Why is it good for me to change and be changed ?

Self awareness? 
Knowing flaws and assets?
Working on current areas of life
..... where i fall short. 
Seeing and enjoying Where i fly.
Being honest.
Seeing self in... in my opinion
undignified, uncovered, unjustified,
undenied, stripped bare. 
Whats comfortable, what isnt?
What am i putting up with?
What am i slothfully loafing on...
....getting away with? 
What progress have i made?
What has become effortless? 

Why is that good for me to sit and answer these questions?
Walk into things which challenge
And scare me.... Not dangerously
Just things that create inside work on me... Work in progress

The truth sets me free...

Step 1 is about accepting powerless over my dependency....
And unmanageability ....

Ask for honesty around my condition... Whatever that condition/dependency/progress
 is today.

Ask to accept things 
i cannot change today
Enjoy the things 
i dont need to change
Ask for courage 
to change things i can 
Ask for wisdom to know 
the difference

Ask for power to carry out Loving Higher Powers will in area most needing to be addressed

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, 
and not tackle all my problems at once. 
I can do something for twelve hours that would 
appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Know i will not be given anything today i cannot handle
Know that i will be given exactly what i need today

Fear is simply a part of growing out of who i am into the person i am becoming... Part of a process

Letting go of People, places, things, actions, thoughts, behaviours, beliefs, opinions ... That hold us capture us 
Yet feel uncomfortable

Takes courage and effort

Ask for help from proven guide
Do whats suggested
Give time time
Dont quit before the miracle

Each small victory creates
A feeling of Wholeness :-)

It'll make my head spin
And
It'll makes my heart leap

Trust Loving God/Higher Power/programme/Spirit of the Universe that is good

Spiritual High's rock !!

Then repeat 

:-)

If i had a formula to create
A certain spiritual high when i wanted,
i am sure someone would sell it and
i would buy it over and over and
become greedy and dependent
Then would it be spiritual?
Or something else?
By nature spiritual high is spirit led,
good feeling, driven by love,
not created by humans
or in human timings yet
when we are willing to align ourselves
with the spirit of the universe,
let the spiritual surgery take place...
amazing things happen :-)

Well thats my experience anyway :-)

Feel better for getting that out
Tnx

Job or no job

It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. That often makes the difference between failure and success. The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.
Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.

As i read yesterdays post
I think of this
Pointing fingers at everything
Which isnt right...
Well it must be me then!!

Yeh stuff is uncomfortable
And its my job to change
The things i can

Just for today I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours
that would appall me if I felt that
I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Trust God
Trust the process

I have no idea

What direction i am going in
Its a bizarre place
Am i in the eye of the storm?
Am i deluding nyself?
Am i lost
Am i ok

Feels like a everythings
Shifting round
Like shuffling
Not spinning out of control
Just shifting round

I cant think of the words
Just a moving round
Bits being added
And bits dropping off
Not all easy
Yet it dont feel like
I am a victim

Just moving round
And still being prepared
For what?
I have no idea

But its all happening
Very slowly
Too slowly for my liking
Yet its happening
Spiritual Growth?!
Further growing up aches

Feeling like i spent
The last 5 years in God school
Learning how to have
Much needed
relationship with
A power greater than myself
And now its time to
Leave school and
Do some work

Anylengths
Let go absolutely
Trust the process
Gods time, not mine

Not cooked yet!! :-)

Apparantly everythings
As it should be :-)

96 hours after - Dont quit before the miracle

Feeling very raw
Opened up
Naked
Vulnerable
Yet
Knowing
The truth will set me free
And waiting for freedom

To ask for the truth
No games
No misunderstanding
No small part wondering
Relationships on face value
Keep my side of the street clean

To get there
I had to be heartbroken
Break through the protection
My heart had built
Ask the questions
Explore fully completely
Let go absolutely
Allow the answers through
To my core
reach my soul
Give it the space to live
Give it the answers it needs
Let it crumple & strengthen in its pain
Let it process
Let it find accptance
set it free

Falling in love all over the place?
Is that what i do?
No, just in some places
Good kind loving giving hearted
Likeminded souls
There's a part of me searching
Soul searching for its mate
Thesedays its looking in
The best places
Safe, loving, nurturing
Making friends along the way

:-)

