Coming Down from the Holiday...

The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. P152

Even though my holiday
has not actually been celebrations in the conventional sense
it has been out of the usual routine
Many "firsts"
I have spent time with many friends
that I have never spent Christmas/New Year with
enjoyable
relaxing
doing
feeling
chilling
listening
exciting
acknowledging how I am doing or not
acknowledging how I am being or not

Yep am feeling the usual
back to work
is that it?
now what?
must arrange a heap of social stuff
must do
must do
must do
yet this is a trap!
Intuitively I know this ...

busyness does not lead to contentment
it is doing in a useful sense
without resentment
that changes the way I feel
as opposed to doing pleasing stuff as a fix really
or under obligation
or as an impulse reaction due to tiredness

Am I Hungry?
Am I Angry?
Am I lonely?
Am I Tired?

To go against the feeling
I am lacking
not doing enough
spiritual pride that I am not doing, yet others are, therefore I am lacking
and just
"Be still and know You are God" Psalm 46:10
take time to pray and listen
ask some questions
what Is Your Will for me this year/week/today?
what is You Will for me in the workplace?
at home
in my family
at church
friends

"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63

Where do I fallshort at present?
What do I need Gods help with
What can I do for myself and am not?
What do I need God to grant me willingness to do?
What do I need to surrender absolutely?
What defects were at play in 2009
what do I need to ask God to work on
What do I need to let him work on
How do You want me to spend my time?
Do I need to stop anything?
How are my relationships?
What am I fearful of?
What is my experience of the outcome of that fear?
Is it False Evidence Appearing Real?
Has my fears come true?
Or has God provided what I needed?
What do I need to discuss wiuth another person?
Which is the most appropriate person?
Dont know? Then ask God please put them in my path...

Pray Earnestly
remain Open
and Listen
Hear

Mondays stuff

Alarm went off 5.30
I snoozed it, til 6.50
Then nearly gave up cos I now would be late
Err late for what?
Late for the meeting of course...
So theres no point in going is there
Can you see how my heads going?
Talking me out of antythung
Dragged myself out of bed at 6.15
Stressing I would be late
Feeling the same physical chest pains
Cant breathe properly
Whats this? Like a panic attack? I dunno?
I get this every day pretty much..
Week days
An now I am feeling it, just about going to a meeting
More about NOT getting to the meeting ate
See now I see how really sick I am!...
Afraid of being late for a meeting...

See last week
I realised that I have to change my attitude before anything will change
And I see that praying and willingness is just now enough
Doing the chair last week at the early meeting
It was effortless getting there
See I was giving, I had a purpose
That was not about money or ego
Over the weekend, I sat in meetings
Where I am looking to move to and realised that
Its time for me to take/receive again from our
Huge loving fellowship
Receive unconditionally
Friendship in the new area, stability
5 years sobriety... means nothing
On this portion of my life
I need help i a different way to early recovery
But the meetingas and fellowship
Will do for me what I cant do for myself
In the new area I am making friends already!!
And I haven’t even moved down yet!
This morning I got to the meeting about 7.45
Late! Yeh and then obsessed about whether I would get to work on time
See the dishonesty and fear... that drives me
Nowhere in my head di I say well done for getting there to myself!
Mtng finishes at 8.30 I went and got toast and was at my desk 8.45
15 mins early AGAIN...
AA and the meetings are there for me, its my turn to lean on it
I cant get to work on time
The meetings will helps me...
A Power greater than myself!

Flowers and Stuff

I have been retrainting my tongue
at work... in that not
not expressing my feelings
just baring a few facts
I have recently talked feelings
and its ok sometimes
but really I dont like it..
its what many people do in the workplace
talk about life and defect driven stuff
well the stuff I blog and step 10 really
sometimes I take part for a few moments
during work time and then after
it dont sit right
a) cos the person I have told really just wants a chat with anyone
b) I dont want to talk this stuff through during work
c) its my business and open offices are not private
d) if I didnt work with them, I wouldnt be chatting with them

Anyway today, I am quiet
just getting on with it
quieter than normal someone said..
no I didnt go into it...

yeh I have some decisions to make
life changing
it will get confusing and challenging
I need to be quiet
let the mind and body and spirit
process it...
its not all about moving action
sometimes the action is to listen and quiet
draw some faith and patience

anyway, praying on stuff like
and seeing again
its not the people I am resentful at
its the situation
and its my attitude in a situation
driven by fear or selfishness or self will
or and all...
I can kid myself its the people I resent
but its actually the situation
the people vould be anyone
its the situation
and why?
Because I dont know how it will be (self will)
and through lack of faith
and feel I will not be looked after (fear)(self will)
and I will not be able to cope (self will)
same old stuff
financial insecurity
personal relations
self esteem
ambition

But you know when your getting out
living the spiritual life
this stuffs always gonna come up
same old same old
whats the alternative
convent... nah man
theres only so much praying and isolation
and listening to my own breeathing
being on the outside
is infinitely more interesting
and definitely Gods will for me
right now

doing some study reading this week
risk management
mental loafing leads to scheming!

and yes I always have a choice
turn towards or turn away

yet as I now realise
I choose to pick up the cross
or not
and if I am doing what seems to be Gods will
then I just turn up, do it and take care

just like jesus did
he was afraid and resentful
when he knew his time was nearly up
yet even with the promise of eternal life
he still cried
and yeh he too had a choice
he could have run away at any time
but he didnt
he waited around and continued to continue
keep turning up

no I dont think I am Jesus
but I do think
that when I choose to turn towards (step 3)
and continue to continue (step 6)
any lengths
then it is picking up the cross and walking
trudging into the unknown ... with faith
painful fearful faithful and grateful

I guess baby flowers if they think
like me that is...
must wonder what rain (Fear) is when they first get it
and it must hurtand be abit scary
and they think they'll be snapped
or drowned by floods, (pain) especially when your an inch high
eventually I suppose cos the other flowers
and inch high shoots just sit there (faith)
they do too and wait
and then become(grateful)
because without the rain, they would die
and not worry no matter how much rain comes!
or perhaps flowers are perfectly faithful..

God show me

Simon & Garfunkel - Flowers never bend with the rainfall

Change & no coincidences

I am changing
and I dont know what into
I giess myself
I am angry at the moment
I cant stop moaning
about my perfect life!
well others see it as perfect
and I just want shut up
and talk all at the same time!
sometimes I think PMT is a liability
and sometimes its an asset
as how I really feel about people places and things
comes out and I cant hide!
and I have the change to
take stock and change

Something weird's going on
surreal night at home group
for 3 or 4 reasons
today was unreal too
dont know whats going on
everythings changing
and staying the same at the same time

whatever
is it a full moon or something?
I dont like it when I predict something
and it happens
even if its a good thing
its like being plugged in to this God stuff
and so is a few other people
yeh we are all one
some are more in tune than others

Hand in Hand with the spirit of the universe

God you are
we is
all are and is
at the same time
And Acceptance is the answer...

Asking for help - Getting honest - Step 6

I have bounced again
you know bouncing along the bottom
not on drinking sober drinking sober
on this mornings and nights thing
not going to bed not getting up
staying up unnecessarily
kidding myself I am enjoying
really I am metal loafing
stying in bed til its too late
then beating myself up
because I didnt go to bed
and am knackered again

I have asked a few people I know
who do have regular bedtimes
and up times
what times they do it
seems normal people on a worknight
go to bed 10ish sleep by 10.30ish
and up 7am

seems a long time to be in bed to me!
but then what do I know
they have what I want... I dont!

Feels like I need to almost go back
to the treat me like a child
go to bed and lay down at the same time
each night even if I am not tired!
and no getting up no matter what!!
retraining for something that
seems a lifetime away
or that I have not had since ... ? age 5
I am sure my parents put me to bed
at reasonable times and regular
and got me up as a young child
however I did start living in hought and fantasy
from a young age
so going to bed at any time didnt stop the head
from thinking... til all hours
thinking takes up valuable sleeping time

anyway
I am really not happy with all this
I cannot say now I am afraid
to go to work
really not really
occasionaly
but more often than not

I am just not going to bed
or giving any thought
to the fact that I go to work
and have a time to be there
it just doesnt seem important
I have a flippant attitude
and am playing the poor me i cant get up card
to myself and others
and its not sitting right

I am self centred
selfish
self seeking
slothful
self will run riot
and very dishonest
in this area
its true

I once was sick
and neeeded tolerence
now I am getting patience and tolerence
and i am not even trying

Why am I staying up late?
am i productive?
Do I have anything even like real to show
like watching a tv programme
or engrossed in a good book?
no not really
mentally loafing
yeh I read spiritual books or whatever
and consider it good
but I dont go to bed and read
I see going to bed as a chore
and getting up and a chore

I have heard my thoughts go...
it'll be different
..when you move
..when you have a train to catch
.. when you are near the sea
.. when you are happier
BULL SHIT!!

Change has to starts now...

I am bored of being me in this area
I am bored to listening to myself
I dont want to be like this in 3.5 years
I dont want to be like this
Its not how I intended it to be
and yet it is

Time to take action
AGAIN

Step 6 - willing to give these tools
a honest attempt on another area of my life
do I mean business?
do I want to recover from this
behaviour that
affects me mentally physically and spiritually?

