There's more going on than my eye can see...

Tried a new meeting
locally
it was freezing
I went to find the venue
was 90 minutes early
no where to have a coffee
went back towards the town
and had that ...
"well i could just go home now
its freezing fog
no-one would know
it wouldnt matter
can go another week" feeling
and then I remembered my primary purpose
for going to a meeting
not that I think I am God
but Tradition 5 and Step 12... reasons to not go home!
its not about me...
but in return... I get karma points right :)
for some reason!
I went and had a coffee
read a newspaper
and went back to meeting...

and met the secretary
who i find out
lives close by me than
you can imagine!
I could throw a ball in their garden
from my garden!
yeh I am pretty good at throwing
but still

neither of us know anyone else
in the vicinity
thats in the fellowship

God! your hand is at work
your plan is unfolding
and your incidences
are simply
delightful

I got a lift home
and a loan of a heater!

I have been reading scriptures lately
and listening to more
talks by Menlo Park ministers
John Ortbergs colleagues
and one just blew me away
I have listening to it over and over
again!

On Beyond Zebra Kim Englemann
based upon the beginning of the book
On Beyond Zebra by Dr Seuss
i'll post more on its significance
when I can put it into words
what I can say is that
I only listened to John Ortberg
I have loved this man for around 3 years now
his tone, his humour and love for us and God
and I thought no-one else could match
and then I listened to Kim Engleman
her voice, tone I dont really like
but her humour and love and care for people and God
I love the message
I have listened to this mp3 over and over
why? I love it! I want to go beyond Zee!
I know there is more and I am doing it
in it right now
letting go of perfection
engaging with pride and having to let go of it
more and more
show and accept my imperfect self
my sloth and its consequences
my lust and its consequences
my self will and its consequences
my greed and its consequences
my love for God and its consequences
my willingness to change and be changed and its consequences
my courage to accept all its consequences

Good and bad!! see

This journey I am having
getting to know this Jesus man
and God is getting more and more interesting
Luke 12:16-21
I have no idea when my expiry date is
whether I will be made redundant
and whether anything else bad is going to happen
so I have to trust and have more faith
monday and tuesday
my heating is getting an overhaul!
otherwise I could die a "rich" cold fool!!

off to do more study
tomorrow I become a member of the church
locally I have been going to
making friends
Am I a Christian yet?
I dont flippin' know!
no one seems to care!!!!!!!!!!!
they just say keep coming back! and read Luke...
so I am :)

Grateful for the little things
I have no control over
for now life is good
and for my facebook buddies
Poke!

Especially grateful
that once again its proven
that Gods alphabet starts
where my alphabet ends!!

Faith is the most important
feature in my life
its constant
heat or no heat
alone or with
rich or poor
joyful or sad
faith is there

More 4th Dimension stuff...

Its really bizarre
we have a printer
and we have been getting emails
randomly from someones hotmail
someone on our floor
no idea what they look like
no work emails
only a random private email from hotmail

This happens about once a month
and only one comes
and obviously
its cause for chat and debate
again who it is and whether
they have sorted out their stuff
then we forget about it and her
for another month or so
chuck it in confidential waste etc
its not that important really
to any of us

yesterday we get a lead for some business
from someone from the newer part of the floor
its a one off and leads off the floor
dont come our way often
yeh,,, its her...
the unknown hotmail printerer
what the frick is going on!

why on our printer out of about 15?
and why do we get the lead
when there are about 20 others
who do the same thing
who it could have got given too?

spookey! in the 4th Dimension

Change & no coincidences

I am changing
and I dont know what into
I giess myself
I am angry at the moment
I cant stop moaning
about my perfect life!
well others see it as perfect
and I just want shut up
and talk all at the same time!
sometimes I think PMT is a liability
and sometimes its an asset
as how I really feel about people places and things
comes out and I cant hide!
and I have the change to
take stock and change

Something weird's going on
surreal night at home group
for 3 or 4 reasons
today was unreal too
dont know whats going on
everythings changing
and staying the same at the same time

whatever
is it a full moon or something?
I dont like it when I predict something
and it happens
even if its a good thing
its like being plugged in to this God stuff
and so is a few other people
yeh we are all one
some are more in tune than others

Hand in Hand with the spirit of the universe

God you are
we is
all are and is
at the same time
And Acceptance is the answer...

So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness.P132

I know praying works now
I do it
and it works
answers come
not in my time though
sometimes quickly
sometimes slowly
and if they dont...
well i'm not meant to know

Had a night out to go to
tonight
planned by colleagues
partly for my birthday
and partly for someone elses
last night
I decided I didnt want to go
yes a normal reaction...
head wants to run off and do its own thing
away from a
a potential joyful experience
and create another, run another show
self will run riot

prayed last night for the words to help me
"get out of it without appearing ungrateful
thoughtless, selfish and unsociable"
I was wanting a reasonable excuse
which would leave me with peace of mind
and them thinking "good" of me...
... no words came
this morning I was wondering how I could
not go, and maintain my peace of mind
... nothing came
I HONESTLY couldnt get out of this
yeh I could just NOT go
but I would have to live with myself
and I would know why..

I went to church this lunch
and prayed for my fear to be removed
prayed for patience and tolerence
prayed for my defects to be removed
and for victory over my difficulties
... what came was... go its only for 4 hours
and so what if they get you doing things
be of service, and sometimes that could
mean making a fool of yourself
or should that read taking part in something
funny and allowing yourself to be laughed at
as I will others who will also do it, possible
"belly dancing" haha! frick yeh
no you see why I didnt want to go!
I wouldnt have even done that drunk!
but you know I have done loads of stuff sober
that I wouldnt have done drunk
and you know what
who really gives a "toss"
its a laugh! SERVICE
let them have a harmless laugh at my expense
it dont feel victim like
it feels like taking part, being part of
with people who want to spend time with me
who aren't just out for a drink
eating and conversation... fun!

So we think cheerfulness and laughter
make for usefulness. 132

Anyway I digress
left the church convinced that I was ready
I had handed the whole thing over
I was ready to go and do what ever
10 minutes later
I arrived back to my desk...
someone said
did you get the email?
what email?
the one about tonight, its been cancelled!
what...
its been cancelled...
the person who had arranged it
got the complete hump
loads of people had suddenly dropped out
and it was cancelled...
she was really disappointed
that people just cahnged their minds
even though there was still
quite a few people up for it
she cancelled and lost it!

frik... scares me
I got what I thought I wanted
but actually I didnt need it
and I didnt know or think of the consequences
but I wont stop praying
what scared me most is that
whether praying had anything to do with this or NOT
if I had just not gone tonight...
made my dishonest excuses
(I had a very legitimate reason to be there)p101
( I feel in very fit spiritual condition)p101
(I had prayed)
(Mentally and physically I am well this week)
(H.A.L.T in tact, even been eating breakfast
..early in the morning)
staying away without HONEST motives
how thoughtless would that have been
she had made efforts and arranged extra stuff for us
gone out of her way to make it kinda special
and me I was just thinking of my self seeking self
like whether the guy at the gym I met
would be there if I went
and thinking that I am not that important
self self self

WRONG sometimes AT TIMES to some people I am

Went to the gym
guy not there...
hahahaha

peace of mind in tact
some dishonest guilt for the person with the hump
this too shall pass
a humble reminder - I too can be thoughtless
and God generally gives me what I need
a few lesson learned today

Holding out the hand of AA in the workplace

I really had no idea
how much stuff I have learned
and put into practice
in meetings
group consciences
in intergroup
in the phone office
its kinda just what I do
Its in my bones as they say

So when i have this guy at work break down
on me on Friday
and tell me... my abridged version
how he is out of control
he is tryinbg to control his drinking
his counselling is not working
the tranquilisers suck
and he cant do his job any more
and if he loses it it will be
the worst thing that could happen
his counsellor suggested
he stopped drinking
he briefly mentioned AA
he cried, he is so fragile
I wanted to put him in my pocket :(
But good news is, I didnt!
Nor get too involved
nor try to fix him in 5 minutes
see what happens...
wait and see what happens monday

I asked my manager what the alcohol
policy is at work and what they do
when someones work is affected by alcohol?
I ended up listening to how baffled she
was by this guys behaviour
and lack of understanding why he could not
not drink in the week when he said he would
and how she had overlooked so much stuff
with him and how much time she spent trying to help him
I asked her what she knew about alcoholism?
she said "I know very little, perhaps she ought to find out"
I am lucky to work with people who care!
I said that its sad how little people
know about alcoholism and addiction
and how will power is simply not enough
and that its an illness not something to be ashamed of
I said I have friends in AA who would be happy
to come and do a presentation on AA as a resource
for employers to offer employees
said they have a video, leaflets and Q&A session for management/HR
if she thinks it would help
also sent her the AA newcomers video link
and some other AA links
all without having to talk about me
mostly simply information providing
yeh she will put 2+2 together
and if she asks me I will discuss myself

At the moment, my primary purpose
is to help this guy, by being there
gentle but firm, planting seeds
offering the hand of AA
and my employer by informing them of
this VERY effective resource

There is something I feel now
which is strength
I am at a place where
This has obviously worked for me
I worked it
and I am taking the results into work
I feel safe and protected
On the firing line
See i am no longer suffering
I am recovered
But I am not cured
Always work in progress
Always a need to maintain
improve and pass it on

Willing to help this guy to a meeting
Willing to pass on Employement Liason and
Public Information details to employer
It all seems so effortless and natural
Gods will feels lovely

I love this fellowship knew I was not a hopeless case
I love that we have an effective remedy
I love that I have got well
I love that I feel lifted up and strong

Ear drops kinda working
Ear is SO sensitive!
Still have the pain
though the hearing is not so impaired
which tells me that the ear inflamation
must have reduced... abit!

Done loads a tidying and resting and home stuff today
studied abit
Really gonna have to push myself reading and writing wise
and pray really hard and more often to
bring my head back to whats in front of me

I am too easily distracted
by !!!! cleaning? God bloody help me!

there are no coincidences that this guy
has been moved to be one bank of desks behind me
and that my manager is called by the name she is
I wondered ages ago why...
now I know...
God really does move in mysterious ways!
simply amazing

Monday I need to pray for my ego
to be right sized
and to get my head down and do my job
put the rest in Gods Hands

Rachael's improving

Great news! Well done! Good work all round!

So am I !!
Studying again
its starting to make sense
after a couple of hours on the phone

Its weird, my phone kept defaulting to a lecture
and I wanted to hear another...
the default was actually the one I needed to hear
there are no coincidences

More optimistic
new phones excellent
playing my guitar helps when the head says no
as does an hour on the phone with another student
do you think its this? no its this isnt it?
no its this! where does it say that? here
oh well it must be. But is it? does it mean
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH
assignment half done, well more than half
its starting to become clear
feedback for yoga done
packing on the way, well thrown in a corner!
ipod letting it go until next week or next year
test at work will do this week

and I was interested in someone
now I have gone soft on them
nothing instant please, I dont like fast stuff God
Easy does it but do it, yeh i'll give it ago
if you think its time!?
we are in AA time dont forget
so it will be next year...or maybe the one after
unless you think i can handle fast!
I have no freakin idea, I forgot how it works
Leave it with you Cupid
i'll just keep turning up and asking questions
and staying as honest as I can

God said nothing back by the way....

I need to pray again
Step 3 stuff really
let go let god
I havent been
I am neglecting my conscious contact
feeling ordinary and part of the human race
but with an awareness unlike
much of the human race
leads to complacency
cruising along
which will at somepoint lead to fear
or perhaps a drink!
Keeping on the firing life p102
God will keep me unharmed
if my motives are good
I trust and believe this

I try and am on the right path
most of the time

I am VERY excited, and I have even started yet!!

Oh my God
This week has been a journey in itself
Got so much done
Its ALL fitted into place
Time management?
Nah its AA time
theres extra seconds in Gods AA time

Everything I need to do up to today
Is done
How cool is that?

Yesterday I went in search if the Library
Losing myself in the warrens inspite
of asking direction 3 times
A journey within the journey
Yeh I found it, awesome

Today I found my way round the building easy
(I'd walked the whole building last night)
Today I get excited about software
Thats available to make studying easier

Today whilst other people were asking
Whats the least amount of classes you have to attend?
But you cant rely on the tube?
When do the resits take place?

I find myself asking
What do I have to do to get a
First Class Honours Degree

Aim for perfection
Settle for excellence

he smiled and said we'll show you
one of the modules this semester

In each of the meetings I have
been to this week
they stress the importance
of turning up to everything
doing the preparation
your tutor will lead you in
reading material, research sources
everything

Tonight he said

We assume when you start the course
You know nothing about the subject
We suggest you turn up
keep turning up
follow instructions
at the end of the course
You will be autonomous and wont need us anymore

'uck me
Its not rocket science is it?

Today This feels right
This IS my time

Just for today I am unafraid

Here's a VERY well used piece of writing
from Nelson Mandela's Inaugural speech 1994
Its something I have on my wall at home
To the writer...Thank you

4 years ago
I would have loved this piece of writing
But I wouldnt have felt it
Not really, not in my heart
I would have wanted it
But it would have been out of reach

Today I can say I fully agree
Today I believe this absolutely
Today I am living this

whats made the difference?

having a desire stop drinking
Admitting and accepting I am an alcoholic
Admitting and Accepting without reservation I will never be able to drink safely
Accepting I suffer from a mental illness
Accepting I need spiritual help
Accepting I need to change
Stopping thinking and just doing it anyway
Being willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES
DOING the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
being willing to face, let go
and keep letting go of ALL my flawsp64
Trusting God absolutely
Good Sponsorship
Willingness to be of service
in and out of AA
Practicing Honesty
Openmindedness
Willingness
Humility
In all my affairs
AND KEEPING ON KEEPING ON

Tuesday, said goodbye to my home group
Let go with love, I have a lecture tuesdays

Today finally Mums Will was distributed
Money on its way across the world

Tomorrow, in search of a plumbers merchant
I have blocked pipes!!

yeh its amazing how much IS possible
these days

All this in one week
done more, but i need a bath...

And unlike Ms Gadget-Irish Friend
I haven't spree'd out on the latest Apple stuff!!
YET :)

Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances! p100

Today I have starry eyes
Filled with Love and Gratitude
Thank you

You are now entering the 4th Dimension - My chains fell off, my heart was free

I had the most bizarre conversation today

Hi its .... from ...
Well we have had the whole department
searching for your exam
and we have decided,we have lost you entrance exam
We aren't sure how, as only 3 of you sat it
and we have 2 of them here, its just yours
Pause (johno listened blinking)

and its undesirable for us to have you to sit the test again
pause (johno keep quiet)

so how do you think you did?
I dont know, thats what i was hoping you were going to tell me

well how do you think you did?
I found it hard

how hard, do you do this in your daily work life?
no I dont write essays, I have written reports
not like this though, I cannot compare the two
I haven't written an essay in nearly 20 years
I found it difficult

and so how do you think you would get on on the course?
I dont know, I know i will need help, as i said to you
on the open day, you do have the help there dont you?

yes we do
and do many people make use of it?

yes some people become dependent on it some people
just need help for certain aspects
well i would be someone that would get help definitely
johno's heart sank a little

would it suprise you if i was encouraged by your
honesty about your skill level? most people would have
said they, had breezed through the exam and would
be trying to impress a place on the course...
especially as we have lost your paper
but you arent
er no, i dont know if i will be able to do it
i dont know how much help i need, i just know I will need
help thats all, but i would like to
try this year to see how it goes
i would just like the opportunity to try
pause

ok, on that basis we will offer you a place
I will write the letter now
thank you

THANK YOU GOD
am blown away by opportunity

I watch what you do with others
I see what you do in others

letting go
Letting you
Giving all of me
Absolute trust
why wouldnt I?
everything i offer you absolutely
becomes Gold
Putting all of me in your hands
Is the BEST thing I have EVER done

You shown me in others what You can do
You take away their difficulties
and this helps me
and then when am willing and ready
you take away my difficulties
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help
Of Thy Power, Thy Glory, Thy Way of Life
May I do Thy Will always!

Will these tears of Joy ever stop?

The impossible just became possible!

THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES

Click the arrow above artist
Tim Hughes - Holding nothing back

Abridged
My chains fell of, my heart was free
I'm alive to live for you
I'm alive to live for you
Amazing Love, how can it be?
You gave evertything for me
You gave evertything for me
everything

Nothings gonna hold me back
Nothings gonna hold me back
Nothings gonna hold me back

Free to love
Free to give
Free to be

I'm Free to love You....

The Chalice Prayer - a gift from Susan

Father, to Thee I raise my whole being
- a vessel emptied of self. Accept, Lord
this emptiness, and so fill me with
Thyself - Thy Light, Thy Love, Thy Life
- that these Thy precious Gifts may
radiate trough me and overflow
the chalice of my heart into
the hearts of all with whome I
come in contact this day
revealing unto them
the beauty of
Thy Joy
and
Wholeness
and
the serenity
of thy Peace
which nothing can destroy

At church they sometimes give us these notes on the talk

I started out by filling these in

all enthusiastically and then got home and filed them

in a drawer never to be looked at again.

So I have tended recently to listen

make any relevent notes on my

phone. Note to self etc...

I picked up a note sheet as usual

and then as the talk went on just left it to one side

and listened....

I while into it

a woman flustered came in

perched at the side

and started making notes

she asked my neighbour a few things

and then started writing

she didnt have the "Notes"

I reached over and gave her mine

I hadnt wanted to

twice I decided against it

I wanted to keep it just in case

I was missing something

See my experience of previous times

shows me I have no need for these notes

NOT REALLY

What I miss, I can listen again

on the website HTB sunday talks

anytime I want

So I just leaned over and mumbled "here you go"

and gave her my notes

Her face shone

Like I had just given her a million pounds

it shocked me

See I dunno what people need or dont need

do i ?

Near the end, she leaned over

and mumbled, "she would like me to have this"

and passed me a copy of this prayer

At the end I stopped by her and thanked her

She said it means alot to her

someone had given it to her when her dad died

in africa

Fighting back the tears

I said it will mean alot to me now too cos my mum

died in africa last year

She "blessed me"

Introduced herself and I to her

and then we said Goodbye

AGAIN ... there are no coincidences

I have said this prayer this morning

Its lovely

And fits perfectly in

Thank you Susan

Oh and heres a couple more NEW friends Red Head Gal

and Rhonda, go say Hi if you havent met already!!

hey, how slow am I

I just realised, the prayer is in the shape

of a Chalice... how cool :D

happy bank holiday

Me am off to Guildford this afternoon

Do a chair

I have never been to Guildford

AA takes me places I would never have

otherwise strayed

geographically, mentally, physically

spiritually and emotionally

OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE

And for that I am grateful

Mums Will not Mine be done - Tradition 6

6. An A.A. group ought never endorse, finance or lend the A.A. name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

Ok, I am not an AA group
this is only my interpretation
of how I use this Tradition
in this area of my life today
This is not AA endorsed
Just a share of my experience
Of what helps me

With Will (thats Mums not mine)
have written out a first draft of the division
as I see it
will go over it again later
and send it off to brother
Strip to basics
Whats in the estate
how much is liquid
and how much isnt (groan)
BEFORE veering off
These things are rarely straightforward

