Open mind open heart

Spent last week living in a field
2nd year running
amazing singing/voice camp

This year beautiful Devon sun
Plungepool in the Holy brook
Compost loos
Bucket hot showers
cooking for each other
Campfire
Organic food
15 beautiful racehorses regularly playing
Thundering up and down the next field
Makes yr hair stand on end
Good friends
Face painting
Harmony singing
Chanting
Busking
Blues
Poetry

amazing creative
Inspiring
Encouraging

So safe you have to do something
Taking a risk becomes the thing to do

all obstacles are removed
No excuses

Writing 15 songs since
Learning how to write a song
last camp
This year became more
About performing them live
Singing and playing
Live infront of the other 89
Singers, non singers,musicians,
Children, friends, teachers
Such a fab environment

Seems my path is taking 2 strands
At the moment
Faith and singing, songwriting, performing
Its also about teaching others

I need to be taught how to....

Can feel it will all come together at somepoint
But not sure how
Yet its exciting
All the preparation

Just found out there is one place left on a leaders
Singing workshop its beem suggested i go on

Creating community choir,
accessible for all
Nothing to do with church singing
Everyone can sing,
No need to read music
if you can speak you can sing :-)

If you told be 13 months ago i would be doing
All this id have said yr bonkers!

Oh well
Openmind
Opem heart
Anylengths
Having fun :-)

Missing camp!!

Programme of Action

Last week

Went into Meditation
Listening
and Prayer time
speaking
With God a I understand Him

Prompted to write a gratitude list
thats it?

next day
Huge wave of sadness and loss
unclear exactly what

next day
feelings of loss
feelings of change
not sure what still

next day
heart broken
soul unprotected
soul told me what it needed
soul told me what I was/nt doing
I heard what I needed to hear

and did what I needed to do

Its about
honesty
willingness
openminded
humility

raw, naked, vulnerable
and turned up breathing the next day
and started on a new footing
more honest again
this is about me
my actions and motives

Keep on Keeping on
programme of action
not thinking

do not delay

yeh its raw and hurts
and punctures my ego
but nothing like
the continual misery and hopelessness
I used to feel

this recovering emotional cripple
is getting cooked

I still cant quite believe
the chain of events last week
internal shift and external I suppose

The age of miracles is till with us p153

Growing pains
:)

frrrrreeeeezin here

72 Hours after - racing round the the hole in the sand

Am telling you
there are no coincidences
why people are put in our paths
I feel so blessed at times
completely humbled and ungrateful
because I overlook
how much I have been helped
and how much better it is
to be honest
not vague

the hole in the sand
I have been racing round
I realise I have been protecting
the part of me that was crushed
and disabled at an early age
to such an extent that it
never stood a chance
it had no choice
I just bin protecting
guarding
building a fortress round it
and hoping for a miracle
waiting for my love to find
the soul it can be free with

Spending time recently with
special needs people has given me
an insight into how amazing
joyeous and loved and accepted
yeh a challenge at times aswell
I am sure

Special needs are
there are parts of us
human race and us ourselves

Special needs require
time, patience, love
nurturing, space, support
strength, awareness
listening,
we need other feedback to guide us
above in italics are not my words
but it really hit home

I feel upset when I see someone
being treated less than
protected, unable to try
miss opportunities
be treated differently
so why to I inflict all this
on a part of me that is special needs?
perhaps because I had no idea
that I was until today

Happy joyeous & free?
hmm not for this special needs part of me
Freedom would be finding out
asking for the truth
if the chemistry set appears to be out
and then exploring what unfolded
dealing with it piece by piece
regardless of whether
I read it right or wrong
not sitting wondrin
if this part of me will ever
know how freedom feels

Today I saw face to face
that I shut down
I dont wont explore
intimacy or what appears to be
intimacy when its not clear
whether its real or fiction
and I wont find out
through fear of getting vulnerable
rejected, abandoned
I have no idea how to
yet I did today
exploring a situation
rather clumsily though honestly
with an extremely patient saint
who I feel I tried the patience of!
came to see what i do/did/am doing
will not ask for clarity
fear of rejection
ego puncture
abandonment
so I just carry on
not knowing the truth and wondrin
and this disabled part of me
kind of waves, gagged up
shrugs and goes back to sleep again
feeling lost and ignored
unworthy and unable

what happened to my faith in
Keep on the firing line of life with
these motives and God will keep you unharmed P102
well I just never applied it to this
because I didnt know was my problem was

Am tellin you
I am knackered
didnt do much work today
as mind elsewhere
in virtual counselling session
in and out of tears
clumsily picking through
honestly and carefully
feeling gratitude to my mate!
yet fearful now, I got so raw

yet on the way home
I stopped off and spoke with
a friend I needed to clarity
on some comments he had made
which I needed to know the truth about
as our friendship could change
depending on what he meant
I went and asked him
he told me
and I pray
this is how its done
he was glad I had asked
I was glad I could ask
I was glad I could open up
get raw, vulnerable
and get it wrong :-D
wrong as in not the outcome
my loneliness part of me wanted
yet right in the where we are now
because it could really
have complicated everything
then I would have had to learn
how to have a relationsip!!!!
awwwwww noooo not yet.... ;D

practice practice
get into the habit of asking
I dont want to live not knowing
I want honest relationships
not blurry edges
I want to accept people as they are
and be accepted
that doesnt mean I dont care attitude
that means most people I meet thesedays
and I include myself in this
are at various stages of
problems
recovery
change
maintenence
enjoyment
in all walks of life
so I guess it means
getting real and open to grow
letting other get real
and somehow fitting in together
i dunno

Gone through varous extremes this week
including I dont want live anymore...
which indicates I reached a turning point

I am grateful to my teacher, listener
helper, guide, friend, spirit, God
who each helped

whats tomorrow?
I dunno, I am afraid tho... !

Step 2 ... Faith ... Hope ... In something thats not me

I am feelinh hopeful
i have been reading
praying
and feeling lighter

i have hope
i havr faith
i have never read about
overcoming abuse

i have never looked at it
as the work if the devil/satan before
only that god did not
have hand in it or stopping it
why? I dunno
strangely thats not so important
i am just glad to find something
that makes sense
and some scripture
to consider and pray over
i feel better
i believe i could be restored
in some way in this area

healing has begun this week
further acceptance its
going to take time
36+ years of brainwashed
in this part of my thinking
is going to take a miracle

i just need You (the great yo)
to keep telling me the trutg
see through the lies i dont know are lies

i am grateful to me sponsor
for challenging me this week
on some lies which i didnt know
were lies
they has been in my head ages
old ideas, maybr true once
but not
now!!

Grateful for all your comments
this week

encouragement touches my heart
and is part of healing
as is straight talking and
common sense
as is humour :)

2 more sleeps :D

Maybe good Maybe bad

I went for Physio yesterday
feeling yet again that this will never end
more exersizes
no real end insight
slight improvement
I have been here before
and wondering again
whats the plan in store for me
accepting and trusting
even though i don't like
this slowness that I am forced
to take as the result of
physical disability
with no real resolution ahead

I sat on the beach after
and counted a few blessings
watching the kitesurfers
reflecting on how much I wanted to
learn this and still do
yet I wonder how different this last
12 months is likely to have been
had my physical health been
sufficient to give me the confidence
and strength to undertake this
strenuous, and very exciting extreme sport?

I watched them out there
at one with the wind and the water
slightly envious yet seeing the
isolation of the sport
you and the elements nature
whilst you are out there with others
its not a team or socially interactive
except probably off piste!

I know that although God brought me
away from all that I know
he didnt want me alone
he showed me the Salvation Army
and gave me a church family

Had I had my way from the start
I would have learned Kitesurfing
and spent most weekends and energy
learning and surfing
all summer I THINK! nah I KNOW!
I believe that if I had pushed myself
I could have still learned
yet through prayers
Thy will not mine
I have been led around a different path
and I am glad that I have

Its likely that I wouldnt have
developed the friendships I have at church
started and lead a hobby group
build a relationship with my pastor
get involved with volunteering in the kitchen
go regularly on Sundays
be present in mind when I attend and take part
be willing to be led in where God wants of me
try new things
read the bible in a disciplined fashion
develop my relationship with jesus
help develop others relationship with Jesus
lead a weekly bible study
be willing to listen to what others see in me
consider a role within church
consider Christianity this seriously
physically I have spent more time locally
at home with cat
being a neighbour
slowing down
acting - my age!
listening to the silence
listening for that still small yet very firm voice
that I hear so often

self will
I could have done all of the above
but most would have been on a superficial level
it would have got in the way
its un likely I would be this involved at church
and enjoying it (mostly!!)
like i am
if i have taken up kitesurfing
I would have got what I wanted
who knows I may still get it

See Gods plan I can see its not ruled out
its just a not yet

A physical handicap
may not get me what I wanted
but I am glad that God gave me what I needed
and I feel blessed

weak yet strong

see so when I say that I doubt
what I know and believe
When I am growing along spiritual lines
I am forced to challenge that which
I know to be true YESTERDAY
and change, let go of ideas
that are not working in the present
forced to look at my motives
beliefs, feelings, everything
over and over again
and let go of the deadwood
i learned this in step 5

God wants me back to my purest state
the way he created us in Genesis
how can I rebel and follow my own will
self seeking, pleasure etc
it will not sustain me long term

the spiritual life is about
growing up
letting go of instant gratification
works first
and whatever comes after

At times however
because there seems so much work to do
on myslef and for/with others
I have to work at lightening up!

ordinary living

not sure
where I am at
So I am not saying very much at the moment
just doing the actions
in all areas
not really thinking
much

back to prayer
and learning who God is!
and how he lived and died

part of me is feeling peaceful
and part of me is standing with the challenge
faith is huge
I know that I can make it (with You)
though theyre doing me wrong
something inside is strong
and prayer is keeping me strong inside
keeping the light shining brightly
though it flickers and almost snuffs out (it feels)
even when though outside seems hard and emotionless
yet really it is burning steadily
even when I dont think it is
something inside so strong
IT IS

is this for real? yes
in whose name?


faith and prayer
allows me to do things with dignity
i have no idea why I am being asked
to do these things
gonna do it anyway

Humility

Humility
Humility is rare because to have it you have to want nothing, yet when you have it you get everything.


Innerspace

Elton John - Can you feel the love tonight?

No Projecting - Self will run riot!

See I purposely didnt mention
symptoms or what I think it could be
or whether I agree with any test
for what it could be
it doesnt matter what I think
it matters what I know
and today I dont know

Thank you for your Care

today I am paying attention
to what my body is telling me
or revealing to me
I am realising
that there are a few more symptoms
I have been "ignoring"
or not linking up
that i need to mention in my phone call
monday
Self awareness
Honesty
Step 1 stuff
or is it Step 10!

Honesty
willingness
openmindedness

Yeh man I am afraid
and at the same time have faith

Mentally I am thinking about that
thing that when a person is about to die
they often get closer to God
I see moving towards Gods Will and Good
moving towards perfection
which is different to a none obstacle ridden life
which is part of the process

I mentioned a little while back that
if Get what want wil I then die?
all my dreams are coming true
I dreamed of doing the degree
I dreamed of a beach house
I dreamed of having a garden
I am getting it
so will I die when I have perfection?
well my idea of perfetion?
its a weird thought process I am going here

Its reminded me of when I was doing step 1 and 2
and I could not imagine how it would be
if I could manage and excel in all the stuff
I found to be unmanageable when I drank
and in early.. recovery
it scared me to think that I would ever get any of these things
so often self will and fear wanted me not to proceed
to turn away from Care
I assumed I would be given this new manageability
to deal with overnight
with the tools of a newcomer
WRONG!
I was given everything
ALL in Gods time
and ALL the tools I have been given
as and when I have needed them
in the right order
NOW IS NO DIFFERENT
except I am different
I have a confidence thesedays
that unshakeable faith amongst the fear
that really blows my mind at times
that I have to smile and gives me
huge happiness and tears of joy
anything is possible
if I do the footwork
and its Gods will not mine!

So here I am again
I learned before
that to die does not mean to stop breathing
it can mean letting go of old ideas
old thinking
old me
and letting in whatever is to become
open minded
open heart
having faith thats a blind and evidenced faith
God doesnt give me anything I cant handle
self will, pride and fear does

Ok i'm off to eat
finish off a job
make a start on another and then
then focus on my breathing
in a yoga position!

Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Me Me Me

And acceptance is the answer.....

