Social Occasions

So we're getting round to that time of year again.

Hidden booze in food particularly puddings.

Picture this... some long time sober folk & others

who have no idea we are.

 

Rely on one alky who said this pud is fine.

It comes and after two two tastes sense says its

laced with something.

 

One gets up confirms its boozy and

changed it for icecream,

two carry on eating it knowing its laced

with bacardi & rum.

 

One says i cant taste it,

just tastes like fruity,

other says i have this everytime i come here.

As time goes on...

Some people can do this with impunity,

some will mess with their heads.

Its your recovery,

its your life.

Alcoholism is cunning baffling powerful.
...

Be careful.

For some to eat it is the beginning

of the road back to the bottle.

for some to drink is to die.

well I am just holding back feeling sorry for myself

and I realised I have PMT
so I am forgiven!
RAAR!
and i'm NOT going to inflict you
with fake self pity
brought on by hornmones
a freudian slip i am going to leave in! :)
restraint of tonge and groove
not shouting my head off
wanting to cry
I am tired
restless
discontented
oh yeh i wrote a cheque for a
rather large sum
so I am no longer as richer fool as I was
yet my greed is still clinging on I can feel it
I have had workmen in my house
last 2 days
found another fault
and another created itself!?
all fixable another time
but I HAVE HEAT right now... late evening
not just up until mid morning!

Exam yesterday... glad we have resits
essay to finish
work tomorrow
away 2 evenings conference starting tomorrow night!
and I have to dress up
this is where you grin!
this is where i have to show myself
the just for today card in my face!
and REALLY dress becomingly for work
for one evening a year!
I know it will be good fun
but this is the bit I have to force myself
once its on and i'm there
i'll be fine! infact i'll have a "ball"!
experience tells me so
so shaddup head!
or i'll grow my mullet hair back
like the sax player
on here!!


I forgot I had a label for PMT
should use it more
it will probably be very well used!
see ya!

and i went to a carol service

spent time in home group
got honest with a human (sponsor) and God
knowing there is more I need to say
Sick as your secrets
and resentments ARE the number 1 offender
fear being the corroding thread...

Dont worry seems to be the 2 words
I most need to hear at the moment
as they are being said over and over
I must look and appear worried
I am fearful
its the same!

I went to a meeting last night
then across the road to a AA function
live band
noisy, too noisy for me
am i really quieter all over
is this how its going to be?
a random woman stoppped and asked me
if i had read the power of now
and said she would ring me later meaning after 10.30pm!
I said no...I'd rather she didnt
is she crazy or am i

went to a carol service today
it was so lovely
the church I am considering joining
makes mistakes
the song sheets are in the wrong order
the minister gets his words wrong
stuff is spelled wrong
but you know
I love it
and it loves me!
children singing
and the nativity... little shepherds!
and angels
soooo cute!
and different bands and musicians
i like it
its real, imperfect and lovely
i think I could grow old with this fellowship
I asked a really old lady how long
she had been coming, she said since she was born
thats a really long time!
every night they used to come and do things
a long time ago
I wish it could be like that now

I was saying to my sponsor
that nothing seems to make any sense
and all material seems purposeless at the minute
all I want to do is go to church
and learn about God
yes go to work
but not study
just do simple stuff
i dont know whats going on
I left her yesterday
strengthened by her belief

its like everythings going round me
at a million miles an hour
and I am standing in the middle
nothings touching me
skimming the surface
nothing has any depth
and I have no will to try
i just want stillness
and to learn about my creator
that I want
is this a distraction a short term thing
will this fulfill
will God fill the God shaped hole?

I stood outside last night
and looked at all the stars
I enjoyed the sunshine today
I like the freshness and the warmth

I loved the love in the carol service
yet... afterwards I felt apart

How long will

Johno
Be still and know that I am God

what?

Be still and dont worry...

and then 2 - 12 steps calls came through...
from the phone office
there are suffering alkies out there
drinking & dying



Time to let go absolutely
Have a safe and funfilled Christmas and 2009!