If we could predict when we were gonna die
We would rewrite our wills just before
I am sure
Even then it wouldnt all fit with those left behind
I am sure

Thank God for Tradition 6
Its not my money, its a gift
For me, I have in the last few years
Has a closeness with my brother
across the miles that I never had before
and its lovely and gets stronger
he's even on facebook now LOL

With the help of Tradition 6
I will try and not let
Money, Property and Prestige
Divert me from my primary purpose
In this area of my life
Executing Mums will
Taking into account
what she did with "her estate"
post will
and before she died
and my brother
and his ex
and our neices/children
and me

In this area of my life
Being an responsible executor
But not a megalomaniac
Being a beneficiary
but not a victim
Doing the right thing TODAY
As opposed to what the will says, when it was written
Trying to walking a mile in my deceased mums shoes
with the help of my DAD, his fiance, mums best friend
my brother, his ex
and my own knowledge, and spiritual principles
Prayer and God
Not putting money before Love
I love my brother more than I love money its true
I would give all this money to him rather than lose him

I would rather let go of all the money than my sobriety
over a resentment, thank God for Step10's and Prayers

Fighting over this
Is not Mums Will
lying down, legs in the air and doing the dying fly
Is not in Mums will either

Thats how it is today, its real
Money is right sized, its true
First though is... I want my share, all of it, I cant wait for it
and my mental defense God kicks in any says
well its only money, a gift from your Mum
and what you gonna spend it on TODAY ?
Needs not wants Johno (Stella ;)
Love and Service and Tradition 6

Setting and example
Confronting whats written
without aggression or fear
without greed
without arrogance, rigidness
Confronting what we are dealing with
even though its abit messy
Its not as bad as some peoples estates I hear

Thankfully I dont feel a victim in all this
Nor do I feel that I have all Power
Just gratitude for trying out this stuff
on yet another area of my life
which will undoubtedly help me
and my brother and the kids

The fact that I have a large sum of money in my account
and I dont have a cash card to draw any money from it
cos I lost it, last week...

YOU TELL ME THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES
I dont think so God

yeh am dealing with this grown up like
as it should be
no running, no spending before its sorted
no doing things without
full agreement with brother
being transparent with it all
no woolly figures
all exact (as it can be)
no fear no limits
no victims, just volunteers
Its lovely

the will states x
due to whats happened since the Will being written
and before death
means that to rigidly stick to
"I want my share"
would be time consuming and costly
peoples homes to be sold
lives turned upside down
inorder to rigidly say
this is what am due

Read to the end of Tradition 6..
heres how it works for me

But Johno they tell me
you are due your share...
we wouldnt have written the will like that...
the money shouldnt have got spent like that...
he must give up some of his share...
they are his kids not your problem....
he always gets what he wants...
my old ideas agree

old ideas no longer match my perfect ideal
Spiritual principles do match my perfect ideal
and I love what they already have done for me
and I trust they will for this too
And acceptance is the answer...
Whats written is done... cannot be changed
part has been pre divided is done... cannot be changed

My response today is
"I know that" I said
"But this is no time for legalities
Alcoholics Anonymous,
has given me tools so I am NOT driven by
greed or a belief that money will bring me happiness
or improve my relationship with my brother
and neices, without money already I have these two things
in abundance, beyond anything I could ever have dreamed,
and AA saved my life,
I wont be the guy to land
my sobriety, my ego, my mind in Big time trouble,
and this would really do it"

Oddly enough this money comes with a price
and its simply that
I must be willing to give it all away
(it being money)
to keep it
(it being sobriety, serenity and peace of mind)
and so I shall

Gods in charge

Ford is calling in the Big Guns

It seemed very surreal
randomly deciding to get on the Northrn Line
at Clapham Common the otherday
and sitting smack opposite this...

Flippin eck, Michaelangelo

Right I'm off to the park
catch some rays