God said
Give yourself a break
It is exactly the way its meant to be
I am human
Emotion, tears, acceptance, sadness, joy
all ok

Only a robot would not FEEL anything
I am human
accept it
Its not all about friends
theres other things I am feeling too
around this time of year
much as I would like to say I don't
I do feel, and its normal I hear

Regarding friendship
I have friends
who love me
who I love
care about me
who I care about
push me
let me push them
pull me
let me pull them
lift me
are lifted by me
lean on me
let me lean on them
trust me
I trust them

Unconditional Love
is being able to give aswell as receive
"All people will let me down"
but thats no excuse to not make friends
"Let me down" is beginning to feel like an innapropriate phrase
under the current changes
I dont feel let down
by anyone
in fact I feel
your experience, strength and hope and Love
I feel lifted up by compassion, empathy
understanding, I am not alone, special or different

so its progress for me that nowadays
I don't over ask of friends/fellows/colleagues/family?
yes it is
huge progress

God said
you lowered your expectations Johno
stopped putting people on pedestals
expectations lead to disappointment
when there are no expectations
there will be no disappointment
people do not always let you down

Yeh I see that now, I agree

another old idea I suppose to let go of
"people will always let me down"
hand it over to room 101

there you go, so theres some progress
isnt it Johno?

yes

and johno...
regarding making and maintaining friendships
don't stop
Get in there!
It gets better

:)

ps thank you for your comments & conversations
I feel loved, but not pitied
Gratitude shines today :)

A conversation with my sponsor about jesus
becoming a Christian, Christians generally
my progress and my fear around this subject
and around my mother at the moment
has opened me up abit more today
with colleagues about my mum, friends
with tears
hey! nobody drowned from over crying
or drowning in their own snot?

later the lyric "Let me inside you" came over me
I racked my brains to know what song it came from
and its this

Hymn to her
The Pretenders


God what ARE YOU trying to tell me?
make it clear?

Yeh I hear you!
You be my mother when everythings gone!

I listen to you and I want some more
I listen to you and I want some more

Somethings change some stay the same

Whatever, Jesus Christ I try so hard to be open
You aint in there yet
but I know if your meant to get in
you will
somehow
and its ok

But i wont do it just to people please
I will do anything for love
But I wont do that, oh no, I wont do that


Oh my God
Music, God you know the way to this womans heart!
you Bleeder
Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will ya hose me down with holy water--if I get to hot--?
Will ya take me to places I've never known?
God just sat on the edge of his big chair
there swinging his legs smirking
and quietly said... i can do that

I have added to this post about 5 times now
in the last 3 hours
I hope its done...
but what do I know?

Jee

Step 3 - Letting Go and Letting God (of our own understanding) drive me

A friend of mine joined her church
become one with her God her Christ
I cannot do this
I dont feel it
she does
Christ has done something with her
and its wonderful
to see it
I see the love she feels
I feel Jesus through her
she bears witness
she is a channel

I usually steer clear of communion
But today I challenged my old idea around this thing
I ask myself what
the act of not taking communion would have meant?
self will
Isolation
arrogance
fear
an old idea that I cant do it
because I dont believe it...
the Jesus thing I mean
I prayed much and guess what
The minister covered every single
avenue I could have chosen
He made it very clear
that ANYONE could take communion
its all inclusive
Who am I to say that I am no-one?
Who am I to say I am an exclusion?
Do I know better?
No

I took communion for the first time
why?
I wanted to
In the fellowship of the spirit
Together an act of fellowship
At one with my friend
and Jesus
I am not sure
exactly what it is
but It felt right
my motives were right

Will I take communion again?
I dont know
I understand its meaning
and today
It felt the way to go

my friend
I love you
God loves you
Thank you for including me
in your special ceremony
I know You are in Loving hands

I dedicate this song to you
Its called Everything by Tim Hughes
I love it because
Its about handing over my will and life
thats every part of my life
every part of
all of me
over to my God of my own understanding
my creator
its lovely
Turn it up and enjoy



Hey! Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope the glory
You are everything
Be my everything

I love Jesus
even though I dont know him
it doesnt seem to matter
I see what He does in others
and its breathtaking

God thank you
The gift of sobriety
prolonges and enhances
it make us alive
awakens
Spiritual surgery
from the inside out
Glorious

Came to believe... Step 2

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. P59

Step 2 doesnt mention the word God. and it says "could" not definitely will, so i wasnt asking for any promises at step 2 and I wasnt being given any either. ALSO I wasnt making any deals to do all the rest of the steps, that was too much for me to take on. No-one asked me to do the rest of the program, I was just suggested to do step 2 while I was on step 2. keep it simple. I was just doing step 2 and not thinking about the rest of the steps (step9 scared the hell out of me when i thought about it back then)

That helped me. I trusted what I saw in the rooms, evidence, and trusted the Loving God it talks about in Tradition 2. The one which helps our amazing loving fellowship hang together, Good Orderly Direction and bring about all this "Good stuff", complete transformations, lifting people out of their misery" it must be something extraordinarily Powerful? and on the right side of Love..

The people who did the steps and continued to maintain and improve and carry the message had been where I have been (and worse) and had what I wanted.

I looked around the fellowship and listened to what it was like and where they are now and heard people much farther down the scale (in all their difficulties and problems) get well and be happy and useful, and people less sick (in my opinion) than me (in all their difficulties and problems) and they got well, happy and whole...

There were people who had craved and physically stuffed by alcohol much more than I, and they got well

There were people far more mental than me (in my opinion) and they got well

There were people who appeared to have been as spiritually as dead as I was, and they got well.

It came to me one night, who are you to say it might not work for you too?

That was when I came to believe a Power greater than myself could or "justmaybe" restore me to sanity... give me what its given them... if i did these things (the rest of the steps) too

Humility... teachable... willing...openminded

All I needed was an open mind and willingness, to be openminded about how powerful these steps actually, and if I was honest, I couldnt deny what I saw and heard in AA.

It is safe to trust the evidence in the room, AA has an amazingly loving spirit running through it, all who thoroughly follow the path get this thing, its a given

I love this thing :)

Tradition Two
For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority-a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

thanks Molly for inspiring my post

Step 2

Step2
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity

When I came to Step 2
I really had trouble that I could be
restored to anything remotely resembling sane
or well adjusted, or normal, or better, or well
And this Power/God thing
I have no faith in any God
The God and religeos people I know
I definitely dont want to be like them
I had a huge roadblock of Predjudice
and I dont know how to get connected anyway
and i dont think I want to
am not worthy and I am scared of what normal
well adjusted is, I have never been it
not sure I will be able to cope with normal
even if i get it
so i'll have to stay as I am (GULP)

My Sponsor suggested to me to
"Trust the process" (the steps)
How could I trust it? I cant tust anything
I dont know how to trust
anyway the obsession to drinks lifted
But I got all these other problems
perhaps am not really an alky
perhaps I need to be somewhere else
for all these other problems
one toe edging towards the door
the others nailed to the floor
I needed to to find openmindedness
I did trust someone... My Sponsor
She had faith and I trusted her
It was enough to start with

It was suggested to me to"Take a look around AA"
"Listen out for others"
"Were there any others who also had had
similar problems to me?

After more and more meetings
going for coffee, listening loads
I had to say yes
"And what did they do to overcome these
other problems ?"I could see they had done/were doing the steps
"Does it say anywhere in the literature
that it will work for them and not for you?
No, But...
"Well then... trust the process"
How longs it gonna take ?
"It doesnt say how or when this sanity gets restored"
er ok

So I came to believe "Just maybe" this COULD work for me too
Step 2 doesnt promise anything to us
It asks us to believe in a power Greater than ourselves
At this Stage for me it was the Steps
The evidence in the rooms
LIVING PROOF that these 12 steps works on everything

There are people I considered
More mental, less mental than me
craved more for drink, craved less than me
it works for all
WHO AM I TO SAY IT WONT WORK FOR ME ?
I had to surrender
become Openminded

I could see from my drinking history
and how I tried to manage alcohol and life
and it was definitely not normal
insanity is doing the same thing over and over
and expecting a different result
I definitely did alot of that!!
And as for all my other problems

Quite as important was the discovery that
spiritual principles would solve all my problems P42
Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous
ok

Before a meeting someone said
*Surrender to Win*

So the journey was
It wasnt gonna work for me
I did it anyway - anylengths
I was wrong
I am glad

Ps I am now normal HA HA NOT
I am now Extra-Ordinary!!
and I like it that way
who wants to be normal anyway?

I am grateful..... for Living Sober

am sober
I am well
am happy
am unafraid
am clean
I have a great haircut
I cleaned my teeth
had a bath
clean clothes
I have a conscious contact with God
I have a sponsor
a home group
having a commitment in my home group
did a full days work
got a call from a sponsee
AA literature
I am not God
There are no rules
did service

had 3 meals (in the right order)
promptly banked a cheque (which received only today)
Took a walk along the River Thames in the sun
Listened to my sponsor
Prayer
excersized restraint of tongue and pen
Didnt get tied up in someones drama
Didnt give advice
Prayed lots

a letter from my gran
a pack arriving for a course
freedom of choice
having an openmind
freedom from paralysing fear
that I can have a lay in tomorrow
Freedom from alcohol
Freedom from obsession
The speed of which I let go is becoming faster
Having fun
Laughing
not picking up a cigarette
having a mental defense

Enjoying my guitar
Having a fab teacher, with a sense of humour
Practical, hands on learning
can now play Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
and others
Have to sing along to get the rhythm
having to practice most days to keep up
(Step4 gave me this discipline)
try to do a bit each day
even when you want to throw it out the window
even when my fingers are all thumbs
(step 4 & 10 hammered home this discipline)
Singing!? my singing sounds well in tune
(in my opinion ha ha)
Keep on Keeping on

Planned a lay in tomorrow
Recovery Rocks dudes!!
Bring it on

AA's Living Sober is not one of my most read AA books
However, I let go of an old idea lastnight
Seriously bent its spine and read of a few chapters
It has some really good practical suggestions
Suggested to sponsee - look out for it at next meeting

Mother nature is amazing

This is my first attempt at posting a picture on my blog, its an African penguin, taken recently on Robben Island, South Africa. I really did get this close, well 6 feet away, it was laying under a walkway out of the sun.

And this is on top of Table Mountain at sunset. Breathtaking.

Link for these & other World Heritage Sites

http://whc.unesco.org/en/list

Big wave is levelling out

Anniversary has come & gone

day at a time

Doing whats in front of me

Trust God
Clean House
help others

honesty
openminded
willingness

Keep on, keeping on

Life will mean something at last.
The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. P152

no drama
self centred fear that something bad would happen after so much gratitude
Things will happen whether am grateful or not
Fear is a red herring my head throws at me every so often
it brings self pity & misery

Grateful for the ordinary, its taking a little getting used to

page ref Alcoholics Anonymous "big book"

God sent us Simon & Garfunkel

Bridge Over Trouble Water

When you’re weary,
feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes,
I will dry them all;

I’m on your side.
When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you’re down and out,
When you’re on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.

I’ll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.

© 1969 Paul Simon

Entered the Realm of spirit, a 4th dimension

19th August 2003 I had my last drink

A failed attempt to control my drink & not get drunk
I rolled in abit earlier than now
my boss had commented on how glazed my eyes look
I could hardly walk up the stairs in the restaurant
I had embarrased my manager
I had got flirty with an someone i wouldnt have gone near sober
I didnt get off with who i wanted
incontinent
need i say more

This 3rd year has been all about letting go
Letting go absolutely
of
fixing on pornography
living in fantasy
sponsor
self will
homegroup
relying on humans to relieve my alcoholism
christmas (my old idea of)
self will
ideas of Gods Power
self will
ideas of the power of prayer
mum
ministers are inflexible
I will never be good at my job
Self will
having money will make me happy inside
ideas about my own abilities
Self will
ideas about whats possible
belief that am not good enough
ideas about Gods plan for me
in fact all my frikkin ideas !!

By making yet another decision to turn my will & my life over to the care of God (as I understand him)
Continue to take personal inventory
Pray loads
trust another sponsor
pray specifically for my defects to be removed
trust that God could & would if he were sought
Trust the programme
trust myself
Have Faith
Do the right things
Keep doing the right things
Follow the spiritual principles
Allow for imperfection
Forgiveness of self and others
Stay honest
Stay open mindedness
Stay very willing
Put my recovery first
keep turning up even when i really not sure why
Accept that i just am rubbish at predicting the future
Am grateful I cant (i would have had a restless, irritable & discontented year)

I tell you this has been the best ever yet

It says "If he is to find God - the desire must come from within" P95
The desire came last year
I really fought the feeling but had to eventually surrender to the fact
that for this alcoholic
No human power could relieve my alcoholism
Thats NO person
I threw myself at Him (God) absolutely
I had no choice
I just knew it was the answer
And it was
That was the year that was... all about me & God becoming friends
Me doing what seemed to be Gods will for me
Its been like ahem easier...
Almost like it was the "easier softer way"
Amazing GOD YOU ARE AMAZING

So to end on

The manager I embarrased 3 years ago tonight, he has seen me turn up to work & barely do work. we had many a chat but I just couldnt change.

The same man, I havent seen for 2 years, he left our company
he called my up 4weeks ago & offered me a job
a job that its now very obvious that I am good at & enjoy NOWADAYS
he & his colleague will pay me a very good salary
i have become useful & sought after
I have a reputation of being reliable
I have integrity am fully armed about the facts about my abilities in the workplace today
I told them my strong points & my flaws ...
and they still want me, the truth has set me free
They have are giving me everything I negotiated & more
I am giving them my imperfect & very humble hardworking self

I am an alcoholic
I doing the steps with a sponsor
An i got offered this job that in my heart I can do 90% of & the rest can learn, thats a combination of ALL my strongest points in my last 5 jobs and they'll pay me more than I ever earned before with potential for more
GOD IS AMAZING

It would be insane not to to go and do it...
I start September 11th...
A day also of quiet reflection for us all

I made a statement about a year and a half ago that I would NEVER have a gym membership again. I have had many, turned up for about 2 months & then had to pay for the rest of the year. This new job, has FREE membership for the gym/swim thats situated in the building for anyone that works there. God really does have a sense of humour :-) As always doing for me what I cant/wont do for myself.

When we drew near to Him, He disclosed Himself to us! P57
thats whats happened to me & its lovely

Am grateful for everything, everything

Am grateful I am now beginning to accept the things I cannot change, have the willingness to change the things I can, the courage to ask God to help me change what I cant & some wisdom & a fellowship to help me see the things that aren't be changed YET

Am going to bed. Tomorrow I will be 3 years & on day 1 again

Thank you for all those who posted while I havent been
Much appreciated
xx

All page ref Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) 4th Edition

One Amazing Day

I am grateful for

Waking up without fear
getting bath n breakfasted
saying my prayers
reading daily reflections
Thy will not mine be done

Leaving the house in plenty of time
dressing becomingly
having my own transport
the roads being clear
the weather being dry
being in the present moment

arriving early
calling my family
sharing the excitement of Father Christmas's visit
friends
being willing
having dressed warm
having a conversstion without discussing recovery
just keeping it very light
trying my best
not giving up, even when i thought i wasnt in the right place

being reminded our post IS important even when it doing appear so
seeing the importance of all parts no matter how small
sulking cos, i wasnt a larger part
thinking about what being a part of means

walking round talking, paying attention
giving it a go
not sitting waiting for it to happen
having a game of table football
losing 11-1 and still smiling
someone shooting up
reminding me how feeling safe is not enough

doing fire duty
feeling like i got nothing in common with these people
feeling like am ready for going home time
continuing doing it anyway just for excersize
something telling me, it doesnt matter about what i think
its none of my business whether i have anything in common
it works because there are "too" many of us
it works because we do it together
it works because we are not all the same
it works because its unpaid
it works because we all want to be there
it works because there are no staff shortages
it works because its LOVE & SERVICE

HALT i am tired, things are becoming strained
Waiting for the debrief, i wanted to cry
i saw someone who was going to a meeting across town
i wanted to go to bed
i wanted to stay for the meeting here
Principles before Personality
AA is not a social group, even on Christmas day
Dont quit, your job is not yet done

I sat in the meeting knowing no-one, feeling tired
its warm, and safe
i drifted off during the chair
and came too
and drifted, wishing i was in bed
a few shared back, still sleepy

then i heard it...
"My names xxx I am an alcoholic
its my 1st day sober... i have been waiting
all day until 5pm for this meeting to start
i want to get sober...."
To share back, in its simplest form
was enough to wake me up
to give me a reason to turn up tomorrow
to show me that even when I (the great me)
has know idea what I have in common with anyone
I dont know what I dont know
God really does move in mysterious ways

There are at least 4 people around tomorrow
inc me who want to stay sober
and theres another meeting tomorrow night
Dont quit before the miracle
The meeting ended magically for me
Lots of love, a few tears of gratitude
Hope followed us out
fellowship remained
Love is in the air

I have come home, had a warm bath
ate some of my favourite things
listened to "My favourite things"
and now I am going to bed
For that I am very grateful

Its all helping me understand this brotherly/sisterly love
this friend amongst friends
worker amongst workers
AA amongst AA''s
its not all about me
but if i can make a difference
with my experience thats a gift
its not my job to fix the world
being part of a process is enough
behind the scenes is important
its also rewarding
lots of parts make a beautiful whole
keep letting go, again and again, and again

Am grateful you gave me a beautiful smile
Which I can give to the world

My Primary purpose is to stay sober
& help other alcoholics acheive sobriety

Thy will not mine be done
let go let god

Another lesson in humility learned today

Thank you for another safe and sober day

Its becoming clear

that I am making progress
willing to try stuff
not expecting perfection
check out my motives
let go of old ideas
accept that i can change
cinch by the inch
keep practicing
keep on

put in the action
let go of the outcome

someone suggested i would make a good manager,
"i have people skills"
not sure if they are sick or what?!?!

Dont they know who i am?!?!
manager material ...with people skills... me???
OMG when did that change happen?

whats going on

I am grateful

for attempting to improve my punctuality
for listening tonight
for turning up
for the power of the step4 prayer
for service being portable
for liking the routine i been eased into
for becoming part of the workforce
for trying to become more of a team player at work
for trying teamwork, my boss's way, not mine!!
for trying to do it without resentment
for feeling comfortable
for feeling uncomfortable that I am comfortable
for the many seeds that have been planted in me
for some of them starting to grow
for giving freely today, what I have been given

Sober, grateful, loved by something much greater than me

oh yeh i forgot
lots of very hungover people turned in in various states to work today, at various times up to lunch time. The morning after the office party, mumbling things like,

"oh God never again"
"it must have been the last lemonade"
"no when i left her, she was talking to the great white telephone"
"i feel like shit"
"i am crap at drinking"
"i really cant keep doing this"
"i only get drunk one every 5 years cos i know what happens"
"it takes me days to get over nights like that"
"i stank of cigs & booze when i got into bed"
"i still feel drunk"
"he was well smashed last night"
"he was in a right state"
"cant stay, i feel to ill"
"xxx hasnt turned in, its not surprising the state they were in"
"here comes casenova"
"i cant remember how I got home"
"my husband really looked after me"
"i woke up with bottles of water by the bed"
"i stuck to champagne, i stopped after 2 bottles"
"someone i knew even used to piss the bed when he got drunk"
"really they did that?"

Me i was just grateful, i didnt go
Its getting easier to stay no, without lying
i had something else to do
Telephone service at the local AA office
who knows who may have called up

I saw myself in various mirrors today
my past came back at me, they were shadows of people
draped over the chairs and desks
many people used to give me lots of slack when i was drunk/hungover
it really is my turn to quit looking down at my colleagues
some of them are in the grip of a killer illness
some of them just drink alot
some of them binge
some of them just like drinking lots on occasions
some of them just have one and then go home

Am grateful to be sober
to be shown regularly where I have come from
and where I can go back to very quickly
reminders of how selfish I am in certain areas

I was a scoffer, i remained to pray, it works

When a person offended we said to ourselves,
"This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him?
God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick
people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being
helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least
God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant
view of each and every one. P67

Todays the 14th day of me praying for the two people
and the company I work for,
14 days ago the anger was so bad
i was angry & couldnt lift it I had become obsessive,
self seeking, destructive inwardly & outwardly in this area
Misery though optional, i took it again
without realising it, i was in it

I was squandering hours P66 obsessing about their defects
resentment was destroying this alcoholic
I needed help, i couldnt lift this alone, i had to call in the big guns

Praying works, by tuesday this week, my anger & resentment had gone
they became just a couple of colleagues, nothing special
(i had changed, they hadnt)
my company became an ok company to work for again
(i had changed, it hadnt)
i became a little lighter
i fitted myself in again
less of the self seeking
more being of service
Altered my Attitude

then yesterday, i opened my mouth and retaliated with someone else
here we go again, self seeking
thats it johno... another 14 days praying
i didnt need telling, i just did it anyway
why wouldnt I?....it works

Though I refused & scoffed & feared taking this action before
When the student is ready the teacher appears... i heard you
I am glad i got willing and did it
its another tool i was given quite a while ago
that I never picked up & tried, not really... half heartedly, here and there
Half measures availed us nothing P59
and have just learned how to use
tonight i passed it on
its all such a gift
am grateful

I earnestly advise every alcoholic to read this book through,
and though perhaps he came to scoff, he may remain to pray.
William D. Silkworth, M.D Pxxx

Thankyou Dr Silkworth

All page references "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

My prayers tonight include a friend who travelling to a part of the world thats
troubled by terrorism this week. Please keep her safe... until we meet again