Forgiveness

Without Forgiveness we die inside

Help us to share our scars our wounds with others, it is more than empathy, it is a fellowship in suffering, a band to one and other. The knowledge that another understands our pain can be liberating. The pain may not go away, but suddenly it becomes bearable.

If love is the greatest power on the face of the earth, then forgiveness is the second greatest. Without forgiveness we die inside. With it, the memories may still be there, but we can at least begin to move on.

We may blame others for our own or our prodigals rebellion, for being judgemental when they should have been more supportive. For abandoning abusing us or them when they should have supported or comforted us. But we must forgive them, we must no matter what, we must stop nursing a hurt, we have to let it go, we must forgive, or we die inside.

If we feel shame for living wildly, thoughtless, selfish behaviour. We can repent (become willing to change) ask Gods forgiveness, we can start to make that journey home.

Forgiveness allows us to go on loving and to feel loved again.

Bringing home the prodigals - Rob Parsons

It is not for us to sit in spiritual pride
refusing to accept forgiveness, grace of God
and our family & continue with out guilt
It is not for us to continue feeling rejected
isolated, bitter & pushing ourselves
and others away even when we are forgiven
Our legalism towards ourselves only
puts up the fences which forgiveness
is trying to take down

I am finding my training programme
in my journey into ministry,
hugely humbling, transforming, liberating
ego puncturing
spiritually I am growing
My love for God and other humans is growing

Though fearful of what people think of my past
yet In Gods eyes I am forgiven
Getting vulnerable is tiring yet essential
Its one thing confessing all in a step5
its another doing it in an interview setting
in which will be read by many
which I may be questioned on
over and over in the next few years
Highlights my shame is still there
yet the lack of shock I receive from these people
the acceptance, the encouragement
moves me to tears

My experience strength and hope
is Gold to someone else
it is not enough to pass it on only in AA
not everyone who has experienced
what I have experienced
will walk through the doors of AA

My job is to be of maximum helpfullness
if I can give any hope to anyone
then I have to go to anylengths
Confess all my stuff
and leave it to God

So far they have not said no...
and neither has God

Being forgiven over and over
being accepted over and over
being encouraged over and over
being given opportunity over and over
being pushed into the limelight
is killing me to the point of tears
maybe I needed killing
letting go absolutely
letting go of the corner of the towel
letting myself be changed
being willing to conform to Gods will
accepting it all is hard work

good grief

Feeling like am becoming a puritan
and then I fall short... thank God

feeling like I have no idea how to be responsible
I am not skillfull anough

getting up and keeping on
in this direction
its tough
yet I wouldnt miss it for the world
:-)

God equips the called
he doesn't call the equipped

People are kind and me i made progress

Its lovely when clients appreciate
what we do and send us presents
Today, we got a case of really expensive
Italian wine
Boss asked me how many I wanted
"I'll take 3 please"

Its bizarre how I can do this nowadays
Its not long ago infact its aboout 6 months ago
that I would have said no
or said yes and left it under the table at work
in fact I did that about 3-4 months ago
and not had any alcohol in the house
because it would shout at me or I would be scared

at the moment it seems to be ok
when if/it isnt i'll do something about it
Its not for me, I am under no illusion TODAY
and I plan to give some of it away
like when I go see people for dinner etc

Anyway nice to be appreciated sometimes

God and the first 100 AA members popped in today for
an update and gently but firmly asked....
"So the promises came true for you the Johno ?" Yeh I guess
"So have finally you stopped fighting anything and everyone?" umm yes
"So have you been placed in a position
of neutrality then around alcohol?" er yes seems so
"And your sane right ?" well i dunno on that one,
around booze, yeh seems it most of the time
"But your seldom interested in liquor?" you bet!!
"If tempted, Do you recoil from it as from a hot flame?" absolutely
"So you react sanely and normally, and it seems to have happened automatically?" yeh most of the time
"Hows that happened then?" I dunno, it just did the steps, came after Step 9
just like you said it would

"Thats right Johno...That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. its all there page P85" "You are just like us, not special or different see?"

you (the Great you) you are so right,
and I dont see my progress,

Thank for popping in Dudes!!
"Glad to see it still works Johno (When you work it),
now dont rest on your laurels mind, or there will be trouble"

ok

The "meeting after the meeting"

So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we bust into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. P132

I have just had a really enjoyable Friday evening

Left work at 5pm
Had done it all thoroughly
Went to the gym
Went to get some food
Went to home group early
"ready for the newcomer/still suffering,
even if its not apparant that there is any"
enjoyed time with friends, fellows, visitors
catching up with the weeks happenings
joys, discoveries, same old, progress, procrastination

In our meeting room we have a kitchen
and its still is the place
where allsorts of "stuff" is discussed
Aswell as what can I get you tea or coffee, I caught words like
Ferrets and birds eyes!! on my way to and from getting some tea
people were laughing

After the meeting
15 minutes for coffee and a chat
then off to the local cafe for a bite to eat, coffee and fellowship

Sometimes there are no newpeople
tonight was one of those evenings
The topics that come up when this happens are varied
One of them tonight was
what it was like
bad kareoke, puking on partners after a night out, incontinence
how much laughter was there
no longer afraid or wishing to forget, there is no need

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. P83

soo much laughter were we sober ?
about 7/10 one of us was post step 9
the others were somewhere between steps 1 and 5 also regular members
These are the Friday evenings I used to dream about
Nights like these, these fellows become more and more my friends
We open up, about what we like what we dont like
accept and then get the last train home
Tomorrow I will have no regrets or amends to make

I love my Friday home group
Its a right good Friday night out with me mates!!

a little gathering of men and women, happy in their release, and constantly thinking how they might present their discovery to some newcomer.P159

Oh yeh almost forgot about the actual meeting :-D
Step 7
Humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings
Its talking about our defects
Watch this space

Happy weekend all

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.P133

I agree. End of!!

All page refs Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Kindness

Kind. Is something I always "tried" to be
ie great effort was put in
I never got the "responses" from people
which I expected
so would get a resentment and sulk

Today I was called kind (more than once)
and thanked for my kindness today
I didnt even know that I was being kind
I just was

Its happenened without me noticing
I didnt have to put any effort in today

What I saw was "just doing my job"
Others saw as kindness

Its none of my business what was going
on in the heads of those who said it

All I know is that I am naturally a kind person
and by just doing the right things
ie in this instant "just doing my job"
without the self seeking motives
of recognition
I am now doing this kindness thing
without even trying
its no effort
I just am kind (I am not a saint)
The recognition thing happened
naturally aswell, but thats another post last summer

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for
us what we could not do for ourselves P84

This has happened as the result of these steps
This has happened as the result of listening
and doing what my Sponsors have suggested
This has happened as a result of being honest
openminded and willing (to do the next right thing)
this has happened as the result of cultivating
and growing a relationship of a loving Higher power
(one that wants the best for us all)
This has happened as the result of trusting the process

It works - it really does
I am changed and changing
I love this

Just doing my job isnt about just turning up and
being the angry doormat victim martyr anymore.
its about doing anylength, being of max helpfulness
whatever am asked todo, being in a job I can do
and or getting the training to do whats required to
do it... whatever it is... unless its illegal or
immoral... I work for them, I do not run the show.
By living this, we have more laughs at work
than I have ever experienced in any other job
and our respective line managers are more than happy
with our performance)

I laugh more than I have ever laughed
It dont seem like work
We often say
When does the real work start then ?
And I earn more than I have ever earned...

This is definitely a 4th Dimension am in
Its Life Jim, but not as you know it

thank you for all your comments the last few days

By the way
life isnt perfect
I have some areas of my
life which are unmanageable
Some of my affairs need working on
It IS all moving in the right direction
its all along way away from that
pityful demoralization not not too many years ago

I have absolute faith that as long as I
Keep on, keeping on, have faith in my loving HP
and use these Spiritual tools
ALL my problems, difficulties, defects, flaws
faults, sick bits, mental, physical, internal
external will be dealable with
one way or another

BUT it will be in Gods time NOT mine

Faith Without Works is Dead P14,P76, P88

Another lesson

Went away two weeks
make amends
take a holiday

read 3 books
(this is huge progress, as could read a paragraph
a few years ago, without mind wandering)
lots of prayer
lots of meditation
developing that vital sixth sense P85
all moving in the right direction

BUT self obsession kicked in after about 10days
Went to a meeting, shared
talked after with someone new
i felt, lighter

came back did usual
extra meetings, on the "hunt" for new people
gave lots away
now I feel like nothings touching me

Have moved up a gear
wings have streamlined

While away...
Had the Faith, did the prayer, meditation
Lots of answers came, as they tend too nowadays
But No-one to give it away to
no purpose...
I forgot Tradition 5 & Preamble

Lesson is, I did nothing "wrong"
I simply learned a truth by experiencing BOTH
Faith without works is dead P14, P76, P88
and Faith with works is very much alive
Nothing is in the big book by accident
Its in the book for a reason
Its NO coincidence its in there 3 times
Everything in the book was written by recovered/ing
for recovering alcoholics

To duplicate, with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a matter of willingness, patience and labor. P163

Now I know

Keep on Keeping on

page refs Big Book Alcolholics Anonymous

Ps I had the best holiday
which included
24hours away with my brother
this included
Table Mountain
Robben Island
the brother time was so special
we have never, ever been away just the two of us
This was such a gift

the gifts just keep coming
Thank you

We are sure.....

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free
P133

Its true
have been blessed with a happy heart

Thank you

Amends, well over half way through

before I started them, i felt like just amazing
transformation

now I feel stronger INSIDE
Like there are NO LIMITS
Freedom

You said over and over and over and over that
"It doesnt say anywhere in the AA literature that it works for everyone except me"

how long ago was that ?

you told me the truth

Blind faith has turned into an unshakeable Faith

What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved
to be the loving and powerful hand of God.
A new life has been given us or, if you prefer,
a design for living that really works.
P28

Honesty willingness and openmindedness

No longer spending time in the brace position, waiting for the plane crash!!

Good night

page refs - Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Analysis Paralysis v First things First

Whenever my sponsor tells me am analysing
My response is... well you did ask me how I am!!
I wouldnt have said if you hadnt asked
Thankfully it doesnt happen so much nowadays
(Usually when I have balked at inventory for a few days)

I posted not long ago
I have a tendency to blog instead of Step10 & pray
Even though the results of Step10 & prayer
Inventory, prayer and helping others is the X factor
Sharing my will and my life on a blog is not going to keep
me from alcoholic death or insanity

Taking Daily inventory
Prayer
Improving my conscious contact
and immersing my physical, mental self into step 9
Doing, not thinking

Last night I surrendered my will & my impatience over
Taken sponsors suggestion on trust re step 9
Had a nightmare in the night!!

Nightmares
Every single step, when i surrender to it
i mean every step, when i let go of predicting, manipulating
accept & just do, see what happens, keep it simple
I have a nightmares for little while

Nowadays I am grateful for them
For me its evidence I am in surrender mode
Honest, willing and openminded
For me I see it now as my UNconscious
processing the change, my mind still works even when I am asleep
Even if consciously I am doing the right things, prayer, inventory
to combat fear.... when I am asleep, I am powerless

This is a cunning baffling powerful illness
It absolutely does not want me to take this step
It knows its another step away from a drink
Not another step towards

Nightmares, unmanageability, physically sick
yeah I'll start the step when am feeling better!!!!!!!!!
HAVE YOU HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE?

I have, so am gonna crack on with step 9 regardless of how am
feeling, its a program of action.
Follow sponsors suggestions. Thats all!!

FIRST THINGS FIRST
I have to do this step
Step9 is "in line with" Gods will,
so I MUST exert every ounce of my will to do it
NOT blog.... If you catch me blogging,
ask me if am half way through my amends yet
Or just ignore my posts!!!!

Be ruthless, you have my permission
I want what you have
I did say I would go to any length
I still do & will

Let go Let God
God Bless
Johno

The Butcher-The Baker-The Candlestick Maker

Or perhaps it should be The Dentist,
The Plumber and the Carpet Fitter

one of the questions on the form
when did you last visit the dentist ?
my answer.....over 10 years ago

As I now believe there are no coincidences
Its not just because I am now solvent
and have money to spend on stuff
It started during step 7
A sense of knowing and taking action in what
to spend money on ie not fixing

At this stage of our progress we are under
heavy pressure and coercion to do the right thing.
We are obliged to choose between the pains of trying
and the certain penalties of failing to do so. P74

We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned
up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our
next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.
P84

I can continue to listen to by thinking (see below)
driven by my defects
Or take inventory, pray for defects to be removed
Have some faith and ask for help
in the right people Experts in their field

the carpet fitter and a plumber
both in my flat
and i've been to the dentist twice
all in the space of a few weeks

Did the research
Made decsions to do the right things,
let people in, to help me do things
the right things, cos i want to
not just because I need to

Before that I had lots of excuses
too skint in debt
to afraid to have anyone home
no idea what i wanted
to miserly to spend
to worried about what people think of me
already decided i would be ripped off
no reason to see these people
i would manage the way I was
wait til i really needed them
(in my opinion)
anyway my teeth are not as important
.... as carpets and decorating are they!?

Strangely
I made the decsion to see the dentist
no immediate pain or worries
just knew it was the right thing to do
(after a 10year gap) no pun intended!!
to spend money on my teeth
to maintain them seemed as important
as decorating, carpetting AND
maintaining my flat (plumbing)

Plumbing, also not essential
I could have managed longer
(in my opinion)

Again it seems that these things I have NOW
need to be maintained to a level
Flat, body, mind, spirit all need looking after
or they fall to pieces
The aging process will take effect anyway

But I will no longer use the excuses
that I have no time, I am too sick
I cant afford it, I cant take time off work,
I'll call them tomorrow, theiyll rip me off
it'll cost a fortune
not Gods will

And we have ceased fighting anything or
anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity
will have returned. P84

ALL that I have been given is a gift
I have choices today what I do
Or is it that I dont have a choice
... its just do the right thing
Its like resistance is difficult
Have stopped fighting anything and everyone
But havent bcome a victim

Dentist..... had a real scale and polish
more like excavate.... lots of stuff to pick out!!!
It took one check up 15 minutes and
less than half an hour treatment
1 filling, or coating no sure what its called
am sitting here with a fat lip, cheek and chin
no food or drink til and no longer numb!!!
yeah am dead lucky
thats all for 6 months
She gave me a plan
brush twice not once a day, or not atall
get a smaller toothbrush
.... cos my mouths very small (its true)
Teeth look a millions dollars
See what do I know!!!

Plumber
One days work inc sourcing the materials
Job done
Fear now gone
Suprised!

Carpet fitter
Great fun, flat now looks amazing
Did a room at a time as I decorated
over a period of a few weeks
helped me move furniture
job done, i just had to ask!!!

Decorating
Done by yours truly
Day, hours at a time, 3 rooms
Abit like step 4 needed doing thoroughly
But its so worth it!!!
So am I

.......40 minutes to go then I can eat

You said it gets better if i kept coming back
this IS all so amazing
Even in its ordinaryness

I coud not have done any of this before
God done for me what I couldnt do for myself
All I have to do was
Honesty, willingness and openminded
and keep turning up NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Oh yeh and i stopped at a wood furniture shop
on the way to dentist, to find out about having
some furniture made....

