Working with others... Quietens obsessions...

Take out the word sex
Replace with whatever
Yer obsession is at the moment...
Whatever requires self restraint against
And Power from something greater
Than my yourself

To sum up about sex:
We earnestly pray for the right ideal,
for guidance in each questionable situation,
for sanity, and for the strength
to do the right thing.
If sex is very troublesome,
we throw ourselves the harder
into helping others.
We think of their needs
and work for them.
This takes us out of ourselves.
It quiets the imperious urge,
when to yield would mean heartache.

P70

So working with others
Along with praying
For it to be lifted
simply be the
Answer to my current
Obsession
Fancied or real
Which alone i am unable
To resolve
Practice these principles
In all my affairs... Life areas
step 12

Day at a time
Analysis paralysis

Saw this and fell off my chair laughing

I want that natural cat high ... bring it on!!

1.10min & 1.20min and 2.40min onwards
just cracked me up

2.02mins is exactly what its like when
I embarked on my step 4
and at times when sit down and attempt
to continue to take a fearless and moral inventory
facing myself at times appears to be terrifying
to the world is just NOT

0.04mins putting up my best fight and being knocked to
my knees with one cool sponsor blow



I think at times I spend many an hour
laying horizontal
and running round the edge of a round rug
or is it a giant pizza base?
and dont realise how damn funny it is
to those observing
its another dimension dudes
the 4th ...
1.10mins the above vid

Infact I relate to most of this video
in some shape or form
running after bears
taking a run at the wall
hurling myself at the wall
hiding under the sofa
falling in the water
escaping what seems the inescapable
having the life frightened out of me
standing my ground
face in the porridge, with a "leave me alone look that would kill"
all loved up with a baby
jumping around completely attention seeking
taking a run, taking a walk and falling down a hole
trying to run and jump prematurely and falling down
1.20mins ballet dancing on my front paws...
jumping an somersaulting for joy just because I can!

Happy Saturday
Huge gratitude to share later
in a study break
the best is yet to come

Feeling impatient? want recovered in all areas NOW ?

Imagine your defects sitting in front of you
along with your head and the Sh&t fairy

Heres one to try
Try Singing this to your defects of character
Try Singing this as if you are your heart
try singing this from your heart
Sing this to the sh&t fairy that sits on your shoulder
who'se saying its not working or I would be fixed by now

You are recovering from a killer illness (like cancer)
The alcohol problem, appears to have been removed
Which itself is a gift
We then want ACTION in all other areas of our life NOW
It all becomes really clear what needs sorting out, changing

We forget, Alcohol was/is what was killing us physically
even though mentally we may still be
driven insane by our thinking (or should I say
listening to our defective thinking
thinking driven by our defects
which eventually if not dealt with will drive us into
insanity, or death... not just by drinking

The great thing about recovery is
we suddeny see all these other things need changing
improving on, and we want it NOW because we see
others have had it changed, it CAN be done
and we are told we are not the exception
Keep coming back does not quiet the impatience

All in Gods Time, (not mine)
(I keep saying this, I think its gonna be the title
of my first song!?)

Sometimes inventory needs retaking
and retaking
and retaking
on certain life areas
(Step4 & then ongoing Step10's)
Works
Taking responsibility
having faith
Prayer
Allow Willingness, Action and Patience to drive you

The only thing instant in AA is the coffee
And 20-30 years of insanity will not be fixed in 2 or 3 or 4
However it amazing and all areas are being sorted and resorted
improved and improved
The best is yet to come

So while your still healing
Have a little patience



Take That - Patience

A quarter of a year has past.....

Since I last blogged.
January
Mum got sick
February
she got sicker
March
She died

The amazing thing is all through this I have been looked after...
I have had an inner strength which i cannot explain

At times when i would have expected full on self pity there was none

when I expected greed, there was none

when I expected sulking, there was very little

What I have now is to allow myself to grieve
bit not wallow in self pity & analysis

to allow the truth to come about the relationship
the real stuff

To share with God what i feel, felt is a gift
to be able to cry is a gift
to comfort rather than to be comforted
to allow people to love me in their own way
to understand rather than to be understood

to keep showing up
to allow my imperfect self to show up
to be able to greive is a gift, some people never get this

some people i hear, get married in grief
some people bottle up and breakdown years later

I kept on with my best on each day
have the willingness to step up a gear when i can
progress not perfection

I have just Step4 a year of dishonesty, seen how much i was using, relying, depending upon people to get me through.
Interestingly for me, the last 4days of this step4, each time i sat down to do it I had a vivid taste & smell of vodka which wouldnt shift.
The disease of my mind is very powerful it really wants me drinking.
I checked everything, nothing in food, washing powder nothing...its all centred in the mind.

Recently trudging became harder, sludging really
I questioned my labor, my actions.
Yes always room for improvement to be made
But I wasnt able
Tired, exhausted
upset, sleepless nights
nightmares
simple jobs became difficult & impossible
unmanageable...
sounds like untreated alcohol
grieving over the loss of someone, instead of something...alcohol
Stayed honest & willing & openminded...
THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I started to get lonely, no identification
I had to check in with other greivers as my family were just FINE!!!
As soon as i checked out the symptoms of grief
Identification, ok I accept
now the road am trudging isnt as sludgy
its levelling out again
the lack of fellow people grievers doesnt seem to matter

grief seems to have similar symptoms regardless of whether its people places & things.
same symptoms we just suffer them at different degrees at different times

well thats how it is for me anyway
ITS PASSING

as usual I am grateful
for having an unshakeable faith in honesty
For step10's
For a gentle loving God
For being very sober
for the willlingness to try
for trying to hear Gods will not mine
for trying to do Gods will not mine
for losing this faulty dependence upon people
for noticing this reliance on God can also bring about an arrogance
for remembering I am not God, just trying to do Gods will
for being ready to not let my defects take control
For everything AA has given me so far
For having been born (thanks mum)
For understanding a little more about the meaning of life
Unity, Recovery, Service
Unconditional Love
Progress not perfection

