The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. P152
Even though my holiday
has not actually been celebrations in the conventional sense
it has been out of the usual routine
Many "firsts"
I have spent time with many friends
that I have never spent Christmas/New Year with
enjoyable
relaxing
doing
feeling
chilling
listening
exciting
acknowledging how I am doing or not
acknowledging how I am being or not
Yep am feeling the usual
back to work
is that it?
now what?
must arrange a heap of social stuff
must do
must do
must do
yet this is a trap!
Intuitively I know this ...
busyness does not lead to contentment
it is doing in a useful sense
without resentment
that changes the way I feel
as opposed to doing pleasing stuff as a fix really
or under obligation
or as an impulse reaction due to tiredness
Am I Hungry?
Am I Angry?
Am I lonely?
Am I Tired?
To go against the feeling
I am lacking
not doing enough
spiritual pride that I am not doing, yet others are, therefore I am lacking
and just
"Be still and know You are God" Psalm 46:10
take time to pray and listen
ask some questions
what Is Your Will for me this year/week/today?
what is You Will for me in the workplace?
at home
in my family
at church
friends
"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63
Where do I fallshort at present?
What do I need Gods help with
What can I do for myself and am not?
What do I need God to grant me willingness to do?
What do I need to surrender absolutely?
What defects were at play in 2009
what do I need to ask God to work on
What do I need to let him work on
How do You want me to spend my time?
Do I need to stop anything?
How are my relationships?
What am I fearful of?
What is my experience of the outcome of that fear?
Is it False Evidence Appearing Real?
Has my fears come true?
Or has God provided what I needed?
What do I need to discuss wiuth another person?
Which is the most appropriate person?
Dont know? Then ask God please put them in my path...
Pray Earnestly
remain Open
and Listen
Hear
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Friday, January 01, 2010
Prayer Party - end of the old - welcome in the new
Prayer Party (last years write up)
time to pray for
ourselves
our friends/family
uk
world
worship loud! in true HTB style!
Awesome :)
time to pray for
ourselves
our friends/family
uk
world
worship loud! in true HTB style!
Awesome :)
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Maybe good Maybe bad
I went for Physio yesterday
feeling yet again that this will never end
more exersizes
no real end insight
slight improvement
I have been here before
and wondering again
whats the plan in store for me
accepting and trusting
even though i don't like
this slowness that I am forced
to take as the result of
physical disability
with no real resolution ahead
I sat on the beach after
and counted a few blessings
watching the kitesurfers
reflecting on how much I wanted to
learn this and still do
yet I wonder how different this last
12 months is likely to have been
had my physical health been
sufficient to give me the confidence
and strength to undertake this
strenuous, and very exciting extreme sport?
I watched them out there
at one with the wind and the water
slightly envious yet seeing the
isolation of the sport
you and the elements nature
whilst you are out there with others
its not a team or socially interactive
except probably off piste!
I know that although God brought me
away from all that I know
he didnt want me alone
he showed me the Salvation Army
and gave me a church family
Had I had my way from the start
I would have learned Kitesurfing
and spent most weekends and energy
learning and surfing
all summer I THINK! nah I KNOW!
I believe that if I had pushed myself
I could have still learned
yet through prayers
Thy will not mine
I have been led around a different path
and I am glad that I have
Its likely that I wouldnt have
developed the friendships I have at church
started and lead a hobby group
build a relationship with my pastor
get involved with volunteering in the kitchen
go regularly on Sundays
be present in mind when I attend and take part
be willing to be led in where God wants of me
try new things
read the bible in a disciplined fashion
develop my relationship with jesus
help develop others relationship with Jesus
lead a weekly bible study
be willing to listen to what others see in me
consider a role within church
consider Christianity this seriously
physically I have spent more time locally
at home with cat
being a neighbour
slowing down
acting - my age!
listening to the silence
listening for that still small yet very firm voice
that I hear so often
self will
I could have done all of the above
but most would have been on a superficial level
it would have got in the way
its un likely I would be this involved at church
and enjoying it (mostly!!)
like i am
if i have taken up kitesurfing
I would have got what I wanted
who knows I may still get it
See Gods plan I can see its not ruled out
its just a not yet
A physical handicap
may not get me what I wanted
but I am glad that God gave me what I needed
and I feel blessed
weak yet strong
see so when I say that I doubt
what I know and believe
When I am growing along spiritual lines
I am forced to challenge that which
I know to be true YESTERDAY
and change, let go of ideas
that are not working in the present
forced to look at my motives
beliefs, feelings, everything
over and over again
and let go of the deadwood
i learned this in step 5
God wants me back to my purest state
the way he created us in Genesis
how can I rebel and follow my own will
self seeking, pleasure etc
it will not sustain me long term
the spiritual life is about
growing up
letting go of instant gratification
works first
and whatever comes after
At times however
because there seems so much work to do
on myslef and for/with others
I have to work at lightening up!
feeling yet again that this will never end
more exersizes
no real end insight
slight improvement
I have been here before
and wondering again
whats the plan in store for me
accepting and trusting
even though i don't like
this slowness that I am forced
to take as the result of
physical disability
with no real resolution ahead
I sat on the beach after
and counted a few blessings
watching the kitesurfers
reflecting on how much I wanted to
learn this and still do
yet I wonder how different this last
12 months is likely to have been
had my physical health been
sufficient to give me the confidence
and strength to undertake this
strenuous, and very exciting extreme sport?
I watched them out there
at one with the wind and the water
slightly envious yet seeing the
isolation of the sport
you and the elements nature
whilst you are out there with others
its not a team or socially interactive
except probably off piste!
I know that although God brought me
away from all that I know
he didnt want me alone
he showed me the Salvation Army
and gave me a church family
Had I had my way from the start
I would have learned Kitesurfing
and spent most weekends and energy
learning and surfing
all summer I THINK! nah I KNOW!
I believe that if I had pushed myself
I could have still learned
yet through prayers
Thy will not mine
I have been led around a different path
and I am glad that I have
Its likely that I wouldnt have
developed the friendships I have at church
started and lead a hobby group
build a relationship with my pastor
get involved with volunteering in the kitchen
go regularly on Sundays
be present in mind when I attend and take part
be willing to be led in where God wants of me
try new things
read the bible in a disciplined fashion
develop my relationship with jesus
help develop others relationship with Jesus
lead a weekly bible study
be willing to listen to what others see in me
consider a role within church
consider Christianity this seriously
physically I have spent more time locally
at home with cat
being a neighbour
slowing down
acting - my age!
listening to the silence
listening for that still small yet very firm voice
that I hear so often
self will
I could have done all of the above
but most would have been on a superficial level
it would have got in the way
its un likely I would be this involved at church
and enjoying it (mostly!!)
like i am
if i have taken up kitesurfing
I would have got what I wanted
who knows I may still get it
See Gods plan I can see its not ruled out
its just a not yet
A physical handicap
may not get me what I wanted
but I am glad that God gave me what I needed
and I feel blessed
weak yet strong
see so when I say that I doubt
what I know and believe
When I am growing along spiritual lines
I am forced to challenge that which
I know to be true YESTERDAY
and change, let go of ideas
that are not working in the present
forced to look at my motives
beliefs, feelings, everything
over and over again
and let go of the deadwood
i learned this in step 5
God wants me back to my purest state
the way he created us in Genesis
how can I rebel and follow my own will
self seeking, pleasure etc
it will not sustain me long term
the spiritual life is about
growing up
letting go of instant gratification
works first
and whatever comes after
At times however
because there seems so much work to do
on myslef and for/with others
I have to work at lightening up!
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Grace
And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is You
Monday, October 05, 2009
Am I wasting the Grace I have been given?
you know these emails we get
most of them ditch
well I get one last week
with a picture of a child with stitches
all down her face...
Today I receive a
social transformation newsletter
from HTB
with details that the Eden network
are coming to london
I watched this blog vid Breathing Life
You can pause the mini commentary
which auto starts in the top left corner
(if you prefer)
I was sitting at work today
commuted on the train
sat in the office
wondering
what am I doing here?
Why am I here?
I AM wasting time
I am wasting Grace
On Saturday I was at a welcome
party for new Salvation Army Officers
William Booth training college
it was awesome.
A question asked was
If you have been given Grace
are you wasting it?
am I wasting the Grace
that I have been given?
Its time to change
I have been given everything and more
than I could ever have wished for
I love by the sea
I have my own place
I have a garden
I have a pet
I have friends
I have good neighbours
I have a church
I have freedom
I have no desire to drink or self harm
yes I can come up with some dark stuff
I ALWAYS WILL!! :)
I want do do something
people matter
Its not about making money
God provides...
