timely for me too,
the uncomfortableness which was
put up with able for a while,
has now gone on for years...
and become the norm ... then reduce
to tears of frustration and powerlessness
everynow again, things chnage a little and then
...return back to same ol same ol ....
misery is optional,
although it doesnt feel like it right now ....
yet to let go absolutely ...
means a stage dive off into the arms ...
of a loving HP ... hasnt let me down yet ...
and only good has even happened when I have ...
not without challenge,
fear and suffrin, but flippin worth it ....
just got to do it ...
why wait ?
Do not delay ?
yeh well i've been tellin myself
it will be different tomorrow,
yeh I have another path to look forward to
and this would tide me over ...
but even that feels like sloth and a copt out
(dishonest to HP)
self will keeps me in learned helplessness,
the easy option, remains the dis-easy option ...
I dont believe God wants me
happy joyeous and free for part of my life,
I believe,
infact I know he wants it for all of me,
access all areas ...
hanging on the towel ... yet its getting harder ...
he wants me, and and i want it too ...
just got to let go of the towel ...
and follow my calling absolutely,
even before the next thing comes up ....
once I know, let go ....
the comfortable life is not always the spiritual life ...
make space for grace ...
first time ever I have made a decision and lented ...
I have been lenting off of cakes,
biscuits and crisps... my things,
and even though I thankfully dont worry
about my consumption,
abstainence of just these things has meant
I am seeing verything, in its full glory ...
lifes to short ...
the spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it ...
cant have my cake and or eat it... til Easter Sunday :)
God ... is it really is time for me
to get off the cross now because
you need the wood for someone else?!
Make it clear ..... or perhaps you just did ...!
Freddie - I want to break free
Showing posts with label Mental Disorders. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mental Disorders. Show all posts
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Someone asked ... Does anyone else get so anxious to the point of nearly a panic attack, or have feelings of dying. Or felt it and is much better now?
Someone asked ... Does anyone else get so anxious to the point of nearly a panic attack, or have feelings of dying. Or felt it and is much better now?
The answers to those 3
questions are yes yes and yes
I suffer from a grave emotional and mental disorder.
Its tough to walk away and stay away from a dependancy.
People, substance, things, places... Damaging.
Cant live with it,
cant live without it.
Yet knowing this is not enough to bring on longer lived peace that i craved for.
Staying off drink and still going to bars was not a happy occasion.
I resented others and inside
i felt rubbish. Staying off cigarettes and still nipping down for fresh air breaks was just insane in mid winter.
One occasion, Going home from a meeting, a route i had done effortlessly loads, off my head, suddenly not being able to focus, problems piled up everything became a big deal, was an ordeal getting wrong trains, then couldnt get back and trying to find a bus in the middle of nowhere, yeh panic attacks suck, and happened sober.
Feelings of dying ... Yes because i am, everyday bits of me die, physical cells, mentally when i reach a point where i have to take a big leap of faith (everything seemed like a big leap of faith early on)
I have to let go of self, old thinking, old ideas, old behaviour... Stuff that steps brings to light. I do have feelings like i am dying yes.
Good news is for me its just a feeling, i recognise it for what it is and dont buy into the fear always it brings with it. It also means i am about to grow, so its like shedding a layer, ripping off a sticking plaster. Healing process.
Is it much better now?
Yes. I am not afraid or ashamed of suicidal thoughts or feelings of dying. Why not? Because i cannot control the thoughts which come. So i just accept its part of being this human.
Essential for my recovery and growth is that i cannot change the thought that come, i can DO something once they come.
What can i do? I can know that i definitely DO not kill myself or self harm. How do i know? Would i ever agree with anyone who said they were suicidal that it is the right thing to do? NO. Nothing justifies it when i have a choice. Whilst i have a choice, i choose life. Usually feelings of dying, suicide come when i havent dealt with something, i am avoiding doing the right thing, whether it be step work, making a call, sending an email, ironing. Too much loafing not enough resting. Yes having analysed/step10'd it prayed it.. to death!! Excuse the inappropriate pun :-) It simple stuff like house chores aswell that seem to pre cursor thought not always major life changing stuff. It also comes when i need to ask for help and dont know who to ask or know and wont. Pride, fear, self reliant, self self stuff, lack of humility, unteacheable Etc. Stuff i would have drank on and put off to tomorrow that day that never comes.
There is usually something i am not doing or need to do and my sensitive conscience cant take it anymore or too many things i need to do pile up and life becomes completely unmanageable unless i get honest and do the something.
Picking up phone, going to meetings, staying away from old haunts, getting in the middle of the bed in whatever fellowship, sponsor, getting on with steps. Knowing i am not unique, just a dramatic emotional sensitive ferret who is genuinely going to anylengths does help me let myself off the hook at times.
Its not forever. 12 steps and fellowship and loving Higher Power...(tradition 2/step 2) It saved and gave me a life. Nothing like i imagined and it still getting better. Still get the thoughts, they try and hold me back, yet now knackering and boring as it is at times, i use it as a kick up the butt to do whatever what i am avoiding, and yes recovery still gets better ... :-)
Dont listen to your head, check its chatter out with sponsor or another in recovery. Disease is strong until recovery programme is embraced and actioned.
Yeh man recovery rocks !!
The answers to those 3
questions are yes yes and yes
I suffer from a grave emotional and mental disorder.
Its tough to walk away and stay away from a dependancy.
People, substance, things, places... Damaging.
Cant live with it,
cant live without it.
Yet knowing this is not enough to bring on longer lived peace that i craved for.
Staying off drink and still going to bars was not a happy occasion.
I resented others and inside
i felt rubbish. Staying off cigarettes and still nipping down for fresh air breaks was just insane in mid winter.
One occasion, Going home from a meeting, a route i had done effortlessly loads, off my head, suddenly not being able to focus, problems piled up everything became a big deal, was an ordeal getting wrong trains, then couldnt get back and trying to find a bus in the middle of nowhere, yeh panic attacks suck, and happened sober.
Feelings of dying ... Yes because i am, everyday bits of me die, physical cells, mentally when i reach a point where i have to take a big leap of faith (everything seemed like a big leap of faith early on)
I have to let go of self, old thinking, old ideas, old behaviour... Stuff that steps brings to light. I do have feelings like i am dying yes.
Good news is for me its just a feeling, i recognise it for what it is and dont buy into the fear always it brings with it. It also means i am about to grow, so its like shedding a layer, ripping off a sticking plaster. Healing process.
Is it much better now?
Yes. I am not afraid or ashamed of suicidal thoughts or feelings of dying. Why not? Because i cannot control the thoughts which come. So i just accept its part of being this human.
Essential for my recovery and growth is that i cannot change the thought that come, i can DO something once they come.
What can i do? I can know that i definitely DO not kill myself or self harm. How do i know? Would i ever agree with anyone who said they were suicidal that it is the right thing to do? NO. Nothing justifies it when i have a choice. Whilst i have a choice, i choose life. Usually feelings of dying, suicide come when i havent dealt with something, i am avoiding doing the right thing, whether it be step work, making a call, sending an email, ironing. Too much loafing not enough resting. Yes having analysed/step10'd it prayed it.. to death!! Excuse the inappropriate pun :-) It simple stuff like house chores aswell that seem to pre cursor thought not always major life changing stuff. It also comes when i need to ask for help and dont know who to ask or know and wont. Pride, fear, self reliant, self self stuff, lack of humility, unteacheable Etc. Stuff i would have drank on and put off to tomorrow that day that never comes.
There is usually something i am not doing or need to do and my sensitive conscience cant take it anymore or too many things i need to do pile up and life becomes completely unmanageable unless i get honest and do the something.
Picking up phone, going to meetings, staying away from old haunts, getting in the middle of the bed in whatever fellowship, sponsor, getting on with steps. Knowing i am not unique, just a dramatic emotional sensitive ferret who is genuinely going to anylengths does help me let myself off the hook at times.
Its not forever. 12 steps and fellowship and loving Higher Power...(tradition 2/step 2) It saved and gave me a life. Nothing like i imagined and it still getting better. Still get the thoughts, they try and hold me back, yet now knackering and boring as it is at times, i use it as a kick up the butt to do whatever what i am avoiding, and yes recovery still gets better ... :-)
Dont listen to your head, check its chatter out with sponsor or another in recovery. Disease is strong until recovery programme is embraced and actioned.
Yeh man recovery rocks !!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Money and spreadsheets
Even though i have worked in the
financial sector for ages
spreadsheets and money
do not come easily to me
infact i get bored
same as graph an bar charts
scatter graphs
and all the stuff excel does
makes me sleep
note to self
need a Treasurer when i get a church :)
Corps council minutes i find easy
i cam create minutes
write notes
hear whats been said
remember the meeting
and kind of relive it
all over again...
Is that a gift
or years of hanging onto
resentments, replaying
the day in my head over and over...
Pre step4-5
is this an old habit
put to good use?? :)
i think so :)
good day today
finding it hard to work with
someone who finds it hard
to work with other
wont follow a process
or cant follow a process
and is rigid thinking
its hard to work with
or even to work for
i have tried letting
them lead and i support
even though we are peers
nope that didnt worl
oh well
pray for them
turn up and communicate :)
with love
firmly
is firmly a word?
financial sector for ages
spreadsheets and money
do not come easily to me
infact i get bored
same as graph an bar charts
scatter graphs
and all the stuff excel does
makes me sleep
note to self
need a Treasurer when i get a church :)
Corps council minutes i find easy
i cam create minutes
write notes
hear whats been said
remember the meeting
and kind of relive it
all over again...
Is that a gift
or years of hanging onto
resentments, replaying
the day in my head over and over...
Pre step4-5
is this an old habit
put to good use?? :)
i think so :)
good day today
finding it hard to work with
someone who finds it hard
to work with other
wont follow a process
or cant follow a process
and is rigid thinking
its hard to work with
or even to work for
i have tried letting
them lead and i support
even though we are peers
nope that didnt worl
oh well
pray for them
turn up and communicate :)
with love
firmly
is firmly a word?
mental Physical stuff today
Yeh i am interested in how my mind
and body work... Or dont work :)
is it my imagination or
is my kidney/abdomen area
hurting this evening? Hehe
the mind has a mind of its own
more water
more water
i sometimes wonder
if because i am asked questions
regarding my body workings
it then kind of gives me permission
to acknowledge sonethinga is going on
like the pain
or gives my imagination a crack
at creating a pain which is
all centred in the mind??
i thought it was hip pain
or lower back
now he mentions kidney
i think kidney
i wonder how neurotic i will become
around health issues...
Its a given that the more
i mix with people
the more i will hear health issues
it made me laugh how as soon
as i get given a diagnosis
many people offered a suggestion
advice, yet not many followed the
same advice they had been given
in a diaciplined fashiom
i have to be real
The best GP yesterday said
he would not be getting excited
about my cholestrol level or anemia level
even if it stayed as is and escalated over
10 year period with fanily history
he still would not get excited
its goiod to look at diet again
throw out some stuff
add some things in
cut down, step up
yet i need not get neurotic
not overanalyse
and stop thinking about my
physocal health 24/7
whats the word?
Oh yeh
an obsession!!
God help me!!
Mentally this evening
i had a fleeting
oh well if i have effin cancer
and am gonna die
then who gives a c4@9
if i eat chocolate at midnight
who cares if my sample
in the
morning has cadburys in it?
Really what does it matter
4 chuncks of dairy milk
?
So i am not perfect
i am afraid of letting go of the reigns
to another human
yet i have home group members
who light the path in front of me
only by weeks
and set me an example
as i said beforw
i dont want to die
not yet
i feel like i have too much life
running through my bones
(robbie williams)
not going to waste
but it would e a waste
to go any time now
thank you for your comments
i have no idea either
how anyone does it
without a LOVING God
i certainly couldnt have faith
in just any old HP
has to be loving and want
me happy joyeous & free
and gives me jobs to do :)
and body work... Or dont work :)
is it my imagination or
is my kidney/abdomen area
hurting this evening? Hehe
the mind has a mind of its own
more water
more water
i sometimes wonder
if because i am asked questions
regarding my body workings
it then kind of gives me permission
to acknowledge sonethinga is going on
like the pain
or gives my imagination a crack
at creating a pain which is
all centred in the mind??
i thought it was hip pain
or lower back
now he mentions kidney
i think kidney
i wonder how neurotic i will become
around health issues...
Its a given that the more
i mix with people
the more i will hear health issues
it made me laugh how as soon
as i get given a diagnosis
many people offered a suggestion
advice, yet not many followed the
same advice they had been given
in a diaciplined fashiom
i have to be real
The best GP yesterday said
he would not be getting excited
about my cholestrol level or anemia level
even if it stayed as is and escalated over
10 year period with fanily history
he still would not get excited
its goiod to look at diet again
throw out some stuff
add some things in
cut down, step up
yet i need not get neurotic
not overanalyse
and stop thinking about my
physocal health 24/7
whats the word?
Oh yeh
an obsession!!
God help me!!
Mentally this evening
i had a fleeting
oh well if i have effin cancer
and am gonna die
then who gives a c4@9
if i eat chocolate at midnight
who cares if my sample
in the
morning has cadburys in it?
Really what does it matter
4 chuncks of dairy milk
?
So i am not perfect
i am afraid of letting go of the reigns
to another human
yet i have home group members
who light the path in front of me
only by weeks
and set me an example
as i said beforw
i dont want to die
not yet
i feel like i have too much life
running through my bones
(robbie williams)
not going to waste
but it would e a waste
to go any time now
thank you for your comments
i have no idea either
how anyone does it
without a LOVING God
i certainly couldnt have faith
in just any old HP
has to be loving and want
me happy joyeous & free
and gives me jobs to do :)
Monday, November 03, 2008
Dont listen to your head... when you are full of fear or have defective thinking
But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened.P37
See I have discussed some of my stuff
from Friday with my manager
and she already knows
I am a reflector
and what I said on Friday
will undoubtedly somewhat have changed
by today
and its true
it has
I can see now where the fear wanted me
outer there as far away as possible
but I can see today
the its not necessary to run off
no need to go anywhere infact
until they close the door and tell me so
The next few days
I feel will reveal alot about
the future at work
short term
stuff I am powerless over
and I have a work review on Friday
too
action is done
its time to let go
what I mean by the title is that
before it seemed like a good idea
to take a drink
these stuations were definitely
where I would either be in the bar
or at home replaying stuff over and over
predicting, making plans and schemes
well I cant stop the tape so to speak
but I can take action
so while the tapes playing
I can do, that it do the next right thing
regardless of what The Head tells me
The facts are its ok
good budgetting is essential
luxury is out the window
for the moment
but then its how I want to live anyway
I have what I need
and it is actually what I want
its only my head that tells me otherwise
my heart however... is happy
although it could do with a cuddle
and someone to write my essay!
home is where the heart is.. at its most happiest
yet as I research my essay
I really see ho good I got it
compared to some
John butler Trio - Home is where the heart is
is the destruction that fear from within creates
less than the destruction caused from without?
or is all destruction equal?
See I have discussed some of my stuff
from Friday with my manager
and she already knows
I am a reflector
and what I said on Friday
will undoubtedly somewhat have changed
by today
and its true
it has
I can see now where the fear wanted me
outer there as far away as possible
but I can see today
the its not necessary to run off
no need to go anywhere infact
until they close the door and tell me so
The next few days
I feel will reveal alot about
the future at work
short term
stuff I am powerless over
and I have a work review on Friday
too
action is done
its time to let go
what I mean by the title is that
before it seemed like a good idea
to take a drink
these stuations were definitely
where I would either be in the bar
or at home replaying stuff over and over
predicting, making plans and schemes
well I cant stop the tape so to speak
but I can take action
so while the tapes playing
I can do, that it do the next right thing
regardless of what The Head tells me
The facts are its ok
good budgetting is essential
luxury is out the window
for the moment
but then its how I want to live anyway
I have what I need
and it is actually what I want
its only my head that tells me otherwise
my heart however... is happy
although it could do with a cuddle
and someone to write my essay!
home is where the heart is.. at its most happiest
yet as I research my essay
I really see ho good I got it
compared to some
John butler Trio - Home is where the heart is
is the destruction that fear from within creates
less than the destruction caused from without?
or is all destruction equal?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Existing v Living [2003]
what it was like
turning up for work
shuffling paper and getting away with very little
doing about an hours work
and then going and getting drunk
everyday for a long while
at weekends
lying under the duvet
thinking
imaginging
intentions
the hours would wile away
then get up, eat very little
drag some clothes on off the floor
put the TV on
and think about when would be a good time
to open that bottle of wine
I know a good accompaniment to a packet of crisps
So ends saturday and sunday would be similar
except I may get to the laundrette
and do a load of washing
I may not
personal hygene?
bed getting changed
interaction with family
eating?
teeth cleaned when?
bath?
gym?
reading... anything
listening to radio?
earning an honest pay?
friends?
Monday
envy for people who had gone shopping
mowed their lawns
been out
been to the gym
cleaned up... How did they do that?
what had I done?
very little
yet they envied me cos I had done not much
yeh, I was soo happy! with my
existance
I get to do more than I ever inamgined
and I know when the time is right
I will get to mow lawns
and smell the roses (literally)
and feed the cat again
and sleep in someones arms
at some point
just at the moment
I have to do whats in front of me
keep on keeping on
my week consists of
taking care of all of what I listed above with question marks
the BEST I CAN, never perfectly
for instance
heres an admission (laugh while you squirm!)
I refused to clean my teeth for 4 days this week
yeh its a measure I have no power over
it happens usually when I really need to let go of sonething
the teeth cleaning refusal of
is my bodies way of saying
you are doing far too much and if you dont
let go, the teeth go
so the teeth go
until I am ready to let go
and then the teeth cleaning starts again
Friday I cleaned them
turning up for work
shuffling paper and getting away with very little
doing about an hours work
and then going and getting drunk
everyday for a long while
at weekends
lying under the duvet
thinking
imaginging
intentions
the hours would wile away
then get up, eat very little
drag some clothes on off the floor
put the TV on
and think about when would be a good time
to open that bottle of wine
I know a good accompaniment to a packet of crisps
So ends saturday and sunday would be similar
except I may get to the laundrette
and do a load of washing
I may not
personal hygene?
bed getting changed
interaction with family
eating?
teeth cleaned when?
bath?
gym?
reading... anything
listening to radio?
earning an honest pay?
friends?
Monday
envy for people who had gone shopping
mowed their lawns
been out
been to the gym
cleaned up... How did they do that?
what had I done?
very little
yet they envied me cos I had done not much
yeh, I was soo happy! with my
existance
I get to do more than I ever inamgined
and I know when the time is right
I will get to mow lawns
and smell the roses (literally)
and feed the cat again
and sleep in someones arms
at some point
just at the moment
I have to do whats in front of me
keep on keeping on
my week consists of
taking care of all of what I listed above with question marks
the BEST I CAN, never perfectly
for instance
heres an admission (laugh while you squirm!)
I refused to clean my teeth for 4 days this week
yeh its a measure I have no power over
it happens usually when I really need to let go of sonething
the teeth cleaning refusal of
is my bodies way of saying
you are doing far too much and if you dont
let go, the teeth go
so the teeth go
until I am ready to let go
and then the teeth cleaning starts again
Friday I cleaned them
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Studying with AlcoholISM - I sabotage myself
I am starting to realise
as I interact on a weekly basis
and open up and be honest
keeping it simple and relevent to the course
ie. not deep (well perhaps it is deep to some people)
anyway yawn, just being me
that all people do this sabotage
and it looks like poor time management
but is it?
I can only speak for me
i definitely see an i sabitage myself
happen over the last 3 weeks
all the simple stuff became hard
stopped taking inventory
got a few excellent marks and one good one
and then hit a block
turning up, helping others but not much else
its the keep on keeping on
even when you think its not going as
YOU think it should be Johno
It in fact IS
Aim for perfection settle for excellent
excellent yesterday may be good today
thats enough
tomorrow is another day to try again
Friday I reached a point that I couldnt
take anything in even at work
I feel like I could sleep for a 100 years
The truth is I suddenly have 4 deadlines next week
assignment at uni
test at work
feedback for yoga teacher
pack for christmas
all different areas of my life
and a delivery of a new mobile phone
and making a decsion about which ipod
(yeh I can see you are NOT feeling sorry for me
these are NOT problems!)
but still my truth is IN MY HEAD
it all became too hard
and physically I started to suffer
and mentally I shut down
I forced myself to share at home group
about the topic, and for the newcomer
not about my head !?
And I felt better
I hate the rain today
its cold and wet
and I dont want to play anymore
There is a woman started coming
and without breaking any anonymity
she is mentally challenged
about 6 months sober
she got an AA Q&A on sponsorship leaflet last night
and its great to see her eyes light up
when people speak with her
I hope she keeps coming back
yeh ok having written taht last bit
I feel different again
i'll play another day
have done a load on the reflective statement
far more and its not done yet
will be easy to strip down tomorrow
the other bit I made a start on
its the pig I am wrestling with
but in the great scheme of things
Its not worth that many marks
So I HAVE to give it my best shot
but not let it dominate me
or stir up the fear and I cant do it
Grateful for this
Have begun to be aware of the time
I need to spend on a 1st class degree
and can I afford to slow down on
the day job to step up on the studying?
well i'll be talking with God about
that over the next few months
Willing to go to any lengths? yah
whatever, this is what I want to do
and its acheivable
a day and a week at a time
turn up, pay attention, do whats suggested
and then do it again
and again
again
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.P59
as I interact on a weekly basis
and open up and be honest
keeping it simple and relevent to the course
ie. not deep (well perhaps it is deep to some people)
anyway yawn, just being me
that all people do this sabotage
and it looks like poor time management
but is it?
I can only speak for me
i definitely see an i sabitage myself
happen over the last 3 weeks
all the simple stuff became hard
stopped taking inventory
got a few excellent marks and one good one
and then hit a block
turning up, helping others but not much else
its the keep on keeping on
even when you think its not going as
YOU think it should be Johno
It in fact IS
Aim for perfection settle for excellent
excellent yesterday may be good today
thats enough
tomorrow is another day to try again
Friday I reached a point that I couldnt
take anything in even at work
I feel like I could sleep for a 100 years
The truth is I suddenly have 4 deadlines next week
assignment at uni
test at work
feedback for yoga teacher
pack for christmas
all different areas of my life
and a delivery of a new mobile phone
and making a decsion about which ipod
(yeh I can see you are NOT feeling sorry for me
these are NOT problems!)
but still my truth is IN MY HEAD
it all became too hard
and physically I started to suffer
and mentally I shut down
I forced myself to share at home group
about the topic, and for the newcomer
not about my head !?
And I felt better
I hate the rain today
its cold and wet
and I dont want to play anymore
There is a woman started coming
and without breaking any anonymity
she is mentally challenged
about 6 months sober
she got an AA Q&A on sponsorship leaflet last night
and its great to see her eyes light up
when people speak with her
I hope she keeps coming back
yeh ok having written taht last bit
I feel different again
i'll play another day
have done a load on the reflective statement
far more and its not done yet
will be easy to strip down tomorrow
the other bit I made a start on
its the pig I am wrestling with
but in the great scheme of things
Its not worth that many marks
So I HAVE to give it my best shot
but not let it dominate me
or stir up the fear and I cant do it
Grateful for this
Have begun to be aware of the time
I need to spend on a 1st class degree
and can I afford to slow down on
the day job to step up on the studying?
well i'll be talking with God about
that over the next few months
Willing to go to any lengths? yah
whatever, this is what I want to do
and its acheivable
a day and a week at a time
turn up, pay attention, do whats suggested
and then do it again
and again
again
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.P59
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Being Convinced..... Step 3
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. P60
I am well and truly out of
a tunnel I slipped into last week
having a mixture of PMT
and self will run riot
I told my sponsor I wasnt happy
she asked why
and I listed a heap of stuff!!
Phew!!
I needed to get that one out
She said that its hard trying to control the world
I was not a victim and if I took the drama away
I am just facing a few challenges
thats all!
When am in a tunnel
I cant see anything clearly
I can feel everything
I have slipped into a few times along the way
I used to look for the light switch
or the light at the end
Cos I didnt trust the darkness
This time I knew to keep walking
knocking into stuff I cant see
just keep walking
doing the next right thing
knowing at some point
i dont know when
it will become lighter again
and it has
faith is key for me
its grown from experience
I put the study books down last week
didnt go on a social
and went to a few more meetings
my peace of mind IS more important
to me that the course
without stability sobriety
I am nothing
guess what?
all was ok (are you suprised?)
I am not
Hindsight or as I heard this week
delayed wisdom LOL
used to be my teacher
now experience is my tunnel guide
and faith that I will be ok in the dark
as long as i dont sit down and wait for
things to change or give up and stop
They said at the beginning of the course
Turn up for everything
No matter what
Things are getting harder
So its even more important to
keep on keeping on
Got an excellent mark in an assessment
evidence to me that am on the right track
Everything is exactly as it should be
I dont have to make everything better
sometimes everything is
very challenging and difficult
if it were easy, everyone would be doing the course!
I needed to stop trying to try to let go
and just let go
get it?
no, I dont now
but it made sense at the time
and it will again when I get reminded
God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" P63
Johno stop listening to your head
it tells you a pack of lies
just keep on keeping on
til your done!
Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. P76 I also agree to put victory over old ideas in this one aswell.
I am well and truly out of
a tunnel I slipped into last week
having a mixture of PMT
and self will run riot
I told my sponsor I wasnt happy
she asked why
and I listed a heap of stuff!!
Phew!!
I needed to get that one out
She said that its hard trying to control the world
I was not a victim and if I took the drama away
I am just facing a few challenges
thats all!
When am in a tunnel
I cant see anything clearly
I can feel everything
I have slipped into a few times along the way
I used to look for the light switch
or the light at the end
Cos I didnt trust the darkness
This time I knew to keep walking
knocking into stuff I cant see
just keep walking
doing the next right thing
knowing at some point
i dont know when
it will become lighter again
and it has
faith is key for me
its grown from experience
I put the study books down last week
didnt go on a social
and went to a few more meetings
my peace of mind IS more important
to me that the course
without stability sobriety
I am nothing
guess what?
all was ok (are you suprised?)
I am not
Hindsight or as I heard this week
delayed wisdom LOL
used to be my teacher
now experience is my tunnel guide
and faith that I will be ok in the dark
as long as i dont sit down and wait for
things to change or give up and stop
They said at the beginning of the course
Turn up for everything
No matter what
Things are getting harder
So its even more important to
keep on keeping on
Got an excellent mark in an assessment
evidence to me that am on the right track
Everything is exactly as it should be
I dont have to make everything better
sometimes everything is
very challenging and difficult
if it were easy, everyone would be doing the course!
I needed to stop trying to try to let go
and just let go
get it?
no, I dont now
but it made sense at the time
and it will again when I get reminded
God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" P63
Johno stop listening to your head
it tells you a pack of lies
just keep on keeping on
til your done!
Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. P76 I also agree to put victory over old ideas in this one aswell.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
The Courage to Heal - Ellen Bass & Laura Davis
Due to an side on attack of the demons
in WH Smiths at the Station yesterday
After a 2.5year gap, I bent the cover of
this book again last night
Reality tells me, am pre mental
Step 10's showed me
that my first thought was just
a thin layer of a lie, which seemed the truth
Step10's show me whats under it is far less menacing
and driven by envy, self seeking and self pity
and a desire to be normal... which doesnt exist!
The Courage To Heal showed me I am normal
for someone who was sexually abused as a child
oh yeh and the onset of Pre Mental
am I sync ing with the moon ?
A dirty, unshaven, unkemped
guy back after being out for 6 month
still smelling of drink, and fear, and deep shame, hurt pride
and telling me he has let everyone down
I took him hostage for 10 minutes
it really pushed me, am glad it did
he got me right back in there
and wouldnt let go
and I wouldnt give up
its a newcomers meeting
i needed to get dirty on the floor in there
feel what it was like again
Johno what was really going on in your head at the end ?
Desperate, suicidal, had enough, sick and tired
so what really was it like ?
Confusing, lost, no dignity, out of control
didnt know who I was anymore or where I was going
so what really changed things for you
I became suicidal again, without a drink
blaming AA in my head cos it wasnt working
truth was I wasnt doing anything
except relying on my Sponsor to change the way I felt
You must be bored talking to me
No not really, is this your home group ?
It used to be til I drank, yeh I suppose
So what did you do ?
I eventually did the step work and suggestions
my sponsor gave me
so is your first thought when you open your eyes ?
Oh God do I have to do the day ?
What really ?
Yes really
so how to you get to do things then ?
I stop listening to my head
Huh ?
I had to stop listening to my head
Cos it wants me out there dead
What even now ?
yeh even now
but what is it really that changed things ?
Stopping listening to my head and instead listening to other people
in my home groups who were obviously changing for
the better and doing what they did
Which was what ?
Start the steps, and do the suggestions
and hang in there by my finger nails
dont drink not matter what
and spend all the thinking restless
time I had in meetings
So how long you been sober ?
just over 4 years
And when did it change ?
When I started doing what my sponsor suggested
the best I could, shall we get some tea ?
yeh
Having just told my story to an AA meeting
all men except for 1 other
I felt naked
I flicked through this book last night
needing the identification for how I was feeling
KNOWING it would be in there
see I am not special or different
in any area of my life
Its all there when i need it
just at times need to know where to look
Faith said its in the book, just look
and so is the solution
and it is
The Fear, deep shame, hurt pride of my thinking does not
completely win out now
The i cant tell anyone, may today seem
true (in my head)
Today I know I am a sick person getting well
not a bad person getting good
So am still at the point where I
"want to disclose, cant disclose, wont disclose"
this is where I find Step10's and telling God, saves me
God is not a person
God knows what I think as its happening
and he still with me
With people
Fear...you wont like me when you know what I think!
Faith tells me, my sponsor didnt flinch
when I told her my worst nightmare
Fear & pride says... you should be over this now
Faith says, shut up, I cant help what I think
am not a robot
Fear says... go on then
Faith, is silent
I do know I have much work to do in this area
in fact in many areas
These eskimos always appear at the oddest times
with a demon or two
Thank God I dont have to tackle all
my life problems at one
Just for today
Selotape on mouth firmly
Ignore head completely
and avoid contact with anyone flakey
and just do the basics
for the next 24 hours
This too shall pass for now...
I have an exam on Thursday
either way, my life will change
All this stuff
Is dealable with
inch by inch
I want to pass it
The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis
will not suit everyone
It does not have the monopoly on its subject
its authors just offer a solution that works for them
it helps me at times too
Its impossible to stay in a comfort zone
for long
when am in service mode
Are you willing to go to Anylengths... you said
yeh I am, sometimes do I feel though like am
verging on the riduculous :D
in WH Smiths at the Station yesterday
After a 2.5year gap, I bent the cover of
this book again last night
Reality tells me, am pre mental
Step 10's showed me
that my first thought was just
a thin layer of a lie, which seemed the truth
Step10's show me whats under it is far less menacing
and driven by envy, self seeking and self pity
and a desire to be normal... which doesnt exist!
The Courage To Heal showed me I am normal
for someone who was sexually abused as a child
oh yeh and the onset of Pre Mental
am I sync ing with the moon ?
A dirty, unshaven, unkemped
guy back after being out for 6 month
still smelling of drink, and fear, and deep shame, hurt pride
and telling me he has let everyone down
I took him hostage for 10 minutes
it really pushed me, am glad it did
he got me right back in there
and wouldnt let go
and I wouldnt give up
its a newcomers meeting
i needed to get dirty on the floor in there
feel what it was like again
Johno what was really going on in your head at the end ?
Desperate, suicidal, had enough, sick and tired
so what really was it like ?
Confusing, lost, no dignity, out of control
didnt know who I was anymore or where I was going
so what really changed things for you
I became suicidal again, without a drink
blaming AA in my head cos it wasnt working
truth was I wasnt doing anything
except relying on my Sponsor to change the way I felt
You must be bored talking to me
No not really, is this your home group ?
It used to be til I drank, yeh I suppose
So what did you do ?
I eventually did the step work and suggestions
my sponsor gave me
so is your first thought when you open your eyes ?
Oh God do I have to do the day ?
What really ?
Yes really
so how to you get to do things then ?
I stop listening to my head
Huh ?
I had to stop listening to my head
Cos it wants me out there dead
What even now ?
yeh even now
but what is it really that changed things ?
Stopping listening to my head and instead listening to other people
in my home groups who were obviously changing for
the better and doing what they did
Which was what ?
Start the steps, and do the suggestions
and hang in there by my finger nails
dont drink not matter what
and spend all the thinking restless
time I had in meetings
So how long you been sober ?
just over 4 years
And when did it change ?
When I started doing what my sponsor suggested
the best I could, shall we get some tea ?
yeh
Having just told my story to an AA meeting
all men except for 1 other
I felt naked
I flicked through this book last night
needing the identification for how I was feeling
KNOWING it would be in there
see I am not special or different
in any area of my life
Its all there when i need it
just at times need to know where to look
Faith said its in the book, just look
and so is the solution
and it is
The Fear, deep shame, hurt pride of my thinking does not
completely win out now
The i cant tell anyone, may today seem
true (in my head)
Today I know I am a sick person getting well
not a bad person getting good
So am still at the point where I
"want to disclose, cant disclose, wont disclose"
this is where I find Step10's and telling God, saves me
God is not a person
God knows what I think as its happening
and he still with me
With people
Fear...you wont like me when you know what I think!
Faith tells me, my sponsor didnt flinch
when I told her my worst nightmare
Fear & pride says... you should be over this now
Faith says, shut up, I cant help what I think
am not a robot
Fear says... go on then
Faith, is silent
I do know I have much work to do in this area
in fact in many areas
These eskimos always appear at the oddest times
with a demon or two
Thank God I dont have to tackle all
my life problems at one
Just for today
Selotape on mouth firmly
Ignore head completely
and avoid contact with anyone flakey
and just do the basics
for the next 24 hours
This too shall pass for now...
I have an exam on Thursday
either way, my life will change
All this stuff
Is dealable with
inch by inch
I want to pass it
The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis
will not suit everyone
It does not have the monopoly on its subject
its authors just offer a solution that works for them
it helps me at times too
Its impossible to stay in a comfort zone
for long
when am in service mode
Are you willing to go to Anylengths... you said
yeh I am, sometimes do I feel though like am
verging on the riduculous :D
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Windmills of your Mind
Heres a song that
First reached in there and grabbed me
at a VERY early age
Sadly I cant find the original YET
ok since posting this this morning
***HOW BIZARRE THIS IS THE ONE***
Having never seen a Harry Potter movie
I am feeling a bit freaked out LOL
You'lll tell me its the top ten next!!!
Or you Might prefer listen with abit of Pierce
Felt different
Thought different
disconnected
music, words
somehow connected me with the singer
it was someone
like they spoke to me
this is how it was
I knew no different
had no other
identified with no-one
alone
Very young, under 10
this was a song I connected with
I dont know why now
I cant remember
Its not a very uplifting song
but then I was
confused, isolated and lonely then
thats how it was
well thats all i know
Makes the hairs stand on the back of my neck
Never underestimate the Power of Music
Thankfully am not in the bog of despair nowadays
I still listen fondly to this though
It kept me on the path at times
To "Noel Harrison" the One who wrote the lyrics
I thank you
God...HP... Harry Potter
First reached in there and grabbed me
at a VERY early age
Sadly I cant find the original YET
ok since posting this this morning
***HOW BIZARRE THIS IS THE ONE***
Having never seen a Harry Potter movie
I am feeling a bit freaked out LOL
You'lll tell me its the top ten next!!!
Or you Might prefer listen with abit of Pierce
Felt different
Thought different
disconnected
music, words
somehow connected me with the singer
it was someone
like they spoke to me
this is how it was
I knew no different
had no other
identified with no-one
alone
Very young, under 10
this was a song I connected with
I dont know why now
I cant remember
Its not a very uplifting song
but then I was
confused, isolated and lonely then
thats how it was
well thats all i know
Makes the hairs stand on the back of my neck
Never underestimate the Power of Music
Thankfully am not in the bog of despair nowadays
I still listen fondly to this though
It kept me on the path at times
To "Noel Harrison" the One who wrote the lyrics
I thank you
God...HP... Harry Potter
Monday, August 22, 2005
Do what the winners do, you get what they got
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. P84 Alcoholics Anonymous
i was reading steps8&9 again in Big book, got to the bottom of page 83 & my mind shut down to reading, i couldnt look no further, physically my head wouldnt let me read the promises, my mind wouldnt let me look... i was staring into space for minutes. i heard them in meetings, i read them before, i know some off by heart, but now am THAT close, my head wont let me read them in my own big book. S'weird the power of the mind.
My heads still saying, it'll work for everyone else except for johno. Today I didnt listen or fight with my head.
It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start fromthat point. Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would!
i will read it at some point. Went to a step2 meeting. Talked for ages at coffee with a 4week sober miracle
some of the promises are coming true for me already. Just because i couldnt read them today, doesnt mean i will be the exception. i am a part of a process far more powerful than my head, I am changing, inspite of myself, my spirit today showed me the truth.
Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn't enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. P97 Alcoholics Anonymous
Another good day in paradise, finances, jobs around home, family, meetings and service
A simple plan set up for tomorrow already. Put your recovery first.
Am getting well from the inside out. An it feels good this spiritual surgery.
i was reading steps8&9 again in Big book, got to the bottom of page 83 & my mind shut down to reading, i couldnt look no further, physically my head wouldnt let me read the promises, my mind wouldnt let me look... i was staring into space for minutes. i heard them in meetings, i read them before, i know some off by heart, but now am THAT close, my head wont let me read them in my own big book. S'weird the power of the mind.
My heads still saying, it'll work for everyone else except for johno. Today I didnt listen or fight with my head.
It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start fromthat point. Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would!
i will read it at some point. Went to a step2 meeting. Talked for ages at coffee with a 4week sober miracle
some of the promises are coming true for me already. Just because i couldnt read them today, doesnt mean i will be the exception. i am a part of a process far more powerful than my head, I am changing, inspite of myself, my spirit today showed me the truth.
Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn't enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. P97 Alcoholics Anonymous
Another good day in paradise, finances, jobs around home, family, meetings and service
A simple plan set up for tomorrow already. Put your recovery first.
Am getting well from the inside out. An it feels good this spiritual surgery.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
This too shall pass
I am just where am supposed to be.
Did i expect all my difficulties & defects to disappear, just because I was about to be 2years sober ? well supposed the way I have been feeling the last few months. yes. DUH!!
Get real its quality not quantity, you can still be an ass at 2 or 20 years sober
My blogs, prove how much I need to learn more abt the AA programme.
There are no days off.
How i can always improve on how i do it, theres always an element of self will that needs to be eliminated.
I do suffer from grave emotional & mental disorders.
"Working" with another alcoholic ALWAYS lifts my self obsession.
I need to act abit faster, spare the rest of the world from johno's fear & self pity.
I am grateful for
Remembering my last drunk tonight
Not drinking today
Getting to work
Being honest today
Going to the best meeting i could find tonight
talking with all the newcomers there, even the ones that scared me
keeping it simple
not getting a resentment when I didnt get to share
being nuts with the well people today
letting the well people remind me that it HAS been a good day
turning up
doing my lousy best
finishing my list of all people I have harmed.....
being willing to make amends to them all
accepting that it says am i willing...
admitting to myself that am scared i will be the one that it dont work for
being willing to do it anyway
having a toilet that works
Chester having a great parent
Blue's BB quote for me
peoples comments on my blog over the past few weeks
being part of a fellowship thats given me more than i could ever have dreamed
other peoples patience
Yeh ok for having a sponsor that manages to kicks my ass by saying nothing
having a sponsor that tells me the ego puncturing truth about me
not sulking when i got told my behaviour isnt acceptable
doing what i have been told to do, even though its hard
having people around me that give me what I need, not what i want
me accepting that the above is whats best for me, if i want to grow up
wanting to grow up
seeing how dishonest i have been with my ex partner
seeing how i got no idea how to do people
wanting to get out of my head, end this isolation
not knowing am not out yet, but believing it just might happen...someday
accepting my sink of washing up is is no big deal
being willing to make accept my imperfect self abit
not caring how long this gratitude list is
being grateful for being grateful
You have given me so much, i need to keep coming back to be reminded where i have come from, because I forget quickly.
The only things I know for sure TODAY is that I am an alcoholic & there is a solution which works, when i work it. (and doesnt when I dont)
Great Spirit, its time, am ready to take your hand and walk with you once more, blind faith.
I just remebered the Fork :-)
Did i expect all my difficulties & defects to disappear, just because I was about to be 2years sober ? well supposed the way I have been feeling the last few months. yes. DUH!!
Get real its quality not quantity, you can still be an ass at 2 or 20 years sober
My blogs, prove how much I need to learn more abt the AA programme.
There are no days off.
How i can always improve on how i do it, theres always an element of self will that needs to be eliminated.
I do suffer from grave emotional & mental disorders.
"Working" with another alcoholic ALWAYS lifts my self obsession.
I need to act abit faster, spare the rest of the world from johno's fear & self pity.
I am grateful for
Remembering my last drunk tonight
Not drinking today
Getting to work
Being honest today
Going to the best meeting i could find tonight
talking with all the newcomers there, even the ones that scared me
keeping it simple
not getting a resentment when I didnt get to share
being nuts with the well people today
letting the well people remind me that it HAS been a good day
turning up
doing my lousy best
finishing my list of all people I have harmed.....
being willing to make amends to them all
accepting that it says am i willing...
admitting to myself that am scared i will be the one that it dont work for
being willing to do it anyway
having a toilet that works
Chester having a great parent
Blue's BB quote for me
peoples comments on my blog over the past few weeks
being part of a fellowship thats given me more than i could ever have dreamed
other peoples patience
Yeh ok for having a sponsor that manages to kicks my ass by saying nothing
having a sponsor that tells me the ego puncturing truth about me
not sulking when i got told my behaviour isnt acceptable
doing what i have been told to do, even though its hard
having people around me that give me what I need, not what i want
me accepting that the above is whats best for me, if i want to grow up
wanting to grow up
seeing how dishonest i have been with my ex partner
seeing how i got no idea how to do people
wanting to get out of my head, end this isolation
not knowing am not out yet, but believing it just might happen...someday
accepting my sink of washing up is is no big deal
being willing to make accept my imperfect self abit
not caring how long this gratitude list is
being grateful for being grateful
You have given me so much, i need to keep coming back to be reminded where i have come from, because I forget quickly.
The only things I know for sure TODAY is that I am an alcoholic & there is a solution which works, when i work it. (and doesnt when I dont)
Great Spirit, its time, am ready to take your hand and walk with you once more, blind faith.
I just remebered the Fork :-)
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Why am i doing this ?
If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets hurts some more.
If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval. After doing that, he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within. Page 95 Alcoholics Anonymous
This describes my position at the moment. I am the "he" in the paragraphs. Its applies to me & my relationship with my sponsor.
If I was interested in the solution I am being given, i would be doing my step 8
expects you to act a nurse for his sprees (feeling less than, self pity, self centred fear, needyness)
you may have to drop him.... I am dropping myself, not sacking myself...just dropping until I have changed my mind. Finished my step8, done whats been suggested,
If I am sincerely interested, i must decide for myself if i wish to go on. If I am interested in finding God, the desire must come from within.
For me I need to check out my motives for doing these steps... If i am to find God, the desire must come from within. Not without.
GET HONEST -TELL THE TRUTH. Today I am doing them to please you, my sponsor, look super sober, these are all wrong motives, not following spiritual principles. My need for approval, to be liked, loved, is a killer in itself. Yet if you had asked me the same question a week ago, I would not have said all this, and i would have been telling you the truth. I do the steps to change me, my thinking, take me further away from a drink.
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition P86 Alcoholics Anonymous
I keep repeating old behaviour over and over with my sponsor & its not helping either of us. I cant stop... Its definitely not helping me. I get no releif when i do it & my sponsors reaction also gives me no relief. It gives me a feeling of remorse & guilt, cos it brings only misery. Insanity.
The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casualway, "It won't burn me this time, so here's how!"Or perhaps he doesn't think at all. P24 Alcoholics Anonymous.
There are those, too, who suffer from GRAVE emotional & mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. P54 Alcoholics Anonymous
It never fails if you go about it with one half the zeal you havebeen in the habit of showing when getting another drink. P181 Alcoholics Anonymous
I am scared the promises wont come true, that i will still feel like this, get this whats the poiint. ungrateful alone, my head keeps winning and think fuck it.
Have I come across another line? A line that says "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path" Are you in or out? Are you an alky like us or not? Are you prepared to give it away everyday if necessary? Do you like what you have & are you prepared to follow these simple suggestions on a daily basis in order to maintain it? Are you willing to go to ANY LENGTHS to get what we have? My heads projected to "the rest of my life" am not keeping it in the day. I am not following the programme. Am doing it my way. My way = tall order, perfectionism, saint johno, no chance, so fuckit whats the point.
We know what you are thinking. You are saying toyourself: "I'm jittery and alone. I couldn't do that."But you can. You forget that you have just now tapped a source of power much greater than yourself. To duplicate,with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a matter of willingness, patience and labor. P163 Alcoholics Anonymous
God, I offer myself to Thee --to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, andThy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" P63 Alcoholics Anonymous
Step8 & suggestions, Do them Johno. Do them anyway, even if you dont really know why, just do them anyway, your job is not to Question, its just to do the next right thing. The next right and loving thing in Gods world, could well be whats instore. REMEMBER THE FORK.
An hour doing this Blog, maybe i need to spend the time on 8.........
Stop thinking.
If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval. After doing that, he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within. Page 95 Alcoholics Anonymous
This describes my position at the moment. I am the "he" in the paragraphs. Its applies to me & my relationship with my sponsor.
If I was interested in the solution I am being given, i would be doing my step 8
expects you to act a nurse for his sprees (feeling less than, self pity, self centred fear, needyness)
you may have to drop him.... I am dropping myself, not sacking myself...just dropping until I have changed my mind. Finished my step8, done whats been suggested,
If I am sincerely interested, i must decide for myself if i wish to go on. If I am interested in finding God, the desire must come from within.
For me I need to check out my motives for doing these steps... If i am to find God, the desire must come from within. Not without.
GET HONEST -TELL THE TRUTH. Today I am doing them to please you, my sponsor, look super sober, these are all wrong motives, not following spiritual principles. My need for approval, to be liked, loved, is a killer in itself. Yet if you had asked me the same question a week ago, I would not have said all this, and i would have been telling you the truth. I do the steps to change me, my thinking, take me further away from a drink.
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition P86 Alcoholics Anonymous
I keep repeating old behaviour over and over with my sponsor & its not helping either of us. I cant stop... Its definitely not helping me. I get no releif when i do it & my sponsors reaction also gives me no relief. It gives me a feeling of remorse & guilt, cos it brings only misery. Insanity.
The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casualway, "It won't burn me this time, so here's how!"Or perhaps he doesn't think at all. P24 Alcoholics Anonymous.
There are those, too, who suffer from GRAVE emotional & mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. P54 Alcoholics Anonymous
It never fails if you go about it with one half the zeal you havebeen in the habit of showing when getting another drink. P181 Alcoholics Anonymous
I am scared the promises wont come true, that i will still feel like this, get this whats the poiint. ungrateful alone, my head keeps winning and think fuck it.
Have I come across another line? A line that says "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path" Are you in or out? Are you an alky like us or not? Are you prepared to give it away everyday if necessary? Do you like what you have & are you prepared to follow these simple suggestions on a daily basis in order to maintain it? Are you willing to go to ANY LENGTHS to get what we have? My heads projected to "the rest of my life" am not keeping it in the day. I am not following the programme. Am doing it my way. My way = tall order, perfectionism, saint johno, no chance, so fuckit whats the point.
We know what you are thinking. You are saying toyourself: "I'm jittery and alone. I couldn't do that."But you can. You forget that you have just now tapped a source of power much greater than yourself. To duplicate,with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a matter of willingness, patience and labor. P163 Alcoholics Anonymous
God, I offer myself to Thee --to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, andThy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" P63 Alcoholics Anonymous
Step8 & suggestions, Do them Johno. Do them anyway, even if you dont really know why, just do them anyway, your job is not to Question, its just to do the next right thing. The next right and loving thing in Gods world, could well be whats instore. REMEMBER THE FORK.
An hour doing this Blog, maybe i need to spend the time on 8.........
Stop thinking.
Roll up for the Magical Misery Tour
I woke up today alone with my head, turned over and went back to sleep, through 2 alarms snoozing & alarming.
I find it alarming that i can "work somekind of programme" through 2 months of uncertainty, wake up with purpose & get on with it. The first day I wake up without it, its just my head back in the driving seat.
My bed used to be my escape, now it feels like the prison.
Its that feeling that... how longs it gonna take before my mind wanders around to a flimsy reed hanging in the caves of my mind and grabs it. Suddenly its like i get switched on & get up. Until that its all very mirky, frightening, everything to do but cant do.
Everything hangs on how quickly i remember i got a programme, that I am not alone, that i got a purpose. Have a purpose, npt alone, but with HP, praying, is doing the next right thing. My head told me to Fuck it today. I got to work 90minutes late & never got going all day. At 3.30 I decided i couldnt do today. Too many piles of stuff on my desk, too much. So just prayed (kind of) and did the next most important peice of work on my desk, then the next, then the next. Was ok really.
My boss knows i got a problem with mornings & he knows I will make the time up. I told sleeping through alarms is a problem i have sometimes & i not taking the piss. So he okish when it happens. Cos it dont happen often nowadays.
There are those, too, who suffer from GRAVE emotional & mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
P54 Alcoholics Anonymous
Is a promise, it dont say many of them except for Johno.
Did service tonight, on the front line, how to reduce self obsession & self pity & pride?
Chapter 1. BILL'S STORY page 15 if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.
I found some gratitude for what i been given.
Am still in with a self pity hit, today I thought i cant go on with this for the rest of my life, even a beer seemed a thirst quenching thought at lunch time. Strange journey my head took me om today. Today My head took me on a Magical Misery Tour
Today was a good day, I didnt drink, i did my best, turned up for work, did my best, i did service. That was any lengths for me today. Let it go now its history.
Today I feel like I have beeen carried, by the Spirit of the Universe.
Let it go now Johno, its history. Let go, Let God.
I find it alarming that i can "work somekind of programme" through 2 months of uncertainty, wake up with purpose & get on with it. The first day I wake up without it, its just my head back in the driving seat.
My bed used to be my escape, now it feels like the prison.
Its that feeling that... how longs it gonna take before my mind wanders around to a flimsy reed hanging in the caves of my mind and grabs it. Suddenly its like i get switched on & get up. Until that its all very mirky, frightening, everything to do but cant do.
Everything hangs on how quickly i remember i got a programme, that I am not alone, that i got a purpose. Have a purpose, npt alone, but with HP, praying, is doing the next right thing. My head told me to Fuck it today. I got to work 90minutes late & never got going all day. At 3.30 I decided i couldnt do today. Too many piles of stuff on my desk, too much. So just prayed (kind of) and did the next most important peice of work on my desk, then the next, then the next. Was ok really.
My boss knows i got a problem with mornings & he knows I will make the time up. I told sleeping through alarms is a problem i have sometimes & i not taking the piss. So he okish when it happens. Cos it dont happen often nowadays.
There are those, too, who suffer from GRAVE emotional & mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
P54 Alcoholics Anonymous
Is a promise, it dont say many of them except for Johno.
Did service tonight, on the front line, how to reduce self obsession & self pity & pride?
Chapter 1. BILL'S STORY page 15 if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.
I found some gratitude for what i been given.
Am still in with a self pity hit, today I thought i cant go on with this for the rest of my life, even a beer seemed a thirst quenching thought at lunch time. Strange journey my head took me om today. Today My head took me on a Magical Misery Tour
Today was a good day, I didnt drink, i did my best, turned up for work, did my best, i did service. That was any lengths for me today. Let it go now its history.
Today I feel like I have beeen carried, by the Spirit of the Universe.
Let it go now Johno, its history. Let go, Let God.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Its NOT ok to lie
I lied yesterday. Taking a sick day without being sick, IS a form of dishonesty
Any form of dishonesty is a SEVERE LIABILITY as far as my recovery is concerned.
So white lies are OUT, along with ALL other ‘harmless’ versions of dishonesty, if i am planning on recovering that is
Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS page 58 Alcoholics Anonymous
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Grave = dangerous, grave, grievous, serious, severe Big Book Dictionary
I got reminded today that I suffer from a GRAVE emotional & mental disorder any form of dishonesty is a SEVERE LIABILITY as far as recovery is concerned, and relief from grave mental and emotional disorders.
I knew yesterday was uncomfortable, it was the lying that i did, that i didnt admit too... why? because I didnt realise that i was lying. I justified my dishonesty, as a means to save my own skin, my actions were all well intentioned, good motives etc, so it didnt seem like dishonesty. Or it made what i did appear to be ok then. Infact i never even thought about the words dishonesty or lying atall yesterday.
I still dont see myself as dishonest, rather arrogant huh? I must be, i just cant see it.
I got alot to learn. Am so steeped in deluded thinking.
Do not be discouraged. Progress not Perfection. Keep coming back
Read the Big Book, REALLY read it.
Thank God I got a Sponsor who can see my defects when I miss them
A note to me - a measure on how well I cope outside my head & with other people. Theres a party going on on Trudges Blog, and I cant even take part. Still crippled by pride, Self centred Fear... they block the sunlight from my imagination. Keep Coming Back Johno, Do not be discouraged. First Things First.
Any form of dishonesty is a SEVERE LIABILITY as far as my recovery is concerned.
So white lies are OUT, along with ALL other ‘harmless’ versions of dishonesty, if i am planning on recovering that is
Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS page 58 Alcoholics Anonymous
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Grave = dangerous, grave, grievous, serious, severe Big Book Dictionary
I got reminded today that I suffer from a GRAVE emotional & mental disorder any form of dishonesty is a SEVERE LIABILITY as far as recovery is concerned, and relief from grave mental and emotional disorders.
I knew yesterday was uncomfortable, it was the lying that i did, that i didnt admit too... why? because I didnt realise that i was lying. I justified my dishonesty, as a means to save my own skin, my actions were all well intentioned, good motives etc, so it didnt seem like dishonesty. Or it made what i did appear to be ok then. Infact i never even thought about the words dishonesty or lying atall yesterday.
I still dont see myself as dishonest, rather arrogant huh? I must be, i just cant see it.
I got alot to learn. Am so steeped in deluded thinking.
Do not be discouraged. Progress not Perfection. Keep coming back
Read the Big Book, REALLY read it.
Thank God I got a Sponsor who can see my defects when I miss them
A note to me - a measure on how well I cope outside my head & with other people. Theres a party going on on Trudges Blog, and I cant even take part. Still crippled by pride, Self centred Fear... they block the sunlight from my imagination. Keep Coming Back Johno, Do not be discouraged. First Things First.
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