God help me... please
please give me willing ness
and the power to carry it out

Gossip Kills

I fell into the trap of taking inventory and commenting
on a recovering alcoholic who is in the news
on my blog this week
And now I dont feel good

I took his inventory
I took the Steps inventory
I took ALL old timers inventory
I became disillusioned
and suddenly became afraid of long term sobriety
what has it really got to offer ?
does his recent actions mean the steps dont work
Does something happpen and it all changes
What happens to old timers?
Oh My God

Well I have to be honest

I cant be the only one who has ever thought it
And as I have thought it before and I will think it again
GOD help me

The fact is
I dont know if he did the steps
I dont know if he did it thoroughly
I dont know if he continues, improves and passes it on
I dont know if he comes to AA
I dont even know him

So I need to Mind My Own Business
This programme is working for me
When I work it
I need to get on with my own recovery
and get off my self righteous hilltop
stop being arrogant
and leave the poor B*s*t*rd alone
in fact leave everybody alone

God knows will I ever get to long term sobriety ?
I have no idea
Well then... get on with today
and Shut up!

my teeth hurt (am gritting them)
God Bless you all, and I wish you all well

F**kit

I said Shut up
End of!!

Personal relations - recent Progress

What happened is that
another pedestal and old idea
has come down, it crashed on Friday
I feel so much better

I have been wrestling with this pig in my head
for a few weeks now, refusing to put it
on paper

As soon as I did I felt humbled
Another teachable moment where I had
Got it all wrong, what seemed perfectly
rational, I had sussed the defect in my head
and was dealing with it appropriatelly

On paper it became clear it was a completely
different defect, that was driving this
wrestling match

I have had to stop taking other people inventory
ie 2nd guessing again why they are behaving the way they are
around me, even though its positive behaviour
I always assume I am the underdog
in need of a leg up
and why arent they assuming that same old position
of footstool

Today I feel different
today i am already up
and i couldnt see it
I am myself
I am enough
It has worked
it is working
it will continue to

people behave diffently towards me now
because I am different

I hadnt really understood what was had occurred
until Friday evening in a Step 6 meeting
am still shocked by this and suprised
pleasantly
there are no coincidences
I forgot about this step

Step 6
Were entirely ready to have God remove
all these defects of character
Well am I? am I still willing?
what defect is it this time ?
-that means, letting go of an old idea that around certain people
I will always be a lustful and self seeking
-if i wont, that means, I do not trust this process
-that means, I have not handed all my difficulties over
I am holding something back
-that means I need to take a step back to Step 3 on something
still didnt feel right
yeh on this difficulty I needed to go back to step3
and then take inventory

Step 6 = I have to be willing to let go of them all
it doesnt say when or how its about being willing
God I could go on for hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did let go and took inventory again
It showed me that I was wrong about the
defects that have been driving this recent wrestle
My thinking is so unreliable
Fear holds me back
Self will is disastrous left inside my head

Take inventory
Its alwasy easier to take someone inventory
inventory showed me
What I was unwilling to do was accept I would ever
make any progress around someone
No longer were the same defects driving me
I thougt they were, again I cannot rely on my thinking

It was simply fear = of progress of the unfamiliar
and self will = this person wasnt assuming the position
of fixer I was usd to and i didnt like that cos this
new stuff seemed unfamiliar, therefor it must be a problem

I couldnt see. I have made progress
Taking inventory has very positive effects

the Power of God and using the tools
God has done for me what I couldnt do form myself
Sorry and all that, I got it very wrong God
Lack of faith in your power

Now I have a message of recovery
My primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics
Whether on a blog or in a meeting or anywhere
end of

Gods response... in a gentle but firm voice
Johno just continue to be yourself
its enough, no need to be afraid
Do not be discouraged
Progress not prefection
Keep on keeping on

ok, i will

Moment of clarity

Got a warm feeling of gratitude today
Grateful to have choices
for a freedom
for a moment of clarity
my thinking is not the root of the problem
my defects are
giving time time to sink in
thinking my thinking is the root...
is also acting out out on my defects
it doesnt say
...ready to have God remove our thinking
gift to be enjoying my current security
gift to enjoy making my home comfortable
decorating it myself
researching & doing
new carpets
am worth it... another gift
have friends
have job
am of use
this is a gift
having a relationship with a loving God
is taking time to get used to
but its so worth the effort
no i dont understand it
no i am not sure if i get it right
it dont seem to matter
just keeping on

Happy January

Warm Feeling... The only other warm feeling
was at the end of an evening and couldnt get to a bathroom

There but for the grace of God Go I

And I just switched to New Blogger...
...and lost all my links
... enjoying the adventure