Keep coming back

Step 4

Its coming on, thats all i can say
am doing it
even resorted to using step 10's as an avoidance tactic
hows that win win

thanks for comments
it all helps

keep on keeping on

Works going ok
am expecting to be a superhero again
and am not
at least i worked it out before i got too much of a strop on

am grateful

Just remembered the fork

Smile

Stop Comparing yourself

We subjected each relation to this test --was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it.
P69 Alcoholics Anonymous

yeh, there really is better ways
they were all about me
all on my terms
yeh the other party may or may not have got something out of it
but that really was not that high on my agenda

how bizarre I have been in denial
I have blamed another area of my life
for issues and just bathed in that victim like state
not bothering to look to the ideal and grow towards it
always just assumed it would just happen by magic one day

one day I would be cured miraculously
i just woke up a bit more
my thinking has just changed abit
i just seen it from an entirely different angle

could be right, could be wrong
anyway i got it down on paper and looked at it
and now i am trying to let go
and move onto the next

but i cant, i just had a God moment
a life changing feeling like someone switched the light on
and i got hope that there is hope for me
I am not a hopeless case

Ok HALT, i ate, am not angry or lonely but am tired
so am going to sleep

been having conversations lately with someone
telling them to stop comparing them selves with others
and get on with the step they are on
and i just had the same conversation with my sponsor
without realising it, until i got told to "stop comparing"
mind my own business
its not good for my self esteem

Honesty, is key, because i forget, its good to be reminded
about my assets aswell as my liabilities

Am grateful

Today

has gone really ok
i even realised that my mum dont need me to pass on program stuff
she already keeps stuff simple
and doesnt project

strange it didnt rub off on me then
i didnt point it out to her
no need, she probably assumes i knew this stuff for years
(yes i am a mindreader)

anyway, done more step 4
still stared, but no beatings today
realised how my loneliness has been, could be, is such a liability
and how chronically selfish i am, can be, have been, could be

thank god am in with a chance
now i know

i need to check my motives before i do anything
prevention is easier than cure
especially as sometimes there is no cure

Step 4 Seaching & Moral

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it. P69 Alcoholics Anonymous

It says looked, not stare & re live it.
It doesn't say beat yourself over the head with a stick
it doesnt say you have to make amends
it just says get it ALL down on paper and look at it
Fuckinell
i thought there wasnt gonna be much to put down
but when you put it that way

living with an odd head, with hope
doing the right things
doing it anyway
enjoying it inspite of it all

Am grateful
for doing service
for choices
for willingness
for a sense of humour
for taking action
for patience
for honesty
for love
for the great lyricists of this world

This time last year
I was 5000 miles away
typing on a keyboard in heat
with insects fluttering all over
surreal so much has happened this year

am sober
am getting stronger
am staying stronger
am waking up
am staying awake
its worth it
am worth it

Let Go
Let God

Keep Letting Go
again, and again, and again

All is Quiet in this Alkys Head
On New Years Day

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Step 4

Making an attempt again tonight
the disease is strong in me
i like where am at, it knows that
my self will is powerful
Acting out is an option

I dont like the person I am writing about
but i know i havent solved the issue am writing about
its just not a part of my life at the moment
but it may be in the future
the same feelings will come up again, no doubt
the same difficulties, different setting

Listen to this head speak...
step4 wont cure it...
no one said step 4 will cure anything!!
your too fucked up for steps to help with that
how the hell do I know, i havent done to 12 yet
It wont work!!
I havent had the chance to try steps on it
it wasnt your fault, just stay away from that
area of life and you'll be fine

I dont want to isolate from anything thats difficult
I want to work through stuff at this basic level
so that i can try anything i want to
what anything ?
yeah anything not destructive, i want freedom
you have it now
no i want a new freedom
i want victory over these difficult areas
i want to be able to have a choice
to go boldly where i havent gone before
what now ?
no just whenever, when opportunity knocks
i want the choice

I want to build a solid foundation
not one built on fear, pride, selfishness, dishonesty
one built on honesty, faith & willingness, openmindedness
love n stuff like that

You really dont want to listen to me do you
not really, you hold me back nowadays
but you used to like how we did stuff
yeah i know, but now i want to try somethings different
why ?
cos i like whats going on, i liking who i am
so...
i want to, but you always seem make it hard
yeh because i dont want to leave
look, we had this conversation before
you will always be there, i have no doubt
we will always have conversations like these
you reckon ?
yeah i reckon, just not as often, maybe
okay, you know where i am if you need my advice
yeh, i do

just do your step4 then day at a time
cinch by the inch
and
DONT LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD

i did, now i fear the consequences tomorrow

yeh well like you said, i'll always be there
patiently waiting, its just a matter of time
you aint gonna get them steps done
and your pride will kill you

Shut the fuck up

First things First

Though our decision was vital and crucial step, it could have little
permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous
effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves
which had been blocking us. P64 Alcoholics Anonymous

It doesnt say if you get time after youve blogged of an evening
I need to get on with it
Its a programme of ACTION, not thinking, blogging or talking

Blogging wont sort my thinking out
Blogging wont keep me sober
am getting into analysis, paralysis
am bored already of my insane behaviour of late
and listening to the sound of my own thinking, composing
unravel by means of procrastination, avoidance & analysis if you like

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Change or die

Justfukindoit