Showing posts with label Personal Relations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal Relations. Show all posts
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Thursday, December 02, 2010
72 Hours after - racing round the the hole in the sand
Am telling you
there are no coincidences
why people are put in our paths
I feel so blessed at times
completely humbled and ungrateful
because I overlook
how much I have been helped
and how much better it is
to be honest
not vague
the hole in the sand
I have been racing round
I realise I have been protecting
the part of me that was crushed
and disabled at an early age
to such an extent that it
never stood a chance
it had no choice
I just bin protecting
guarding
building a fortress round it
and hoping for a miracle
waiting for my love to find
the soul it can be free with
Spending time recently with
special needs people has given me
an insight into how amazing
joyeous and loved and accepted
yeh a challenge at times aswell
I am sure
Special needs are
there are parts of us
human race and us ourselves
Special needs require
time, patience, love
nurturing, space, support
strength, awareness
listening,
we need other feedback to guide us
above in italics are not my words
but it really hit home
I feel upset when I see someone
being treated less than
protected, unable to try
miss opportunities
be treated differently
so why to I inflict all this
on a part of me that is special needs?
perhaps because I had no idea
that I was until today
Happy joyeous & free?
hmm not for this special needs part of me
Freedom would be finding out
asking for the truth
if the chemistry set appears to be out
and then exploring what unfolded
dealing with it piece by piece
regardless of whether
I read it right or wrong
not sitting wondrin
if this part of me will ever
know how freedom feels
Today I saw face to face
that I shut down
I dont wont explore
intimacy or what appears to be
intimacy when its not clear
whether its real or fiction
and I wont find out
through fear of getting vulnerable
rejected, abandoned
I have no idea how to
yet I did today
exploring a situation
rather clumsily though honestly
with an extremely patient saint
who I feel I tried the patience of!
came to see what i do/did/am doing
will not ask for clarity
fear of rejection
ego puncture
abandonment
so I just carry on
not knowing the truth and wondrin
and this disabled part of me
kind of waves, gagged up
shrugs and goes back to sleep again
feeling lost and ignored
unworthy and unable
what happened to my faith in
Keep on the firing line of life with
these motives and God will keep you unharmed P102
well I just never applied it to this
because I didnt know was my problem was
Am tellin you
I am knackered
didnt do much work today
as mind elsewhere
in virtual counselling session
in and out of tears
clumsily picking through
honestly and carefully
feeling gratitude to my mate!
yet fearful now, I got so raw
yet on the way home
I stopped off and spoke with
a friend I needed to clarity
on some comments he had made
which I needed to know the truth about
as our friendship could change
depending on what he meant
I went and asked him
he told me
and I pray
this is how its done
he was glad I had asked
I was glad I could ask
I was glad I could open up
get raw, vulnerable
and get it wrong :-D
wrong as in not the outcome
my loneliness part of me wanted
yet right in the where we are now
because it could really
have complicated everything
then I would have had to learn
how to have a relationsip!!!!
awwwwww noooo not yet.... ;D
practice practice
get into the habit of asking
I dont want to live not knowing
I want honest relationships
not blurry edges
I want to accept people as they are
and be accepted
that doesnt mean I dont care attitude
that means most people I meet thesedays
and I include myself in this
are at various stages of
problems
recovery
change
maintenence
enjoyment
in all walks of life
so I guess it means
getting real and open to grow
letting other get real
and somehow fitting in together
i dunno
Gone through varous extremes this week
including I dont want live anymore...
which indicates I reached a turning point
I am grateful to my teacher, listener
helper, guide, friend, spirit, God
who each helped
whats tomorrow?
I dunno, I am afraid tho... !
there are no coincidences
why people are put in our paths
I feel so blessed at times
completely humbled and ungrateful
because I overlook
how much I have been helped
and how much better it is
to be honest
not vague
the hole in the sand
I have been racing round
I realise I have been protecting
the part of me that was crushed
and disabled at an early age
to such an extent that it
never stood a chance
it had no choice
I just bin protecting
guarding
building a fortress round it
and hoping for a miracle
waiting for my love to find
the soul it can be free with
Spending time recently with
special needs people has given me
an insight into how amazing
joyeous and loved and accepted
yeh a challenge at times aswell
I am sure
Special needs are
there are parts of us
human race and us ourselves
Special needs require
time, patience, love
nurturing, space, support
strength, awareness
listening,
we need other feedback to guide us
above in italics are not my words
but it really hit home
I feel upset when I see someone
being treated less than
protected, unable to try
miss opportunities
be treated differently
so why to I inflict all this
on a part of me that is special needs?
perhaps because I had no idea
that I was until today
Happy joyeous & free?
hmm not for this special needs part of me
Freedom would be finding out
asking for the truth
if the chemistry set appears to be out
and then exploring what unfolded
dealing with it piece by piece
regardless of whether
I read it right or wrong
not sitting wondrin
if this part of me will ever
know how freedom feels
Today I saw face to face
that I shut down
I dont wont explore
intimacy or what appears to be
intimacy when its not clear
whether its real or fiction
and I wont find out
through fear of getting vulnerable
rejected, abandoned
I have no idea how to
yet I did today
exploring a situation
rather clumsily though honestly
with an extremely patient saint
who I feel I tried the patience of!
came to see what i do/did/am doing
will not ask for clarity
fear of rejection
ego puncture
abandonment
so I just carry on
not knowing the truth and wondrin
and this disabled part of me
kind of waves, gagged up
shrugs and goes back to sleep again
feeling lost and ignored
unworthy and unable
what happened to my faith in
Keep on the firing line of life with
these motives and God will keep you unharmed P102
well I just never applied it to this
because I didnt know was my problem was
Am tellin you
I am knackered
didnt do much work today
as mind elsewhere
in virtual counselling session
in and out of tears
clumsily picking through
honestly and carefully
feeling gratitude to my mate!
yet fearful now, I got so raw
yet on the way home
I stopped off and spoke with
a friend I needed to clarity
on some comments he had made
which I needed to know the truth about
as our friendship could change
depending on what he meant
I went and asked him
he told me
and I pray
this is how its done
he was glad I had asked
I was glad I could ask
I was glad I could open up
get raw, vulnerable
and get it wrong :-D
wrong as in not the outcome
my loneliness part of me wanted
yet right in the where we are now
because it could really
have complicated everything
then I would have had to learn
how to have a relationsip!!!!
awwwwww noooo not yet.... ;D
practice practice
get into the habit of asking
I dont want to live not knowing
I want honest relationships
not blurry edges
I want to accept people as they are
and be accepted
that doesnt mean I dont care attitude
that means most people I meet thesedays
and I include myself in this
are at various stages of
problems
recovery
change
maintenence
enjoyment
in all walks of life
so I guess it means
getting real and open to grow
letting other get real
and somehow fitting in together
i dunno
Gone through varous extremes this week
including I dont want live anymore...
which indicates I reached a turning point
I am grateful to my teacher, listener
helper, guide, friend, spirit, God
who each helped
whats tomorrow?
I dunno, I am afraid tho... !
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Money and spreadsheets
Even though i have worked in the
financial sector for ages
spreadsheets and money
do not come easily to me
infact i get bored
same as graph an bar charts
scatter graphs
and all the stuff excel does
makes me sleep
note to self
need a Treasurer when i get a church :)
Corps council minutes i find easy
i cam create minutes
write notes
hear whats been said
remember the meeting
and kind of relive it
all over again...
Is that a gift
or years of hanging onto
resentments, replaying
the day in my head over and over...
Pre step4-5
is this an old habit
put to good use?? :)
i think so :)
good day today
finding it hard to work with
someone who finds it hard
to work with other
wont follow a process
or cant follow a process
and is rigid thinking
its hard to work with
or even to work for
i have tried letting
them lead and i support
even though we are peers
nope that didnt worl
oh well
pray for them
turn up and communicate :)
with love
firmly
is firmly a word?
financial sector for ages
spreadsheets and money
do not come easily to me
infact i get bored
same as graph an bar charts
scatter graphs
and all the stuff excel does
makes me sleep
note to self
need a Treasurer when i get a church :)
Corps council minutes i find easy
i cam create minutes
write notes
hear whats been said
remember the meeting
and kind of relive it
all over again...
Is that a gift
or years of hanging onto
resentments, replaying
the day in my head over and over...
Pre step4-5
is this an old habit
put to good use?? :)
i think so :)
good day today
finding it hard to work with
someone who finds it hard
to work with other
wont follow a process
or cant follow a process
and is rigid thinking
its hard to work with
or even to work for
i have tried letting
them lead and i support
even though we are peers
nope that didnt worl
oh well
pray for them
turn up and communicate :)
with love
firmly
is firmly a word?
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Ego and Money - arrogance and greed
are these your drivers?
I have to say that
I have listened to these loud mouthed
defects, flaws, nuisances
at times
thankfully thesedays
I recognise them
not long after they infiltrate
Usually a feeling of uncomfortableness
follows after penetration!
Following them usually IS
The Road To nowhere
Its says
Well we know where we are going
but we dont know where we've been
feels abit
self willed to know where were going
and abit dishonest to not know where i've been..
I reckon God in all honesty
I dont know where i'm going
but I know where i've been!
and as soon after as possible
dig out the sting
and natural being and growth resumes
anyway I verging on digressing
God given skills
God provides
seek out the god given skills
and grow them!
and they will flourish
into a richness that no money can provide
and a fullness that no ego can bolster
Asked my lecturer to cast his eye over
my essay, like he offered to for us all
and he said on the whole covered what I needed
So I shall await the mark...
Preferring not to get into study huddles
and last minute fear driven desperate attempts
to get it RIGHT whatever right is...
apparantly there are no wrongs
its dependent upon your skillfullness
no we shall see
the hardest part WAS putting that first word
down on that blank piece of paper
taking a risk and allowing an opinion to form
We a few opinions are forming
all over the place
I think my skin is starting to thicken
as it must
the good is the enemy of the best
and as I see so often at work
and outside
ego and money are not good drivers
both linked with self will run riot
both are not about living in the present
both are not about needs
they are about wants
goodness is an inside job
and begins with honesty
More tough times at work
however and excellent review
better than the last
however I also received some
constructive feedback which I have
never received before and alwasy wanted
now I have it, I am not sure how to deal with it..
bizarre
I keep switching from
well it was a crap review then
to well it cant be because overall
the mark was better than the previous
and that was highly effective...
just the feedback is something to work on
Oh well I dunno!
off to pray
and sleep
hope the wind dies down
for the morning bike ride
I have to say that
I have listened to these loud mouthed
defects, flaws, nuisances
at times
thankfully thesedays
I recognise them
not long after they infiltrate
Usually a feeling of uncomfortableness
follows after penetration!
Following them usually IS
The Road To nowhere
Its says
Well we know where we are going
but we dont know where we've been
feels abit
self willed to know where were going
and abit dishonest to not know where i've been..
I reckon God in all honesty
I dont know where i'm going
but I know where i've been!
and as soon after as possible
dig out the sting
and natural being and growth resumes
anyway I verging on digressing
God given skills
God provides
seek out the god given skills
and grow them!
and they will flourish
into a richness that no money can provide
and a fullness that no ego can bolster
Asked my lecturer to cast his eye over
my essay, like he offered to for us all
and he said on the whole covered what I needed
So I shall await the mark...
Preferring not to get into study huddles
and last minute fear driven desperate attempts
to get it RIGHT whatever right is...
apparantly there are no wrongs
its dependent upon your skillfullness
no we shall see
the hardest part WAS putting that first word
down on that blank piece of paper
taking a risk and allowing an opinion to form
We a few opinions are forming
all over the place
I think my skin is starting to thicken
as it must
the good is the enemy of the best
and as I see so often at work
and outside
ego and money are not good drivers
both linked with self will run riot
both are not about living in the present
both are not about needs
they are about wants
goodness is an inside job
and begins with honesty
More tough times at work
however and excellent review
better than the last
however I also received some
constructive feedback which I have
never received before and alwasy wanted
now I have it, I am not sure how to deal with it..
bizarre
I keep switching from
well it was a crap review then
to well it cant be because overall
the mark was better than the previous
and that was highly effective...
just the feedback is something to work on
Oh well I dunno!
off to pray
and sleep
hope the wind dies down
for the morning bike ride
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Step 3 is required...
What usually happens? The show doesn´t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn´t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony? P61
This week
Financial insecurity
and a feeling like
what was is not working
therefor do not delay
and do something
about it NOW
Obviously self will says
well I am not doing anything
until I know
exactly how it will be
when I have done it
and pain & risk limitation
has been reduced to a minimum
Faith says
enough now
no need to know
do the right thing
not driven by fear
and self will
pray for patience and tolerence
pray for fear to be removed
pray for faith
pray for restraint of tongue and pen
pray for willingness
you will be ok
trust me!
House move is ticking along
ok this week
I am just realising that
a "relationship"
is just not working
the boundaries have changed
and the attraction
and motives at the beginning
have changed
dynamics etc
why am I staying in it?
financial security will
be jeapodised if I am out of it
I dont know what will happen
and I dont know if I will be able to cope
and I dont like pain
and I dont like to not know
what will people think of me if it goes wrong
what if
what if
what if
all familiar fearful
stuff that comes up in my step 10's
over and over!!
So I tried to change
other relationships
which are working
instead of addressing the one
which isnt...
get it?
therefore being the actor
who tries to control
the show
I am bringing confusion
all around
especially in my own head
More prayers
This week
Financial insecurity
and a feeling like
what was is not working
therefor do not delay
and do something
about it NOW
Obviously self will says
well I am not doing anything
until I know
exactly how it will be
when I have done it
and pain & risk limitation
has been reduced to a minimum
Faith says
enough now
no need to know
do the right thing
not driven by fear
and self will
pray for patience and tolerence
pray for fear to be removed
pray for faith
pray for restraint of tongue and pen
pray for willingness
you will be ok
trust me!
House move is ticking along
ok this week
I am just realising that
a "relationship"
is just not working
the boundaries have changed
and the attraction
and motives at the beginning
have changed
dynamics etc
why am I staying in it?
financial security will
be jeapodised if I am out of it
I dont know what will happen
and I dont know if I will be able to cope
and I dont like pain
and I dont like to not know
what will people think of me if it goes wrong
what if
what if
what if
all familiar fearful
stuff that comes up in my step 10's
over and over!!
So I tried to change
other relationships
which are working
instead of addressing the one
which isnt...
get it?
therefore being the actor
who tries to control
the show
I am bringing confusion
all around
especially in my own head
More prayers
Sunday, August 24, 2008
We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.P133
I am coming to realise
that people do not understand
how the heck I am like I am
thats AA's and not AA's
its pretty frustrating
at times
when all i do
is ask God what he wants me to do next
listen and then do
sometimes its absurd
sometimes it isnt
I take action
the doors shut by themselves
when its not Gods will
There is oly certain people
I can say to
Moving somewhere
because God gave me the idea...
sounds pretty absurd
but its true
I have put in the action
the doors are just opening
so far!
Finding peace and help the stil suffering alky..
its enough for now!
Its about looking outside the
restricting view of life
I can have so easily
I can live anywhere
do anything
if i put the work in
freedom
So many people
walki around feeling like
spiritial life and or religion is the way forward
and for some it is
i do not agree that either has to be a life
of suffering
I feel like I have already
been to hell and am now in heaven
simply by following the dictates
or rather the firm direction
of a loving higher power
God
Recently I have been reading about Jesus
and I am learning to love this man
in a way I never have before
and it seems hard for a few Christian friends
of mine to understand
that I can and do live the spiritual life
and am learning to love this Jesus
and grateful for what he did
and gave us
yet I do not feel the need to turn my will and life
over to Jesus
its God I have
its only the Christians
that turn around and say
well God is Jesus
like i really want to argue
nope!
this guy may well have come to save us
and for that I am grateful
but if he is also God
why do i need to turn over to JC
its not appealing yet!
and a few friends without releigion
think I am a Christian
they say no-one but Christians
dont drink, smoke, remain celibate
and dont eat meat
extraordinary
yet I know quite a few Christian
that abstain from none of the above
God gives me what I need
directly
and indirectly
God bless
Christians, Jews, Buddhists
and those like me
that just call him God
and try
keep it simple
Get behind me satan
to the suffering inside and outside the rooms
that find fault in the happy joyous freedom
I am receiving from
what appears to be practicing the principles
anylengths
given to me by AA and God
and want to label me
into something
that I dont feel to be true
A few people outside of AA
just do not get it
and neither do I
but I do it anyway
Its amazing how many people
find fault in what is good
before accepting the good
and saying fantastic!
some people dont say anything
like I just said I have cancer...
extraordinary, disbelieving
but its true
it it just keeps coming
it doesnt say
God wants us happy joyeous and free
just the once
and if you miss it its too late
or you can have it once and then resume
the suffering and frustration
does it?
I have my dark moments
as you know
however I was never promised perfection
I DO however experience perfection
for moments
and just like the darkest times
perfection also passes :)
see even that people find hard to accept
Am I the only person
who can admit to acheiving/receiving
at times perfection?
Life does really get better and better
yes it will plateau off
and then resume upwards towards
perfection that is God
yes I worried yesterday
I am nearing the end of my dreams
perhaps I am gonna die soon then!?
When someone asks you how would that be?
have you ever replied Perfect
Engaging and interacting
with all walks of life
and actually talking
has its downsides!
yep I have to listen to responses!!
Family, Friends, fellows, workmates
all react in different ways
its interesting
and challenging
ok, I have some prayers to do
this is all too hard on my own
and i'll end up resenting everyone and everything
including myself
rejecting the world
and staying in lonely and isolated
like the ... good old days haha
raar!
Know God will help me embrace it all
standing up looking straight ahead
Know God
Know Peace
We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.P133
that people do not understand
how the heck I am like I am
thats AA's and not AA's
its pretty frustrating
at times
when all i do
is ask God what he wants me to do next
listen and then do
sometimes its absurd
sometimes it isnt
I take action
the doors shut by themselves
when its not Gods will
There is oly certain people
I can say to
Moving somewhere
because God gave me the idea...
sounds pretty absurd
but its true
I have put in the action
the doors are just opening
so far!
Finding peace and help the stil suffering alky..
its enough for now!
Its about looking outside the
restricting view of life
I can have so easily
I can live anywhere
do anything
if i put the work in
freedom
So many people
walki around feeling like
spiritial life and or religion is the way forward
and for some it is
i do not agree that either has to be a life
of suffering
I feel like I have already
been to hell and am now in heaven
simply by following the dictates
or rather the firm direction
of a loving higher power
God
Recently I have been reading about Jesus
and I am learning to love this man
in a way I never have before
and it seems hard for a few Christian friends
of mine to understand
that I can and do live the spiritual life
and am learning to love this Jesus
and grateful for what he did
and gave us
yet I do not feel the need to turn my will and life
over to Jesus
its God I have
its only the Christians
that turn around and say
well God is Jesus
like i really want to argue
nope!
this guy may well have come to save us
and for that I am grateful
but if he is also God
why do i need to turn over to JC
its not appealing yet!
and a few friends without releigion
think I am a Christian
they say no-one but Christians
dont drink, smoke, remain celibate
and dont eat meat
extraordinary
yet I know quite a few Christian
that abstain from none of the above
God gives me what I need
directly
and indirectly
God bless
Christians, Jews, Buddhists
and those like me
that just call him God
and try
keep it simple
Get behind me satan
to the suffering inside and outside the rooms
that find fault in the happy joyous freedom
I am receiving from
what appears to be practicing the principles
anylengths
given to me by AA and God
and want to label me
into something
that I dont feel to be true
A few people outside of AA
just do not get it
and neither do I
but I do it anyway
Its amazing how many people
find fault in what is good
before accepting the good
and saying fantastic!
some people dont say anything
like I just said I have cancer...
extraordinary, disbelieving
but its true
it it just keeps coming
it doesnt say
God wants us happy joyeous and free
just the once
and if you miss it its too late
or you can have it once and then resume
the suffering and frustration
does it?
I have my dark moments
as you know
however I was never promised perfection
I DO however experience perfection
for moments
and just like the darkest times
perfection also passes :)
see even that people find hard to accept
Am I the only person
who can admit to acheiving/receiving
at times perfection?
Life does really get better and better
yes it will plateau off
and then resume upwards towards
perfection that is God
yes I worried yesterday
I am nearing the end of my dreams
perhaps I am gonna die soon then!?
When someone asks you how would that be?
have you ever replied Perfect
Engaging and interacting
with all walks of life
and actually talking
has its downsides!
yep I have to listen to responses!!
Family, Friends, fellows, workmates
all react in different ways
its interesting
and challenging
ok, I have some prayers to do
this is all too hard on my own
and i'll end up resenting everyone and everything
including myself
rejecting the world
and staying in lonely and isolated
like the ... good old days haha
raar!
Know God will help me embrace it all
standing up looking straight ahead
Know God
Know Peace
We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.P133
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Change & no coincidences
I am changing
and I dont know what into
I giess myself
I am angry at the moment
I cant stop moaning
about my perfect life!
well others see it as perfect
and I just want shut up
and talk all at the same time!
sometimes I think PMT is a liability
and sometimes its an asset
as how I really feel about people places and things
comes out and I cant hide!
and I have the change to
take stock and change
Something weird's going on
surreal night at home group
for 3 or 4 reasons
today was unreal too
dont know whats going on
everythings changing
and staying the same at the same time
whatever
is it a full moon or something?
I dont like it when I predict something
and it happens
even if its a good thing
its like being plugged in to this God stuff
and so is a few other people
yeh we are all one
some are more in tune than others
Hand in Hand with the spirit of the universe
God you are
we is
all are and is
at the same time
And Acceptance is the answer...
and I dont know what into
I giess myself
I am angry at the moment
I cant stop moaning
about my perfect life!
well others see it as perfect
and I just want shut up
and talk all at the same time!
sometimes I think PMT is a liability
and sometimes its an asset
as how I really feel about people places and things
comes out and I cant hide!
and I have the change to
take stock and change
Something weird's going on
surreal night at home group
for 3 or 4 reasons
today was unreal too
dont know whats going on
everythings changing
and staying the same at the same time
whatever
is it a full moon or something?
I dont like it when I predict something
and it happens
even if its a good thing
its like being plugged in to this God stuff
and so is a few other people
yeh we are all one
some are more in tune than others
Hand in Hand with the spirit of the universe
God you are
we is
all are and is
at the same time
And Acceptance is the answer...
Sunday, June 29, 2008
When you really want something, want it with all your might and the Universe will conspire with you.... The Alchemist
I have spent the last 30 hours
in the place where my heart suggested
where I have never been before
and all I can descrive it as is
PERFECT
I have been on the beach
watching kite surfing
looking at houses...
I am housed out!
I have walked and walked
tested stuff out
been to another place
a little nearer
just to see whether I was sure
and I missed the place
the planets all lined up
thus weekend
and the sun shone gloriously
yeh a good weekend to go
house hunting
seen it at its best
Will let it all sink in
and have a look at rush hour
when it raining
and again for good measure
I am going to enjoy this summer
the worst that can happen
is that I dont get to sell mine this year
and I get to spend lots of weekends
by the sea!!
Went to a meeting
which I found was 10mins from
where i stayed
really friendly welcome
stayed after and they gave me
some tips! on the area
still nothing atall
has been said
or I have seen
which leads me to think
this is not Gods will for me
collected a newcomers number
why not? :)
cool cool
win win
I love it!
I want it!
It seems this is Gods will????
i'll keep on givins it anylengths
til He tells me not to
find out whats Gods will
follow it
and it all seems to work out
over and over
God wants us happy joyeus and free
I am evidence of this
be careful what you pray for
it may just come true
Its NOT about JUST stopping drinking
but its been imperative
to get to this stage
enjoyment
laughter
a lightness
which returns
and freedom
Dreams were created
and remained in my head for years
when I was drinking
In Alcoholics Anonymous
They are ALL coming true!
and more!
I am soooooo grateful
you'se never gave up on me
and
Loved me until
I could learn to love myself
ps I made the call
and we are talking
a little!
You probably noticed
I dont do fast straight away!
lovin it!
in the place where my heart suggested
where I have never been before
and all I can descrive it as is
PERFECT
I have been on the beach
watching kite surfing
looking at houses...
I am housed out!
I have walked and walked
tested stuff out
been to another place
a little nearer
just to see whether I was sure
and I missed the place
the planets all lined up
thus weekend
and the sun shone gloriously
yeh a good weekend to go
house hunting
seen it at its best
Will let it all sink in
and have a look at rush hour
when it raining
and again for good measure
I am going to enjoy this summer
the worst that can happen
is that I dont get to sell mine this year
and I get to spend lots of weekends
by the sea!!
Went to a meeting
which I found was 10mins from
where i stayed
really friendly welcome
stayed after and they gave me
some tips! on the area
still nothing atall
has been said
or I have seen
which leads me to think
this is not Gods will for me
collected a newcomers number
why not? :)
cool cool
win win
I love it!
I want it!
It seems this is Gods will????
i'll keep on givins it anylengths
til He tells me not to
find out whats Gods will
follow it
and it all seems to work out
over and over
God wants us happy joyeus and free
I am evidence of this
be careful what you pray for
it may just come true
Its NOT about JUST stopping drinking
but its been imperative
to get to this stage
enjoyment
laughter
a lightness
which returns
and freedom
Dreams were created
and remained in my head for years
when I was drinking
In Alcoholics Anonymous
They are ALL coming true!
and more!
I am soooooo grateful
you'se never gave up on me
and
Loved me until
I could learn to love myself
ps I made the call
and we are talking
a little!
You probably noticed
I dont do fast straight away!
lovin it!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
My attitude needs changing NOT the other persons
Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
See I can easily focus on something or someone
and build their behaviour into something
that is a deliberate attempt to sabotage
my peace of mind and happiness
When the truth is
many other friends, colleagues and neighbours
also are the same and it doesn't affect me
in the same way as it does this person!