72 Hours after - racing round the the hole in the sand

Am telling you
there are no coincidences
why people are put in our paths
I feel so blessed at times
completely humbled and ungrateful
because I overlook
how much I have been helped
and how much better it is
to be honest
not vague

the hole in the sand
I have been racing round
I realise I have been protecting
the part of me that was crushed
and disabled at an early age
to such an extent that it
never stood a chance
it had no choice
I just bin protecting
guarding
building a fortress round it
and hoping for a miracle
waiting for my love to find
the soul it can be free with

Spending time recently with
special needs people has given me
an insight into how amazing
joyeous and loved and accepted
yeh a challenge at times aswell
I am sure

Special needs are
there are parts of us
human race and us ourselves

Special needs require
time, patience, love
nurturing, space, support
strength, awareness
listening,
we need other feedback to guide us
above in italics are not my words
but it really hit home

I feel upset when I see someone
being treated less than
protected, unable to try
miss opportunities
be treated differently
so why to I inflict all this
on a part of me that is special needs?
perhaps because I had no idea
that I was until today

Happy joyeous & free?
hmm not for this special needs part of me
Freedom would be finding out
asking for the truth
if the chemistry set appears to be out
and then exploring what unfolded
dealing with it piece by piece
regardless of whether
I read it right or wrong
not sitting wondrin
if this part of me will ever
know how freedom feels

Today I saw face to face
that I shut down
I dont wont explore
intimacy or what appears to be
intimacy when its not clear
whether its real or fiction
and I wont find out
through fear of getting vulnerable
rejected, abandoned
I have no idea how to
yet I did today
exploring a situation
rather clumsily though honestly
with an extremely patient saint
who I feel I tried the patience of!
came to see what i do/did/am doing
will not ask for clarity
fear of rejection
ego puncture
abandonment
so I just carry on
not knowing the truth and wondrin
and this disabled part of me
kind of waves, gagged up
shrugs and goes back to sleep again
feeling lost and ignored
unworthy and unable

what happened to my faith in
Keep on the firing line of life with
these motives and God will keep you unharmed P102
well I just never applied it to this
because I didnt know was my problem was

Am tellin you
I am knackered
didnt do much work today
as mind elsewhere
in virtual counselling session
in and out of tears
clumsily picking through
honestly and carefully
feeling gratitude to my mate!
yet fearful now, I got so raw

yet on the way home
I stopped off and spoke with
a friend I needed to clarity
on some comments he had made
which I needed to know the truth about
as our friendship could change
depending on what he meant
I went and asked him
he told me
and I pray
this is how its done
he was glad I had asked
I was glad I could ask
I was glad I could open up
get raw, vulnerable
and get it wrong :-D
wrong as in not the outcome
my loneliness part of me wanted
yet right in the where we are now
because it could really
have complicated everything
then I would have had to learn
how to have a relationsip!!!!
awwwwww noooo not yet.... ;D

practice practice
get into the habit of asking
I dont want to live not knowing
I want honest relationships
not blurry edges
I want to accept people as they are
and be accepted
that doesnt mean I dont care attitude
that means most people I meet thesedays
and I include myself in this
are at various stages of
problems
recovery
change
maintenence
enjoyment
in all walks of life
so I guess it means
getting real and open to grow
letting other get real
and somehow fitting in together
i dunno

Gone through varous extremes this week
including I dont want live anymore...
which indicates I reached a turning point

I am grateful to my teacher, listener
helper, guide, friend, spirit, God
who each helped

whats tomorrow?
I dunno, I am afraid tho... !

And the next... 48 hours - Flowers never Bend in the Rainfall

Feels like a purge going on...
no idea what
getting in touch with
deep something but not really knowing
what
still vague

the beginnings of a song came
at weekend
I wonder if its related
didnt push what I thought
I SHOULD be doing
and just did
I am exhausted

When they say mentally drained
is that because all thought
all the spin has disappeared
no sign of thinking going on
this is much deeper
between heart and soul
not head and heart
blurred tho
no clarity
still deep

recorded song
even this feels fake
even this feels like
what I feel when I sing
the moment has passed
and so does it still
mean anything?
are my songs a lie even?

I remember feeling like this before
first time in recovery was
during step 5
sitting with sponsor
airing my resentments and defects
and being opened up further
to explore angles and alternative
ways of thinking I could never
have come up with myself
hence the need to do steps WITH a sponsor
the challenges it brings
to look at my thinking and behaviour
from an entirely different angle
and then to actually take this on board
accept its worth a shot and may actually
be a better way
then putting in the action and letting go
of the outcome
yeh the results were phenominal
and continue to be

Sleep, dreams, nightmares
same old same old
Trust the process

continue to continue
keep on keeping on
its all as it should be!

Friday to Monday - exyraordinary

Exellent day friday
Home group
Went me up with kathy blogger :)
Awesome when these things
Come together :)

Saturday, gp for blood results
Mild anaemia
Slightly high cholestrol
Diet sheet
Shopped
Started straight away :)
I dont eat to badly
Yet remove a few things
Which are no good
If i have high cholestrol

Its amazing how many
Older friends overweight i may add
Said oh that reading is nothing ti worry about
Yet i see that i dont need to worry now
What i do need to do is address it now
So it doesnt escalate later in life
I am responsible

I followed up a urine sample
From a few weeks ago
Following a abnormal reading
It was missing...
Missing? Not on the record...
I asked for another sample
Bottle
Andnwent to coffee
Morning at church
Had a laugh
Prepared a mini sermon for sunday
Went to church sunday
Did the sermon
Also did 5 minutes on my calling
Stayed after with gardening club
Made tea, listened to a friend
Wrestling with her calling
Slept the afternoon
Went to bible study-spiritual gifts
Went home ate
Low cholestrol food
Texted some
Encouragement to a friend
Went to be feeling
Grateful for opportunity
Grateful or friends
For church
For getting to know god and jesus
For all my progress
Feelig ok really

dropped in my sample this morning
I get a call at lunch
Abnormal
Do i eat properly?
Yes, 3 meals a day
Not perfect
Certainly healthier than many
Could do better
Just had blood tests
Shiwing chol / anaem etc
Ok... We need you to make an apt
See gp because we need to refer
You to hospital...

Thats when i went into shock
Cry, shake, go cold, confused
The nurse was lovely
She waited til i could talk
And listened
She
Listened while i told her my first thought
Would always be that i have bladder cancer
Just like my mum had...
Its natural to think the worst immediately
Yet also i can see it could be an infection
I see that its not a given that i
Follow her in her diseases
It doesnt work like that

She listened while i asked for
A quick apt so i could get referrrd asap
Because i worry
She passed me to someone else
Who made me apt
With the gentle but firm gp
 that is at the surgery
For this evening
Remarkable

Walked out of the office
In search of a church
The nearest was shut
I called my sponsor
Who is really busy at the
Moment
She picked up
Remarkable

And she listened while
I repaeated all of the above
I knew i was in shock
I know gods plan is not
Always a bed of roses
Challenges aswell as joys
My faith is not shaken
I recognise what i feel is
Shock, disbelief, fear, faith
All at the same time
She suggested i call my pastor
And ask him to pray with me later
Before i go tp gp

I called him, no voicemail
I send him a text
He is not busy late afternoon
He has time for me
Remarkeable

I found a church
And went and prayed
God i offer myself to thee
To do with me as thou wilt
Relieve me of the bondage of self
That i may better do thy will
Take away my difficulties
That victory over them may bear witness
To those i would help
Of thy power, thy love and thy way of life, may i do thy will always.

After letting it go 3 times
Praying
Crying
Admitting my worst fears
Accepting the truth
Which is we dont know
And there is always a solution
Always a process
I am not to think
Just follow the process
No guarantees of cure
Only a process
Have faith
Trust the Experts, gods agents
And do not think or make up
Rules or outcomes, no fantasising
No crystal ball gazing

Final 2008 performance review at work

Highly effective
including a hiccup...
took action to resolve them
overall result...

highly effective
maintained ALL year!!

Programme works!

5 years ago...
i was on a manage me out
programme for poor performance..

In Gods time
with Gods help
practicing the principles
good sponsorship
prayer
and willingness

acceptance
courage
wisdom

ordinary living

not sure
where I am at
So I am not saying very much at the moment
just doing the actions
in all areas
not really thinking
much

back to prayer
and learning who God is!
and how he lived and died

part of me is feeling peaceful
and part of me is standing with the challenge
faith is huge
I know that I can make it (with You)
though theyre doing me wrong
something inside is strong
and prayer is keeping me strong inside
keeping the light shining brightly
though it flickers and almost snuffs out (it feels)
even when though outside seems hard and emotionless
yet really it is burning steadily
even when I dont think it is
something inside so strong
IT IS

is this for real? yes
in whose name?


faith and prayer
allows me to do things with dignity
i have no idea why I am being asked
to do these things
gonna do it anyway

Sleep as you can not as you can't

I wondered why I was sleeping and sleepy
what seemed like the whole weekend
I forgot that I had been out everynight
doing fitness or AA or other
and obviously thought that
I SHOULD be up and about continuously
at the weekend to

