
twice!
its true
yeh its not a business objective
its a personal one
so I have nothing to fear
except... my own big stick

Great hilarity in the office
Twice... It is progress
They dont realise just how much
progress that is
I find it all amusing
and also accepting this is
reality for me
Not taking myself seriously
in this are is ESSENTIAL
and I need to stop trying
....
I can laugh about it too!!

I can convince myself I have no friends - HALT Lonely - its a lie

And then I get proved wrong...
The thing about no internet at home
is that I can be glued to a screen
all day at work
and then all evening at home
studying
and then in the spare moments
on email and blogg
how dull!!

johno's become a very dull girl

Techno breakthrough
I have now got a memory stick
and learned how to use it!
To transfer my work from home to work...
and back again... to email from work if necessary
freedom or what!
Small victories... get there in the end

I have now started calling people up in the evenings
rather than email or text
and arranging to go out..

all going in the right direction

have the underlying ansgt
I havent done enough
and resentments around
mix ups at uni
but whatever
I will learn from whatever the outcomes are

Quarterly review at work tomorrow
naturally preparing for the worst
and trying not to sabotage
to prove myself right
and deserving of rubbish review

whatever
Its sunny outside

I'm off!

Its all a lie
my head its all a lie

enjoying not having the internet at home
means I get more organised in the day

As for munchtime and early meetings
Its hard to justify a lunch meeting
when I havent got in on time
yet they are minutes away fom me!

still waking up in the mornings
and working hard
to get out of bed
and face the
False Evidence that Appears Real FEAR
that ties me to the bed each morning
and creates further fear
and wipes any good thats in my life
for quite a number of minutes/hours
which is rubbish
as I end up getting in at the same time most days
even with the invisible fight that goes on
and they dont even bat an eyelid
when I get in
its all in my head
the fight
the fear
the feelings
except its physical
and very tiring
and frustrating
and appears like laziness
and procrastination
and chronic self centredness
and selfishness
perhaps it is!

Now thats Insanity & Madness!
but its my truth
its how I am

The disease that centres in the mind
and I am the victim
Though I have no idea
what the future holds

Theres always a choice
still choosing the victim
still holding on to the corner of the towel?
yes
why?
I have no idea!

Another love interest this week
I am told its healthy to explore options
go and explore, ask him out for coffee
I feel flakey
a crush here and a crush there
yeh even married and met the parents in my head last night
it went well by the way
really good wedding and the parents are lovely
he's nice too
but then theres all the stuff inbetween
isnt there

well thats all you got the jist of it
i'm REALLY off this time

enjoy the evening sun
or whatever you have when you read this

Doubts - Self will - no Its Gods Will - More gratitude - Remember where you came from! And what a miracle today truly is!

this ones about me!
and about me!
and more about me!


I tend to be grateful everyday
for my life today is so much different
even in the darkness and sadness and fear
I have felt recently
I am still grateful and know
its how its meant to be
yeh there is always something I could have done
but I didnt and couldnt so havent
so it was how it was
yesterday is passed

Study is hard
its harder when the teachers cock up
and do not work together
I get resentments
and my rebellion kicks in
and I sulk and well f@ck it then appears
and then I fight it and read regardless
even when i think its not going in
turning up and trying
even when i'm getting really bad marks!
just like the majority!

tonight they say yeh its all going to be taken care of
I still doubt! and think whats the point...

I cant do what they ask of me
for when they ask of it
yet I dont know why not
and I am not asking a question
just saying how it is
Never seems to be enough hours
and then I think what the hell do I do with all my hours
What? Think

Someone said I had a David Platt look tonight!
Which is rather apt considering what
we are studying at the moment...
and yeh if looks could kill
i am walking round with rather a serious face on
and then the lecturer made us laugh...
someone asked if I should be put on suicide watch?
see... right now I feel ok, just taking it seriously
a few weeks ago, I put myself on suicide watch!
infact I was watching myself
noticing the madness etc
its just how it is at times

Anyway
I took the train home
Standing on Blackfriars platform
which is a bridge over The River Thames
and did a 360 degree turn
Its a clear night
half moon
"Fresh" London air
Moonlight in the water
and the blues and pinks and white and yellow
of Londons lights along the Thames
360 degrees
St Pauls Cathedral
The Gherkin Swiss re Tower
Tower of london
Tower Bridge
Tate Modern
OXO Tower
London Eye
Trees all lit up along the South Bank
Waterloo Bridge
Somerset House
And there I was stood on this platform
in the middle of all this
realising that I am living a dream
20ish years ago
I could only dream of living here
working here
and now studying here
all at the same time
and passing for normal
in all areas
most of the time
normal = humanlike imperfect
mostly acceptable and appropriate
whatever the circumstances
socially skilled sufficiently
loveable without hostage taking
with a sense of humour
and a cheek that would put a monkey to shame at times
and a strong sense of direction
even in the darkness
the door is always there somewhere
even though I get called
nuts or whatever sometimes
I get called upon by the same people
for reassurance at times
I dont care anymore
I am blessed to stand on that bridge
be on my way home
from a productive day at work
and an attempt at a subject
thats frickin mindblowing!
and be regarded by my peers
as a winner!?
arrogance - I have to high standards
and I beat myself into a shameful
condition with it.
Its not Good Johno

Its all good really isnt it
We are doing alright!

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I am found
Was blind but now I see

just sometimes I
need to remind myself
to stop being an ungrateful git
somepeople like I used to
really would
kill for the days I LIVE today

Feeling slothful
and self willed
I need to be careful
sulking is not good
neither is trying to hard

Spending alot of time
feeling like a fights going on
in my head
all this new stuff
its all like clashing around in there
in my head

Whatever... rambling late night thoughts
just getting it out

Blindly goinging where no man
has gone before... haha
Good night

Todays lighter - even laughed!

I really try to lighten up!
yesterday was a complete struggle
restraint of tongue gave in at about 4.30
and me and boss both through overdoing it
and neither of us sleeping
barked at each other...
she stated the bleeding obvious!
and I just wanted to punch her...

This morning I apologised for barking
I could see she was just trying to help
me I havent accepted still that I am human
and no-one else I or she or anyone else I know
does what I do... thats because we are not clones
I am unique haha

We spent the day friends
and hugged at the end arrr... seriously this is how it is
I am blessed really
Like she says its swings and roundabouts
except I am not usually the one
barking, crying and needing some slack for long periods!

She's still well impressed with me
even if I am not
see my standards are far too high
hers are fine as they are

I have heard far to often in the last 3 months
do you think your being to hard on yourself?
Take it easy
You have a lot on
you have a LOT on
I couldnt do all what you do
I dont know how you do it all
Go home and have an early night

Now I see its not all possible
long term
and I actually dont want to be like that
i'm changing and being changed

I have been trying to hard
and trying too hard to slow down
and now I have stopped
my diary wiped off my phone a week ago
and I lost my outlook
thats 3 years emails and calender and contacts
EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE
and I just smiled and accepted
either that or i'm in shock and dont know it
you could call it operator error
I prefer to call it
A VERY BIG sign from God and his Special agents

That if you arent gonna listen AND QUIT everything
and trust me
I am gonna do it for you
God does for me what I wont do for myself!

A couple of offers to retrieve the outlook
But I feel its just another thing I have become attached too
Like the phone diary
Its made me now, or is that enabled me now to
Live in the day
each day
TODAY

I even wrote, thats hand wrote
a couple of letters in cards to people
stuck stamps on and posted them
now thats far cooler than email!

If I forget birthdays and other stuff
well so be it
I have to let go absolutely
I have cancelled everything I can remember until June 14th
Thats everything

Except
Work
Uni
1 service commitment (every 8 weeks)
Home group
12 step calls (which are God sent)

I will sleep when I am tired
and work when I am awake
I never thought of taking a nap after work
and getting up again and studying
before bed
until today

Nutrition
two Special agents in the workplace in a week have said
"you eat more sweet stuff since you started the veggie thing"
and "course your going to be off, you changed your diet"
letting go of the meat or should I say KFC's was needed
With the fish it was a choice and I have learned alot since January 1st
3 months off meat and fish
I had some fish last night and today
doesnt feel a failure
it feels like the right thing to do
my diet was not that bad
I have felt hungry lots and lots recently
and ate more sugary stuff compensating

I am less hungry today
less time spent trying to work out what to
eat and get a balance
its tiring, energy I need elsewhere at the moment
Eating sustainable farmed fish
which is in keeping with how I feel about
the way its killed
until I am able to maintain a healthy
vegetarian lifestyle I will continue with fish

KFC's chicken and meat... are off limits
I have no desire and after 3-4 months off
I am now aware of what drives the need to KFC
its lack of regular meals and being hungry H.A.L.T
and sloth!

Listening - Doing the next right thing
see i'm listening and taking steps
letting go and then bringing back in whats Good
and then letting go again

made calls about teachers..
will call til I get through
continuing to listen for the moment
no more commitments until after june 14th
yes exams/assessments yes two this week!
yes looney tunes, premental, examental
yes yes YES!!!!!!
flippin' old timers! ;)
God bless fellow students!

oceans and waves
waves are part of the ocean
they come and go from the ocean and back to the ocean
leaving on the beach whats not required
at the right time
I read that in this book I think?!

awareness is cool
letting go - feeling lighter
had my eyelashes tinted on the way home
eyes feeling alive again
laughing muscles working well today

I love you guys
x

ps. that diary note to keep an eye on my pmt...
it disappeared 2 a couple of week ends ago didnt it!
powerless DOH!

1. Where are you? Have you really gone forever? and 2. Step 11 and 3. HALT

why did you go?
where have you gone?
why did you go then?
why did you go in that way?
why arent you here now?
who decides how?
why was it so ugly?
why wasnt it different?
Why was it so quick?
Why did we have so little time?

lack of Power
lack of control
lack of understanding
lack of acceptance

Today I am ANGRY
Today I cried loads
ate, slepped, tidied, did some washing

Why aren't you here?
Why wasn't I there?
Why wasnt it different?
Why is it so final?
Why was it so early?
Why we didnt chance to get started?
Why?

Cancer
There is no criteria
for who gets it and who doesnt
healthy unhealthy
fit unfit
smoker non smoker
drinker non drinker
carnivore vegetarian
fat thin
tall short
old young
and all those inbetween

All sections of this country and many of its occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds.P17

I hate cancer
I hate victim mentality
I hate there is no reliable cure
I hate the current treatments
Where did it come from?

Whats going on God?
Why give us AA for us alkies

What have you given for us for cancer?
How much money is thrown at this thing?
How much research?
How much time and energy?
What is it that we are missing?
Have we overlooked something?


I have reached a step 11 point
and I dont know what to do God
I hear things which make sense
I hear I have to improve my conscious contact
I am not sure what I am hearing is really you?

I dont know who you really are
and get to know you
find out who you are
what you are like
I didnt think I needed to
I thought you would disclose what you wanted
when you wanted
I just had to keep connecting and being honest
listen and do what you suggest
until now

What I do know is you are good
and want the best for me
and wont make me do anything I dont want to
I am afraid
of being given the wrong information
of having expectations based upon
someone elses perceptions
not on how it really is
I am afraid
Of being disappointed in you
losing this gaze I have
this awe and Love
I am afraid
Isnt what we have enough?
is there more?
is it you I am hearing?
is it true?
I am afraid
God I trust you aswell
i stopped listening to this a few years ago
Are you telling me I am wrong?
Are you telling me
I still havent found what I was looking for?
because I thought I had!





Is it getting better? no just different
Or do i feel the same? no
Will it make it easier on me,if I got someone to blame? no

Am I coming to you for forgiveness?
Will I come to try to raise the dead?
Do I come to you jesus to sort the guilt in my head
Am I asking to much?

This is where is it
PROVES to me that we have to want to get sober
and STAY sober for ourselves
not to have a relationship
more money
a better house
girlfirend
boyfriedn
or for the cat or dog
or to get and improve my relationship with my mother
I need to remind myself of this

He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.p98

It wasnt my motive for getting/staying sober
infact it didnt cross my mind
until she got sick
then I started to see
what could be

but somethimes like today
I ask myself yet again
why? did I get to a point when
I was just starting to live
have the money to make the flights
financially stable
happier
laughing with my mum
made amends
started to have a relationship
albeit overseas
all the rubbish
and stuff she saw and experienced
why I was drinking
with my drunkeness
and fights
and vomitting
and long periods of silence
Why did she leave
when it started to get good?
She isnt seeing all this!
Bollocks to it all then!
Not bollocks i may as well drink then
Just bollocks to any self improvement

See the defects of character
self seeking - approval seeking
selfish - I want her here to love and praise me
self pity - poor me

Today and and for a little while
I will let myself feel this, let myself be
and what ever else is to come
To thine own self be true

Yeh I have these thoughts
these defects are in me

Today I can feel and see all this stuff
and know it is exactly the way its meant to be
and I havent allowed my defects to drive me
How do I know?

Today I am studying
today I am willing to self improve
today I am thinking about step 11
today I am praying about a potential sponsee
Today I have done things useful
Today I am taking care
today I am grateful a friend of mine with cancer
is tucked up in bed sleeping

and that is where I am going to go now
pray and sleep and cry

Happy Birthday Mum 1944 - 2006

Todays been an odd one
I have tried to keep it real
and yet not overanalyse!

How do I feel?
Mentally alert
Emotionally Floundering
Physically weak and cough cold
Spiritually strong

I received texts from family
I felt their love for my mum
through their texts about
flowers they had bought
that they were visiting where she is scattered
and that they are thinking about her

I went to buy flowers, but felt fake
I thought about going to a church, and wondered why?
I wondered what I was supposed to do today?
I have absolutely no idea
So I did nothing
cried, let what ever came came
which wasnt much as you see
I did be in touch with others
and let them be themselves
my brother misses her terribly

What do I feel
I really dont know
I cant create a feeling
have I
feelings of hate ? no
feelings of dislike? no
feelings of let down ? no
feelings of abandonment ? no
feelings of anything negative towards her? no

ok then
who am I to say what I am feeling is not love?
who am I to say what degrees and what guise Love comes in?
who am I to say what I feel is not Love

Mum I love you
but I dont miss you
for the right reasons
so I try and fight the Love
try and justify the no Love
No missing her for unselfish reasons, therefore no love allowed
I can see I have been making my own rules up here
another old idea...
needs work:)

GRIEF
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE IT
DONT TRY AND UNDERSTAND IT
DONT RUN OR TRY AND HIDE FROM IT
IT IS A POWERFUL THING
its not negative but sometimes it feels like it
to me its a part of the healing process
healing from a loss
in this instance a loss of a mother
grief process I experienced after a change in behaviour
for instance too, same principle, different thing

I am sure theres more
But I know only a little
more exploration required
in Gods time

Dear Mum
When I think of you today
I think of pink roses like in the picture
your favourite
With a wonderful fragrance
That only a rose can give
Pure, fresh, fragrant, like no other
I love pink roses nowadays, this pink
like this one, because you do
Happy Birthday
I hope you had good one
and please stop by "our kids" house
and give him a kiss while he's sleeping
he misses his mummy
and then come by mine and give me
some mummy love too
thanks
see ya
xx

I dont know whats happening, but i know it will all be ok

I am trying to control
myself
my studies
my eating
my sleeping
my physical health
my everything really

the result
I cant get a grip
and I am physically sick
and have been for a few days

SO I have no control!

Why?
Much as I like to think that
if I do all the right things
I know its impossible
to do everything
I have and do try
I have too much to do
and I am slowly letting go
and trying to get back to basics
real basics

I feel like I am chasing my tail
but not acheiving anything
and i am afraid

Yes I have been here
over and over and over

and just because
I think that
because I know what the problem is...
it will be solved and go away immediately
but no
it takes time
to realise
accept
make the changes
and let the changed happen

I am processing stuff around
friendship at the moment
I am not sure what I am feeling
but its not scarin me
in fact its inspiring me
cos I have never felt like this before

I dont want to hang on
or put guns against heads
or guilt trips
or any of that old stuff
and i dont beleive the world is coming to an end

This all is just unfamiliar territory
this friendship stuff
and I like it
even though I dont understand it
I have changed and so have my friends
we have changed and are changing for the better

Acceptance is the answer....

I really want to feel sorry for myself
at the moment
but I can't, its laughable
Feel sorry for what?

because my friends are doing amazing things?
... did you see an i'm not?
well you see I am doing amazing things tooo
so I cant use that excuse!

because I havent found jesus?
... well I have a very Big God... the father of... ahem.
so not a good enough excuse either!

Because...

I have no excuse for self pity
sadness and joy
are my lessons this week
they come together
they are not signs of weakness

Now I have to be willing to let go of my blogging again
I cant do everything
and much as I think its important
my ego is creeping in
and my motives have changed slightly
also
I need to read and study
and take part in real life again abit more
not that this is
But I have a few responsibilities to take care of
which I need to address
ie I am powerless over my blogging
and a couple of areas of my life
have become unmanageable...
or I havent managed to do some things
and wont whilst I do this

i'm off to let go absolutely
and pray for Willingness and Action

Freedom comings from aiming for living in the truth, the solution... as soon as I notice or am willing to see the dishonesty

What happened today?
As the direct result
of ADMITTING my dishonesty
- and how narrow an UNMANAGABLE my life had suddenly become
COMING TO BELIEVE there is another way, better, easier, softer
MAKING A DECISION to live in the truth (as I understand it)
TAKING MY OWN INVENTORY
ADMITTING my wrong motive with my boss God and myself
became ENTIRELY READY to live in the truth/faith not in FEAR
I asked my manager to be aware of my fear of whats appears to be simple face to face with colleagues and management tasks are terrifying to me, and how I would like to get over myself and the only way is for her to keep pushing me when the situations arise... please
in otherwords HUMBLY being willing to let go and let God
show my vulnerable self to another HUMAN,
trusting GOD it will be ok and it is
No-one had been harmed, my own pride and ego thats all!
No amends required
I am willing to CONTINUE to take my own invetory, again if I hadnt
I would not have the chance to IMPROVE grow, reduce my SHORTFALLS
I must remain willing to work towards the truth, God, the Best
Again here is an attempt to show how my life has improved
as a direct result of using the tools
PRACTICING THESE PRINCIPLES

Honesty, willingness and openmindedness, humility

Today, its about personal relations
I spoke with more colleagues, new starters
asked people things I was really scared about yesterday
and the day before, someone new asked me if I was a manager!?
My manager has suddenly become MORE impressed with me
in a different way
she is seeing me in a different light, because ? I HAVE LET HER IN
I have taken action, spoke to people rather than wishing I had/could
suddenly I have stopped letting fear be in control
living in the truth is much warmer friendly

God please continue to grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference

I am lovin it Again

it accepting what I wasnt doing
getting honest
doing it

I have grown in a few days
not sure why I assume
hard times = pmt
I am seeing how fear is
as much of a liability!

Back at uni this week
I am well excited!
Hard work ahead
but day at a time
follow the suggestions
eat and attemp to sleep

I have faith

Resentment #1 Fear held me back now I see it

Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. P62

A desire
attention seeking
self seeking
seeking approval
selfish
starting to resent people, becoming a victim
allowing myself to be manipulated and resenting it

They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves.p73 (see this applies to step10's aswell as step 4, get to the root! dont hold back)

I got to the root this evening
Self centred Fear and pride
yes I knew that last night
but I didnt really know where this had come from?
well guess what I did (see I am a text book case p73 above)
I remember thinking
I am not applying for a management position
because I am afraid of failure and what people think of me
and its a new experience
working with people below and above me on the "food" chain
What I did was, said I wasnt applying
because it conflicts with my studies
and to take on anything new at the moment is not practical
hmmmm sounds like a sensible decision doesnt it?
I agree

BUT see motives are everything
I remember thinking, I am afraid
I remember having a conversation about why I was
not applying and feeling, what I am saying
"this is not quite right, it is not quite the truth"
while i was saying it

More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it. p73

see how I can cover a bad motive with a good motive
for all the world to see I put my studies first
the truth is I am afraid of failure
working with people with myself being in the management position
is completely out of my comfort zone
and something that always seemed so far away from
where i could ever be!

who says? me
wrong! yet another frickin old idea
thats just reached the surface and is
currently being popped!

I got honest with myself and my manager
about myself and my fear
and felt my ego puncture
both aspects
the one which goes johno you are really good nowadays way hay!
and the one which says johno you are not as good as you think you are so dont think of progressing its not worth it stay as you are, no one will notice how useless you really are!

Anyway glad to have scraped a layer off last night
and today, I feel better

one of the pigs I often wrestle with is fear

It hurt
But it really needed doing

Will this go down as a regret? a missed opportunity
because I would not get over myself?
Yeh for abit
I have to have faith
and let go of my spiritual pride
which tells me I SHOULD KNOW BETTER BY NOW
than to be afraid and always embrace
getting out of my comfort zone
immediately and never be afraid again
just because I know fear holds me back
progress not perfection dude

To thine own self be true
I am enough

THIS IS WHY FOR ME WRITTEN INVENTORY IS SO IMPORTANT
I DID NOT WRITE ANY OF THIS TRUTH DOWN AT THE TIME
I DIDNT GET TO THE TRUTH THE ROOT AT THE TIME
THEREFORE IT STAYED IN MY HEAD
GOD KNEW OBVIOUSLY
BUT I HAD NOT ADMITTED IT TO HIM OUTWARDLY
ON PAPER NOR HAD I PRAYED FOR ANY DEFECTS TO BE REMOVED
THERFORE I WAS TRYING TO RUN THE SHOW - SELF WILL

Thanks God, the willingness came

I have changed my mind on eating chicken - how has it spent its life?

Its no longer health reasons
Its in support for the love of chickens
and I do not support cruelty
Its a I care for the chicken decision

Its not about suggesting you dont eat anymore chicken either
its about having a think
about the chicken you eat and its welfare
eating a chicken raised cruely
or eating a chicken thats been raised with its welfare in mind

I have been all of these
organic only
free range
KFC
Chicken cottage

We even considered owning our own
chickens in the small freeholding
we nearly bought in our organic age
to grow our own produce and rear
owr own chicken and eggs
and have a better way of living
for ourselves
It sounds perfect to me even writing it now
How did I veer so far off the path?
I seem so far away from all of that at the moment

This year
I haven't eaten any
not because of
Hugh and Jamie
but I have been watching a few
of their programmes
about the way Britain
farms and eats chickens and eggs
and to be honest
I am appalled!
And completely F'CKED off
that the basic intensively farmed
is allowed to happen
I didnt know
95% of UK chicken sold are
battery grown
Any I have been supporting this!
What the hell happened to me
I fell asleep!

I strongly urge
anyone who buys a chicken
NOT to buy the cheapest
but to think about
how its spent its welfare during its life
I support Jamie and the RSPCA
if WE eat chicken
£1 extra is all it costs apparantly
to grow up a chicken more humanly
in a manner supported by the RSPCA
Check out the Freedom Foods labels

Standard intensive factory farming
Birth to slaughter in 36-39days
with amonia burns on its legs
through walking around in its own waste all its life
and staggering around cos its body has grown
too big for its legs to support it
because its been fast grown
and not being able to have light
because light could confuse it and its fellows
enough to turn some of them to cannabalism!
I've had enough
and for the £2.50 bird sold 2 for 1 in the shop
the farmer makes £0.03p
outrageous or what!

Find out what Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall
and Jamie Oliver are saying about chicken welfare.

Yoga and acting dishonestly gets more difficult

I didn't race out of bed this morning
But I did get to yoga on time again
I really like this Sunday morning time
the room is VERY bright
and the teacher has a different style
to my other teacher
many positions are similar
but she comes at it from a different angle
and I like that
I'm starting to get what I wanted
seeing how to use yoga in daily life
breathing in, stillness and letting go
awareness of self, honesty, listening
I love yoga!

Dishonesty becomes more difficult
Because I choose to try and live honestly

I usually buy a monthly travelcard
which gets me practically everywhere
I need to go around town
as often as i like
which ever mode of transport
any station (within the right zones)
without me having to think

A kind of sloth occurs
regarding just spending out £x each month
afforable, and just paying it out
no question
Dont get me wrong, I dont begrudge it
I just become aware of the amount
when I can to renew and
wondered how much a pay as you go
type would cost ME for the month
with all the journeys
and whether I would find that I am spending
extra money without realising it?
a cross check on value for money I suppose

I find that certain modes namely
overland trains I cant use the pay as you go
therefore I am limited in my commute to the
hot tub(e) each day or a bus ride
and I pay again for train rides

WHERES THE DISHONESTY FIT IN?
Many trains do not have ticket barriers
or ticket checkers on the trains
at the weekends..... see whats coming?

Today, I arrange to meet up with someone
which involves leaving my station (no ticket checks)
and getting of at another (again no ticket checks)
On the way back from yoga
I check trains running
AND notice the ticket machine is broken! Hear me cheer!
So i can get away with it??? a reasonable excuse
I return later to catch the train
Enter the station.... the ticket office is open
see I NOTICED IT....
Now how hard is it to Get down onto the platform
knowing
a) I have the money
b) I have the time before the trains coming
c) I made a deal NOT to live like that where possible!
I made to go down the stairs
and by the time I got to c)
I had turned around and bought a return ticket...

Its too hard and exhausting living in a lie
Now I have crossed a line
I cant go back
no matter how much I try
There is a mental defense
that kicks in
Gods will v my will (first thought, schemes and plans)
See I listen
these little challenges check out my integrity
To act dishonestly in this instance
would have instigated fear, pride, self pity
regret in me, and possibly a penalty fine!