Why?
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
Sometimes the retaliation from them
and the hurt I feel
is completely manufactured by
my own self will predictions
the other person is completely oblivious
the truth is they have done nothing
except be themselves
other people are doing the exact same thing
and it is not affecting me ATALL
I just realised this happens in me
I just realised this
This is what happens when
a person becomes a higher power
not necessarily in a God sense
just larger than "real" life
living in my head more than necessary
Its a change for me
its a different set of defects driving
this rent free living in my head
but its still
self will and self centredness
together with fear
leaving me in self pity
spiritually sick
there is a need to get over my self!
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.
We must, or it kills us!
God makes that possible.
And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God´s help.
Step 3 again! All Italics Big Book 4th ed P62
I just watched Brokeback Mountain on tv
A love that dare not speak its name
Beautiful film
It wasnt too long ago that I couldnt
sit and focus on a film sober for the duration
this is progress
its even more progress
that I sewed some buttons
that have fell off over the last few
...........years!
done some painting at time today
DIY maintenence stuff aswell
realised that I am a little
out of sorts now my course has finished for the summer
like I said the other day
preparing for a change in activity and things
Doing the next right thing :)
See I can easily focus on something or someone
and build their behaviour into something
that is a deliberate attempt to sabotage
my peace of mind and happiness
When the truth is
many other friends, colleagues and neighbours
also are the same and it doesn't affect me
in the same way as it does this person!
Why?
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
Sometimes the retaliation from them
and the hurt I feel
is completely manufactured by
my own self will predictions
the other person is completely oblivious
the truth is they have done nothing
except be themselves
other people are doing the exact same thing
and it is not affecting me ATALL
I just realised this happens in me
I just realised this
This is what happens when
a person becomes a higher power
not necessarily in a God sense
just larger than "real" life
living in my head more than necessary
Its a change for me
its a different set of defects driving
this rent free living in my head
but its still
self will and self centredness
together with fear
leaving me in self pity
spiritually sick
there is a need to get over my self!
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.
We must, or it kills us!
God makes that possible.
And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God´s help.
Step 3 again! All Italics Big Book 4th ed P62
I just watched Brokeback Mountain on tv
A love that dare not speak its name
Beautiful film
It wasnt too long ago that I couldnt
sit and focus on a film sober for the duration
this is progress
its even more progress
that I sewed some buttons
that have fell off over the last few
...........years!
done some painting at time today
DIY maintenence stuff aswell
realised that I am a little
out of sorts now my course has finished for the summer
like I said the other day
preparing for a change in activity and things
Doing the next right thing :)
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I wish I had self restraint on blogging
when I get the cahnce I do it
when I dont have it
it isnt so bad
Finally had a chat with guy at work
regarding AA
simple chat
gave him newcomer pack and meeting directory
said my boss who is also his boss
is very supportive and understanding
when I told her about AA and alcoholism
as I understand it in me
said I would be happy to with him
to a meeting if he needed
and would recommend some if needed to
Also made it clear that the decision
now is his
I will not push it
not because I dont care
simply because its now up to him
said to AA is not the only resource
for alcoholism, but its the only one
which I have found made sense
and made any lasting difference to me
also suggested he try a few meetings
and not judge AA on one meeting
and go perhaps not thinking he is an alky
simply to speak with those who
know they are and see what happens
after a reasonable period of time
he may find he is or may find he isnt
either way he will have made a few friends
and have a found a resource he may end up
recommending to some one else
even if he doesnt find us useful himself
he seemed ok with all that
even looked in the directory
and pointed out to me a local meeting to him
Time to let go now
and
remember my primary purpose at work
is to support the people I am paid to support
I am no-ones pysch, trainer, manager or life coach...
keep it simple
I still have no desire to arrive on time at 9am to work
I did arrive at work at 8.55am today
I will continue to pray for
the willingness to have my
attitude towards 9am starts changed
Football may be off
some ladies dropped out
not sure yet
its all getting a bit political!?
Studying is really hard
I have no confidence in my understanding
I feel like I haven't got this semester atall
and am feeling really odd
and afraid, though not terrified
I am willing to accept a fail
though I am afraid of how I will react
more faith
less projecting
get on with studying in the present
its really random dude!
study as you can
not as you cant!
Friend who is sick
Thinking of her often
not sure what i am to do
carry on as I am
and wait and let go
not in a victim or defeatest way
without thinking the worst or full of hope
just let go and remain balanced
neutral, in the middle ground
as much as possible
and get on with whats in front of me
instead of what isnt
this is not entirely what I want to do
but it seems its what I need to do
I dont know what I dont know
this is a new experience
and it seems there are no rules
Its all unfamiliar
whatever
She has that Jesus fella
Sponsor, a heap of experts
lots of experience
in life
all i know to do is
wait patiently
not easy though
Love her in my thoughts and prayers
and on my blog
so I am
and thanks to you, I refuse to ever watch
walking with dinosaurs again
I have been traumatised for life!!
and no I wont pray for them!
But this is for you...
I am Lovin' the spring warmth
we are being graced with
Thank you God
when I dont have it
it isnt so bad
Finally had a chat with guy at work
regarding AA
simple chat
gave him newcomer pack and meeting directory
said my boss who is also his boss
is very supportive and understanding
when I told her about AA and alcoholism
as I understand it in me
said I would be happy to with him
to a meeting if he needed
and would recommend some if needed to
Also made it clear that the decision
now is his
I will not push it
not because I dont care
simply because its now up to him
said to AA is not the only resource
for alcoholism, but its the only one
which I have found made sense
and made any lasting difference to me
also suggested he try a few meetings
and not judge AA on one meeting
and go perhaps not thinking he is an alky
simply to speak with those who
know they are and see what happens
after a reasonable period of time
he may find he is or may find he isnt
either way he will have made a few friends
and have a found a resource he may end up
recommending to some one else
even if he doesnt find us useful himself
he seemed ok with all that
even looked in the directory
and pointed out to me a local meeting to him
Time to let go now
and
remember my primary purpose at work
is to support the people I am paid to support
I am no-ones pysch, trainer, manager or life coach...
keep it simple
I still have no desire to arrive on time at 9am to work
I did arrive at work at 8.55am today
I will continue to pray for
the willingness to have my
attitude towards 9am starts changed
Football may be off
some ladies dropped out
not sure yet
its all getting a bit political!?
Studying is really hard
I have no confidence in my understanding
I feel like I haven't got this semester atall
and am feeling really odd
and afraid, though not terrified
I am willing to accept a fail
though I am afraid of how I will react
more faith
less projecting
get on with studying in the present
its really random dude!
study as you can
not as you cant!
Friend who is sick
Thinking of her often
not sure what i am to do
carry on as I am
and wait and let go
not in a victim or defeatest way
without thinking the worst or full of hope
just let go and remain balanced
neutral, in the middle ground
as much as possible
and get on with whats in front of me
instead of what isnt
this is not entirely what I want to do
but it seems its what I need to do
I dont know what I dont know
this is a new experience
and it seems there are no rules
Its all unfamiliar
whatever
She has that Jesus fella
Sponsor, a heap of experts
lots of experience
in life
all i know to do is
wait patiently
not easy though
Love her in my thoughts and prayers
and on my blog
so I am
and thanks to you, I refuse to ever watch
walking with dinosaurs again
I have been traumatised for life!!
and no I wont pray for them!
But this is for you...
I am Lovin' the spring warmth
we are being graced with
Thank you God
Friday, April 18, 2008
Working with others - Helps me
I have exhausted all ideas
I am exhausted
with someone
they are not even trying
no desire to change
time to let go
Let God
I have learned alot
Regarding my own
behaviour
specifically around this
9am stuff
nothing I dont know already
waiting for the magic wand
to whisk me out of bed
and to work
with all the necessaries done in between
without me actually doing anything
No that fantasy will NEVER happen
not in a million years
It actually matters
if I turn up on time
Practically it makes sense to
practice being punctual
here rather than waiting til
i really need to learn in a future job
at some point there will be a job I am well
qualified for
which I wont go for or I will get and lose
as a direct result of my punctuality
now thats sad
Until AA I didnt manage 1 month continuous sobriety
in 20 years of drinking
and now I have 4.5 years
Until now I have not managed 1 months continuous
arriving on time at school or work
in 30 years
Do I have an honest desire to change or be changed?
Old behaviour waits til my back against the wall
and then fight and scream and drama queen it
AA has taught me to behave more responsibly
Is it in step 6 or 7
where we become more pressured to do the right thing
yeh here it is!
I didnt answer the question
Do I have an honest desire to change or be changed?
No, therefore I wont change
Whats the solution then?
Live with it and all its future consequences
and let this same old discussion
keep rearing its head over and over
or
pray for the willingness to change
my attitude towards getting in at 9am
Not ask to be in for 9am
which is making a demand of God
which is not handing over
To ask for my attitude to be changed is
Ok heres the plan
pray everyday for 2 weeks
for willingness
twice a day and through the day
and see what happens
its a start
Have a good weekend!
5 a side football
I am exhausted
with someone
they are not even trying
no desire to change
time to let go
Let God
I have learned alot
Regarding my own
behaviour
specifically around this
9am stuff
nothing I dont know already
waiting for the magic wand
to whisk me out of bed
and to work
with all the necessaries done in between
without me actually doing anything
No that fantasy will NEVER happen
not in a million years
It actually matters
if I turn up on time
Practically it makes sense to
practice being punctual
here rather than waiting til
i really need to learn in a future job
at some point there will be a job I am well
qualified for
which I wont go for or I will get and lose
as a direct result of my punctuality
now thats sad
Until AA I didnt manage 1 month continuous sobriety
in 20 years of drinking
and now I have 4.5 years
Until now I have not managed 1 months continuous
arriving on time at school or work
in 30 years
Do I have an honest desire to change or be changed?
Old behaviour waits til my back against the wall
and then fight and scream and drama queen it
AA has taught me to behave more responsibly
Is it in step 6 or 7
where we become more pressured to do the right thing
yeh here it is!
I didnt answer the question
Do I have an honest desire to change or be changed?
No, therefore I wont change
Whats the solution then?
Live with it and all its future consequences
and let this same old discussion
keep rearing its head over and over
or
pray for the willingness to change
my attitude towards getting in at 9am
Not ask to be in for 9am
which is making a demand of God
which is not handing over
To ask for my attitude to be changed is
Ok heres the plan
pray everyday for 2 weeks
for willingness
twice a day and through the day
and see what happens
its a start
Have a good weekend!
5 a side football
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Light of the World .... step down into darkness
Light of The World
Thank you for praying
Step 3 is where I must be at the moment
no fixing, analysing
acceptance is the answer
and living and loving in the present moment
because the present moment is all we have
handing it over
turning it over
to the care
of God as she understands Him
Jesus, we never had a conversation
before I dont think
but you know
I am nowadays accepting of your existance
and know your Spirit does live on
I see how you work in her
how you work in my sponsor
how through them you have.. do work in me
God your Love is the Greatest Love of All
Love her as I can not
Take care of her as I can not
Wrap your arms around her this evening
and hold her still and calm and gentle
dont leave her for a second!
and send your Father round my house
and round everyone that knows her's house
I am sure I am not the only one
that could do with a Big Handed Cuddle
I will continue to
love her as I can
not as I cant
Buddy love Rocks!
Fellowship Love Rocks!
Gods Love Rocks!
Letting Go Letting God
This and yesterdays prayers
and todays
are for you Whizzkid
sleep well
Love ya
Tim Hughes
Light of the World
Monday, April 07, 2008
A good day and Please Pray for a friend of mine
I had a good day...
got up early
did the necessary
that most people do in the morning
apparantly without effort
Got to work at 9.05am!
Good day
laughed
worked
ate drank tea and water
no-one needed any suggestions!
the "alky" is now cured it seems
drinking normally
an AA called me up struggling though
see one door closes another one opens
left just after 5
studied on way home
and now will eat
do some more
do some step 10's
pray
watch some tv
and bed
I am grateful!! for the ordinary
Please pray
for a friend of mine
She has cancer
and is having a VERY rough time at the moment
her faith and courage
are astounding
anylengths on any given day
inspite of everything
she is doing her step work
and practicing the principles
doing the next right thing
VERY sober and VERY living!
she is a lighthouse to many
Gods own technological whizzkid
I love her
please remember her in your prayers
God bless her with Love, Peace
Faith and continued strength
to carry out Your will for her
thank you
got up early
did the necessary
that most people do in the morning
apparantly without effort
Got to work at 9.05am!
Good day
laughed
worked
ate drank tea and water
no-one needed any suggestions!
the "alky" is now cured it seems
drinking normally
an AA called me up struggling though
see one door closes another one opens
left just after 5
studied on way home
and now will eat
do some more
do some step 10's
pray
watch some tv
and bed
I am grateful!! for the ordinary
Please pray
for a friend of mine
She has cancer
and is having a VERY rough time at the moment
her faith and courage
are astounding
anylengths on any given day
inspite of everything
she is doing her step work
and practicing the principles
doing the next right thing
VERY sober and VERY living!
she is a lighthouse to many
Gods own technological whizzkid
I love her
please remember her in your prayers
God bless her with Love, Peace
Faith and continued strength
to carry out Your will for her
thank you
Friday, April 04, 2008
Tagged - Heres a start & Today
Today
laughed loads
was asked what I was on!
enjoying again
enjoying the lighter mornings and nights
enjoying the warmth
Tagged
What I was doing:
10 years ago – 1998 cant remember a thing. I was working and in a relationship. Apart from that I know no specifics.
5 years ago—Working. Just breaking up from the aforesaid relationship. Spiralling downwards reverting to the drinking habits of my teenage years. Starting to lose my grip. I was recovering from falling down a concrete staircase headfirst and planning to go to Cyprus, without visiting the hospital to get checked out. Sensible!
1 year ago— Just checked my blog… doing my step 9’s
Yesterday—bathed, ate, worked, studied
5 snacks I enjoy
1) Walkers Crisps
2) kit-kats
3) caramac
4) Krispy Kreme donuts
5) Egg custards
What I would do with 100 million pounds
1) Ask God
2) Employ a cook and a cleaner
3) Have a house by the sea, with a housekeeper and let you stay there when I wasn’t
4) give loads of it away where its needed
5) not hang on to it, wouldn’t cope well with useless excess long term
6) visit all the places I’d love to visit
7) see who or what comes up when I have got 100mil
8) Eat all the snacks I enjoy
5 places I'd love to visit
1) New York
2) Grand Canyon
3) Ayres Rock
4) Lake Como
5) Maldives
Pet Peeves
1) nose excavating on the train
2) smoking on the pavements outside workplaces
3) snorting and spitting
4) financial institutions making money out of people through ignorance because they can!
5) dirty floors on public transport
6) MRSA virus
part two another time
not good at remembering on the spot!
Harry Chapin Cats in the Cradle
people are gifts
they come and they go
friends and family and colleagues everyone
all like waves
coming and going
back into the stream of life
make that call
kick that ball
tell that person you love them
send that card
make time
make it happen
take action
Do not delay
Have a good weekend
laughed loads
was asked what I was on!
enjoying again
enjoying the lighter mornings and nights
enjoying the warmth
Tagged
What I was doing:
10 years ago – 1998 cant remember a thing. I was working and in a relationship. Apart from that I know no specifics.
5 years ago—Working. Just breaking up from the aforesaid relationship. Spiralling downwards reverting to the drinking habits of my teenage years. Starting to lose my grip. I was recovering from falling down a concrete staircase headfirst and planning to go to Cyprus, without visiting the hospital to get checked out. Sensible!
1 year ago— Just checked my blog… doing my step 9’s
Yesterday—bathed, ate, worked, studied
5 snacks I enjoy
1) Walkers Crisps
2) kit-kats
3) caramac
4) Krispy Kreme donuts
5) Egg custards
What I would do with 100 million pounds
1) Ask God
2) Employ a cook and a cleaner
3) Have a house by the sea, with a housekeeper and let you stay there when I wasn’t
4) give loads of it away where its needed
5) not hang on to it, wouldn’t cope well with useless excess long term
6) visit all the places I’d love to visit
7) see who or what comes up when I have got 100mil
8) Eat all the snacks I enjoy
5 places I'd love to visit
1) New York
2) Grand Canyon
3) Ayres Rock
4) Lake Como
5) Maldives
Pet Peeves
1) nose excavating on the train
2) smoking on the pavements outside workplaces
3) snorting and spitting
4) financial institutions making money out of people through ignorance because they can!
5) dirty floors on public transport
6) MRSA virus
part two another time
not good at remembering on the spot!
Harry Chapin Cats in the Cradle
people are gifts
they come and they go
friends and family and colleagues everyone
all like waves
coming and going
back into the stream of life
make that call
kick that ball
tell that person you love them
send that card
make time
make it happen
take action
Do not delay
Have a good weekend
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
And acceptance is the answer.....
God said
Give yourself a break
It is exactly the way its meant to be
I am human
Emotion, tears, acceptance, sadness, joy
all ok
Only a robot would not FEEL anything
I am human
accept it
Its not all about friends
theres other things I am feeling too
around this time of year
much as I would like to say I don't
I do feel, and its normal I hear
Regarding friendship
I have friends
who love me
who I love
care about me
who I care about
push me
let me push them
pull me
let me pull them
lift me
are lifted by me
lean on me
let me lean on them
trust me
I trust them
Unconditional Love
is being able to give aswell as receive
"All people will let me down"
but thats no excuse to not make friends
"Let me down" is beginning to feel like an innapropriate phrase
under the current changes
I dont feel let down
by anyone
in fact I feel
your experience, strength and hope and Love
I feel lifted up by compassion, empathy
understanding, I am not alone, special or different
so its progress for me that nowadays
I don't over ask of friends/fellows/colleagues/family?
yes it is
huge progress
God said
you lowered your expectations Johno
stopped putting people on pedestals
expectations lead to disappointment
when there are no expectations
there will be no disappointment
people do not always let you down
Yeh I see that now, I agree
another old idea I suppose to let go of
"people will always let me down"
hand it over to room 101
there you go, so theres some progress
isnt it Johno?
yes
and johno...
regarding making and maintaining friendships
don't stop
Get in there!
It gets better
:)
ps thank you for your comments & conversations
I feel loved, but not pitied
Gratitude shines today :)
A conversation with my sponsor about jesus
becoming a Christian, Christians generally
my progress and my fear around this subject
and around my mother at the moment
has opened me up abit more today
with colleagues about my mum, friends
with tears
hey! nobody drowned from over crying
or drowning in their own snot?
later the lyric "Let me inside you" came over me
I racked my brains to know what song it came from
and its this
Hymn to her
The Pretenders
God what ARE YOU trying to tell me?
make it clear?
Yeh I hear you!
You be my mother when everythings gone!
I listen to you and I want some more
I listen to you and I want some more
Somethings change some stay the same
Whatever, Jesus Christ I try so hard to be open
You aint in there yet
but I know if your meant to get in
you will
somehow
and its ok
But i wont do it just to people please
I will do anything for love
But I wont do that, oh no, I wont do that
Oh my God
Music, God you know the way to this womans heart!
you Bleeder
Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will ya hose me down with holy water--if I get to hot--?
Will ya take me to places I've never known?
God just sat on the edge of his big chair
there swinging his legs smirking
and quietly said... i can do that
I have added to this post about 5 times now
in the last 3 hours
I hope its done...
but what do I know?
Jee
Give yourself a break
It is exactly the way its meant to be
I am human
Emotion, tears, acceptance, sadness, joy
all ok
Only a robot would not FEEL anything
I am human
accept it
Its not all about friends
theres other things I am feeling too
around this time of year
much as I would like to say I don't
I do feel, and its normal I hear
Regarding friendship
I have friends
who love me
who I love
care about me
who I care about
push me
let me push them
pull me
let me pull them
lift me
are lifted by me
lean on me
let me lean on them
trust me
I trust them
Unconditional Love
is being able to give aswell as receive
"All people will let me down"
but thats no excuse to not make friends
"Let me down" is beginning to feel like an innapropriate phrase
under the current changes
I dont feel let down
by anyone
in fact I feel
your experience, strength and hope and Love
I feel lifted up by compassion, empathy
understanding, I am not alone, special or different
so its progress for me that nowadays
I don't over ask of friends/fellows/colleagues/family?
yes it is
huge progress
God said
you lowered your expectations Johno
stopped putting people on pedestals
expectations lead to disappointment
when there are no expectations
there will be no disappointment
people do not always let you down
Yeh I see that now, I agree
another old idea I suppose to let go of
"people will always let me down"
hand it over to room 101
there you go, so theres some progress
isnt it Johno?
yes
and johno...
regarding making and maintaining friendships
don't stop
Get in there!
It gets better
:)
ps thank you for your comments & conversations
I feel loved, but not pitied
Gratitude shines today :)
A conversation with my sponsor about jesus
becoming a Christian, Christians generally
my progress and my fear around this subject
and around my mother at the moment
has opened me up abit more today
with colleagues about my mum, friends
with tears
hey! nobody drowned from over crying
or drowning in their own snot?
later the lyric "Let me inside you" came over me
I racked my brains to know what song it came from
and its this
Hymn to her
The Pretenders
God what ARE YOU trying to tell me?
make it clear?
Yeh I hear you!
You be my mother when everythings gone!
I listen to you and I want some more
I listen to you and I want some more
Somethings change some stay the same
Whatever, Jesus Christ I try so hard to be open
You aint in there yet
but I know if your meant to get in
you will
somehow
and its ok
But i wont do it just to people please
I will do anything for love
But I wont do that, oh no, I wont do that
Oh my God
Music, God you know the way to this womans heart!
you Bleeder
Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will ya hose me down with holy water--if I get to hot--?
Will ya take me to places I've never known?
God just sat on the edge of his big chair
there swinging his legs smirking
and quietly said... i can do that
I have added to this post about 5 times now
in the last 3 hours
I hope its done...
but what do I know?
Jee
Monday, February 04, 2008
Resentment is the number one offender... Johno you need Gods help... just do it!
Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.P64
whats it mean?
I for instance have a few resentments festering
which I need to do something about
but
I THINK
i have "more" important things
and because I am getting some sort of pleasure
hanging around these people
waiting for some fantastical happy ending
I predict a happy ending
even though I can see I am not in it
I still predict, which is me running the show
rather than
than letting God take over and drive me
instead I (thats me the great me)
allow the defective motives
drive my actions
and lead to the consequences
and lead me into a resentment
which fans my selfcentred fear
which pops at my pride
which fanns my fear
which leads to me thinking I should run away
and isolate
and not take part in
...not just the activity
but everything, the whole thing
ENERYTHING
I am kidding myself that
I am taking part in something
with an attitude of service!
well I am
and at the same time
I am self seeking
and have a dishonest motive
self seeking
self centred
selfish
its all about me me me
and remember... other people are sick too
I need help, my world has got small
and God now has a couple of faces
So I am not looking at God
people are not God
we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't. What was our choice to be? P53
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God´s help. p62
Stop fighting and wrestling with the other sick Pig
two or three sick pigs wrestling makes a very big mess
you have no business going there
Leave it all alone
LET GO LET GOD
and Go to frickin bed! and pray for some willingness
and stop mucking about
"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63
whats it mean?
I for instance have a few resentments festering
which I need to do something about
but
I THINK
i have "more" important things
and because I am getting some sort of pleasure
hanging around these people
waiting for some fantastical happy ending
I predict a happy ending
even though I can see I am not in it
I still predict, which is me running the show
rather than
than letting God take over and drive me
instead I (thats me the great me)
allow the defective motives
drive my actions
and lead to the consequences
and lead me into a resentment
which fans my selfcentred fear
which pops at my pride
which fanns my fear
which leads to me thinking I should run away
and isolate
and not take part in
...not just the activity
but everything, the whole thing
ENERYTHING
I am kidding myself that
I am taking part in something
with an attitude of service!
well I am
and at the same time
I am self seeking
and have a dishonest motive
self seeking
self centred
selfish
its all about me me me
and remember... other people are sick too
I need help, my world has got small
and God now has a couple of faces
So I am not looking at God
people are not God
we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't. What was our choice to be? P53
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God´s help. p62
Stop fighting and wrestling with the other sick Pig
two or three sick pigs wrestling makes a very big mess
you have no business going there
Leave it all alone
LET GO LET GOD
and Go to frickin bed! and pray for some willingness
and stop mucking about
"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63
Friday, January 04, 2008
I cant feel sorry for myself - Misery is impossible!!!!!!!
I have been trying really hard to
well not that hard really
just trying or expecting it cos I believe its what I should feel
but I cant ... I cant sit in self pity
I am grateful cos I am not really
anything when am full of it!
and it takes ages to climb out
I have reached a level of acceptance
and am accepting thats exactly how its meant to be
The devastation, sulking
has NOT reared up
and I even laughed at it all today
without having to talk it out
with a few
just you
and one other
and God
yes I am want it all MY WAY
I know its not possible
and its not aftecting every area of my life
Still ate, worked, laughed, did the right things
Home group was coool tnite
Good to be back
trying to live in the solution is the easier softer way
battling with what I cant have is not
I prayed more than twice for the pair of them
to have everything I could possibly wish for myself
and more than twice for each of them just incase...
they are sick like me!
whatever, I feel better for it :)
thanks for ALL your comments guys and gals
I appreciate all your xperience
its what I need to hear
day 1 of 14
continue to pray for those I am resentful at
have a good weekend
well not that hard really
just trying or expecting it cos I believe its what I should feel
but I cant ... I cant sit in self pity
I am grateful cos I am not really
anything when am full of it!
and it takes ages to climb out
I have reached a level of acceptance
and am accepting thats exactly how its meant to be
The devastation, sulking
has NOT reared up
and I even laughed at it all today
without having to talk it out
with a few
just you
and one other
and God
yes I am want it all MY WAY
I know its not possible
and its not aftecting every area of my life
Still ate, worked, laughed, did the right things
Home group was coool tnite
Good to be back
trying to live in the solution is the easier softer way
battling with what I cant have is not
I prayed more than twice for the pair of them
to have everything I could possibly wish for myself
and more than twice for each of them just incase...
they are sick like me!
whatever, I feel better for it :)
thanks for ALL your comments guys and gals
I appreciate all your xperience
its what I need to hear
day 1 of 14
continue to pray for those I am resentful at
have a good weekend
Thursday, January 03, 2008
The truth is now out
When the line goes
I spent Christmas at xxxx's mums
TRUTH just came up to my face and looked me in the eye
or jumped off the page
The truth hurts at times but I prefer to know
Its getting easier to find out sooner than later
My Interest has a significant other (groan)
So I have to let go (more groaning)
Well that is what God tells me
Hand it over
self wills creaking under the strain
I predict a riot!
So before it happend
I have to remind myself of the deal
I made to do the right thing
do anything as long as its not destructive
I added on the end of the
... to myself or others
I chose to try to walk the path of righteousness
Hand in Hand with the spirit of the Universe
not veer off into a dishonest
wrestling with a herd of pigs
when I can blatently see it ahead or next to me
I choose not to live infant..asy
old thinking
hanging on to what is not IN THE HERE AND NOW
there is no room for me
when there is someone else
and so I must not hang around
wishing and hoping or nudging along
there is no point and thats self will
I have done enough of this in the past
Self will run riot P62
Time to read Step 3 again and again and again
another desicion on yet another area of my life
First thought
Well have to cease all contact
Stop going where we both go
(which is where we met)
and sulk
There has been nothing going on
no flirting, I dont think so anyway
its just been simple really
and more friendly as times gone on
But I dont want to do any of that
First thought stuff ANYMORE
If I cease and avoid ALL people I get feelings for
I would have to live in Greenland
and even then the eskimo's would not be safe
So for now
I choose to keep on keeping on
grow this friendship
accept it as a friendship
and pray for my interest and
significant other, and wish them well
grit teeth initially, I know the praying
will get easier and it works
its true
No fantasy
no hanging around
If you love someone you have to let them go
if they are meant to come back... they will
its none of my business
I have no idea how cupid works... do you?
I know what the relationship is, boundaries are set
and its ok for it to stay that way
the friendship is growing and its lovely
If I can't handle it
or should I say my head cant handle it
then I have to be honest and walk away
Its worked in the past
It has to be done
again and again
It is the easier softer way
I have spent too long
hanging around waiting
or getting involved with
people in relationships
who think the grass is greener
or who I think there grass will be greener
and it isnt
Its a lie
I cant deal with the head 'uck
of a double life
or with someone else's double life
and its not what I agreed with God
when I did Step 4
I don't want to be like that anymore
being single
has its moments of self pity
but generally its far better and richer
being single and honest
than half measures in or out of dishonest fantasy
I cant do half measures
they avail me nothing!
Let Go and let God
ok, I have to pray for them for the next 2 weeks
twice a day or more if required
and see what happens
ultimately I am prepared after
going to anylengths
to walk down a different street
Is this what they mean by
the road gets narrower
and it gets more difficult
to NOT do the right thing?
More Growing up pains, I am feeling
I'm off down t'gym show off my tan
and good looks
see y'all
desperado... this is how I use to be
I am coming to my senses
These things that pleased me, hurt me
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can’t get
There's someone out here
I just haven't found 'em yet
or did I just let someone go a while back?
Cos I was just to scared to say what I wanted
and too sick at the time anyway
to have any hope of anything
but a hostage situation
I can see now
that its possible
to let someone in
and let them out again
God help me please
while i'm at the gym
help me process this stuff
I spent Christmas at xxxx's mums
TRUTH just came up to my face and looked me in the eye
or jumped off the page
The truth hurts at times but I prefer to know
Its getting easier to find out sooner than later
My Interest has a significant other (groan)
So I have to let go (more groaning)
Well that is what God tells me
Hand it over
self wills creaking under the strain
I predict a riot!
So before it happend
I have to remind myself of the deal
I made to do the right thing
do anything as long as its not destructive
I added on the end of the
... to myself or others
I chose to try to walk the path of righteousness
Hand in Hand with the spirit of the Universe
not veer off into a dishonest
wrestling with a herd of pigs
when I can blatently see it ahead or next to me
I choose not to live infant..asy
old thinking
hanging on to what is not IN THE HERE AND NOW
there is no room for me
when there is someone else
and so I must not hang around
wishing and hoping or nudging along
there is no point and thats self will
I have done enough of this in the past
Self will run riot P62
Time to read Step 3 again and again and again
another desicion on yet another area of my life
First thought
Well have to cease all contact
Stop going where we both go
(which is where we met)
and sulk
There has been nothing going on
no flirting, I dont think so anyway
its just been simple really
and more friendly as times gone on
But I dont want to do any of that
First thought stuff ANYMORE
If I cease and avoid ALL people I get feelings for
I would have to live in Greenland
and even then the eskimo's would not be safe
So for now
I choose to keep on keeping on
grow this friendship
accept it as a friendship
and pray for my interest and
significant other, and wish them well
grit teeth initially, I know the praying
will get easier and it works
its true
No fantasy
no hanging around
If you love someone you have to let them go
if they are meant to come back... they will
its none of my business
I have no idea how cupid works... do you?
I know what the relationship is, boundaries are set
and its ok for it to stay that way
the friendship is growing and its lovely
If I can't handle it
or should I say my head cant handle it
then I have to be honest and walk away
Its worked in the past
It has to be done
again and again
It is the easier softer way
I have spent too long
hanging around waiting
or getting involved with
people in relationships
who think the grass is greener
or who I think there grass will be greener
and it isnt
Its a lie
I cant deal with the head 'uck
of a double life
or with someone else's double life
and its not what I agreed with God
when I did Step 4
I don't want to be like that anymore
being single
has its moments of self pity
but generally its far better and richer
being single and honest
than half measures in or out of dishonest fantasy
I cant do half measures
they avail me nothing!
Let Go and let God
ok, I have to pray for them for the next 2 weeks
twice a day or more if required
and see what happens
ultimately I am prepared after
going to anylengths
to walk down a different street
Is this what they mean by
the road gets narrower
and it gets more difficult
to NOT do the right thing?
More Growing up pains, I am feeling
I'm off down t'gym show off my tan
and good looks
see y'all
desperado... this is how I use to be
I am coming to my senses
These things that pleased me, hurt me
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can’t get
There's someone out here
I just haven't found 'em yet
or did I just let someone go a while back?
Cos I was just to scared to say what I wanted
and too sick at the time anyway
to have any hope of anything
but a hostage situation
I can see now
that its possible
to let someone in
and let them out again
God help me please
while i'm at the gym
help me process this stuff
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Convention of those wounded in love - Paulo Coehlo
Warrior of Light issue no 161
Convention of those wounded in love
General provisions:
A – Whereas the saying “all is fair in love and war” is absolutely correct;
B – Whereas for war we have the Geneva Convention, approved on 22 August 1864, which provides for those wounded in the battle field, but until now no convention has been signed concerning those wounded in love, who are far greater in number;
It is hereby decreed that:
Article 1 – All lovers, of any sex, are alerted that love, besides being a blessing, is also something extremely dangerous, unpredictable and capable of causing serious damage. Consequently, anyone planning to love should be aware that they are exposing their body and soul to various types of wounds, and that they shall not be able to blame their partner at any moment, since the risk is the same for both.
Article 2 – Once struck by a stray arrow fired from Cupid’s bow, they should immediately ask the archer to shoot the same arrow in the opposite direction, so as not to be afflicted by the wound known as “unrequited love”. Should Cupid refuse to perform such a gesture, the Convention now being promulgated demands that the wounded partner remove the arrow from his/her heart and throw it in the garbage. In order to guarantee this, those concerned should avoid telephone calls, messages over the Internet, sending flowers that are always returned, or each and every means of seduction, since these may yield results in the short run but always end up wrong after a while. The Convention decrees that the wounded person should immediately seek the company of other people and try to control the obsessive thought: “this person is worth fighting for”.
Article 3 – If the wound is caused by third parties, in other words if the loved one has become interested in someone not in the script previously drafted, vengeance is expressly forbidden. In this case, it is allowed to use tears until the eyes dry up, to punch walls or pillows, to insult the ex-partner in conversations with friends, to allege his/her complete lack of taste, but without offending their honor. The Convention determines that the rule contained in Article 2 be applied: seek the company of other persons, preferably in places different from those frequented by the other party.
Article 4 – In the case of light wounds, herein classified as small treacheries, fulminating passions that are short-lived, passing sexual disinterest, the medicine called Pardon should be applied generously and quickly. Once this medicine has been applied, one should never reconsider one's decision, not even once, and the theme must be completely forgotten and never used as an argument in a fight or in a moment of hatred.
Article 5 – In all definitive wounds, also known as “breaking up”, the only medicine capable of having an effect is called Time. It is no use seeking consolation from fortune-tellers (who always say that the lost lover will return), romantic books (which always have a happy ending), soap-operas on the television or other such things. One should suffer intensely, completely avoiding drugs, tranquilizers and praying to saints. Alcohol is only tolerated if kept to a maximum of two glasses of wine a day.
Final determination: Those wounded in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are neither victims nor torturers. They chose something that is part of life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the ecstasy of their choice.
And those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”. Because they haven’t.
Convention of those wounded in love
General provisions:
A – Whereas the saying “all is fair in love and war” is absolutely correct;
B – Whereas for war we have the Geneva Convention, approved on 22 August 1864, which provides for those wounded in the battle field, but until now no convention has been signed concerning those wounded in love, who are far greater in number;
It is hereby decreed that:
Article 1 – All lovers, of any sex, are alerted that love, besides being a blessing, is also something extremely dangerous, unpredictable and capable of causing serious damage. Consequently, anyone planning to love should be aware that they are exposing their body and soul to various types of wounds, and that they shall not be able to blame their partner at any moment, since the risk is the same for both.
Article 2 – Once struck by a stray arrow fired from Cupid’s bow, they should immediately ask the archer to shoot the same arrow in the opposite direction, so as not to be afflicted by the wound known as “unrequited love”. Should Cupid refuse to perform such a gesture, the Convention now being promulgated demands that the wounded partner remove the arrow from his/her heart and throw it in the garbage. In order to guarantee this, those concerned should avoid telephone calls, messages over the Internet, sending flowers that are always returned, or each and every means of seduction, since these may yield results in the short run but always end up wrong after a while. The Convention decrees that the wounded person should immediately seek the company of other people and try to control the obsessive thought: “this person is worth fighting for”.
Article 3 – If the wound is caused by third parties, in other words if the loved one has become interested in someone not in the script previously drafted, vengeance is expressly forbidden. In this case, it is allowed to use tears until the eyes dry up, to punch walls or pillows, to insult the ex-partner in conversations with friends, to allege his/her complete lack of taste, but without offending their honor. The Convention determines that the rule contained in Article 2 be applied: seek the company of other persons, preferably in places different from those frequented by the other party.
Article 4 – In the case of light wounds, herein classified as small treacheries, fulminating passions that are short-lived, passing sexual disinterest, the medicine called Pardon should be applied generously and quickly. Once this medicine has been applied, one should never reconsider one's decision, not even once, and the theme must be completely forgotten and never used as an argument in a fight or in a moment of hatred.
Article 5 – In all definitive wounds, also known as “breaking up”, the only medicine capable of having an effect is called Time. It is no use seeking consolation from fortune-tellers (who always say that the lost lover will return), romantic books (which always have a happy ending), soap-operas on the television or other such things. One should suffer intensely, completely avoiding drugs, tranquilizers and praying to saints. Alcohol is only tolerated if kept to a maximum of two glasses of wine a day.
Final determination: Those wounded in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are neither victims nor torturers. They chose something that is part of life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the ecstasy of their choice.
And those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”. Because they haven’t.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
A Taste of Honey, Tasting much Sweeter than Wine....
Been down the gym
then spent most of the day
writing an essay, in silence
tis done YAY
Silence, yeh, i couldnt find anything
to have on in the background
Today Silence was Golden
Tonights different
Theres been a load of programmes on TV
about Bob Dylan and folk music
for some reason, its been perfect background
for me tonight, another assignment done
Its not been an easy week
Abit like self knowledge is not enough...
I have all this new information
and no idea how to set it on paper LOL
Thankfully someone volunteered to show me
a method yesterday which I have followed today
structuring an argument and supporting it
Phew! not perfect I am sure
But for a first attempt, I am pleased
will read it again tomorrow
before handing it in Tuesday
Great weekend really
Homegroup Friday a late one!
Out with friends last night
feeling really ok
it seems ages since I drank alcohol
it seems alien that I drank alcohol
seems normal now to order water etc
got home and made a start on the essay
this is the freedom from bondage
to get home nearly midnight
and willingly make a start
just putting about 800words of
whatever was in there on paper
It made today so much easier
some of it was irrelevant
some was suprisingly ok!
Gym this morning
and then back on it
Course became my higher power earlier this week
or was it my primary purpose for living...
those days were very hard
gladly the hair shirt is off for the time being
and am wearing life a little more like a loose garment
I also became aware of a relatively new non AA person
who has been more in my thoughts and in front of me this week
more than usual i mean, i have known for a while now though
since being sober
The old habits, old ideas, reappeared
thankfully I see them coming, and how destructive they are
I didnt question, I am trying to live my ideals
not be ruled by my defects
so a new healthy relationship is happening
(no assumptions, no fantasy, no predictions, no mind reading)
a relationship which means talking to someone and listening LOL
friendship, intimacy, taking a risk
see how it goes
whatever happens, I will still breathe
A Taste of Honey popped into my head tonight
and it reminded me of a summer
when I was well into self harm
isolating and being an all round
miserable f*cked up teenager
I stayed at a friends grandparents in Heage
a village in Derbyshire for a weekend
All I remember is the sun shining all weekend
they have a really big lawn
and an old victorian house
massive greenhouse not quite as big as those pictured in the link!
and a croquet lawn
we went down to the village fete or something
I enjoyed it and also remember feeling disconnected
not present, numb
the garden, the green and the sunshine, feeling warm
really sticks out
and it was the year I first encounted
the Venus Flytrap!
An I only just as I got to the end of the post realised
whet the 2nd line of the song is!
so I added it in the title
THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES
Anyway thats enough tonight
One last assignment before bed
I will leave you with
the song that I first heard that weekend
played on an old 45rpm vinyl!
A Taste Of Honey - The Beatles
sadly its abit jumpy am afraid
then spent most of the day
writing an essay, in silence
tis done YAY
Silence, yeh, i couldnt find anything
to have on in the background
Today Silence was Golden
Tonights different
Theres been a load of programmes on TV
about Bob Dylan and folk music
for some reason, its been perfect background
for me tonight, another assignment done
Its not been an easy week
Abit like self knowledge is not enough...
I have all this new information
and no idea how to set it on paper LOL
Thankfully someone volunteered to show me
a method yesterday which I have followed today
structuring an argument and supporting it
Phew! not perfect I am sure
But for a first attempt, I am pleased
will read it again tomorrow
before handing it in Tuesday
Great weekend really
Homegroup Friday a late one!
Out with friends last night
feeling really ok
it seems ages since I drank alcohol
it seems alien that I drank alcohol
seems normal now to order water etc
got home and made a start on the essay
this is the freedom from bondage
to get home nearly midnight
and willingly make a start
just putting about 800words of
whatever was in there on paper
It made today so much easier
some of it was irrelevant
some was suprisingly ok!
Gym this morning
and then back on it
Course became my higher power earlier this week
or was it my primary purpose for living...
those days were very hard
gladly the hair shirt is off for the time being
and am wearing life a little more like a loose garment
I also became aware of a relatively new non AA person
who has been more in my thoughts and in front of me this week
more than usual i mean, i have known for a while now though
since being sober
The old habits, old ideas, reappeared
thankfully I see them coming, and how destructive they are
I didnt question, I am trying to live my ideals
not be ruled by my defects
so a new healthy relationship is happening
(no assumptions, no fantasy, no predictions, no mind reading)
a relationship which means talking to someone and listening LOL
friendship, intimacy, taking a risk
see how it goes
whatever happens, I will still breathe
A Taste of Honey popped into my head tonight
and it reminded me of a summer
when I was well into self harm
isolating and being an all round
miserable f*cked up teenager
I stayed at a friends grandparents in Heage
a village in Derbyshire for a weekend
All I remember is the sun shining all weekend
they have a really big lawn
and an old victorian house
massive greenhouse not quite as big as those pictured in the link!
and a croquet lawn
we went down to the village fete or something
I enjoyed it and also remember feeling disconnected
not present, numb
the garden, the green and the sunshine, feeling warm
really sticks out
and it was the year I first encounted
the Venus Flytrap!
An I only just as I got to the end of the post realised
whet the 2nd line of the song is!
so I added it in the title
THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES
Anyway thats enough tonight
One last assignment before bed
I will leave you with
the song that I first heard that weekend
played on an old 45rpm vinyl!
A Taste Of Honey - The Beatles
sadly its abit jumpy am afraid
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