Someone once said that money WAS good for the soul
Now I do believe it

P74 AA 12 steps & 12 traditions
P84 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Entered the Realm of spirit, a 4th dimension

19th August 2003 I had my last drink

A failed attempt to control my drink & not get drunk
I rolled in abit earlier than now
my boss had commented on how glazed my eyes look
I could hardly walk up the stairs in the restaurant
I had embarrased my manager
I had got flirty with an someone i wouldnt have gone near sober
I didnt get off with who i wanted
incontinent
need i say more

This 3rd year has been all about letting go
Letting go absolutely
of
fixing on pornography
living in fantasy
sponsor
self will
homegroup
relying on humans to relieve my alcoholism
christmas (my old idea of)
self will
ideas of Gods Power
self will
ideas of the power of prayer
mum
ministers are inflexible
I will never be good at my job
Self will
having money will make me happy inside
ideas about my own abilities
Self will
ideas about whats possible
belief that am not good enough
ideas about Gods plan for me
in fact all my frikkin ideas !!

By making yet another decision to turn my will & my life over to the care of God (as I understand him)
Continue to take personal inventory
Pray loads
trust another sponsor
pray specifically for my defects to be removed
trust that God could & would if he were sought
Trust the programme
trust myself
Have Faith
Do the right things
Keep doing the right things
Follow the spiritual principles
Allow for imperfection
Forgiveness of self and others
Stay honest
Stay open mindedness
Stay very willing
Put my recovery first
keep turning up even when i really not sure why
Accept that i just am rubbish at predicting the future
Am grateful I cant (i would have had a restless, irritable & discontented year)

I tell you this has been the best ever yet

It says "If he is to find God - the desire must come from within" P95
The desire came last year
I really fought the feeling but had to eventually surrender to the fact
that for this alcoholic
No human power could relieve my alcoholism
Thats NO person
I threw myself at Him (God) absolutely
I had no choice
I just knew it was the answer
And it was
That was the year that was... all about me & God becoming friends
Me doing what seemed to be Gods will for me
Its been like ahem easier...
Almost like it was the "easier softer way"
Amazing GOD YOU ARE AMAZING

So to end on

The manager I embarrased 3 years ago tonight, he has seen me turn up to work & barely do work. we had many a chat but I just couldnt change.

The same man, I havent seen for 2 years, he left our company
he called my up 4weeks ago & offered me a job
a job that its now very obvious that I am good at & enjoy NOWADAYS
he & his colleague will pay me a very good salary
i have become useful & sought after
I have a reputation of being reliable
I have integrity am fully armed about the facts about my abilities in the workplace today
I told them my strong points & my flaws ...
and they still want me, the truth has set me free
They have are giving me everything I negotiated & more
I am giving them my imperfect & very humble hardworking self

I am an alcoholic
I doing the steps with a sponsor
An i got offered this job that in my heart I can do 90% of & the rest can learn, thats a combination of ALL my strongest points in my last 5 jobs and they'll pay me more than I ever earned before with potential for more
GOD IS AMAZING

It would be insane not to to go and do it...
I start September 11th...
A day also of quiet reflection for us all

I made a statement about a year and a half ago that I would NEVER have a gym membership again. I have had many, turned up for about 2 months & then had to pay for the rest of the year. This new job, has FREE membership for the gym/swim thats situated in the building for anyone that works there. God really does have a sense of humour :-) As always doing for me what I cant/wont do for myself.

