It wasn't pretty - they haven't seen my like that before... truth is... they haven't seen me in that situation before

I did all the right things before
going in to HR meeting
it was supposed to be easy
and then he asked me a question
about would I relocate?
and I kinda flipped
I knew this was on the cards
and sane thinking and feeling
already accepted this
and I kinda freaked out
backed into a corner to make a decsion
there and then
and I couldn't stop
Powerless
then numbed out
til all you got was
yes no answers
no feeling, no emotion
I couldnt wait to get out
I had to leave the building
and cry
I scared myself
more than they scared me
I didnt like me in there

So when they said
I have never seen you like that before
the truth is
they have never seen me
in that situation before
and hey backed into a corner
scared, with an unexpected question
that I am deciding my destiny...
in 30 seconds
I cant remember what else happend

I went and apologised to the HR guy after
and said i wasnt happy with the way
our meeting had gone
he said he knew it wasnt me in there
and it was understandable under the circumstances
I am moving house in a few weeks
and starting uni
and they are asking me
whether I would be prepared to move and relocate
... my inner self reacted against BADLY
he and my boss said there was no need to apologise
I said there was,
I needed to live with myself and my conscience
and now I can pray to let it go

I am touched by kindness and understanding
I was given this afternoon
like I give out
its a must to receive
I am not a rock or an island
I do feel pain
and I do cry
I am human
LIVING the challenges of life
without any wings
and whilst today
I considered smoking
I refused lunch
I did take inventory
I did pray
I did make two apologies
I did complete my self assessment
I did grade myself highly & truthfully
I can evidence every example if required
I am going to bed early
I did ask for help
I did show myself
without my pride
I have softened
and its ok
I did complete & post my lawyers papers for house move
I did get to physio apt ontime (I am making progress)
I did come home and eat
The sky has not fallen in!

This is a song about pride and fear
isolation and arrogance
I used to like this song
the similarities I felt
protection, on guard...
no risks
nowadays I have trouble listening to it
its not in keeping with how I feel today
it takes me back and gives me gratitude
that I have changed

Simon & Garfunkel I am a Rock


Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
"I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain"

Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

See I do and I do
so this song is not about me now
its about how I used to be

Today's lesson is
about
progress not perfection
and letting go and letting Good/God

no roaring today.. Good night x

Kindness

Kind. Is something I always "tried" to be
ie great effort was put in
I never got the "responses" from people
which I expected
so would get a resentment and sulk

Today I was called kind (more than once)
and thanked for my kindness today
I didnt even know that I was being kind
I just was

Its happenened without me noticing
I didnt have to put any effort in today

What I saw was "just doing my job"
Others saw as kindness

Its none of my business what was going
on in the heads of those who said it

All I know is that I am naturally a kind person
and by just doing the right things
ie in this instant "just doing my job"
without the self seeking motives
of recognition
I am now doing this kindness thing
without even trying
its no effort
I just am kind (I am not a saint)
The recognition thing happened
naturally aswell, but thats another post last summer

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for
us what we could not do for ourselves P84

This has happened as the result of these steps
This has happened as the result of listening
and doing what my Sponsors have suggested
This has happened as a result of being honest
openminded and willing (to do the next right thing)
this has happened as the result of cultivating
and growing a relationship of a loving Higher power
(one that wants the best for us all)
This has happened as the result of trusting the process

It works - it really does
I am changed and changing
I love this

Just doing my job isnt about just turning up and
being the angry doormat victim martyr anymore.
its about doing anylength, being of max helpfulness
whatever am asked todo, being in a job I can do
and or getting the training to do whats required to
do it... whatever it is... unless its illegal or
immoral... I work for them, I do not run the show.
By living this, we have more laughs at work
than I have ever experienced in any other job
and our respective line managers are more than happy
with our performance)

I laugh more than I have ever laughed
It dont seem like work
We often say
When does the real work start then ?
And I earn more than I have ever earned...

This is definitely a 4th Dimension am in
Its Life Jim, but not as you know it

thank you for all your comments the last few days

By the way
life isnt perfect
I have some areas of my
life which are unmanageable
Some of my affairs need working on
It IS all moving in the right direction
its all along way away from that
pityful demoralization not not too many years ago

I have absolute faith that as long as I
Keep on, keeping on, have faith in my loving HP
and use these Spiritual tools
ALL my problems, difficulties, defects, flaws
faults, sick bits, mental, physical, internal
external will be dealable with
one way or another

BUT it will be in Gods time NOT mine

Go for Gold, then, Give it away to Keep it

Like a gaunt prospector, belt drawn in over the
ounce of food, our pick struck gold. Joy at our release
from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds.
Father feels he has struck something better than gold.
For a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself.
He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a
limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines
it for the rest of his life and insists on giving
away the entire product. P128,129

I love this, its one of my favouritist bits

I used to only give so much information
at work or in family or friends etc
Fear that I might be seen as a failure
or that someone may "use" the information
and become better than me

Nowadays, it seems the more thats revealed to me
the more I want to give away freely
and the simpler life is

tell the truth

At work, I used to just keep skills
tricks, short cuts, resources to myself
I would give stuff away, if I felt like it
if i liked them, if I could be bothered
or if i did, i would judge managers etc
for not having done their jobs right in
recruitment etc etc people should know what to
do from the minute they walk through the door... right!!

AA's showed me what to do, I needed showing
from the minute I walked in the door
and then as soon as i had something
I HAD to GIVE it away to a newcomer
even when i wasn't sure what it was i had
Everything I mean EVERYTHING
Then later Practice this Principle in all my affairs

Mentoring someone at work last year
without being paid any extra really just helped me
(Inventory & Prayer helped me lose the greed & judgemental stuff)
Action in the form of helping a new recruit at work
took my mind off the death of my mother
during working hours & there was a lot of laughing
mostly about his impatience & his need for perfection NOW
(sounds earily familiar to me)

He came up with the same stuff as me and any other
had come up with doubts, impatience, willingness, fear
arrogance, pride
We encouraged each other and this big geyser
softened when at times I cried
us humans, we have everything in us we need
it just takes time & willingness for it to show itself

This guy was and still is himself
"a loveable PROUD dude with a sense of humour
and a sense of knowing what the right thing is"
Its cool to see the the process works for him when he works it
as it did and still does for me when I work it
Just like it worked and still works for the people
who passed it onto me
"It" being the processes at work
Trust the Process (this one being the processes inplace at work)
Oh yeh we no longer work in the same building
we are now friends... now thats a gift YeY!!

going to any lengths at work and work their processes
also helped "the management"
see where their process needs changing
or not, it makes there inventory taking easier!!
Well it did for our place
ONLY when there were a few of us actually
doing what was required, instead of cutting corners

I am grateful to be able to look back at the past
without regret, remorse, shame

I have had some REALLY kind, patient and tolerent people
around me at work over the years
Its not a given that the people
who are paid to train & manage, actually do
I never REALLY saw at the time how much
help, skills, knowledge, kindness
and a certain amount of love too... even at work
Love, unconditional love, the one with no strings

Some times I need to stop and take a look back to see
what it was like, what happened and
what its like now
inside me and outside of me
it really is about change
continual willingness & openness to change
and be changed

Go for Gold, mine it and give it away
Have faith, it works - it really does
:-)

Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous