I've changed my attitude and I like it

There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen-we sent them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don’t delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone. P83

As a teenager I completely turned my back on
the Christian faith and anyone
and judged ALL who came out
and Jesus lovers/Christians and God believers
as one and the same... all self righteous
judgemental hypocrites

Why? a christian... new christian
full of it, bathing in it, on fire
called me a sinner, not fit to breathe

From that day, I turned away completely
I wasn't turning towards before entirely
but I was indifferent, ignorant really blissfully
unwilling and frightened that I would
become like that, judgemental and hypocritical
unloving, arrogant

I didn't hear the message because I had shot the messenger
and shielded myself through avoidance
and self righteous, arrogance that I didnt need
or care for any of it, it made no sense
ALL Christ followers and God followers are the same
and really I had no place with them

Through willingness to open my mind
taking part in various activities
in what I see as Step 11
simply a way to improve my conscious contact
by doing The Alpha Course

I had my mind changed
I havent become a Christian
I have laid to rest prejudices I held
against Christians and God of Christians
I have made a heap of friends
just by being willing, openminded and honest
teacheable
I have also improved and strengthened
my own conscious contact with the God of my own understanding

Today I have come full circle
I cannot turn the clock back and
make friends with all the Christians I turned away
from in the past

what I can do different
and it seems what I have done different
and I am doing different
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.P84

AS THE RESULT OF THESES STEPS these few weeks
is not let the messenger alter the message
THE Message that I have come to understand
from experiencing, letting in face to face
is one of Love, tolerance, forgiveness
understanding, integrity, willingness
joy and peace, friendship
hand in hand with the same God
God is Love
If God is Jesus and Jesus is God
then am happy with that
they both Rock, I have no need to debate

I have also not let this messenger
taint my feelings towards
Christians who I know and love
or future frineds I dont know yet
like I did the last time
see this is progress

Nothing is ever wasted
I havent enjoyed the last few weeks
but then you never promised me prefection
I wondered what was going on
Wrestling with a pig, I havent enjoyed it
I didnt notice I was doing it
well I wouldnt would I? I had mud in my eyes
Self will run riot (my own)
now I have surrendered
I have learnt something!
I have changed
I have no wish to go backwards
I dont have to like everybody
I can choose today
Saying nothing not getting involved
is not a sign of weakness
I chose to take part
I chose to stop
I can also say no to abuse today

Everything teaches me
I learn from everything

Stay teacheable
Humility

Loving AA and all its gifts

I had an interesting
albeit emotional weekend
accepting and making the best of something
that I cannot change
I have had to fit myself to it
tears before in preparation
restraint of tongue and pen during
and loads of laughs
when I fit myself in and see
beauty of the forest! P50
But thats another post

Ok homework to do
and day off tomorrow! way hay!!

thanks for every comment
the last few weeks
you helped me become and see
the person I am today

A Little less Conversation A little more ACTION

a practical program of action.P9

We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action.P17

Then they outlined the spiritual answer and program of action which a hundred of them had followed successfully.P42

Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action,P63

Chapter 6 INTO ACTION P76

We have then completed Step Seven. Now we need more action, without which we find that “Faith without works is dead.”P76

Before taking drastic action P80.

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism.P85

when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.P87

But this is not all. There is action and more action. “Faith without works is dead.” P88

To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action.P93

Outline the program of action P94

After satisfying yourself that your man wants to recover and that he will go to any extreme to do so, you may suggest a definite course of action P142

The two friends spoke of their spiritual experience and told him about the course of action they carried out.P157

In other words, if you think you may be an alcoholic
If you have tried to stop drinking or tried to control your drinking
and found you can't, and you have decided AA probably is for you
even though you dont really want it to be...

fed up of listening to the sound of your own head?
Fed up of listening to the sound of your own voice?

Stop thinking and do the steps
if you are on Step 1 and want step 12
Dont wait til you get well before doing the steps
Dont wait til your life gets better before doing the steps
Dont rely on pink clouds
Self knowledge is not enough
Self will is not enough - and its hard work
Get well by using the steps
Do the steps, all of them in order
The lift to sobriety is broken, please use the steps
Get on with the programme
Get a Sponsor and do the steps
Less analysis, more action
Quit debating
Do not delay
Stop Fighting
Surrender to Win
Take the cotton wool out of your ears and put it in your mouth
Do the steps
Trust the process
Its a Programme of Action, not thinking
Post step 9
Maintain, improve, and pass it on
and practice these principles in ALL you affairs
Step10, 11, 12 in ALL your affairs

Its so damn worth it!!

Act your way into right thinking
Not think your way into right acting

An a Word from God via His Chief choir boy



A little less conversation, a little more action please
All this aggravation aint satisfactioning me
A little more bite and a little less bark
A little less fight and a little more spark
Close your mouth and open up your heart and baby satisfy me
Satisfy me baby

God wants us Happy, joyeous and free...

Gods will not mine be done

Enjoy not endure

its true :)

Personal Fitness

The thing about blogging is that
I get to see how you guys do life

It shows up my shortfalls
It shows up my strengths

A post this week on Recovery Archive
and a comment back by Bouncing on the Bottom
around the subject of Personal Fitness, Food and Excersize
has pricked my conscience AGAIN
you got me looking from an entirely differnt angle
which is always good thing

I also had an email exchange with my personal
trainer which ended up with her telling me
to "stop making excuses and get down the gym"
or you'll end up with a squidgy butt"

Heard similar before somewhere "these are just
excuses stop balking and get on with the steps"
So i shut up, its me thats just stopping me
Get over yourself Johno

Trainer barked "getting down there once a week would be a start!!
Its true, once a week would be better than "nonce" a week
(er can I use that word in this context?)
I mean better than not atall
She cant do it for me, she just sets the programme
I've got to do the work

Ive just been down the gym
she's right, i do feel better
75mins, did nearly all she set me

Personal Fitness it seems is a way of life
not something of a chore, a luxury or something
I might just get addicted too, like some
excersize junkies, I see on TV

Taking care of myself, with the help of someone (a personal trainer)
that knows better than me "Get with the programme Johno!!"

Seems am suffering from contempt prior to investigation
A huge amount of self will, self righteous, arrogance
and am afraid of becoming what I want to become
an alround fit ass

Sometimes its my fear of success that hold me back
just as much as my fear of failure used to

anyway I've done it now, once this week

Thank you :-)

Experience Strength & Hope

Personal relations
Practicing these principles
from relying on people
to reliance upon God
(as I understand him)

What it was like
I spent all my life
looking for the the right person
to wave a magic wand and fix me
when i saw other people were vulnerable too
i tried to fix them

I thought that if i just hung around them
I would feel better
if i listened to their "wise" words
i would be ok
the wise words were simple "common sense"
to me it was a different language

Its true, i felt better when i was with them
it wore off when i wasnt
i just felt restless irritable and discontented
but i kept going back for more
unable to leave it alone
always believing next time would be the one
i would get this thing they had
when i didnt
I felt really useless
and i resented them for not being able
to get through
they eventually fleed, or drifted away
or I rejected them

What happened ?
Being in AA its like I got to start again
only it took a while to realise
that i still was behaving the same way
I couldnt see what was I was doing
for a long while, when I did I didnt like it
and even more scary, this honest program
of action was forcing me to do something about it
(no person did made me do this,
the process weeded it out and I had a choice
change or die)
To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live
on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives
to face. But it isn't so difficult.P44

I got to find out exactly I had that
was of use "assets" and what the "deadwood"
A cluster of old ideas I have HAD to let go of
- my sponsor knows the answer to everything. Wrong
- people will fix me and I will fix other people. Wrong
- If someone is sad, and they talk to me, i should
make them laugh of course its my duty. Wrong
- People will always be there. Wrong
- All AA's are reliable. Wrong
- AA's always tell the truth. Wrong
- Just because they dress well, they must be ok. Wrong
- just because they've been around the fellowship
since man first crushed grapes, they are the dogs bollocks
and must be my first point of contact for EVERYTHING. Wrong
- Just because "part of the herd" seems to respect them
they must be right. Wrong
- I must know all the answers and all possible combinations. Wrong
- If I have the best sponsor I will stay sober. Wrong
- Simply attending lots of meetings will keep me sober. Wrong
- Solely talking to God will make it all alright. Wrong
- Spending time alone with "Virtual people" is enough. Wrong
ok enough...i need to stop and get to the point

What happened again?
I reached a point a few years ago
When my idea that my sponsor would eventually
comeup with a the magic link in the chain
finally ran out of steam
I was left feeling afraid
I wanted to reject before being rejected
I wanted to eject, run away and stay
at the same time
Disillusionment and helplessness are his lot. In time all his protectors either flee or die, and he is once more left alone and afraid. Step 4. 12x12

This reliance I had had of people
this belief that someone would eventually
come up with a cure for my ucked upness
was crumbling
It wasnt the sponsor that was at fault
it was my 30 year old idea that had no depth
Reality set in, as did fear

I had heard in AA lots of times that
what I put before my recovery I will lose
Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.P98

I had heard that My reliance must be on a Power
Greater than myself
I had heard that a for AA itself
a Loving God is the ultimate authority. Tradition 2
I had heard and experienced that people will let me down
eventually
My ideals for people and myslef to live upto
were way to high, there is only one thing
that seemed to fit this gap
I couldnt change myself and neither could my sponsor
This problem I had was beyond human aid
(a)That we were alcoholic and could
not manage our own lives.
(b)That probably no human power could have
relieved our alcoholism.
(c)That God could and would if He were sought. P60
My sponsor had faith that was enough

It was a time when Steps 2 & 3 were making
that journey from the head to my heart
Gulp, I duuno what to do
If you want to learn how to swim
Take lessons
Even when you had lessons
When your teacher says jump in for the first time
Its a risk we have to take that the instructions
will work, even though we see it works for others
we have fear that we are special and different
its about faith and works

just jumping in isnt enough
we have to work the arms and legs and breathe
if we do just one or two it will be ok
to do it all at the same time, they way we are shown
it will be better
trust your teacher wouldnt have suggested it if
they didnt think it would be ok
(well yeh, ok there are some dubious teachers)
So basically I had to rely on God
either God is everything or else He is nothing.
God either is or He isn´t. P53
I knew this, but didnt know how to do this
I always scared of this leap of faith
We were grateful that Reason had brought us so far.
But somehow, we couldn´t quite step ashore. P53
that there would be no water in the swinmming pool
the day I got round to jumping in
(I still thought I was special and different)
That was natural, P53

But again my fear was driving a BIG FAT LIE
Paralysed by fear
I had to jump anyway, just fucking do it
Enough of the analysis

I likened it to stage diving, like they do
jumping off the stage, diving onto the crowd
trust they will not be ripped to pieces
and they will be returned to the stage
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has
thoroughly followed our pathP58

But there is One who has all power-that One is God P58
I found him and I haven't let go since
Why would I, only an act of pure self will and sabotage
would let go of this thing now
A new life has been given us or,
if you prefer, a design for living that really works P28

What seemed at first a flimsy reed,
has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God.P28

By praying
and using the tools I had been given so far
I was led to I needed and wanted to go next
being teachable it was easy
I knew it was the right thing
With some still doubt
I rally drove all the tools i had been given
and they didnt let me down

I found someone who had absolute faith
in a loving God
someone who had just that
that was the only thing I wanted from them
to show me their journey through the steps
and how they have and absolute faith in
their Loving Higher Power

What its like now
I did it like they did
and guess what
I have that thing now
absolute unshakeable faith
and its lovely

Its God I rely on
Prayer and the tools
Yeh sometimes I get absurd Ideasp87
I do seek counsel at times
doesnt have to be with my sponsor

The more I work with God (as I understand it)
the stronger I am inside
The spiritual surgery works
we find that our thinking will,
as time passes, be more and more on the plane
of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.P87

People do teach me, I just dont rely on them

God is

I have made huge progress
and am still work in progress on this one
am willing to grow some more
its all gonna be ok
I am in safe hands

I Quit the Debating Society

I asked the question "Am I recovered?"

An old timer I would consider "recovered"
uttered along the lines of
"We alcoholics can get in to heated discussion about things"
he gave me his definition
yeh made sense
still not satisfied

I spoke with my sponsor yesterday
who uttered, how can we be sure ?
the person is practicing these principles in all there affairs?
am I sure they are ?

the truth is i dunno
the answer now seems irrelevent

What I do know is that this question
has diverted me from my primary purpose
At my home groups
Its not helpful for me to hang around
debating whether I am recovered or not
(me the great me)

Johno Just Get Over Yourself
And get on with it
cos inevitably if pursued further
will lead to you
making a complete ass of yourself

Thank you Friend of Bill
for your .. We are never "cooked" post this week

Letting in the sunlight

having taken inventory
and prayed
an answer came

I had to let go of an AA commitment
Its amazing how letting go
of 1 evening a month
has lifted the world off my shoulders

I dont have to do it all
its not spiritual or comfortable
to try and know it all
my pride and self will
often block Gods will
progress not perfectionism

When my will is in line with Gods Will
all the doors seem to open
every step seems more effortless

Just letting go of that 1 thing
somehow opens up the channels on other stuff

Am currently praying on career progression
change in direction
something I wanted years ago
something I couldnt imagine getting into nowadays

pre AA and in early recovery
I wasnt happy with my jobs
I always wanted to change
to something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

nowadays, I know what I am good at
I know where my God given powers/skills lie
(or some of them anyway)
nowadays I can see that to completely change
direction is not something i need to do
its not necessary

It seems God has plans for me
plans which use the career skills i already have
and require some studying
to move in a slightly different direction

But it is in the direction I wanted years ago
This is bizarre, God is all powerful
My path is being corrected

Currently putting in the footwork
letting go of the outcome
all doors are opening

Fear rising
Faith rising higher
The truth is setting me free

Anythings possible

god am grateful

Also grateful
Sponsee starting to come out of the fog
Am grateful the answer which came the other day
Sponsee also got the same message
I love it, I didnt have to do anything

had a conversation with another AA
"am i recovered?"
I am recovered from that hopeless state of body and mind
I am no longer suffering
I dont feel like I used too
I do not drink
I have no desire to drink
I am not embarrased that I dont drink
the promises have come true
I have direction
I am useful
I am happy
I have fun
I know what to do today
I have hope
i feel like just another human (imperfect)
I am ok with me, all of me
I feel lucky to have a programme
I am not reliant on human to fix me
I am not cured of alcoholism
"am I recovered?"

I vowed I would NEVER go down the gym again

I have booked a "chat" with a personal trainer!!

Vanity & pride, maybe thats driving it
Nothing! is firm anymore!!

I have a wedding to attend, with lots of
stick like people, no date set yet

Or is this interest in the Gym just another
predictable result of the steps...? Who cares
I'll run!? with it... see what happens

Anyway, this dropped in my inbox today, it had me
in stitches today especially the triceps bit!!!
Hope you Enjoy it tooooooooooooooooooooooo


A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my 24th birthday this year, my friend Werner purchased a week of personal training at the Virgin health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing for my varsity rugby team 18yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

Werner seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a moped in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if she didn't want dents in the floor, she shouldn't have handed me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, Werner (the idiot) will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root canal or a vasectomy!!

RELAPSE TO DEAD IN 8 WEEKS

Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely P58

My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. P43

If their old relationship is to be resumed it must be on a better basis, since the former did not work P99

For a while they would be their old sweet selves, only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once more P107

But all problems will not be solved at once. Seed has started to sprout in a new soil, but growth has only begun. In spite of your new-found happiness, there will be ups and downs. Many of the old problems will still be with you. This is as it should be. P117

You will lose the old life to find one much better P120

Family confidence in dad is rising high. The good old days will soon be back, they think.....Though the old buildings will eventually be replaced by finer ones,the new structures will take years to complete. p123

The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt -- and one more failure P151

Again it was the old, insidiousinsanity -- that first drink P154

He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will knowloneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-offplace. He will wish for the end P152

A friend of mine commited suicide this week, she relapsed in June, had a nervous breakdown, and now she is dead. A progressive illness, RELASPE TO DEAD IN 8 WEEKS. Her last messages to me were ones of loneliness & a need for the light to be shed on her darkness.

ITS A KILLER ILLNESS, IT WANTS TO GET US ON OUR OWN AND KILL US.

DONT EVER LISTEN TO YOUR OLD THINKING JOHNO, CHECK IT OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS (ME) BETTER BEFORE ACTING OUT ON IT.

YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL OR DIFFERENT, DO IT OR DIE

Am grateful to have known Kim, in such a short time, we became friends

AA am grateful that i am alive and sober today, with a Sponsor thats shoots from the big book.

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves COULD restore us to sanity" P59 by getting honest about my, old obsessive/destructive behaviour which i didnt know what to do with, except suffer with alone & dishonestly act out on, with fear. I got some hope tonight & a little calm. I became willing.

From what I can see & correct me when i am wrong, hanging on to, or acting out on, OLD ideas/thinking/behaviour only brings misery & pain... according to what I read in the Big Book tonight.

All pages quoted from Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book)

Kim VS you are with the Angels, no longer suffering

here goes

What I am suffering from is 'disillusionment'. this is my chance to learn how to deal with this. Its part of growing up and replacing expectations and idealism with THE UNFLATTERING AND VERY IMPERFECT TRUTH. And then accepting life as an IMperfect entity. if its not honest, it will cause me pain. End of. Thank you Sponsor.

At least I know now, gonna pray to be shown what it means now, pray to be shown the where am disillusioned, pray for the UNFLATTERING & VERY IMPERFECT TRUTH.

The truth always sets me free. Its true. Even if i dont like it. Thats it, all bets are off once i do that prayer. This is a real trust that my Higher Power will NOT give me more than I can handle..... Gonna sleep on that prayer. Not sure am 6&7 on disillusionment and the rest tonight.

I want the rose tinted specs to be off, i started to lift them up, for a few minutes at a times recently. Seeing the world & its people for what it is. I really don’t want to. But my fantasy world in my head is not very enjoyable anymore, I want to play outside now, see it what its really like, see if its true what you all say....that its ok really.

Give myself a choice to stay in or go out of my head, each day seems sensible choice to give myself. But I have to experience the outside first, in order to tell my head that I don’t want to be in there. I want to know what its really like outside myself. But I have to wait to finish step8 first.

Exciting stuff. I never been out there, not really out there, is there anybody out there?

Bit of a Maths problem going off today triggered off by my share this afternoon. Am on step8, theres 12 steps in the programme. I thought I only had 4 to do, but the truth is i got 5, because I havent finished 8 yet. That means 5 from 12 is 7, one above 6. That means i only just over half way through the programme. In my head, i was 3/4 of the way through. I told you my heads full of shite. (erm would that be disillusioned even? huh what was that... I DONT REMEMBER SLIPPING A QUICK PRAYER IN THERE, God/HP you are so funny. NOT :-)

The truth re the maths is NO your not finished yet Johno, no where near, its a 12 step programme, not 7+1/2. Get on with it, suffering is optional, but it becomes more likely the longer I balking on the steps. Even if I do feel happy joyeous and free, theres still room for improvement, look at last nights grand performance. You Drama Queen.

Grateful to the point of considering handing out sick bags in meetings at the moment. Is this real what am feeling or is my gratitude deluded? I dont care, i like it.

Step8 am half way through the 3rd column & the final column, half way through, thats HALF FRICKING WAY THROUGH.... keep on keeping on, keep on keeping on, keep on keeping on until told otherwise. yeeeeey

HALT

I am spending too much time on this.

Its a distraction which I want but dont need. Step work already spins my head around when am working on it, and thats ok, i am accepting that, it always clears, and leaves me in a better place.

But the longer I delay DOING it, the longer I will be in this slight state of restless, irritable, discontentedness. The longer I delay, the bigger it will become. Unmaneageability is setting in. Time to put my recovery first, HALT, steps.

It doesnt say a blog will keep me sober.

THE STEPS ARE THE KEY

Attack of pride

This blogs taking up alot of hours, going on about whats in my head. But then I dont want to forget this journey, so much is amazing, I want a log, if i didnt type, it would get written down and take up a long time, so its what i need & want to do at the moment.

And then am thinking it must be fucking boring for other people, and then am thinking, well who the fuck do you thinks reading it ? no one, me the great me. Rather arrogant.

But if you are and your bored, well just dont read anymore, you already know its boring :-) insanity is repeating the same behaviour and expecting the same results.

Anyway when I write for you, I get resentful when you dont comment, so have to remind myself, am writing for me about me, when am bored of me, i'll write about something else, or jack it in.

Me me me

Anyway. Enuff. am gonna log off T'internet & do a some of step ate or sleep, not sure yet.

What would happen to this blog If I drank ?

Hows it work then ?
Blog my feelings, go on about how much better I feel since sponsor/steps, working it, but what if i drank ? what woud that mean to all this ? Tradition 11, hows it apply to this ? I suppose if I honestly blog then drink again...the evidence will be here, I will have a record of what lead to it, and so will you. You will be able to draw your own conclusions (thats if anyone ever stumbled across me blog)

going bed. dont know how am gonna get to work in the morning. Probably Join the crammers.