I feel happy about
Steps 4,5,6,7 without them
ie before
I would have just gone and got away with it
and moved on once the journey was over
without real sense of being grounded in
why I acted that way
OR i may buy a ticket, may not
depends how SELF righteous I was feeling
Like yesterday
I used a bus its rare that your tickets
are checked, so I didnt....
And now its on my conscience
I almost feel like getting on a bus an paying
and getting off again to justify my action
see I am still living yesterdays dishonesty

God gave me an opportunity to change today
What (step10) Corrective measures?.... pay up
Its my peace of mind
that suffers... all for £0.90 saving yesterday!

see ya

ps. in my own attempt to act with Integrity
Heres another post from my Food blog

To thine own self be true

Mental, Physical, Spiritual I need unity at the moment...

I got honest
Prayed for willingness
Prayed for sloth to be removed
Prayed for all my difficulties to be removed
so that victory over them MAY bear witness
to those I may help, of thy power

and guess what I did some studying
not enough yet
but abit

driven by God
and willing to put in the action
mentally I am more up for it

My physical body's decided it doesnt want to
I have toothache, rather face-ache!
(yeh all face ache jokes allowed, bring em on!)

Physical pain is tiring
Why is it when I need to make a change
something big
and mentally, spiritually I prepare
more often or not, my physical says no!

Good luck Irish Friend with
the next step of your studies
put in the footwork, let go of the outcome
Go for Gold
Let Go Let God

Anylengths for me
is not staying in a job
I am proven to be brilliant at
even though you wouldnt know it
too see how "little" we appear to do each day!
we really do work hard
its just become effortless
like a well oiled machine
even my colleague
now talks about children instead of out partying
so maybe... its all naturally coming to an end
two hearts perhaps no longer in it

before I leave I am willing to train
or find someone to take over
to be equally as brilliant
and passionate about the position
as I have been to date
pass on everything I have learned
over the past years

To stay and continue
is preventing someone else
moving up a level ... growing
and for me to sit
in my brushed cotton pyjamas
lanquishing in easiness
will not sustain me long term
it will not hold my gaze
I will end up in resentment
blaming others
for the results of my own self will

I can no longer do this
I have the opportunity to apply this week
assistant manager... its NOT what I want to do
yeh the ego gets massaged! BUT heart will not be there
so I said no, for the time being
it conflicts with my studies
it conflicts with what appears to be Gods will at the moment
To take the opportunity
would give my mind another thing NEW to train up on

I either want to go to anylengths with studying
or I want half measures with something else!?
half measures appears dishonest today
and half measures always avail me nothing!

Growing up pains I am suffering from
manifesting ...in my mouth as toothache and faceache!!!
Gotta go and swish some more salty water around
my gummmmmmmms and swill
attractive huh! LOL

I HAVE to do MORE writing with a pen!!!
I cant just turn up to an exam next thursday
and write for 2 hours in those conditions
I havent written with a pen for
that long since 1997?
OH MY GOD
need to get my right hand ready

see ya

I cant feel sorry for myself - Misery is impossible!!!!!!!

I have been trying really hard to
well not that hard really
just trying or expecting it cos I believe its what I should feel
but I cant ... I cant sit in self pity
I am grateful cos I am not really
anything when am full of it!
and it takes ages to climb out

I have reached a level of acceptance
and am accepting thats exactly how its meant to be

The devastation, sulking
has NOT reared up
and I even laughed at it all today
without having to talk it out
with a few
just you
and one other
and God

yes I am want it all MY WAY
I know its not possible
and its not aftecting every area of my life

Still ate, worked, laughed, did the right things
Home group was coool tnite
Good to be back

trying to live in the solution is the easier softer way
battling with what I cant have is not

I prayed more than twice for the pair of them
to have everything I could possibly wish for myself
and more than twice for each of them just incase...
they are sick like me!
whatever, I feel better for it :)

thanks for ALL your comments guys and gals
I appreciate all your xperience
its what I need to hear

day 1 of 14
continue to pray for those I am resentful at

have a good weekend

Existing v Living [2003]

what it was like
turning up for work
shuffling paper and getting away with very little
doing about an hours work
and then going and getting drunk
everyday for a long while

at weekends
lying under the duvet
thinking
imaginging
intentions
the hours would wile away
then get up, eat very little
drag some clothes on off the floor
put the TV on
and think about when would be a good time
to open that bottle of wine
I know a good accompaniment to a packet of crisps

So ends saturday and sunday would be similar
except I may get to the laundrette
and do a load of washing
I may not

personal hygene?
bed getting changed
interaction with family
eating?
teeth cleaned when?
bath?
gym?
reading... anything
listening to radio?
earning an honest pay?
friends?

Monday
envy for people who had gone shopping
mowed their lawns
been out
been to the gym
cleaned up... How did they do that?

what had I done?
very little
yet they envied me cos I had done not much
yeh, I was soo happy! with my
existance

I get to do more than I ever inamgined
and I know when the time is right
I will get to mow lawns
and smell the roses (literally)
and feed the cat again
and sleep in someones arms
at some point
just at the moment
I have to do whats in front of me
keep on keeping on
my week consists of
taking care of all of what I listed above with question marks
the BEST I CAN, never perfectly
for instance

heres an admission (laugh while you squirm!)
I refused to clean my teeth for 4 days this week
yeh its a measure I have no power over
it happens usually when I really need to let go of sonething
the teeth cleaning refusal of
is my bodies way of saying
you are doing far too much and if you dont
let go, the teeth go
so the teeth go
until I am ready to let go
and then the teeth cleaning starts again
Friday I cleaned them

I've changed my attitude and I like it

There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen-we sent them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don’t delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone. P83

As a teenager I completely turned my back on
the Christian faith and anyone
and judged ALL who came out
and Jesus lovers/Christians and God believers
as one and the same... all self righteous
judgemental hypocrites

Why? a christian... new christian
full of it, bathing in it, on fire
called me a sinner, not fit to breathe

From that day, I turned away completely
I wasn't turning towards before entirely
but I was indifferent, ignorant really blissfully
unwilling and frightened that I would
become like that, judgemental and hypocritical
unloving, arrogant

I didn't hear the message because I had shot the messenger
and shielded myself through avoidance
and self righteous, arrogance that I didnt need
or care for any of it, it made no sense
ALL Christ followers and God followers are the same
and really I had no place with them

Through willingness to open my mind
taking part in various activities
in what I see as Step 11
simply a way to improve my conscious contact
by doing The Alpha Course

I had my mind changed
I havent become a Christian
I have laid to rest prejudices I held
against Christians and God of Christians
I have made a heap of friends
just by being willing, openminded and honest
teacheable
I have also improved and strengthened
my own conscious contact with the God of my own understanding

Today I have come full circle
I cannot turn the clock back and
make friends with all the Christians I turned away
from in the past

what I can do different
and it seems what I have done different
and I am doing different
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.P84

AS THE RESULT OF THESES STEPS these few weeks
is not let the messenger alter the message
THE Message that I have come to understand
from experiencing, letting in face to face
is one of Love, tolerance, forgiveness
understanding, integrity, willingness
joy and peace, friendship
hand in hand with the same God
God is Love
If God is Jesus and Jesus is God
then am happy with that
they both Rock, I have no need to debate

I have also not let this messenger
taint my feelings towards
Christians who I know and love
or future frineds I dont know yet
like I did the last time
see this is progress

Nothing is ever wasted
I havent enjoyed the last few weeks
but then you never promised me prefection
I wondered what was going on
Wrestling with a pig, I havent enjoyed it
I didnt notice I was doing it
well I wouldnt would I? I had mud in my eyes
Self will run riot (my own)
now I have surrendered
I have learnt something!
I have changed
I have no wish to go backwards
I dont have to like everybody
I can choose today
Saying nothing not getting involved
is not a sign of weakness
I chose to take part
I chose to stop
I can also say no to abuse today

Everything teaches me
I learn from everything

Stay teacheable
Humility

Loving AA and all its gifts

I had an interesting
albeit emotional weekend
accepting and making the best of something
that I cannot change
I have had to fit myself to it
tears before in preparation
restraint of tongue and pen during
and loads of laughs
when I fit myself in and see
beauty of the forest! P50
But thats another post

Ok homework to do
and day off tomorrow! way hay!!

thanks for every comment
the last few weeks
you helped me become and see
the person I am today

Righteous is NOT the same as Self righteous

I had no idea what righteous and self righteous meant
until I did a step 5 with a Jesus loving Sponsor
I am so glad that I did

Gods will v self will
suggestions v orders
sharing v telling
sharing experience v arrogance

Taking someones inventory without being asked
taking someones inventory after being asked
not taking their inventory even when asked
giving advice without being asked v waiting to be asked
labelling someone v waiting for them to find themselves

staying silent v always having the last word
showing someone v dragging them through
patience and tolerence v impatient judgemental

I dont know whats best for you v do this

Righteous is
This is my experience
this is what I did
this may help you
I will help you
if you want
its not the only way
but it worked for me
stick around, see what you think
if you want to try it
we will help you
Love

Self righteous
you are this
do this
just do it
i know what you need
its this you need
I will fix you
I know whats best
forget them
this is the only way
anything else is crass
Just do it
stop looking elsewhere
you arent perfect
infact you are rubbish how you are
I know exactly what you need
just do it
Arrogance

Spending too much time
trying to please
people who are
trying to stroke their own ego's
by fixing me
up in their time
all good intentions
they are trying to run the show though
and I am letting them
because my ego is being stroked
by attention
victims not volunteers
I have become a victim
in my own blog
trapped to a point where I do not
want to blog because of
Micky comments
just one person out of many
has changed the whole
dynamic

No longer hand in hand with the spirit on the universe
its hiding under the parapet
waiting for whatever
hail of abuse and judgement I will
get next just for sharing anything
and nothing to do with AA or my stuff

I have too many good loving
people in my life to
open up and show myself to
without trying to please them
they love me and tell me the truth
in a non-judgemental way

So a day at a time
I choose not to stroke the ego's of
people around me
who are trying to fix me
in such an arrogant fashion
are you the person to do it Micky?
I don't think so
I have listened to your posts
and read your comments
although I think I like some of your comments
More often than not
I find your tone offensive
You are now insulting friends
who comment on my blog
who are simply being friendly
Micky really!! this is not Good
I do not think you are a light
to all people, certainly this person
Me, I find you dark and gloomy
unhelpful and quoting your
psychobabble, judgemental and
a complete turn off
I have tried to be a friend
but I simply have no chance really
at the moment
my tools are insufficient for the job

I love you but I really dont like you
or the you that you portray on my blog
But even that is I am sure just a very small part of you
as is for all of us

I accept you have a VERY low opinion of AA
the 12 steps and all recovery stands for
I do not accept that you know best
My experience is that you do not
in my case, I guess choose not to

I have friends who are followers of Jesus
who are much kinder and loving towards me
and AA and alcoholics and others
I prefer to get my Jesus teachings from them
I would prefer it Micky if you stayed away
or stop judging and insulting me and my friends
and behave like a friend, or at least try to
show willing please

God bless you Micky, I wish you well
I have no idea what tomorrow will
bring but todays history
tomorrows a mystery

I have learned alot this last few weeks
regarding people dominating me
or me letting them do it
Its easily done... focus on the negatives
I then neglect friends who
are friendly, for that I apologise
Feed the good wolf(s)

If I run off, create another blog
some things else will come up
these personalitys always
pop up somewhere else
different name and face
different time
I can run but I cant hide

So here I shall stand
and see what happens
Faith without works is dead
working with others
turning up for life
and seeing what happens

Have a good weekend friends
Johno

ps having said all that
I too have suffered from arrogance
and self righteousness this week
(and plenty of times previous
spending to much time thinking and
up little schemes and plans for the greater good!
it hasnt worked as you can see

Johno, your just an alky that doesnt drink
a woman and all round practicing good person
text book case really

Quit thinking, and trying to fix and people please
get on with what you have been neglecting
friends, family and study!

I stepped down into "hell" last night....

On the subject of fear...
I have been noticing how fear
really weaves an evil and corroding thread
through every area of my life
most of my prayers are around the removal of fear
and self will... some lust... self seeking and dishonesty
fancied

but the fear.. is NOT to do with alcohol
its personal relations
its about communicating with another human being

A works Christmas Party
need I say more!?

Well I will anyway
I haven't been out with my new colleagues
since I started, a year or so ago
so its time to go do it... would be rude not too!
I have no reason not to, no legitimate one anyway
avoidance is not a legitimate reason anymore p101-102

Was all ok really no pressure
no-one rugby tackled me to the floor and poured vodka down my neck
no-one said "go on just have one"
After being asked 8 times...
dont you drink?
no
have you ever drunk?
yeh I stopped a few years ago
why dont you drink?
I got fed up of the consequences
and regretting what happened the night before
and not being able to not do those things
when I went out drinking the next time
what like waking up in bed with people you dont know?
yeh something like that
yeh I know that one
how long have you stopped drinking?
just over 4 years
dont you miss it?
no not now
was it easy?
not the first year or so no
I had to completely change my thinking and attitudes
around going out, cos everything centred around drinking
mmm maybe I should stop
i dunno about that, I just knew I had had enough
how did you get the will power? I havent got it
neither have I, I had to get help from other people
who didnt drink
i have this problem with dope, i cant stop it....

at about 8pm yes only 8pm.... there was one very drunk person
very argumentative, and loveable at the same time

at 9pm... we went down stairs to "hell on earth"
Going down the ssairs gets a good idea of the layout
get down the stairs and i realise I have no idea
whats in front of me
just people...a moving mass of people
thats all I could see was people and ceiling
frickin'ell
was going to be VERY easy get lost from my party

I decided to let go have to get rid of coat and stuff
and trust was all gonna be ok
The "loveable drunk" stuck around
I sent him on a mission to find the crowd
while I queued
he came back, having NOT found them
so I sent him again... you will find them
trust me
he did, and he found them....
when I followed him to them
I have NO idea how he found them
there was yet another room full of people and ceiling
I hadn't seen a bar or the walls since I left the stairs

I hadnt got a drink so it was time to head off... with compass?
wheres the frickin bar?
its all along that wall... wall? all I could see in front of me was people
yeh walk straight ahead and you will get to the bar
...... i found the bar
turned round and ....just people again everywhere... no gaps
walk straight back again... through this mass of writhing humans
what the 'uck is this?
I have absolutely no idea what to do here
dancing was not what was going on
it was just a mass of people
I cant imagine how it would be if there was smoking!

It was "hell on earth for me"
they had described it as the place where
everyone goes AFTER theyve been out on the lash
they end up here til whatever time
so p'ssed up they dont realise how cr@p it is

I just couldnt imagine
doing this week in week out
after work
I wondered how come I hadnt experienced this before
its because I couldnt walk by the time
it got to the "on to a club" stage of the evening
Well thats a lie, I did once
got down the stairs to a club
ordered a drink.. knowing I couldnt drink anymore
without being sick, ordered the drink
wanted to be sick and went out
absolutely know idea where I was and just started walking
to this day, I still have no idea which club I was in
it was somewhere around Covent Garden
Too drunk too early to go to clubs

Some said when was I leaving?
I said after finished two bottles of water
some said yeh we'll come too
I left around 10.30
no-one followed...

I walked to the underground and decided to walk
over London Bridge
stopping to look at the lights of Tower Bridge
and the Big Ships along the Thames

I feel lucky to have this opportunity
Gratitude came over me
some people NEVER will experience London
or the lights and the sights
Its a beautiful city
Old stone buildings and history

I got to know a few of my colleagues
and they got to know me a little too

I am glad I went
See if I had listened to Fear
I wouldnt have moved forward
in these relationships
I would have stopped as I was
and regretted it

I actually had a good time
F'ckin 'ell