We had our Christmas Party tonight at work

I have NEVER seen so much FREE
beer, wine all kinds of booze
lying around in BUCKETS of ice
its true... NEVER!

arrived at 6
was ready to go by 6.30 haha
yeh its true the alcohol hadnt started working on THEM
they were still talking work
its dark, everyones tall
and no-one really knows whats going on
except that they know there is free booze
and its everywhere

I went out for some air and called an AA friend
who incidently is now pregnant with her AA husband
and it is Gods will they have children IVF finally worked!
Bless you!

Went back in, humour was appearing
talkied with a few people
caught up with some more
very small talk with others
went nuts with some more
playing chinese whispers
had a laugh or three
and went out for some more air
this time I prayed
it was around 8.15 time to go...

yeh its early, the fun people
were now drunk and the drunker people
mumbling
the rest were discussing managment politics
and small talking their way through

after a mad photo, gawd knows what its gonna be
and a hundred I love you's and kisses
and sad farewells to some thats leaving
I departed the building

Its time when there are approx 30 ice cold beers
and 15ish bottles of wine
scattered that I get jealous
why do I get jealous?
Because I cant drink like normal drinkers

I also accept it and know
especially at the moment
my sobriety is much more imprtant
than the 10 free shots I was offered...

So I am now home
wondering what it would have been like to be drunk
would it have been different this time
and knowing at the same time
the answer is
NOPE!
and listening to the question
am I sure?
YES!

Are you?

MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new onesP31

Once an alcoholic
always an alcoholic

And Acceptance is the answer... P417/418

More fun... and sun - thank you God...

Was joking friday evening that
I had asked for sun
2.30 on saturday
as thats when I planned to meet up
with friends in the park
inspite of the wet forecast
I said yeh I had had a word
and it would be sunny
over St James Park
even if it wasnt everywhere else...
went home and asked for forgiveness
self righteousness is not cool!

anyway it rained most of saturday morning
and stopped around lunch
at exactly 2.30 the sun came out at home
I was running late...
I had no faith that it would be sunny in the park
it looked very dark over that way
but whatever ? contingency plans had been made

It rained on the way while I was on the train
it had stopped by the time I got off
and by the time I got to park
the sun was out
and drying up the rain
the band were playing in the park
people were out
and it just got warner and warmer...

was lovely seeing friends
and as usuall not enough time
went to cinema
and then pizza after
really fun time

Today I am really tired
and couldnt drag myself out to the gym
more jokes about my age and emails etc

Life good dudes
its rained all day here
lokks like I got my birthday present from God
yesterday, he gave me sunshine in the park
its the free stuff that I love
in the place I love

I am having far too much fun
I am grateful
pass me the stick!

Today I lerned to play this


Robbie Williams - Come undone Chords

So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking ..... even plain ordinary whoopee parties. P101

You will note that we made and important qualification.

Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion,

“Have I any good social, business,
or personal reason for going to this place?

Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure
from the atmosphere of such places?”

If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension.

Go or stay away, whichever seems best.

But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground

before you start and that your motive in going
is thoroughly good.

do not think of what you will get out of the occasion.

Think of what you can bring to it.

But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead! Pages 101 & 102

Today I got a shared cake
and a card signed by a load of people
and some book vouchers...
frikkin awesome
book vouchers! a large sum of money!
a card was probably gonna happen, we do it..
but vouchers..
VERY unexpected, I am touched really

the other birthday person
was going out after work for a few drinks
and cos it was mine I was asked again...
yeh man this time I wanted to go
yesterdays stuff was forgotton by the person with the hump
I was going to go to home group
I was going to turn up later
I was going to go to the cafe after
I was... all these things I could
legitimately leave and do
which would have been ok with me

Just for today
I will have a program.
I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

all the planets lined up
the company was really friendly
and I was happy around it ALL
when I said I was going
someone else asked me to wait for them
and then another did toooooo

Tonight I didnt feel I let my homegroup down
tonight I let them know
I would be late
communicated appropriately..
the meeting would go on without me

I had fun
I had friends offreing to help me
shop to furnish my house... I have no idea!
house hunt again
I am happy

I am part of in many areas
instead of apart from it all

I love the summer nights
I love that I got to walk back across London Bridge
and see the lights and buildings
and do a 360 degree turnaround see the sights
all lit up!!
I am repeating myself I know when I say it
I am so grateful even just for that view
I used to dream of this stuff
now I am living the dream!