When we drew near to Him, He disclosed Himself to us! P57
thats whats happened to me & its lovely

Am grateful for everything, everything

Am grateful I am now beginning to accept the things I cannot change, have the willingness to change the things I can, the courage to ask God to help me change what I cant & some wisdom & a fellowship to help me see the things that aren't be changed YET

Am going to bed. Tomorrow I will be 3 years & on day 1 again

Thank you for all those who posted while I havent been
Much appreciated
xx

All page ref Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) 4th Edition

I Have Faith

"The Lord is a good psychologist: he knows the way our minds run. Turmoil can be the Lord's way of tapping us on the shoulder and saying, 'Don't forget me.'"-- Eknath Easwaran

"It takes a lot of experience of life to see why some relationships last and others do not. But we do not have to wait for a crisis to get an idea of the future of a particular relationship. Our behavior in little every incidents tells us a great deal." Eknath Easwaran

"Patience can't be acquired overnight. It is just like building up a muscle. Every day you need to work on it." Eknath Easwaran

"Through meditation and by giving full attention to one thing at a time, we can learn to direct attention where we choose." Eknath Easwaran


Through all this week,
even though i needed some reassurance
my faith has been massive,
like never before

I now see why i am still here, not there

as the week has gone on
i have seen how cancer touches other family members
even though they havent got it
their sister has

we all get scared
we all behave different
misinterpretation
projection
selective hearing
paralysis

thank God I PAY ATTENTION
my fear of drinking...
yeah it would be very selfish wouldnt it
this too also passed

I made my amends last year to my mum
she wrote and asked for my forgiveness
for the bits she didnt get right
i have racked my brains for months
to see what she meant, which bits etc
finally talked it through with Sponsor
cos there is nothing i wouldnt forgive her for
but how do i say it...

yesterday i told her Yes I forgive her
and she told me that
it means alot to her
to have my forgiveness
and that she can now have a peaceful life
Sleep well mum I love you

Leave it be now Johno, let go

this morning i woke, with this calm, quiet
it wouldnt shake off
its eerie, surreal...

there are no coincidences

two more tests today
possible she goes home tomorrow
plan is to start chemo next week

Its a beautiful day

Thanks ODAAT Rex for introducing me to Eknath Easwaran

Thanks God for giving me a strength
that I am not even aware i have at times

My Mothers a Superhero

We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works. P28

It is a design for living that works in rough going. P15

My mum went into hospital for tests friday
today she was diagnosed with lung cancer
Its her third time, breast, bladder, now lung
she texted me the other day
"you have to be brave to want to grow old"
how true is that

When I told my family today, they just kept asking
why her, how much more can she cope with ?
I just could say, its her, because she can cope
and she will keep going until she is ready to stop
so we just keep going aswell

Am grateful today

that I am sober
part of a loving fellowship
that i was able to tell my mum i loved her
that i had a meeting to get to
that i could say no to doing a chair tomorrow
that i didnt expect to much of myself today
that i went back to basics
HALT, praying, meetings, talking, step10 ing

that i can cry & not feel sorry for myself
that i am able to feel emotional like a human being
that i am not the emotional cripple i used to be
that I can behave appropriately without hiding my pain
that I can take suggestions from newcomers
that i notice, my pride kicking in

that i was able to make my amends to my mum last year
that my mum and i regularly communicate nowadays
that I have had a few years now of loving this woman
for who she is, not what I would like her to be
that i can accept that although she is "our mum"
to me and my brother, she is "our mum" to a number of people
to accept she is a remarkable woman
My mothers a Superhero

Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. P102

I need to get myself in fit spiritual, physical & mental condition
Even though I have come down friday with an odd chest complaint
almost like i came out in sympathy!?!?!

Tomorrow, she will have brain & full body scans & biopsy
to see if its spread & what type it is
tomorrow we find out what the next step is

Keep on, keeping on
My job is to do the next right thing
Gods will, not Johnos

What happens next, depends on which way she wants to go
I want to be there to help her do it with dignity

Grateful for my Higher Power
Grateful for the strength of the fellowship
Grateful for the strength of bloggers
Grateful for the "kit of spiritual tools" p25
Grateful for Sponsors everywhere

God doesnt give us more than we can handle...
I have faith

All page ref's to Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous