Schools out - Time to clean house - take my own inventory - do not delay

Exam over
Prayed before
God said we-re ready
so I asked for his words
in his order
and about 25mins left
I went blank, 1 question to go
I went to the toilet mide xam
and prayed again for the words again
and wrote for another 20...
I am happy with it all

This has been an amazing experience
I will have a look back over the blog posts
at somepoint
I would not have missed any of it for the world
and would not exchange
1 shot of anything
for even the darkest
and hairaising bad hair moments!!

But Wednesday is now history
I have thinking time now
life is slipping in
head stuff I have dealt with
but not with the zeal i would like to have done
now I have
I have to take responsibility
time to take inventory
pray
and share with another human being
and keep praying
and keep taking inventory
and keep praying and keep taking inventory
and keep on
we have a daily repreive

I have been blessed in so many ways
and have faith this will continue
but thats not enough the work will never be over
although this is NOT a complaint
its a way of life
the basic deal is I stay sober in return for
handing my will and my life over
I need take daily inventory
and do some gratitude lists
all that I have done in the last 5 months
was enough in the last 5 months
but I cannot afford to and
do not want to rest on my laurels
thinking its going to see me through even one day

I already seen I had to change my lifestyle
and meetings and everything
Octiber to january which was hard
but exciting at the same time
pink cloud like
the last 4 months
and that was painful...
having to change again
even the stuff that was Good...
and now I have to be prepared to change again

You cannot give away what you havent got
right now
I am a little empty
so I am off to sit with a blank sheet and a pen
rather like I did on wednesday
this time ask for honesty
and tell him the truth
and ask for help on something
I dont understand
let go

I love that we have this program
this toolkit

God thank you for showing me what I am capable of
20 years of thinking about this course
We finally made an excellent start
I am so grateful

Prison service tomorrow
I am looking forward to it :)

and I am starting to accept
letting go and not knowing
on a much deeper level
a much deeper level

theres no love like your love
and no other
could give more love

Bryan Adams yo maybe didnt sing this with God in mind
But today I sing it with God
in my mind
Its true, no human could give what
been given so reliably
by God!

Take me as I am
take my life
I'm giving all
I'm a sacrifice
But theres nothing I want more
You know its true
everything I do
I do it for you
..God
..and no other
could give me more love
theres no where
unless your there
all the time
all the way



I fight for you
I lie for you
walk the wire for you
I die for you
Everything I do
I do it for you
(the great you thats EVERYTHING)
the greater Good, that is God
step3 again...

Satisfactory

The most satisfactory years lie ahead

Yesterday
Collected my chip :)
and had my mums money from the will
drop in my account
that bit finally sorted
now I have to get through my brothers flippancy
and my fear
More prayers required
out of comfort zone on Saturday
coming down from this Pink Cloud
I feel rather quiet
Rather tearful
Rather want to run and dive under the duvet
sorting my mums money is not over yet
its just the start now
(a day at a time)
Home Group tonight
then do the world and myself a favour
and go to bed
Well thats the plan
H.A.L.T.

I also need to selotape my mouth up
for the next week or so
I can feel a load of self will and control freakishness
coming my way
Intolerent today
with one who says one thing and does something else
She says she is not working it...
because she didnt call me!?
what she means is she's not doing
the suggestions, her step work, perfectly!?
everyday
therefore she calls that "not working it atall"
therefore she feels she is worthy of a slap
therefore all suggestions I gave
just dig that knife she has in herself a little deeper
and resentment builds cos
she is doing it and just didnt tell the truth
that she was doing some stuff

Why do WE ALL beat ourselves up and believe
in our heads that others will bash us
for anything less than perfection ?

I Turned into the Anti Christ for a short time
Reminding myself and her of my role in this
Just the messenger
She does the work
Her recovery is her responsibility

what I am and what I am not
I dont feel good
I dont like confrontation
I have to honour this again
And let go of self will and fear again!!

Coping with the ordinary, satisfactory
Is something I need to practice
I dont know how much leash to give
and when not to
I was reminded over and over what I needed to do
Instead of saying I know, I just thought it
and then I said ok
and then later glad for the reminders
even though I know, I need reminding

Oh well, I can only try
Am working with people, just like me
slippery fish

Grateful for not listening to my head
and running away from it all

This too shall pass

I am just where am supposed to be.

Did i expect all my difficulties & defects to disappear, just because I was about to be 2years sober ? well supposed the way I have been feeling the last few months. yes. DUH!!

Get real its quality not quantity, you can still be an ass at 2 or 20 years sober

My blogs, prove how much I need to learn more abt the AA programme.

There are no days off.

How i can always improve on how i do it, theres always an element of self will that needs to be eliminated.

I do suffer from grave emotional & mental disorders.

"Working" with another alcoholic ALWAYS lifts my self obsession.

I need to act abit faster, spare the rest of the world from johno's fear & self pity.

I am grateful for
Remembering my last drunk tonight
Not drinking today
Getting to work
Being honest today
Going to the best meeting i could find tonight
talking with all the newcomers there, even the ones that scared me
keeping it simple
not getting a resentment when I didnt get to share
being nuts with the well people today
letting the well people remind me that it HAS been a good day
turning up
doing my lousy best
finishing my list of all people I have harmed.....
being willing to make amends to them all
accepting that it says am i willing...
admitting to myself that am scared i will be the one that it dont work for
being willing to do it anyway
having a toilet that works
Chester having a great parent
Blue's BB quote for me
peoples comments on my blog over the past few weeks
being part of a fellowship thats given me more than i could ever have dreamed
other peoples patience
Yeh ok for having a sponsor that manages to kicks my ass by saying nothing
having a sponsor that tells me the ego puncturing truth about me
not sulking when i got told my behaviour isnt acceptable
doing what i have been told to do, even though its hard
having people around me that give me what I need, not what i want
me accepting that the above is whats best for me, if i want to grow up
wanting to grow up
seeing how dishonest i have been with my ex partner
seeing how i got no idea how to do people
wanting to get out of my head, end this isolation
not knowing am not out yet, but believing it just might happen...someday
accepting my sink of washing up is is no big deal
being willing to make accept my imperfect self abit
not caring how long this gratitude list is
being grateful for being grateful

You have given me so much, i need to keep coming back to be reminded where i have come from, because I forget quickly.

The only things I know for sure TODAY is that I am an alcoholic & there is a solution which works, when i work it. (and doesnt when I dont)

Great Spirit, its time, am ready to take your hand and walk with you once more, blind faith.

I just remebered the Fork :-)

Yep its true, I got on the wrong flight

Was on full flight from reality. I misread todays "higher power", it was self will & arrogance in disguise. Fuelled by lack of sleep & projecting out of today. Predicting the future, living in a fantasy. Who do I think I am ? God. Get back into today, you got work to do. This might sound hard, but i get easily distracted and my head loves to project & i really am bored with disapointments. I really dont like thinking I know better than those who do.

Today after staying up til 3.45am doing step8 and getting a call at 7.45am from someone who relapsed last night. And something else, i had lost track of reality. Thank God for Step1 meeting and the still hungover to bring me back to earth.

I have had some hours today listening, speaking on a 1-1 and in meetings and on the phone about the insanity, the powerless, the strange mental blankspots, that tell us it'll be different this time.

The fact for most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost th epower of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes nonexistant. we are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. we are without defense against the first drink.
Page 24 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots.
P42 big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Once More: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defnse. His defense must come from a Higher Power.
P43 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous.

We have no mental defense, i do have a higher power. I am grateful, but thats not enough.

The spiritual life in not a theory. We have to live it.
P84 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Back to basics for me. Just for now, easy does it but do it. Step8 & suggestions. HALT Do it.

Am gonna use the bus for the next 24 hours, its nearer the ground.

I got scared tonight about my results (tuesday) projecting

I felt selfish this morning for dragging my heels wi steps & "not being available as sponsor" generally, not specifically for this relapser, this morning just made me look how damaging to others procrastination can be, from "an entirely different angle" from the point of view of others.

Landing the Airbus

Bizarre this feeling, now in the final week, of 24th months of continuous sobriety, was reading back at 2years ago journal

"Got invited to party where i knew there would be drugs, i got very little boundaries towards sexual stuff, and was very feared up where it would lead. Isolating at home, on my own, with my vodka that that final Saturday may have saved my life getting even more fecked up. I went back to bed for the afternoon and slept. Woke up at 8.30pm and started drinking, too late to go out anyway, thankfully. Sunday, did the same alone.

Last year cant find what i wrote, strange that.

2 years ago, at this time, i was totally in the darkglasses, trying to get off the ground, self made chocolate wings, about to jump of a cliff and try to fly towards the sun...

1 year ago, realised that a flying machine is the easier softer way. Chose a small plane, just big enough for me n Sponsor, I stuck my Sponsor in the driving seat, me hanging on to one wing by my fingernails, very unbalanced it was, shaky, and yet i still asking if its safer in the plane or hanging on the wing. I didnt quite believe it was safer in, i always survived living on the edge.

Today, I chose an airbus, the new one, biggest one, as for the pilot, well you cant see the pilot, NOPE you cant, but we definitely have one... its Higher Powered. Full on trust, has too be with 421 tonnes, flying through the air, without a parachute. Brace position an option that I choose not to adopt today. Engine temperature reaching 1/2 the temperature of the sun, no room for chocolate on this flight.

How do you land that thing then? Without Fear, Johno's coming down to land, runways in sight, couple of Home Groups and Phone service slot on the way down, 22 wheels down, or will we just carry on, why land, its great up here, we got lots of unlimited airtime each day, refuelled by trust & action, why land? how about carrying on, keeping on. Theres a bit of turbulence, a few bumps in the airpace, forcast for Tuesday, but no big deal. DONT WORRY.

Keep on keeping on, turn up, go to anylengths, trust your higher power, give freely of what you find, talk wi newcomers, do the suggestions and clean house. Ok I will.

I just found out, THIS airbus has the hugest cargo area, and its got one thing in it.... A rocket!! am gonna check it out.

Is this what deluded thinking is ? Ought I resume the Brace postion ? is "The unflattering imperfect truth" TODAY that am on full flight from reality ?

Am going to a meeting, by BUS, get grounded

here goes

What I am suffering from is 'disillusionment'. this is my chance to learn how to deal with this. Its part of growing up and replacing expectations and idealism with THE UNFLATTERING AND VERY IMPERFECT TRUTH. And then accepting life as an IMperfect entity. if its not honest, it will cause me pain. End of. Thank you Sponsor.

At least I know now, gonna pray to be shown what it means now, pray to be shown the where am disillusioned, pray for the UNFLATTERING & VERY IMPERFECT TRUTH.

The truth always sets me free. Its true. Even if i dont like it. Thats it, all bets are off once i do that prayer. This is a real trust that my Higher Power will NOT give me more than I can handle..... Gonna sleep on that prayer. Not sure am 6&7 on disillusionment and the rest tonight.

I want the rose tinted specs to be off, i started to lift them up, for a few minutes at a times recently. Seeing the world & its people for what it is. I really don’t want to. But my fantasy world in my head is not very enjoyable anymore, I want to play outside now, see it what its really like, see if its true what you all say....that its ok really.

Give myself a choice to stay in or go out of my head, each day seems sensible choice to give myself. But I have to experience the outside first, in order to tell my head that I don’t want to be in there. I want to know what its really like outside myself. But I have to wait to finish step8 first.

Exciting stuff. I never been out there, not really out there, is there anybody out there?

Bit of a Maths problem going off today triggered off by my share this afternoon. Am on step8, theres 12 steps in the programme. I thought I only had 4 to do, but the truth is i got 5, because I havent finished 8 yet. That means 5 from 12 is 7, one above 6. That means i only just over half way through the programme. In my head, i was 3/4 of the way through. I told you my heads full of shite. (erm would that be disillusioned even? huh what was that... I DONT REMEMBER SLIPPING A QUICK PRAYER IN THERE, God/HP you are so funny. NOT :-)

The truth re the maths is NO your not finished yet Johno, no where near, its a 12 step programme, not 7+1/2. Get on with it, suffering is optional, but it becomes more likely the longer I balking on the steps. Even if I do feel happy joyeous and free, theres still room for improvement, look at last nights grand performance. You Drama Queen.

Grateful to the point of considering handing out sick bags in meetings at the moment. Is this real what am feeling or is my gratitude deluded? I dont care, i like it.

Step8 am half way through the 3rd column & the final column, half way through, thats HALF FRICKING WAY THROUGH.... keep on keeping on, keep on keeping on, keep on keeping on until told otherwise. yeeeeey

Bring it on

Today
I accepted myself what is, what I do, who I am
I accepted what I used to find unacceptable
I didnt beat myself up
I took longer to hand it over this morning
I Handed it over
I prayed in the bath
I got to work late
I got all my work done
I got extra work done
We flicked rubber bands at each other
I drank lots of green tea
I Had fun at work
I laughed lots
I didnt succumb to my chocolate craving
I had no desire to drink
I left ontime without guilt for being late
I accepted my job was done today
I got to meeting early
I listened to my head and didnt share
I asked people for coffee
I shared my gratitude
I shared my tears
I shared my experience of what a Power Greater than myself is doing for me
I feel a new freedom
I feel gratitude for my best thinking that got me in here
I feel love for the me that kept on, pre fellowship
I fitted myself to to be a part of a magical world I am present in

I love whats happening to me

Bring it on