First viewing on my flat in the morning!
i'll just tidy up, leave the agent to it
and see what happens!

So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness.P132

I know praying works now
I do it
and it works
answers come
not in my time though
sometimes quickly
sometimes slowly
and if they dont...
well i'm not meant to know

Had a night out to go to
tonight
planned by colleagues
partly for my birthday
and partly for someone elses
last night
I decided I didnt want to go
yes a normal reaction...
head wants to run off and do its own thing
away from a
a potential joyful experience
and create another, run another show
self will run riot

prayed last night for the words to help me
"get out of it without appearing ungrateful
thoughtless, selfish and unsociable"
I was wanting a reasonable excuse
which would leave me with peace of mind
and them thinking "good" of me...
... no words came
this morning I was wondering how I could
not go, and maintain my peace of mind
... nothing came
I HONESTLY couldnt get out of this
yeh I could just NOT go
but I would have to live with myself
and I would know why..

I went to church this lunch
and prayed for my fear to be removed
prayed for patience and tolerence
prayed for my defects to be removed
and for victory over my difficulties
... what came was... go its only for 4 hours
and so what if they get you doing things
be of service, and sometimes that could
mean making a fool of yourself
or should that read taking part in something
funny and allowing yourself to be laughed at
as I will others who will also do it, possible
"belly dancing" haha! frick yeh
no you see why I didnt want to go!
I wouldnt have even done that drunk!
but you know I have done loads of stuff sober
that I wouldnt have done drunk
and you know what
who really gives a "toss"
its a laugh! SERVICE
let them have a harmless laugh at my expense
it dont feel victim like
it feels like taking part, being part of
with people who want to spend time with me
who aren't just out for a drink
eating and conversation... fun!

So we think cheerfulness and laughter
make for usefulness. 132

Anyway I digress
left the church convinced that I was ready
I had handed the whole thing over
I was ready to go and do what ever
10 minutes later
I arrived back to my desk...
someone said
did you get the email?
what email?
the one about tonight, its been cancelled!
what...
its been cancelled...
the person who had arranged it
got the complete hump
loads of people had suddenly dropped out
and it was cancelled...
she was really disappointed
that people just cahnged their minds
even though there was still
quite a few people up for it
she cancelled and lost it!

frik... scares me
I got what I thought I wanted
but actually I didnt need it
and I didnt know or think of the consequences
but I wont stop praying
what scared me most is that
whether praying had anything to do with this or NOT
if I had just not gone tonight...
made my dishonest excuses
(I had a very legitimate reason to be there)p101
( I feel in very fit spiritual condition)p101
(I had prayed)
(Mentally and physically I am well this week)
(H.A.L.T in tact, even been eating breakfast
..early in the morning)
staying away without HONEST motives
how thoughtless would that have been
she had made efforts and arranged extra stuff for us
gone out of her way to make it kinda special
and me I was just thinking of my self seeking self
like whether the guy at the gym I met
would be there if I went
and thinking that I am not that important
self self self

WRONG sometimes AT TIMES to some people I am

Went to the gym
guy not there...
hahahaha

peace of mind in tact
some dishonest guilt for the person with the hump
this too shall pass
a humble reminder - I too can be thoughtless
and God generally gives me what I need
a few lesson learned today

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable P59

Powerless over alcohol
I believe it NOW

This year I have experienced
a real turn in my "going out"
I have relaxed, enjoyed the company
I am with and really changed around
not being on edge around booze
yeh there are the moments
when I feel the
"Why dont you drink?
what not atall?"
and how quickly people forget
and ask again the next time
most people leave me alone
after a few minutes
its the peoples shocked attitude
rather than drink its self

but this last month or so since
study finished for the summer
I have had some good times
had fun
the vigilance ON GUARD
is replaced by a knowledge
and get on with whats in front of me
ie who am I with or what am I there for...
neither cocky nor are we afraid P85

A few weeks ago
I went out with the intention
of leaving the bar 6.30 and was still in there at 7.30
getting out took about 30 minutes...
I intended to go to the gym after
and ended missing a train and being very early for the next
and not MANAGING to get down the gym
this was a huge dent i my pride
how could I have let this stuff
interest me so much
self will was amazingly weakenedp92
these cocktails I have never tasted
have such a hold on me that
I wanted to stick around
I had no desire... or did I?
yeh I think I had a desire to taste these
interesting drinks
but no desire to get drunk
no desire to get out of it
but I didnt
I really had no idea
what was going on inside of the bar that night
or should I say inside my head
until this week
I have felt
restless, irritable and discontent Pxxvi Dr's Opinion
ever since and didnt kknow why
until now...

I felt manipulated and messed around
by drink and I didnt drink it
The problem centres in my mind P23
I thought its the smell
that sets the craving off in me
now I know its not the case
I have had no desire to drink
or taste a drink after I left the bar
its not the smell, I had plenty of smells that night
its the first drink

The alcoholic at certain times has no effective
mental defense against the first drink p43

Or was it that I was having fun
and didnt actually want to leave
and go do the other thing
and it just didnt feel
acceptable to actually want to stay
in the bar because I was having a good time!?
perhaps next time I do not need to set
up the get out of jail card
reason to leave at a certain time..
leave it absolutely with God to tell me!

Why didnt I drink that night?
I was really relaxed
it was close to me
it looked harmless, colourful
I could smell it
and I wasnt really being anally vigilant
like I have been before
Good company
good venue
comfy chairs
and I was feeling good...
and the drinks looked fine
not dangerous atall
I have to say I was baffled
and its been on my mind
I didnt drink and
In my mind I deserved tooo
I mean enjoying myself in a bar!!
How dare I...

Obviously God has other plans
Obviously to me now
my defence came from a Higher Power P43
I was not in control that night
me nor any other human beingP43
I look back now and see
my mind was interested in the stuff
God had other ideas!

I feel blessed
Its scared the hell out of me
On Thursday I had one of those
How come I didnt get this before days
Spiritual Pride..

Its God that keeps me sober
not me, I mean not me really
I am powerless
God is all powerful p59
I feel grateful
Although I have spent
a while feeling ungrateful
for this battle going on in my head
trying to figure out whats happening
and why I felt so messed around...

We read Step 3 out of the big book last night
at my home group
I felt like the
"retired business man who lolls in the
Florida sunshine in the winter complaining
of the sad state of the nation" P59
I had been given Grace
grace to go to bars
an alcoholic going to bars and leaving sober
after having a good and great times??
and a legitimate reason to be there
and feeling in fit spiritual conditionp101
before i went in
and praying
before and during
hows that work then?
yeh I had been complaining
about the heaviness of it all..

but not seeing that
It works-it really doesp88

A drinking buddy said on Thursday
after he looking at me drinking coke
whilst he sipped at his vodka and coke
or was it the 3rd round to my one
"I admire you..."
I stayed for ages
and knew when it was time to leave
and left...

Bizarre this mind stuff
the mind is a dangerous place!

God I offer myself to thee
to build with me as thou wilt
releieve me of the bondage of self
that I may better do thy will
take away my difficulties
that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help
of thy Power, Thy Love and Thy way of life
may I do thy will always P63

Forgive me for not asking you
everyday for a sober day
It doesnt mean that I dont want it
I love the life you are giving me
even though my mind tells me
lots of rubbish
which I still at times have trouble not listening to
I beleive in you
This week I see you have the Power
I really can let go absolutely! p58

I am told this is growth
its all progress..

Tapas Lunch out

Good restaurant
Reasonable portions
Lots of windows
Nice atmosphere
during the day
Good vegetarian selection to choose from
though not if you intend going every week
as limited
La Rueda
We had a big selection of Tapas
Though there is A la Carte toooooo
not too busy either
1pm ish in the week
no need to book
enjoy

Lunch out and seeking advice, I dont always know whats best

Lunch out today a treat for ! Christmas
Was good
A couple of bottles of wine then?
whats it white or red?
I'll just have a bottle of mineral water please
Oh yeh thats right your off the wine
yeh
waiter comes, bottle of wine gets ordered
and I call him back cos the water isnt...
It reminded me yet again
how people just forget
to me its no big deal they forget
in a way its a compliment
I am not really that important
I dont hold the fact that I dont drink
as any importance in their lives
I prefer water
The smell of a full bodied rioja
was as lovely as ever though I have to admit :)
Food was great
La Rueda
vegetarian selection tasty too
I waas tempted with the prawns and octopus... but didnt today

Seeking advice
called up the clinic
they refered me back to GP as I had been discharged
GP kindly called me back
and suggested I see how it is in a week
if no change
he will refer
it may be gone by then!!
Its true I know
It has gone on its own before
or dispersed in time
Once again patience is required
Trust and continue with life and breathing
no predicting
I have faith

Early night tonight
I surrender
tired
H.A.L.T.

Attitude of Gratitude

Theres something about plugging in
whether it be 12 bloggers
11 people on a meeting
10th steps... no am not going to go on
It brings out an change of attitude

reading the big book especially
brings out my gratitude

I am gratful for
praying in the car
praying in the bank
praying outside
praying like my life depends on it
cos it does
praying cos its helpful FULLSTOP
being willing
step 10's that show me the TRUTH
letting god steer
the suns shining
washings done
the pools clear
having a pool
we ARE lucky
yellow birds
alcohol free fruit mince pies
kids are happy and healthy
brothers relaxed
I am sober
Enough food to fill the fridge
we ARE lucky
finding some barbie pink and fluffy crackers
we ARE lucky
filling up my ipod
the sun
going on holiday on wednesday
being loved
loving
making an attempt at letting go
and trusting God has a plan
and its not my business
to twiddle and look to closely
or question to hard

I just got to get outer bed
pray
shower and have breakfast
turn up each day and see what happens

As for alcohol
there is no cure
only a daily reprieve
hang around if you like
just for today
I choose not to

Have a fun and safe next couple of days

Resentment is the number one offender.
It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.P64

Love ya's Johno

Self will or Gods will - together or apart

the last post I wrote for me
to remind me
I do not drink safely atall
DO NOT DEBATE IT

the more I head out of the rooms
and behave ? normal
the more family/friends drink in their normal way
ie the champagne has been out since
11am along with beer and wine last few days
and whisky and other stuff
swimming in the pool and then
a trip down the shop,,, in the car
for food supplies
this is normal holiday routines

no they dont want me to drive
so much to let go of
yeh I want him to just be himself
I feel good that they drink what they want
when they want...
without thinking about me

I got jealous this weekend
thats all
Alcohol got interesting

BUT they talk sh*t when they are drunk
two nights running hear the same things
I cant do this, well I can
but it bores the hell out of me
sex, women, gossip and gadgets

am jealous! of that... see what defects
Listening to my head, gets me
full of self pity
its dishonest too
The weathers great
tans coming on fine
absolutely should be relaxing
am me am obsessing about what I am missing out on
and how I want to read for my xam in january
andwhy I cant pick up emails.... well one in particular
its all about me and my self seeking

Pride... what will people this of me if I drink?
Fear yeh I see how cunning and baffling and powerful
this stuff is

yet I have a choice ALWAYS A CHOICE
i can NOT take part in social and festivities
Or I can stay honest
pray for a sober day
I dont want to get drunk
I just want to fit in
drink champagne celebrate with my brother
not drink heineken and f*rt

tomorrow I pray
for a sober day
for God to show me how I may be of service
for his words not mine
and show me how I may be of maximum helpfulness
and a smile
and acceptance is the answer....

merry chrsutams
self swill run riot

My name is johno and I am an alcoholic

It is the first drink - not the sixth or tenth that does the damage

Dont pick up the first drink
and you won't get drunk

Don't listen to your head
when it says you can

Don't listen to your head
You can't

Walk away
Go do something useful

Pick up the phone before you pick up a drink
It could save someone's life
and it may just be yours!

Pray for a sober day
and be vigilant
Its cunning baffling and powerful

Enjoy