Out til nearly midnight Friday
Prison service Saturday afternoon
and out a while Sunday at Church
I have to remember that
this is more than many do...
and its healthy stuff aswell

Sleep is essential
as is regular eating
I am trying to ensure
I keep a balance on both

I spent much of the weekend
praying for guidance
His will, His words, His direction
and listening to those
who have what want
following suggestions
and taking small steps
in doing what they do
or did at the beginning of their path
listening and doing
instead of thinking and figuring
much like early recovery
although its not about alcohol
its about improving my faith
imptoving my conscious contact
spiritual growth
willingness
and openness

I feel apprehensive
rather than afraid
expectant
though not grasping
blinking open eyed in anticipation
not sideways skeptical glancing

All is ok and right sized
Everything is exactly as it should be

Just incase you are interested
here's the sermon from last night
How to read the bible - Nicky Lee

How?
not rocket science, basically
like it was suggested I read the "AA big book"
daily
from the beginning
a few pages
at a time that suits me
there's other stuff in there
Nicky suggested we read it like
a dog loves a bone
eating it with pleasure
putting it down, burying at times
then digging it up, and reading it again
with greater enjoyment
accepting that not always will be want to read
AND THATS OK
but picking it up again as soon as we are ready
accepting that not everything will make sense
at the time
and not every bit will be interesting
he's talking about the bible
but same principle I learned in AA
it works ...

discipline is not a punishment
its an asset

he found reading with someone else newer to the bible
than him helpful
he learned as the other learned

Does this remind you of sponsorship
Reading the Big Book with a sponsor
They say the sponsor gets more than the sponsee

It obviously works in other areas
SERVICE - pass on eveything you have been given
EVERYTHING
In my experience, the more I do this
the more I feel at peace

Secrets, ie holding onto skills etc
has made me unhappy in the passed
training someone at work
passing on ideas that have worked in the past
ALWAYS brings about a sense of Good
even if the ideas are "rejected"
don't stop with the suggestions
unless the person asks you too
there's a difference between advice
and suggestions
and a big difference between
passing on experience and theory!

ok thats me done
I'm off to a step 1 meeting

see ya :)

Pray

I am in the eye (of a storm)
grace?
a window of opportunity?
I am praying
asking questions
and the answers are coming thick and fast
all feels weird
weird = first adjective
thought when I am in the unfamiliar
especially around religion when it
feels ok...

I am struggling to speak
whats going on right now
I am wanting to watch it unfold
rather than talk it out
its Me and God
and it feels alright

Talked to a minister today
10 mins in a church near work
I needed quiet time
and found it
he popped up haha

Questions are being answered
not by people
just by people actions.. thoughts... signposts
the Universe
and its giving me faith to move forward
yes its forward in this area

another is closing up at the moment
the house move is slowing down
exploring other ideas
its not happening with ease at the moment
so I am not forcing it
12 months I gave the process as time
to be prepared for, an ideal
and so I must remember not to act
in hurry and indecision..

I spent much of today
thinking and saying I DONT KNOW
in relation to what I would like
for the short term future
its the truth
nothing I came up with
sounded solid!
Therefor I am not to make any decisions
explore all I like
but no life changing decisions

I am still in my first year (technically) haha
at uni, early study...
so I choose to consider applying
the principle/suggestion of
no life changing decisions
until after the first year of continuous sobriety
or after step 9
A very sensible and very important
principle for me to remember, it worked!
very few self created disctractions
in early recovery was such a lifesaver

see I can interpret or practice these
principles how I choose really
step 9 likened to study module 9?
so until after study module? 9 which
bizarrely would be this time next year
no life changing decisions!
could be an absurd idea? p87
of course it could
but by listening
its slowed me up
and given me another angle to look at this!

more news as it happens
I'm happier today and feeling stable and in the herd
no animal puns intended
Not in control
Being guided
step by step

Prison service tomorrow :)

...if we work for it

exam results out last night
I have pased this year
with flying colours
4 modules
4 B passes
which is excellent
It seems that I am on the right track
and have to honour this
and ACCEPT IT!
going forward
no signs to say otherwise...

VERY hard work
as you know
excruciatingly painful often
gloriously amazing at times
huge faith
never quit
and remember to breathe

But its all forgotton
this moment has passed by me now!
I have repaired
I am well and do not have the haggered look
I now have the summer off
to enjoy!!

Good luck to all the students
in the Universe
IFOBW how did you do?

Regarding the phone call
I made another one
perhaps I am not making myself
clear enough!?
whatever!
its exactly how its meant to be
as always
practicing patience
thoughtfulness
and NOT sloth!

I am reading Conversations with God Book 2
3 years after reading book 1...
Book one really showed me
just how limited my thinking of
God and the universe
and life and humans
how narrow minded and thinking
I was/am/can be

Book 2 I started a while back
and stopped, so I have started again
I love the bit where God talks about
Time in Chapter 5

Embracing change - And having fun - At the same time

Change is
uncontrollable
inevitable
going to happen
part of the process
happening al the time
to be embraced
to be fought
will happen regardless
run fromable
but not hide fromable
tiring
scary
exciting
but bloody ! damn worth it!
once its done !!!

It'll getcha in the end
:)

I'm in it
the hands of the Gods
trying to hard! as usual
creating fear
lighten up

Having fun too
saw Sex and the City last night
Ten Pin Bowling the night before
Hilarious!! Both!

Stalling on the phone call
its just coffee!

Free
They who desire naught will always be free.

Knowing When not to.
Action is important but so is inaction, in other words, knowing when not to.

Think about the times where you were glad or relieved that you had chosen not to act.

What is it that guides us to know, when not to? Is it fate or a universal force that chooses to protect us from harm? Is it just experience and wisdom that we have gained over years of learning and from making mistakes?

But most of us are so caught up in action and ‘doing’ that giving a considered or appropriate response is not something we do naturally or easily. As a consequence, getting it right may not always come naturally.

Do we throw out our common sense when our ‘buttons’ get pushed?
How can we change our patterns so that we can get it right more often?

Maybe the secret of a hassle-free life is having the wisdom of knowing when not to: say something; dig your heels in; hold your ground; or make an important decision!

All the above... Inner Space

I am reading another Paulo Coelho
Witch of Portobello
Its really different but as always
I am inspired

First Chapter
More Witch stuff
Wikipedia on the Witch
And Amazon

2 more sleeps an then I am off

I feel ok you know...

re work
Like i said yesterday
Restraint of Tongue and Pen
Faith
and do the next right thing
and no worrying
Its not sorted but we are going through
a process, so I must trust the process
patience is learned in waiting
and continuing on with the next right thing
Letting go
seems to be something to
relearn everytime
no thing seems to be the same as
the last time I let go
every case is different
feeling remarkably calm
serene even!!?
bizarre really
can this praying thing really work?
you already know I know it does...

Its all becoming clearer - more about study

one of the modules
seems to be fitting into place
buying a voice recorder
was the best buy
along with a bigger ipod
in the last 6 months or so
thanks y'awl fecker!

LISTENING how it all works
over and over
writing it out
LISTENING to this new language
in fear
and now finally HEARING the process
the stucture to follow
and the principles to apply
praise the Lord
i am hearing it spoken by others I trust
those that know better than me
who I understand now to be very imperfect
who get certain things very wrong
but who are definitly
guiding me in the right direction
I am now following their directions
learning how to structure a sentence
!? in English
how these words fit together
sound basic English stuff
but for me its a skill I am learning
painstakingly... its true
word by word
and how to reason it all
test it all out
no guess work
results based, evidence based
stick with the winners
in the broadest sense of the word
working out who my teachers are
in front of me
and past and present
yeh man
bring it on
i am getting excited again!
on one module
all sounds very familiar "rules/suggestions"
I learned in AA and the final suggestion
practice the principles in all your affairs

One module of two seems to be
coming clearer

the other is still a mare..
Rararara
its ALL exactly how its meant to be
its not over YET
if it all became clear at the same time
i THINK i MAY DIE OF SHOCK and cynicism
and I wouldnt believe it was truly clear
moi the eternal doubter

We had to register next years modules
this week, I thought i had done it wrong
contact the correct person
and was told to STOP WORRYING
are you suprised?

If you are approaching end of semester
Good luck, stop thinking now just 'uckin do it
follow the process
apparantly the words are all in there (ones head)
God will get them out in the right order
if i/we let him

still praying for a change in attitude to
9am start. 9.15am today
however I did notice
my chains were nothing to do with
the imaginary gestapo protecting the world
but tiredness from being up very late
doing homework

hmmm is this yet another
old idea I am going to have to let go of
for lack of evidence based
on from now onwards?
have I chaned without realising it?
could be...

praying anyway

Footballs off for me tomorrow
to many dropped out...
have to say
this week I am relieved
only as I am lacking in energy
self inflicted non gym attendance
for a while now
I actually am looking forward to
getting back down there and
picking up where I have let my self go
firming up what was once firm or firming up
prioritizing physical appearance
a little higher than I have been
internal and external nourishment
looking forward to all that
again :)

The lights are coming on
and I am at home
sanity restoring
who knows for how long
I am enjoying having it
for today

its all ok again? yeh seems it... and relax! sky didnt fall in

I can see how crimes are committed
and do people do things
when their thinking is driven
by "hormones" "defects" HALT

If I had lstened to my head
and acted out on it
in the last few months
I would be jobless
friendless
sponsorless
barked at my dad
lifeless
in prison
mutilated
on prozac or something like

Think Think Think
beware of the first thought
wait for the second
and sometimes a 3rd is an even better one
Eventually! it becomes clear whats
Self Will and whats Gods Will
though not always
which is what sponsors, other peoples sponsors
other AA's
other teachers
reliable people in certain areas
help with
oh yeh and then theres my own experience
when I remember or choose to listen to!

What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it. P87

Even if everything seems VERY dark
its not
just cloudy
clouds pass
Sun always comes out eventually
Its true. ask the flowers!

Study
I dont get this
I have stressed for 6 weeks
not taken anything in
sat in lectures and seminars
thinking what are you on about?
doing the work and getting most of it wrong
nearly packed it all in
done my lousy best reading when I wasnt sulking
considered (momentarily) about ending it all
then AT THE LAST MINUTE
thats 24hours before the assessments
sat and summarised
yesterday I got 8/10 for assessment
today I wrote shed loads and referenced aswell
dont know the mark yet
mostly suprised
that I think I have to remember everything
but its not true
Read the question
break it down
keep it simple
Evidence each bit
Then look at it from a completely different angle
and do it all again
There are no wrongs

I have no idea
even when It seems I am not getting anywhere
even when it seems that I will never get anyway
even when it seems I am not following instructions
the results speak for themselves

Humbled once again
Put in the footwork
Let Go of the outcome
Let Go Let God

Do what you can not what you cant
on any given day
its enough!

Whats the chance of me remembering this
by next week when the next two assessments due?
Bob hope and no hope!

THE DARKEST HOUR IS ALWAYS BEFORE THE DAWN P8.
NEVER QUIT BEFORE THE MIRACLE

Full of it - High SpirIT, Holy SpirIT, Fellowship of the SpirIT, what is it ? I dunno but I like IT

Is such an amazing thing
I feel on fire (for you clearly!)
physically I am NOT on top form
Doing the basics
Keeping on keeping on
Spiritually fit

Talking to newcomer, being a fellow within a great fellowship
Being there for a friend amongst friends
Being a worker amongst workers
Asking for help myself in the right places
A good day really

I have eaten
worked
prayed
it hasnt all gone my way today
I havent taken it as a deliberate attempt to sabotage
the peace I have
I haven been tempted to
I did start off on the wrong foot with my colleague
but again shut my mouth... restraint of tongue
AS SOON AS I REALISED IT WHATEVER WE SAID TO EACH OTHER
IT WOULD NOT BE TAKEN THE WAY IT WAS INTENDED
FROM EITHER DIRECTION - I SHUT THE 'UCK UP
she did the same
and it passed
see I know that its not all about me
other people get tired and irritable aswell
We both thawed out just before lunch and laughed
sense of humour returned
passed that laughter on
we get to keep what we have by giving it away
that means humour too

If someone has made you smile today
Its a gift to pass on at the earliest time possible
well thats my story and I'm sticking to it!!
Its what happened today anyway @)

Also realised that its not my job to jump in
and save people like I want to
or for them to save me either
sometimes we have to feel some pain and fear
and grind not because we want to, just because
sometimes it comes with living life instead of hiding
under or inside the sofa
and this is at times what anylengths feels like
having to do it day after day
an anylengths not of our choosing
or not what we are used to
and not always leading to the results we would have liked
BUT DOING IT ANYWAY cos it is the next right thing
AND getting up again and turning up to give it another go tomorrow
and see it through, try the tools out,
test them out, on the hard stuff
this IS where you see how REALLY good these tools are
its all practicing
and possibly you get love and feel the joy when as and when it passes
or just the relief even!
and look back and think
Blimey God if we can get through this
then anythings possible!

Anylengths is not allowing self will to run riot
Anylengths is facing fear
Anylengths is doing what we have to do no matter what
on any given day
Anylengths is also knowing when to stop and lay down
given your current health etc etc

Soo I am going to stop now
I am well on track
knackered and wondering exactly
how I am going to keep working and do this degree
I am not doubting the way forward study wise
Its the way forward
Its the rest of my "life"
what am I to do?

God please show me how to do this
and what to do
Cos I am beginning to wonder myself
the decisions I am contemplating
you know what they are...
what am I to do?
please show me
I dont know whats absurd and what isnt here
they all seem common sense to me AT THE MOMENT!
Give me some direction please
She said on her knees humbly

God bless everyone I have a resentment for
In private I will name them individually
God please grant me some patience, pity and tolerence for x
that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend
When x offends me
God Please remind me, he/she is a sick man/woman
God save me from being angry, thy will be done

God Please help me NOT to retaliate
I would NOT treat sick people this way
God Please grant me restraint of tongue and pen and email

God Please remove my fear around (whatever/whoever) it is
and direct my attention to what you would have me be

God please remove my defects of character... name them!

ok of to do prayers and inventory

For those going through it at the moment
The darkest hours is before the dawn ALWAYS!
sometimes that dark hour goes on for longer than 60 minutes
but the dawn always breaks eventually

Dont quit before the miracle
Minute by minute
hour by hour
morning then afternoon and then the evening
Cinch by the inch, hard by the yard
H.A.L.T
Easy does it
But Just 'uckin do it

Good night

Thank you God
Another sober day
with no desire to drink
and a big desire for life
what you got on for me tomorrow big Guy?

IT is Love
and Love is
Trudging this road in Unity
Unity is Together
Together is in Fellowship

Turned a corner... keep on keeping on, inspite of the light appearing

I have turned a corner
Stayed up last night
trying to sit down and do an assessment
for this evening
at 1am I finally got a grip and answered a question!
I had to sooo keep asking for my attention
to be returned back to whats in front of me
over and over again!
3.40am I turned off the computer
3/4 assessment done
brain say... no more tonight
let go of the outcome
I dont know whether I slept
or just laid down and faked it
alarm went off
went to work
suddenly its very busy
I rose to the occasion
strange that
work is effortless and I love it when its a full day!
its true
and at lunch did another bit of the assessment
at 5pm - 5.30pm some more
in fact I finished every question
then Uni - took the assessment 6-7
and a lecture 7-9
am I insane?
nah just doing my best
and making the most of opportunity when it comes
for me It came at about 1am last night
suddenly felt a shift
and I milked it for a few hours
keeping on keeping on
No idea how the assessment went
not marked yet
Now to prepare for the next one

What shifted?
Fear or just a moment of clarity, sanity?
Suddenly I read the instructions
The lecturers instructions
of what I am meant to do
and tried the first question
and it suddenly made sense
at that moment
what was unclear, suddenly became clear!
makes sense to me

Now I just have to apply it again
to the next assessment next week
and to the other module
Ching!
Thank God for that

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.P24

Why do I think this is relevent to me for the last 24hours?

Step1
For reasons yet obscure
I am unable to control how and when
I am at my best studying
I have lost control (if I ever had any power to control)
I am unable, at certain times
to... study even when the consequences
of not studying are so great
ie loss of marks, hurt pride, humiliation...
punctured ego
I am without defense of when this balking will come
around taking and processing new information
in studies

This is where step 2
I have faith that if I keep on
dont quit
turn up
follow suggestions
even when its not as I would like
wait, let go, try again and again
at somepoint sanity will return
This is anylengths

If I quit when its tough
If I dont open up to my fellows
last night and say
Its really hard and I hit a wall
to my sponsor and say I dont know what to do
follow her suggestions
even when it goes against what I thought was best
even when I told her I wasnt going to do what she suggested
which was step 11 work
I did it anyway!
what the Frik to I know really
if I dont do all this
I retreat into isolation
and I quit before the miracle

See it works
I am coming out of this darkness into the light
I am not saying darkness over
just saying
its all starting to fit again
instead of grind
Phew!

Right I need to go and wash up
my kitchen is a a mess
as a result of me cooking up
good nutritious food
and not being bothered to wash up after
oh the joys of being a student!

What else happened
I got a 12 step call
and someone called me up and asked me to be their sponsor...
See I have no idea
whats going to happen next
and where Gods work will come from
I thought I needed to go to more meetings
to work with newcomers
apparantly NOT ALWAYS!
again
God often provided for me what I thought
I should be doing for myself
but had no idea how to fit it all in!
Let Go Let God

I have another review at work tomorrow
does it ever end?
nope
do I want it to?
nope

Good night
pray for more willingness

anylengths means anylengths

Happy Valentines - and Conscious Incompetence (Stage 2)

Conscious incompetence
Though the individual does not understand or know how to do something, he or she does recognize the deficit, without yet addressing it.

here's where I am at in week 2 semester 2
Listening to a lecture
thinking
what the 'uck are you talking about
I am NEVER going to get this! (Like i know anything about the future)
and
even the little bit I knew about this subject
doesnt even seem to make sense any more!!

Old thinking would be
I have no chance AND
obviously EVERYONE ELSE
gets it!!
I am rubbish
I am NEVER going to get it...

Today, I know that I am EXACTLY
wher I am supposed to be
and if i wanted reassurance
which I dont today
cos MY OWN EXPERIENCE
shows me...
what I feel today
Is all part of the process

Keep on keeping on
there are 12 steps in the AA programme
there are 12 weeks in the seminar
keep turning up
even if you THINK its not happeneing as it should
do the work and let go!

Four stages of Competence
I am at stage 2
Which means just incase I wasnt sure
there is hope!
as long as I keep on doing the work

Wikipedia

Badminton Model

Changing Minds

Business Model

Once again... I am just a text book case!
Thank fully

Happy Valentines
Lots a love
Mwah

Study - I need a Prayer but not Pity please and H.A.L.T.

Study
Started a study group this week
its off the ground
and already I see its benefiting
talking things through out loud
in a group helps
motivating too
me and a few others
set a few ground rules
like no a time to do each others homework!
and the next modules havent even started yet!
Way Hay!!

Prayer not pity for me please
I have a couple of physical issues going on
As in previous times
DO NOT DELAY in taking action is the key
One is regarding an old injury which has become
inflamed, and I have to rest or not aggravate
The other is same old same old...
Mind and spirit up for the challenge of new modules
Body really isnt interested
And its reacted... THEYRE BACK
Breast lumps ARE back
I have been kinda half knowing this the last couple of days
I check myself regularly as
cancer and breast cysts are in our family
and in me on several occasions in the last 4 years
cysts and lumps that is
Tonight in the shower cubicle at the gym
I checked yet again, seriously
and then prayed
"God whats going on? Why me, again is it cos
I can handle anything with you and I know it?
I dont want to suffer and die. I want to study and work
please, what is it you want me to do and i'll do it,
but just at this moment I am not pleased with your timing"
God said make a phone call in the morning
God said dont worry about work
God said just do it
God said trust me
AGAIN no self pity around... its true
I am frustrated cos its just something else
I HADNT PLANNED in MY self centred ideas of how it should be!

A couple of phone calls tomorrow
Get the ball rolling, just like before
Consultation,
possible x-rays,
possible ultrasound or whatever they call it,
possible needle in to take a sample,
possible another visit
or he could just say after examining them
dont worry, you have a lovely pair of breasts
haha Dr's dont say that really, except.... in my dreams!
I can think of a number of jokes regarding
being long time single and going to
anylengths to get my breasts "examined"
but i wont!

But I will ask how seriously do you take
Breast and Testicular cancer?
Do you check regularly for lumps and changes?
In yourself or your partner?
Why not?

Nowadays many people do recover...

Please pray for me health and healing and the strength to be shown Gods will and the Power and strength to carry it out.

Why do I write all this personal stuff?
Why not? It helps me see how the principles work
all over the place, in ALL my affairs
It also helps me process what goes on
it also helps me see how progess is made
it also helps me see how grown up I am becoming
or how laid back I am about what was once a big deal to me!
Who knows it may help somewhere along the line
I am not the only one I know, by reading your blogs
But this is about today and whats happening with me today
I think it comes easy, cos I am so honest
I am far less fearless of what people think of me
and I am far less afraid of myself

H.A.L.T
I have noticed that when I dont eat breakast
or my meals are not at certain times
I crave the junk that I have not missed hardly
when I have eaten from the cookbook
Eat well and junk need not be a problem, it seems

See ya

Oh yeh, this for me is what being sober is all about
being fit mental, physical and spiritual
enough to run with ANY challeges life throws
REGARDLESS
yeh a change of diet, yoga, gym, eating, studying, working
holidays, resting, meeting, helping others, intergroups
Life IS Good! BUT Its not my business to put ANY conditions
on what I will and wont do for God, with God
to me, He is all powerful, so I have to put this to the test
in my own way, MY part of all this is to
try and fit my will along side Gods
and His job is... well I have absolutely no idea
Faith must be unconditional and unknowing

Why me?
Why not