I have gone through a process of
letting go and understanding
what Grace is
and improving my conscious contact
with God Jesus Holy Spirit
and it seems more than enough
It is holding my gaze
it isnt an approval seeking
excersize to ease my loneliness
although it does!
It is a real feeling
that is going deeper and deeper
into my soul
Freely am I making contact with this spirit
I am becoming at one withy my creator
and all that it means
I cannot sit here
by the sea and enjoy
without doing something
It makes me happy being here
but it will NOT sustain my soul
the sea and fresh air and safe surroundings
is not enough
I wanted to study Law
I was given the chance
Its not for me long term
I learned so much along the journey
I wanted to live by the sea
I am, I love it
I do not need it permanently
I have fresh air
I love it
I feel that all that I have
is a gift
I get so much and yet
I dont feel as though
I will ever be able to
repay back what I have been given
Dignity
Love
A purpose
A reason to be here
meaningful existance
tools to make a difference
Discipline
Out of hopeless state of body and mind
I have become a disciple
willingly
You made a difference
and now so do I
No time to waste
Grace is a precious commodity
freely given to all
I feel it
Its Gold, Pure Gold
(I just cried)
My soul is at One
and is crying out
so much that I feel sick
frustration?
Have you felt like that?
I am at a turning point
We asken his protection
and care with complete abandon?
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon. p59
We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63
Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. p.85
Gratitude in Action
Belief in Action
God grant me the courage
to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I cant
and wisdom to know the difference
Faith without works is dead p.76
most of them ditch
well I get one last week
with a picture of a child with stitches
all down her face...
Today I receive a
social transformation newsletter
from HTB
with details that the Eden network
are coming to london
I watched this blog vid Breathing Life
You can pause the mini commentary
which auto starts in the top left corner
(if you prefer)
I was sitting at work today
commuted on the train
sat in the office
wondering
what am I doing here?
Why am I here?
I AM wasting time
I am wasting Grace
On Saturday I was at a welcome
party for new Salvation Army Officers
William Booth training college
it was awesome.
A question asked was
If you have been given Grace
are you wasting it?
am I wasting the Grace
that I have been given?
Its time to change
I have been given everything and more
than I could ever have wished for
I love by the sea
I have my own place
I have a garden
I have a pet
I have friends
I have good neighbours
I have a church
I have freedom
I have no desire to drink or self harm
yes I can come up with some dark stuff
I ALWAYS WILL!! :)
I want do do something
people matter
Its not about making money
God provides...
I have gone through a process of
letting go and understanding
what Grace is
and improving my conscious contact
with God Jesus Holy Spirit
and it seems more than enough
It is holding my gaze
it isnt an approval seeking
excersize to ease my loneliness
although it does!
It is a real feeling
that is going deeper and deeper
into my soul
Freely am I making contact with this spirit
I am becoming at one withy my creator
and all that it means
I cannot sit here
by the sea and enjoy
without doing something
It makes me happy being here
but it will NOT sustain my soul
the sea and fresh air and safe surroundings
is not enough
I wanted to study Law
I was given the chance
Its not for me long term
I learned so much along the journey
I wanted to live by the sea
I am, I love it
I do not need it permanently
I have fresh air
I love it
I feel that all that I have
is a gift
I get so much and yet
I dont feel as though
I will ever be able to
repay back what I have been given
Dignity
Love
A purpose
A reason to be here
meaningful existance
tools to make a difference
Discipline
Out of hopeless state of body and mind
I have become a disciple
willingly
You made a difference
and now so do I
No time to waste
Grace is a precious commodity
freely given to all
I feel it
Its Gold, Pure Gold
(I just cried)
My soul is at One
and is crying out
so much that I feel sick
frustration?
Have you felt like that?
I am at a turning point
We asken his protection
and care with complete abandon?
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon. p59
We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63
Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. p.85
Gratitude in Action
Belief in Action
God grant me the courage
to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I cant
and wisdom to know the difference
Faith without works is dead p.76
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Prayer - Pray as you can - NOT as you can't
I have noticed much of my prayers
are around changing me
so that I am better around others/situations
less judgemental
forgiving
patient
willing
silent
tolerent
I have noticed that many Christians
Practiced and new
pray for others
I beat myself up because
I became aware of how selfish
my prayers are even though ultimately
I pray to be changed for the Greater Good
I discussed this with my Sponsor
she suggested I begin the next few days
in praying for people
start simple and specifically
at least I have become aware
Accept the things I cannot change
I cant change whats happened
change the things I can
start now
Wisdom to know the difference
let go now and start praying
as I can not as I cant!
I wont be an expert overnight :)
So this week I have begun praying for
a work colleague to he healed after her operation
for a boy in the newspaper with E-coli to be healed
and for the boys family to be looked after
I prayed for our pastor to be strengthened
I prayed for our church to grow
this feels lovely
its egoless because they dont know
at the same time it hard because there is no reward
no pat on the back
Its an essential discipline I am told
selfless
Day at a time
Pray as you can, not as you can't
change the things you can :)
are around changing me
so that I am better around others/situations
less judgemental
forgiving
patient
willing
silent
tolerent
I have noticed that many Christians
Practiced and new
pray for others
I beat myself up because
I became aware of how selfish
my prayers are even though ultimately
I pray to be changed for the Greater Good
I discussed this with my Sponsor
she suggested I begin the next few days
in praying for people
start simple and specifically
at least I have become aware
Accept the things I cannot change
I cant change whats happened
change the things I can
start now
Wisdom to know the difference
let go now and start praying
as I can not as I cant!
I wont be an expert overnight :)
So this week I have begun praying for
a work colleague to he healed after her operation
for a boy in the newspaper with E-coli to be healed
and for the boys family to be looked after
I prayed for our pastor to be strengthened
I prayed for our church to grow
this feels lovely
its egoless because they dont know
at the same time it hard because there is no reward
no pat on the back
Its an essential discipline I am told
selfless
Day at a time
Pray as you can, not as you can't
change the things you can :)
Thursday, August 20, 2009
6 years today
so grateful
keep coming back
grateful to enjoy
the joys and challenges
life brings
suns hot again already and its only 9am
2 days left of holiday
in this credit crunch time
I am glad I live by the sea :)
I am for the first time
in 42 years
addressing
losing some weight
I have never had to do this
just toning before
somehow its crept on
BMI says "prone to health issues"
which would be about right...
body parts have started playing up
and there is no apparant reason...
now I know
I have to do something...
the spiritual path gets narrower
when you know better
you then have a responsibility
to do better (or at least try)
If I don't
then I suffer the consequences
towing the line
conforming
fitting myself in (or wedging myself in)
surrender to win
Let Go and Let God
Into Action
are the keys
Grateful to AA
given me a life I never had .. only dreamed
keep coming back
grateful to enjoy
the joys and challenges
life brings
suns hot again already and its only 9am
2 days left of holiday
in this credit crunch time
I am glad I live by the sea :)
I am for the first time
in 42 years
addressing
losing some weight
I have never had to do this
just toning before
somehow its crept on
BMI says "prone to health issues"
which would be about right...
body parts have started playing up
and there is no apparant reason...
now I know
I have to do something...
the spiritual path gets narrower
when you know better
you then have a responsibility
to do better (or at least try)
If I don't
then I suffer the consequences
towing the line
conforming
fitting myself in (or wedging myself in)
surrender to win
Let Go and Let God
Into Action
are the keys
Grateful to AA
given me a life I never had .. only dreamed
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Strawberry Swing
Cold Play
Strawberry Swing
enjoy the ... chalk drawing!!
i love the sneaking in in tip toes bit
and the giant squirrel firing arrows!!
awseom
Strawberry Swing
enjoy the ... chalk drawing!!
i love the sneaking in in tip toes bit
and the giant squirrel firing arrows!!
awseom
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Just for today - accepting powerlessness
Just for today
Just for today
I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.
yet again
a moment of clarity
a realisation that I am powerless
over everything really
yet at the same time
not in a victim like way
walking through
what seems to be a war zone
when everythings comin' atcha
and evertything seems to be changing
and everything is
i must be the centre of the universe!! hehe
head spinning
old behaviours comin at me
old thoughts
new thoughts
new actions
new opportunities
see what the comfortzone
I once knoew disappreared
a few years ago
and I have not felt it since
although I have felt peace and serenity
and perfection at times
I am not sure I have felt in a comfort zone
for a while now
is this a problem?
well I only just write it
and no it dont feel a problem
just an observation really
at times its all very exhausting
and I suppose thats probably self will
trying to controll the uncontrollable
trying willpower on what I am powerless over
change!
everything changes
my job is to fit myself to be of maximum helpfulness p102
whatever happens
I realised aswell in the last 24 hours
I am powerless over my father smoking
and when he dies
no matter what happens to him
nothing can make him stop
not that really I have tried
this recent treatment will cost him money
will that stop him?
maybe only death with stop him
like drinking
smoking is addition/illnes/disease
smoking is a family illness too
I am not sure that he has any idea
how his recent heart attack has affected
his close family and friends
perhaps when he returns to the UK
he will?
usually I say nothing about his smoking
and gave up talking about it years ago
who am I to judge
and his and his significant other's attitude towards it
is simply none of anyones business
continuing to smoke
after his triple bypass a while back
restraint of tongue and pen does not apply here!
its my stream of consciousness
and i'll cry if I want to :)
i noticed my father carried guilt burdens
which he shared when I made amends
he does not have a program
he does not have a God
to ask for forgiveness from
unconditionally
and thats sad
I read this about building our soul today by Paolo Coelho
Four Forces issue 203
First Force: Love
Rabbi Iaakov’s wife was always looking for an excuse to argue with her husband. Iaakov never answered her provocations.
Until one night when, during a dinner with some friends, the rabbi had a ferocious argument with his wife to the surprise of all at table.
“What happened?” they asked. “Why did you break your habit of never answering?”
“Because I realized that what bothered my wife most was the fact that I remained silent. Acting in this way, I remained far from her emotions. My reaction was an act of love, and I managed to make her understand that I heard her words."
which has changed my attitude
that restraint of tongue and pen
minding my own business
and live and let live
is not always the loving thing
this does not mean
ranting, telling, ordering, ultimatums, sulking is
what i see today
is that I need to pray for the words
ask God to give me the words
to say to my Dad
to express how I do not want him to die
and early death
that seeing him smoking really upsets me
seeing my mum in the last stages
of lung cancer was a frightening
and the memories of what she physically looked
like I do not think I will ever erase
from my mind
I do not think all this is to be said
agai I am expressing
my stream of consciousness
yet at the same time
As with Rabbi Isaakov
If I stay silent he will not know that
I love him and value him being around
My father said to me
twice in two overseas phone calls
from his intensive care bed
"I love you"
I dont remember
him EVER saying me loves me
I know he does
he just doesnt say it
At the same time
I am accepting that he may continue smoking
no matter what I say
and die very soon
or live for a lot longer
or his arteries could collapse on the plane home
or like my mum
he may pack up smoking and be dead within 6 months!
see am powerless
and accepting
and full of fecking wisdom
sometimes i wonder if
ignorance is really bliss
i'm off to denial
smoking doesnt kill right!?
ok, aside from this
I am enjoying friends
making music
beach
local AA
I started a new group at my church
although
being me
theres a battle going on
inside
which leaves me very lonely
and at times
i really dont want to play anymore
although i accept
more and more
I am so blessed
to be more understanding and compassionate
towards myself
to have some very understanding
humans around me
who overlook my shortcomings
and focus on my strengths
and so when stop in fear
pause
pause longer
I turn towards and continue
keep coming back
saw a rainbow yesterday :)
Just for today
I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.
yet again
a moment of clarity
a realisation that I am powerless
over everything really
yet at the same time
not in a victim like way
walking through
what seems to be a war zone
when everythings comin' atcha
and evertything seems to be changing
and everything is
i must be the centre of the universe!! hehe
head spinning
old behaviours comin at me
old thoughts
new thoughts
new actions
new opportunities
see what the comfortzone
I once knoew disappreared
a few years ago
and I have not felt it since
although I have felt peace and serenity
and perfection at times
I am not sure I have felt in a comfort zone
for a while now
is this a problem?
well I only just write it
and no it dont feel a problem
just an observation really
at times its all very exhausting
and I suppose thats probably self will
trying to controll the uncontrollable
trying willpower on what I am powerless over
change!
everything changes
my job is to fit myself to be of maximum helpfulness p102
whatever happens
I realised aswell in the last 24 hours
I am powerless over my father smoking
and when he dies
no matter what happens to him
nothing can make him stop
not that really I have tried
this recent treatment will cost him money
will that stop him?
maybe only death with stop him
like drinking
smoking is addition/illnes/disease
smoking is a family illness too
I am not sure that he has any idea
how his recent heart attack has affected
his close family and friends
perhaps when he returns to the UK
he will?
usually I say nothing about his smoking
and gave up talking about it years ago
who am I to judge
and his and his significant other's attitude towards it
is simply none of anyones business
continuing to smoke
after his triple bypass a while back
restraint of tongue and pen does not apply here!
its my stream of consciousness
and i'll cry if I want to :)
i noticed my father carried guilt burdens
which he shared when I made amends
he does not have a program
he does not have a God
to ask for forgiveness from
unconditionally
and thats sad
I read this about building our soul today by Paolo Coelho
Four Forces issue 203
First Force: Love
Rabbi Iaakov’s wife was always looking for an excuse to argue with her husband. Iaakov never answered her provocations.
Until one night when, during a dinner with some friends, the rabbi had a ferocious argument with his wife to the surprise of all at table.
“What happened?” they asked. “Why did you break your habit of never answering?”
“Because I realized that what bothered my wife most was the fact that I remained silent. Acting in this way, I remained far from her emotions. My reaction was an act of love, and I managed to make her understand that I heard her words."
which has changed my attitude
that restraint of tongue and pen
minding my own business
and live and let live
is not always the loving thing
this does not mean
ranting, telling, ordering, ultimatums, sulking is
what i see today
is that I need to pray for the words
ask God to give me the words
to say to my Dad
to express how I do not want him to die
and early death
that seeing him smoking really upsets me
seeing my mum in the last stages
of lung cancer was a frightening
and the memories of what she physically looked
like I do not think I will ever erase
from my mind
I do not think all this is to be said
agai I am expressing
my stream of consciousness
yet at the same time
As with Rabbi Isaakov
If I stay silent he will not know that
I love him and value him being around
My father said to me
twice in two overseas phone calls
from his intensive care bed
"I love you"
I dont remember
him EVER saying me loves me
I know he does
he just doesnt say it
At the same time
I am accepting that he may continue smoking
no matter what I say
and die very soon
or live for a lot longer
or his arteries could collapse on the plane home
or like my mum
he may pack up smoking and be dead within 6 months!
see am powerless
and accepting
and full of fecking wisdom
sometimes i wonder if
ignorance is really bliss
i'm off to denial
smoking doesnt kill right!?
ok, aside from this
I am enjoying friends
making music
beach
local AA
I started a new group at my church
although
being me
theres a battle going on
inside
which leaves me very lonely
and at times
i really dont want to play anymore
although i accept
more and more
I am so blessed
to be more understanding and compassionate
towards myself
to have some very understanding
humans around me
who overlook my shortcomings
and focus on my strengths
and so when stop in fear
pause
pause longer
I turn towards and continue
keep coming back
saw a rainbow yesterday :)
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Just for today.... Restraint of tongue and pen
Just for Today
Pick one and try and practice it
Just for today
I will exercise my soul in three ways.
I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out;
if anybody knows of it, it will not count.
I will do at least two things I don't want to - just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt;
they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
Just recently
I have been noticing
that I am leaning on approval seeking
with someone at work
and almost pushing boundaries again
like a child
old behaviour
and seeing what reaction I get
and there is none!
so my cunning plan doesnt work
disease
dis-ease in me schemes
my feelings have been hurt
my ambition
my financial security
my personal relations
have all been threatened
or so my self centred fear tells me
So my focus for the 24 hours or so is
just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt;
they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
restraint of tongue and pen and email
Think Think Think
before speaking... ask myself
does it need to be said now?
does it need to be said by me?
Is it helpful to the situation?
it all takes practice
and I need to be reminded to practice it :)
Pick one and try and practice it
Just for today
I will exercise my soul in three ways.
I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out;
if anybody knows of it, it will not count.
I will do at least two things I don't want to - just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt;
they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
Just recently
I have been noticing
that I am leaning on approval seeking
with someone at work
and almost pushing boundaries again
like a child
old behaviour
and seeing what reaction I get
and there is none!
so my cunning plan doesnt work
disease
dis-ease in me schemes
my feelings have been hurt
my ambition
my financial security
my personal relations
have all been threatened
or so my self centred fear tells me
So my focus for the 24 hours or so is
just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt;
they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
restraint of tongue and pen and email
Think Think Think
before speaking... ask myself
does it need to be said now?
does it need to be said by me?
Is it helpful to the situation?
it all takes practice
and I need to be reminded to practice it :)
Saturday, June 27, 2009
To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. p96
Its for people that want it
there are plenty that need it
infact many of us have thought/said
12 steps should be taught at school!
Change is essential for growth
and how we deal with change
everything changes
the seasons
our blood cells
our skin
everything
the moment we choose not to
is the moment
we need begin to need help
is the moment
we turn away
work with newcomers
there are plenty that need it
infact many of us have thought/said
12 steps should be taught at school!
Change is essential for growth
and how we deal with change
everything changes
the seasons
our blood cells
our skin
everything
the moment we choose not to
is the moment
we need begin to need help
is the moment
we turn away
work with newcomers
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Tradition 3 - The only requirement for membership
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Step 11 - Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer. p87
I "was too judgemental
scared and self willed
to really be open minded"
since going through the steps
I have come to believe in a Loving God
who wants the best for me
which really turned things around
however living as a human
living in the world
not in a bubble/meetings/convent/own head
long term
I need more than a Spirit
I need a role model
which is where I let go of old ideas
let go of judgment
let go of self will
became openminded
and no longer afraid
of turning my life over
and my will
becoming part of
showing all of me
standing up
RECOVERY
I have a role model
and I am building a relationship
with Him
apparantly it can last forever
and I will never be let down
so I am giving Him ago
testing Him
Reading praying and in fellowship
having fun, playing guitar
beach antics
BBQs and bacon butties!
at the same time
its new
yet I need something
thats everlasting
and proven to help many
and there is no reason
why He shouldnt work for me aswell
as I am working for Him
where i found Him
bizarrely
on the edge of the world
in an on the edge church
worldwide known for social action
welcomes alkys and addicts
unceremoniously
SERVICE
my kind a Home
my kind of family
my kind of imperfect
loving friends
with a Loving God
as we understand him
Unity
Keep coming back
til it stops working :)
scared and self willed
to really be open minded"
since going through the steps
I have come to believe in a Loving God
who wants the best for me
which really turned things around
however living as a human
living in the world
not in a bubble/meetings/convent/own head
long term
I need more than a Spirit
I need a role model
which is where I let go of old ideas
let go of judgment
let go of self will
became openminded
and no longer afraid
of turning my life over
and my will
becoming part of
showing all of me
standing up
RECOVERY
I have a role model
and I am building a relationship
with Him
apparantly it can last forever
and I will never be let down
so I am giving Him ago
testing Him
Reading praying and in fellowship
having fun, playing guitar
beach antics
BBQs and bacon butties!
at the same time
its new
yet I need something
thats everlasting
and proven to help many
and there is no reason
why He shouldnt work for me aswell
as I am working for Him
where i found Him
bizarrely
on the edge of the world
in an on the edge church
worldwide known for social action
welcomes alkys and addicts
unceremoniously
SERVICE
my kind a Home
my kind of family
my kind of imperfect
loving friends
with a Loving God
as we understand him
Unity
Keep coming back
til it stops working :)
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Step 11 - Grace
Moving away, health
meant a change in lifestyle
letting go of self will
in the guise of
"this is how I always did it
and it worked before, so i just
do it somehwre else and it will work too.."
wrong, this time
it wouldnt work
I have spent the last 6 months
improving my conscious contact
with God as I would like to understand Him
growing a personal relationship
and really was too judgemental
scared and self willed
to really be open minded
I am sober/serene/at peace to whatever degree
and at this point
by the grace of God
not because of my service in AA
in the last 6 months
Letting go absolutely
Its in dying that we are born...
meant a change in lifestyle
letting go of self will
in the guise of
"this is how I always did it
and it worked before, so i just
do it somehwre else and it will work too.."
wrong, this time
it wouldnt work
I have spent the last 6 months
improving my conscious contact
with God as I would like to understand Him
growing a personal relationship
and really was too judgemental
scared and self willed
to really be open minded
I am sober/serene/at peace to whatever degree
and at this point
by the grace of God
not because of my service in AA
in the last 6 months
Letting go absolutely
Its in dying that we are born...
Monday, June 22, 2009
At Risk of Redundancy again!!
3rd time in 9 months
there's a pattern!
Step 3
take inventory
kep mouth shut
and pray!
the outcome is not in my hands
and Gods plan
has not been revealed yet
I have no idea
and its all abit strange
infact its mind blowing!
there's a pattern!
Step 3
take inventory
kep mouth shut
and pray!
the outcome is not in my hands
and Gods plan
has not been revealed yet
I have no idea
and its all abit strange
infact its mind blowing!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
.... must believe-that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. Dr's Opinion
Fear and Love do not live in the same moment
Life and death do not live in the same moment
where there is fear there is no love
where there is love there is no fear
where there is life there is no death
where there is death there is no life
I live each day with thoughts of death
more than one a day
I do
I used to think this was a weakness
not working my programme
mental
suicidal
now I see it as a part of me
I live each day with thoughts of good things to come
more than one a day
I do
natural
living
now I see it as a part of me
I also see that they come and they go
the death negative fear thoughts
they come and they go
and they come again and they go
the more I pray when they come
the less time they hang around
the more change and action and progress i make
the more they come and with them fear
the more prayer and doing Gods will I do
the more progress I make the more fear comes
the more I rely on Gods will
the more progress I make
into unknown territory
out of what my mind knows or even had thought about
beyond zebra... past Zee
out of my comfort zone
any lengths
I wonder at the moment
how long I have to live with these great Powers within
and whether at somepoint one will overcome the other
I really hope Love will conquer all
At times its exhausting
At times I really am sick of this
At times I just want to take a pill and zone out
Though really I dont!
Being chronically self centred
I am fascinated by the way I am
and what I am becoming
I am more accepting of who I am
than I have ever been
and more willing to work with god
to become what he wants
because 99% of the time thesedays I KNOW its gonna be good
And I am having a really good time
them thoughts no longer hold me back
take away my humour, humanness
though they damn well try!!
Although what I am experiencing is
its not what I do that makes it go away
its the prayer
its the acceptance
its the turning towards
its accepting Love is the answer
in those Mind Games
This is who I am
In your hands God
to do with me as thou wilt
show me my part
and give me the power
to carry it out!
Anylengths
what? where did YOU come from?
Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be.
Its on Page 79
Lots a love
God
Life and death do not live in the same moment
where there is fear there is no love
where there is love there is no fear
where there is life there is no death
where there is death there is no life
I live each day with thoughts of death
more than one a day
I do
I used to think this was a weakness
not working my programme
mental
suicidal
now I see it as a part of me
I live each day with thoughts of good things to come
more than one a day
I do
natural
living
now I see it as a part of me
I also see that they come and they go
the death negative fear thoughts
they come and they go
and they come again and they go
the more I pray when they come
the less time they hang around
the more change and action and progress i make
the more they come and with them fear
the more prayer and doing Gods will I do
the more progress I make the more fear comes
the more I rely on Gods will
the more progress I make
into unknown territory
out of what my mind knows or even had thought about
beyond zebra... past Zee
out of my comfort zone
any lengths
I wonder at the moment
how long I have to live with these great Powers within
and whether at somepoint one will overcome the other
I really hope Love will conquer all
At times its exhausting
At times I really am sick of this
At times I just want to take a pill and zone out
Though really I dont!
Being chronically self centred
I am fascinated by the way I am
and what I am becoming
I am more accepting of who I am
than I have ever been
and more willing to work with god
to become what he wants
because 99% of the time thesedays I KNOW its gonna be good
And I am having a really good time
them thoughts no longer hold me back
take away my humour, humanness
though they damn well try!!
Although what I am experiencing is
its not what I do that makes it go away
its the prayer
its the acceptance
its the turning towards
its accepting Love is the answer
in those Mind Games
This is who I am
In your hands God
to do with me as thou wilt
show me my part
and give me the power
to carry it out!
Anylengths
what? where did YOU come from?
Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be.
Its on Page 79
Lots a love
God
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Its true
Asked sponsor for help
she knows and I know
This programme works
she wouldnt tell me!
she knows I know!
I know
how do I know
because I have tried over and over
and the transformation in me
is enough evidence
yet
i doubt!
so when I dont get what I want
from a human I trust
I know its time to pray
and trust God who gives me everything I want
and a glimpse into consequences and all
just before I make choices
inventory regularly
is one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given
as is prayer
and the willingness to get honest
to self another and God
regardless
pray
take inventory
pray
help newcomers
anylengths
stop self obsession
turn attention to usefulness
ask God to help you if you cant
get out of your head
it took some drastic action
and felt like ripping elastoplast off my whole body
but I feel a sense of freedom from
the bondage of self
Take inventory
pray for the people on it THEY ARE SICK TOO (like me)
pray for the defects to be removed
ask for forgiveness
ask what corrective measures need to be made
pray for the power to carry it out
and go to any lengths
it will stop the scheming
it will stop the self obsession
it will move you into becoming
something unrecognisable at times
but very much better than you were!
you will be amazed before you are half way through
the week
I am
Grateful
I want that complete trust
that restraint
i have to be willing to trust aswell
or it dont work
i am
no steps no change no sober (old timer stuart)
no change no peace
no stillness no peace
no god no peace
know god know peace (someonelses words)
she knows and I know
This programme works
she wouldnt tell me!
she knows I know!
I know
how do I know
because I have tried over and over
and the transformation in me
is enough evidence
yet
i doubt!
so when I dont get what I want
from a human I trust
I know its time to pray
and trust God who gives me everything I want
and a glimpse into consequences and all
just before I make choices
inventory regularly
is one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given
as is prayer
and the willingness to get honest
to self another and God
regardless
pray
take inventory
pray
help newcomers
anylengths
stop self obsession
turn attention to usefulness
ask God to help you if you cant
get out of your head
it took some drastic action
and felt like ripping elastoplast off my whole body
but I feel a sense of freedom from
the bondage of self
Take inventory
pray for the people on it THEY ARE SICK TOO (like me)
pray for the defects to be removed
ask for forgiveness
ask what corrective measures need to be made
pray for the power to carry it out
and go to any lengths
it will stop the scheming
it will stop the self obsession
it will move you into becoming
something unrecognisable at times
but very much better than you were!
you will be amazed before you are half way through
the week
I am
Grateful
I want that complete trust
that restraint
i have to be willing to trust aswell
or it dont work
i am
no steps no change no sober (old timer stuart)
no change no peace
no stillness no peace
no god no peace
know god know peace (someonelses words)
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Hand in Hand with Fear and Pride
Aswell as getting on with it
I have been very absorbed in my own thoughts
about my self obviously
and many others
so much so that time ticks by
I am doing things productive
but not really doing them
my auto pilot did them
do I didnt really take part fully!
Out of my comfort zone at work
learning lots of new stuff
taking my feet off the ground
and the stabilisers off
is abit scary to say the least
I want to keep running back
to comfort
even though the comfort zone
doesnt really exist anymore
because its all changed
there is no going back..
it makes sense to me anyway
yet I have faith
I need to pray for my defects to be removed
why? not just because its in the steps
but because I know it works
fear and pride
I am struggling to accept that I dont know
how to do all this new stuff NOW
and its been a few weeks
so I HSOULD know it all??? wrong!
the new stuff keeps coming and coming
so yet still this fear and pride
keeps coming and coming!! its true
sitting in conscious incompetent
and exactly how its meant to be..
step 10's
I have been very absorbed in my own thoughts
about my self obviously
and many others
so much so that time ticks by
I am doing things productive
but not really doing them
my auto pilot did them
do I didnt really take part fully!
Out of my comfort zone at work
learning lots of new stuff
taking my feet off the ground
and the stabilisers off
is abit scary to say the least
I want to keep running back
to comfort
even though the comfort zone
doesnt really exist anymore
because its all changed
there is no going back..
it makes sense to me anyway
yet I have faith
I need to pray for my defects to be removed
why? not just because its in the steps
but because I know it works
fear and pride
I am struggling to accept that I dont know
how to do all this new stuff NOW
and its been a few weeks
so I HSOULD know it all??? wrong!
the new stuff keeps coming and coming
so yet still this fear and pride
keeps coming and coming!! its true
sitting in conscious incompetent
and exactly how its meant to be..
step 10's
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Final 2008 performance review at work
Highly effective
including a hiccup...
took action to resolve them
overall result...
highly effective
maintained ALL year!!
Programme works!
5 years ago...
i was on a manage me out
programme for poor performance..
In Gods time
with Gods help
practicing the principles
good sponsorship
prayer
and willingness
acceptance
courage
wisdom
including a hiccup...
took action to resolve them
overall result...
highly effective
maintained ALL year!!
Programme works!
5 years ago...
i was on a manage me out
programme for poor performance..
In Gods time
with Gods help
practicing the principles
good sponsorship
prayer
and willingness
acceptance
courage
wisdom
Monday, February 02, 2009
At times I have no idea how to behave
and today was one of them...
living where I am living out of town
I am really feeling the season
and how long it goes on for
and its twists and suprises
and joys and scares
today was too trecherous to cycle
a neighbour gave me a lift to the station
early train got me to work early...
dilemma came
when only two of us arrived...
why am i here?
because I work here...
i travelled the furthest..
well actually the train brought me here
I didnt actually walk it!
snow fell faster
trains started being cancelled
and I didnt know when to leave
I have no idea...
most people didnt even turn up
yet I have a problem leaving
rather than being stranded
to scared to be stranded at work
to scared to leave work
rather strange! but thats how it was
its a first...
first time I have left work early
because of weather
I took some work home
see whilst others snowballed
I couldnt! and didnt
through choice and ignorance
ignorance of whats appropriate
see am used to going to any lengths
turn up at the station until they tell you
the trains arent running
stay at work til they tell you to go home
even at the station going home
they said they are not shutting the stations
yet the snow fell more and more
when he said some trains were breaking down
thats when I stepped on the train...
and tonight went and asked the same neighbour
for a lift tomorrow to station
that was hard...
came home
did some work
just took inventory
I am afraid of this
new situation I have experienced
and afraid of how I reacted/behaved
and what people will think of me
restless, irritable and discontented
because my routine and comfort zone has been
altered by snow
and forced me to go beyond zee
see God picked up the chalk and drew one letter more
pride, self will, self centredness
self centred fear
please remove all my defects of character
and grant me acceptance, courage and wisdom
love and tolerence towards self and others
powerless
and grateful
living where I am living out of town
I am really feeling the season
and how long it goes on for
and its twists and suprises
and joys and scares
today was too trecherous to cycle
a neighbour gave me a lift to the station
early train got me to work early...
dilemma came
when only two of us arrived...
why am i here?
because I work here...
i travelled the furthest..
well actually the train brought me here
I didnt actually walk it!
snow fell faster
trains started being cancelled
and I didnt know when to leave
I have no idea...
most people didnt even turn up
yet I have a problem leaving
rather than being stranded
to scared to be stranded at work
to scared to leave work
rather strange! but thats how it was
its a first...
first time I have left work early
because of weather
I took some work home
see whilst others snowballed
I couldnt! and didnt
through choice and ignorance
ignorance of whats appropriate
see am used to going to any lengths
turn up at the station until they tell you
the trains arent running
stay at work til they tell you to go home
even at the station going home
they said they are not shutting the stations
yet the snow fell more and more
when he said some trains were breaking down
thats when I stepped on the train...
and tonight went and asked the same neighbour
for a lift tomorrow to station
that was hard...
came home
did some work
just took inventory
I am afraid of this
new situation I have experienced
and afraid of how I reacted/behaved
and what people will think of me
restless, irritable and discontented
because my routine and comfort zone has been
altered by snow
and forced me to go beyond zee
see God picked up the chalk and drew one letter more
pride, self will, self centredness
self centred fear
please remove all my defects of character
and grant me acceptance, courage and wisdom
love and tolerence towards self and others
powerless
and grateful
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
well I am just holding back feeling sorry for myself
and I realised I have PMT
so I am forgiven!
RAAR!
and i'm NOT going to inflict you
with fake self pity
brought on by hornmones
a freudian slip i am going to leave in! :)
restraint of tonge and groove
not shouting my head off
wanting to cry
I am tired
restless
discontented
oh yeh i wrote a cheque for a
rather large sum
so I am no longer as richer fool as I was
yet my greed is still clinging on I can feel it
I have had workmen in my house
last 2 days
found another fault
and another created itself!?
all fixable another time
but I HAVE HEAT right now... late evening
not just up until mid morning!
Exam yesterday... glad we have resits
essay to finish
work tomorrow
away 2 evenings conference starting tomorrow night!
and I have to dress up
this is where you grin!
this is where i have to show myself
the just for today card in my face!
and REALLY dress becomingly for work
for one evening a year!
I know it will be good fun
but this is the bit I have to force myself
once its on and i'm there
i'll be fine! infact i'll have a "ball"!
experience tells me so
so shaddup head!
or i'll grow my mullet hair back
like the sax player
on here!!
I forgot I had a label for PMT
should use it more
it will probably be very well used!
see ya!
so I am forgiven!
RAAR!
and i'm NOT going to inflict you
with fake self pity
brought on by hornmones
a freudian slip i am going to leave in! :)
restraint of tonge and groove
not shouting my head off
wanting to cry
I am tired
restless
discontented
oh yeh i wrote a cheque for a
rather large sum
so I am no longer as richer fool as I was
yet my greed is still clinging on I can feel it
I have had workmen in my house
last 2 days
found another fault
and another created itself!?
all fixable another time
but I HAVE HEAT right now... late evening
not just up until mid morning!
Exam yesterday... glad we have resits
essay to finish
work tomorrow
away 2 evenings conference starting tomorrow night!
and I have to dress up
this is where you grin!
this is where i have to show myself
the just for today card in my face!
and REALLY dress becomingly for work
for one evening a year!
I know it will be good fun
but this is the bit I have to force myself
once its on and i'm there
i'll be fine! infact i'll have a "ball"!
experience tells me so
so shaddup head!
or i'll grow my mullet hair back
like the sax player
on here!!
I forgot I had a label for PMT
should use it more
it will probably be very well used!
see ya!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
There's more going on than my eye can see...
Tried a new meeting
locally
it was freezing
I went to find the venue
was 90 minutes early
no where to have a coffee
went back towards the town
and had that ...
"well i could just go home now
its freezing fog
no-one would know
it wouldnt matter
can go another week" feeling
and then I remembered my primary purpose
for going to a meeting
not that I think I am God
but Tradition 5 and Step 12... reasons to not go home!
its not about me...
but in return... I get karma points right :)
for some reason!
I went and had a coffee
read a newspaper
and went back to meeting...
and met the secretary
who i find out
lives close by me than
you can imagine!
I could throw a ball in their garden
from my garden!
yeh I am pretty good at throwing
but still
neither of us know anyone else
in the vicinity
thats in the fellowship
God! your hand is at work
your plan is unfolding
and your incidences
are simply
delightful
I got a lift home
and a loan of a heater!
I have been reading scriptures lately
and listening to more
talks by Menlo Park ministers
John Ortbergs colleagues
and one just blew me away
I have listening to it over and over
again!
On Beyond Zebra Kim Englemann
based upon the beginning of the book
On Beyond Zebra by Dr Seuss
i'll post more on its significance
when I can put it into words
what I can say is that
I only listened to John Ortberg
I have loved this man for around 3 years now
his tone, his humour and love for us and God
and I thought no-one else could match
and then I listened to Kim Engleman
her voice, tone I dont really like
but her humour and love and care for people and God
I love the message
I have listened to this mp3 over and over
why? I love it! I want to go beyond Zee!
I know there is more and I am doing it
in it right now
letting go of perfection
engaging with pride and having to let go of it
more and more
show and accept my imperfect self
my sloth and its consequences
my lust and its consequences
my self will and its consequences
my greed and its consequences
my love for God and its consequences
my willingness to change and be changed and its consequences
my courage to accept all its consequences
Good and bad!! see
This journey I am having
getting to know this Jesus man
and God is getting more and more interesting
Luke 12:16-21
I have no idea when my expiry date is
whether I will be made redundant
and whether anything else bad is going to happen
so I have to trust and have more faith
monday and tuesday
my heating is getting an overhaul!
otherwise I could die a "rich" cold fool!!
off to do more study
tomorrow I become a member of the church
locally I have been going to
making friends
Am I a Christian yet?
I dont flippin' know!
no one seems to care!!!!!!!!!!!
they just say keep coming back! and read Luke...
so I am :)
Grateful for the little things
I have no control over
for now life is good
and for my facebook buddies
Poke!
Especially grateful
that once again its proven
that Gods alphabet starts
where my alphabet ends!!
Faith is the most important
feature in my life
its constant
heat or no heat
alone or with
rich or poor
joyful or sad
faith is there
locally
it was freezing
I went to find the venue
was 90 minutes early
no where to have a coffee
went back towards the town
and had that ...
"well i could just go home now
its freezing fog
no-one would know
it wouldnt matter
can go another week" feeling
and then I remembered my primary purpose
for going to a meeting
not that I think I am God
but Tradition 5 and Step 12... reasons to not go home!
its not about me...
but in return... I get karma points right :)
for some reason!
I went and had a coffee
read a newspaper
and went back to meeting...
and met the secretary
who i find out
lives close by me than
you can imagine!
I could throw a ball in their garden
from my garden!
yeh I am pretty good at throwing
but still
neither of us know anyone else
in the vicinity
thats in the fellowship
God! your hand is at work
your plan is unfolding
and your incidences
are simply
delightful
I got a lift home
and a loan of a heater!
I have been reading scriptures lately
and listening to more
talks by Menlo Park ministers
John Ortbergs colleagues
and one just blew me away
I have listening to it over and over
again!
On Beyond Zebra Kim Englemann
based upon the beginning of the book
On Beyond Zebra by Dr Seuss
i'll post more on its significance
when I can put it into words
what I can say is that
I only listened to John Ortberg
I have loved this man for around 3 years now
his tone, his humour and love for us and God
and I thought no-one else could match
and then I listened to Kim Engleman
her voice, tone I dont really like
but her humour and love and care for people and God
I love the message
I have listened to this mp3 over and over
why? I love it! I want to go beyond Zee!
I know there is more and I am doing it
in it right now
letting go of perfection
engaging with pride and having to let go of it
more and more
show and accept my imperfect self
my sloth and its consequences
my lust and its consequences
my self will and its consequences
my greed and its consequences
my love for God and its consequences
my willingness to change and be changed and its consequences
my courage to accept all its consequences
Good and bad!! see
This journey I am having
getting to know this Jesus man
and God is getting more and more interesting
Luke 12:16-21
I have no idea when my expiry date is
whether I will be made redundant
and whether anything else bad is going to happen
so I have to trust and have more faith
monday and tuesday
my heating is getting an overhaul!
otherwise I could die a "rich" cold fool!!
off to do more study
tomorrow I become a member of the church
locally I have been going to
making friends
Am I a Christian yet?
I dont flippin' know!
no one seems to care!!!!!!!!!!!
they just say keep coming back! and read Luke...
so I am :)
Grateful for the little things
I have no control over
for now life is good
and for my facebook buddies
Poke!
Especially grateful
that once again its proven
that Gods alphabet starts
where my alphabet ends!!
Faith is the most important
feature in my life
its constant
heat or no heat
alone or with
rich or poor
joyful or sad
faith is there
Friday, January 09, 2009
Happy Birthday - Elvis Presley - Gods chief choirboy
a little less conversation
a little more action
tools of the recovery
studying at last!!!!!!!
after spending
many days
flying round
and other distractions
managing to burn myself
on hot water
NOT PAYING ATTENTION!
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Get honest with God (as you understand God)
He always listens
always forgives
pray honestly
ask for anything you want in a childlike way
and God will give you what you need
in a Parental way
Talk to Him like no other
because He is like no other
Pray, talk, whisper,
mumble, yell
outloud, in silence
in a crowd, alone
on a beach, in the city
Do it often
like someone you want a relationship with
build it, grow it
learn to listen
and listen to learn
you will get to know
how God communicates with you
he really does
that voice
hear that voice again
you will recognise it
it will come often
and sometimes seemingly random
Heaven stands still
everytime you pray
God allows us to have what we want
if we really want it
and he also allows us the consequences
comfortable and uncomfortable
he has a plan, a good plan
I have everything I need already
I am tired
my motives have changed
my dream became reality
and I saw what the future holds
by following that dream
and I dont like what I see
greed and fear
in a "world" I dont understand
speaking a language I dont grasp
involving thinking I do too much of
longer hours enclosed
wearing clothes I feel uncomfortable in
I feel a door is closing
I feel like I am closing a door
willingly with love
letting go
And Acceptance is the answer... P417
Do I want to be right or happy?
Happy!
I'm off, more prayers on the beach
with the Great Ocean
Happy, joyful, funfilled healthy new year!
May you feel real love in the home
that you live in
channel ALL that life you have
running through your veins
into becoming usefully whole
always forgives
pray honestly
ask for anything you want in a childlike way
and God will give you what you need
in a Parental way
Talk to Him like no other
because He is like no other
Pray, talk, whisper,
mumble, yell
outloud, in silence
in a crowd, alone
on a beach, in the city
Do it often
like someone you want a relationship with
build it, grow it
learn to listen
and listen to learn
you will get to know
how God communicates with you
he really does
that voice
hear that voice again
you will recognise it
it will come often
and sometimes seemingly random
Heaven stands still
everytime you pray
God allows us to have what we want
if we really want it
and he also allows us the consequences
comfortable and uncomfortable
he has a plan, a good plan
I have everything I need already
I am tired
my motives have changed
my dream became reality
and I saw what the future holds
by following that dream
and I dont like what I see
greed and fear
in a "world" I dont understand
speaking a language I dont grasp
involving thinking I do too much of
longer hours enclosed
wearing clothes I feel uncomfortable in
I feel a door is closing
I feel like I am closing a door
willingly with love
letting go
And Acceptance is the answer... P417
Do I want to be right or happy?
Happy!
I'm off, more prayers on the beach
with the Great Ocean
Happy, joyful, funfilled healthy new year!
May you feel real love in the home
that you live in
channel ALL that life you have
running through your veins
into becoming usefully whole
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Action
have fun
get honest
pray
grow
trust God
help others
clean house
find gratitude
pass it on
have fun
get honest
pray
grow
trust God
help others
clean house
find gratitude
pass it on
get honest
pray
grow
trust God
help others
clean house
find gratitude
pass it on
have fun
get honest
pray
grow
trust God
help others
clean house
find gratitude
pass it on
Monday, December 22, 2008
Light of the world you stepped down into darkness
God
You're altogether wonderful to me
Light of the world - Tim Hughes
You stepped down into darkness
Opened my eyes, let me see
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You
Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me
King of all days
Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in Heaven above
Humbly You came to the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor
I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
I loved this song since I heard
it on Alpha nearly 3 years ago
it touched me
that God has been nothing but lovely
wonderful to me in the last 3 years
since I turned towards Him
and made considerable efforts to
be obedient
disciplined
pray and do Gods will
no matter what
this year has been a challenge
I have had some amazing things
to do
and I have tried to follow
the calling
where my prayers have led me
Time to find some gratitude
at last...
I am grateful for
being sober for all this time
being healthy
eyesight
hearing
touch
sense of smell
that God is a living part of my life
that I am a living part in Gods life
the sunrises
the sea
family
friends
fellows
colleagues
this house
having been given a local community
being by the sea
being in the country
being able to walk
my bike
meetings
love
laughter
tears of joy
candles
christmas lights
children
song
music
the stars
heating
water hot and cold
technology
trains
willingness
a good heart
gratitude lists to help me get over myself
You're altogether wonderful to me
Light of the world - Tim Hughes
You stepped down into darkness
Opened my eyes, let me see
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You
Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me
King of all days
Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in Heaven above
Humbly You came to the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor
I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
I loved this song since I heard
it on Alpha nearly 3 years ago
it touched me
that God has been nothing but lovely
wonderful to me in the last 3 years
since I turned towards Him
and made considerable efforts to
be obedient
disciplined
pray and do Gods will
no matter what
this year has been a challenge
I have had some amazing things
to do
and I have tried to follow
the calling
where my prayers have led me
Time to find some gratitude
at last...
I am grateful for
being sober for all this time
being healthy
eyesight
hearing
touch
sense of smell
that God is a living part of my life
that I am a living part in Gods life
the sunrises
the sea
family
friends
fellows
colleagues
this house
having been given a local community
being by the sea
being in the country
being able to walk
my bike
meetings
love
laughter
tears of joy
candles
christmas lights
children
song
music
the stars
heating
water hot and cold
technology
trains
willingness
a good heart
gratitude lists to help me get over myself
Sunday, December 21, 2008
and i went to a carol service
spent time in home group
got honest with a human (sponsor) and God
knowing there is more I need to say
Sick as your secrets
and resentments ARE the number 1 offender
fear being the corroding thread...
Dont worry seems to be the 2 words
I most need to hear at the moment
as they are being said over and over
I must look and appear worried
I am fearful
its the same!
I went to a meeting last night
then across the road to a AA function
live band
noisy, too noisy for me
am i really quieter all over
is this how its going to be?
a random woman stoppped and asked me
if i had read the power of now
and said she would ring me later meaning after 10.30pm!
I said no...I'd rather she didnt
is she crazy or am i
went to a carol service today
it was so lovely
the church I am considering joining
makes mistakes
the song sheets are in the wrong order
the minister gets his words wrong
stuff is spelled wrong
but you know
I love it
and it loves me!
children singing
and the nativity... little shepherds!
and angels
soooo cute!
and different bands and musicians
i like it
its real, imperfect and lovely
i think I could grow old with this fellowship
I asked a really old lady how long
she had been coming, she said since she was born
thats a really long time!
every night they used to come and do things
a long time ago
I wish it could be like that now
I was saying to my sponsor
that nothing seems to make any sense
and all material seems purposeless at the minute
all I want to do is go to church
and learn about God
yes go to work
but not study
just do simple stuff
i dont know whats going on
I left her yesterday
strengthened by her belief
its like everythings going round me
at a million miles an hour
and I am standing in the middle
nothings touching me
skimming the surface
nothing has any depth
and I have no will to try
i just want stillness
and to learn about my creator
that I want
is this a distraction a short term thing
will this fulfill
will God fill the God shaped hole?
I stood outside last night
and looked at all the stars
I enjoyed the sunshine today
I like the freshness and the warmth
I loved the love in the carol service
yet... afterwards I felt apart
How long will
Johno
Be still and know that I am God
what?
Be still and dont worry...
and then 2 - 12 steps calls came through...
from the phone office
there are suffering alkies out there
drinking & dying
Time to let go absolutely
Have a safe and funfilled Christmas and 2009!
got honest with a human (sponsor) and God
knowing there is more I need to say
Sick as your secrets
and resentments ARE the number 1 offender
fear being the corroding thread...
Dont worry seems to be the 2 words
I most need to hear at the moment
as they are being said over and over
I must look and appear worried
I am fearful
its the same!
I went to a meeting last night
then across the road to a AA function
live band
noisy, too noisy for me
am i really quieter all over
is this how its going to be?
a random woman stoppped and asked me
if i had read the power of now
and said she would ring me later meaning after 10.30pm!
I said no...I'd rather she didnt
is she crazy or am i
went to a carol service today
it was so lovely
the church I am considering joining
makes mistakes
the song sheets are in the wrong order
the minister gets his words wrong
stuff is spelled wrong
but you know
I love it
and it loves me!
children singing
and the nativity... little shepherds!
and angels
soooo cute!
and different bands and musicians
i like it
its real, imperfect and lovely
i think I could grow old with this fellowship
I asked a really old lady how long
she had been coming, she said since she was born
thats a really long time!
every night they used to come and do things
a long time ago
I wish it could be like that now
I was saying to my sponsor
that nothing seems to make any sense
and all material seems purposeless at the minute
all I want to do is go to church
and learn about God
yes go to work
but not study
just do simple stuff
i dont know whats going on
I left her yesterday
strengthened by her belief
its like everythings going round me
at a million miles an hour
and I am standing in the middle
nothings touching me
skimming the surface
nothing has any depth
and I have no will to try
i just want stillness
and to learn about my creator
that I want
is this a distraction a short term thing
will this fulfill
will God fill the God shaped hole?
I stood outside last night
and looked at all the stars
I enjoyed the sunshine today
I like the freshness and the warmth
I loved the love in the carol service
yet... afterwards I felt apart
How long will
Johno
Be still and know that I am God
what?
Be still and dont worry...
and then 2 - 12 steps calls came through...
from the phone office
there are suffering alkies out there
drinking & dying
Time to let go absolutely
Have a safe and funfilled Christmas and 2009!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
We had our Christmas Party tonight at work
I have NEVER seen so much FREE
beer, wine all kinds of booze
lying around in BUCKETS of ice
its true... NEVER!
arrived at 6
was ready to go by 6.30 haha
yeh its true the alcohol hadnt started working on THEM
they were still talking work
its dark, everyones tall
and no-one really knows whats going on
except that they know there is free booze
and its everywhere
I went out for some air and called an AA friend
who incidently is now pregnant with her AA husband
and it is Gods will they have children IVF finally worked!
Bless you!
Went back in, humour was appearing
talkied with a few people
caught up with some more
very small talk with others
went nuts with some more
playing chinese whispers
had a laugh or three
and went out for some more air
this time I prayed
it was around 8.15 time to go...
yeh its early, the fun people
were now drunk and the drunker people
mumbling
the rest were discussing managment politics
and small talking their way through
after a mad photo, gawd knows what its gonna be
and a hundred I love you's and kisses
and sad farewells to some thats leaving
I departed the building
Its time when there are approx 30 ice cold beers
and 15ish bottles of wine
scattered that I get jealous
why do I get jealous?
Because I cant drink like normal drinkers
I also accept it and know
especially at the moment
my sobriety is much more imprtant
than the 10 free shots I was offered...
So I am now home
wondering what it would have been like to be drunk
would it have been different this time
and knowing at the same time
the answer is
NOPE!
and listening to the question
am I sure?
YES!
Are you?
MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new onesP31
Once an alcoholic
always an alcoholic
And Acceptance is the answer... P417/418
beer, wine all kinds of booze
lying around in BUCKETS of ice
its true... NEVER!
arrived at 6
was ready to go by 6.30 haha
yeh its true the alcohol hadnt started working on THEM
they were still talking work
its dark, everyones tall
and no-one really knows whats going on
except that they know there is free booze
and its everywhere
I went out for some air and called an AA friend
who incidently is now pregnant with her AA husband
and it is Gods will they have children IVF finally worked!
Bless you!
Went back in, humour was appearing
talkied with a few people
caught up with some more
very small talk with others
went nuts with some more
playing chinese whispers
had a laugh or three
and went out for some more air
this time I prayed
it was around 8.15 time to go...
yeh its early, the fun people
were now drunk and the drunker people
mumbling
the rest were discussing managment politics
and small talking their way through
after a mad photo, gawd knows what its gonna be
and a hundred I love you's and kisses
and sad farewells to some thats leaving
I departed the building
Its time when there are approx 30 ice cold beers
and 15ish bottles of wine
scattered that I get jealous
why do I get jealous?
Because I cant drink like normal drinkers
I also accept it and know
especially at the moment
my sobriety is much more imprtant
than the 10 free shots I was offered...
So I am now home
wondering what it would have been like to be drunk
would it have been different this time
and knowing at the same time
the answer is
NOPE!
and listening to the question
am I sure?
YES!
Are you?
MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new onesP31
Once an alcoholic
always an alcoholic
And Acceptance is the answer... P417/418
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
So I took inventory
and I am officially
self willed
self seeking
grossly self centred
manipulatve
and self pitying
oh yeh and have pride
self righteous
arrogant
judgemental
the lazy one wotsit called?
lustful
impatient
running the show
and have fear
however I dont agree
with the truth
it must be something else..
it must be because
I dont have enough money? nope
I dont have a luvver? nope
I am a wuman? nope
the credit cruuunch? nope
I moved house, must be that one? nope
I am a mild mannered janitor? nope
Is it because I am an uptight mental detective?
cooouuuld be...
chickychahchickychahchicklchakchakchakchakkyabowbowwow
henriffic!
i'm off to dust some skirting boards
self willed
self seeking
grossly self centred
manipulatve
and self pitying
oh yeh and have pride
self righteous
arrogant
judgemental
the lazy one wotsit called?
lustful
impatient
running the show
and have fear
however I dont agree
with the truth
it must be something else..
it must be because
I dont have enough money? nope
I dont have a luvver? nope
I am a wuman? nope
the credit cruuunch? nope
I moved house, must be that one? nope
I am a mild mannered janitor? nope
Is it because I am an uptight mental detective?
cooouuuld be...
chickychahchickychahchicklchakchakchakchakkyabowbowwow
henriffic!
i'm off to dust some skirting boards
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
yet wishing it were different
I want to study
yet I feel completely empty
of all willingness in this area
it feels like
self will sabotage
yet at the same time
complete exhaustion
i am enjoying
comeing home from work
and cooking
bike riding
watching tv
phoning friends
going to meetings
going to church
making friends non AA locally
reading
step 11
anything but NOT studying
I pick the book up and resent it ALL
Bill once said something like
dont worry if you cant pray
keep the willingness and at somepoint
it will begin again
I havent the willingness to study
I am resentful or work and study
and the fact the each impacts on the other
and I am in the middle
yet natural default is to just work
there is a fine line between
anylengths and self will run riot!
yet how long will not studying be enough?
will the wonder of the degree return
what I originally wanted to do
has changed
I have seen it it for what it is
and I dont want it
but there are other avenues
at the moment
I feel very closed minded
yet at the same time frustrated because
I am like this
I want to be open minded
I think I am sulking
self will run riot yet I dont really think so!
perhaps I need to fail this semester
to FEEL what I really want to do!?
imagine what it would like to be without...
ok no more analysis paralysis
ok, off to eat, write some more cards
and take a much needed inventory
ask for some desires to be removed
yet I feel completely empty
of all willingness in this area
it feels like
self will sabotage
yet at the same time
complete exhaustion
i am enjoying
comeing home from work
and cooking
bike riding
watching tv
phoning friends
going to meetings
going to church
making friends non AA locally
reading
step 11
anything but NOT studying
I pick the book up and resent it ALL
Bill once said something like
dont worry if you cant pray
keep the willingness and at somepoint
it will begin again
I havent the willingness to study
I am resentful or work and study
and the fact the each impacts on the other
and I am in the middle
yet natural default is to just work
there is a fine line between
anylengths and self will run riot!
yet how long will not studying be enough?
will the wonder of the degree return
what I originally wanted to do
has changed
I have seen it it for what it is
and I dont want it
but there are other avenues
at the moment
I feel very closed minded
yet at the same time frustrated because
I am like this
I want to be open minded
I think I am sulking
self will run riot yet I dont really think so!
perhaps I need to fail this semester
to FEEL what I really want to do!?
imagine what it would like to be without...
ok no more analysis paralysis
ok, off to eat, write some more cards
and take a much needed inventory
ask for some desires to be removed
Monday, December 15, 2008
ordinary living
not sure
where I am at
So I am not saying very much at the moment
just doing the actions
in all areas
not really thinking
much
back to prayer
and learning who God is!
and how he lived and died
part of me is feeling peaceful
and part of me is standing with the challenge
faith is huge
I know that I can make it (with You)
though theyre doing me wrong
something inside is strong
and prayer is keeping me strong inside
keeping the light shining brightly
though it flickers and almost snuffs out (it feels)
even when though outside seems hard and emotionless
yet really it is burning steadily
even when I dont think it is
something inside so strong
IT IS
is this for real? yes
in whose name?
faith and prayer
allows me to do things with dignity
i have no idea why I am being asked
to do these things
gonna do it anyway
where I am at
So I am not saying very much at the moment
just doing the actions
in all areas
not really thinking
much
back to prayer
and learning who God is!
and how he lived and died
part of me is feeling peaceful
and part of me is standing with the challenge
faith is huge
I know that I can make it (with You)
though theyre doing me wrong
something inside is strong
and prayer is keeping me strong inside
keeping the light shining brightly
though it flickers and almost snuffs out (it feels)
even when though outside seems hard and emotionless
yet really it is burning steadily
even when I dont think it is
something inside so strong
IT IS
is this for real? yes
in whose name?
faith and prayer
allows me to do things with dignity
i have no idea why I am being asked
to do these things
gonna do it anyway
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Home is where the heart is
and I am powerless
usually I know except today
I am not sure of the difference between
surrendering
giving up
letting go
avoiding
procrastinating
unwillingness
perhaps they are all the same
depending on the motives
motives usually makes all the difference
praying
reading & meditation
improving conscious contact
The answers will come
usually I know except today
I am not sure of the difference between
surrendering
giving up
letting go
avoiding
procrastinating
unwillingness
perhaps they are all the same
depending on the motives
motives usually makes all the difference
praying
reading & meditation
improving conscious contact
The answers will come
Sunday, December 07, 2008
this weekend
I went to two meetings
did a chair
took some numbers
went a huge bus ride with my bike
to get it fixed and learn abit about
bike mainetenance
then biked back home... a long way
for me anyway
an enlightening journey
that what i figured was a long way away
isnt really
also found
lots of shops and other places
I will need over the next 5 years or so
See I am thinking long term
I will be here long term
so eyeballing everything
taking it all into the library
and will call upon as and when required
Got hints and tips on certain jobs around the house
and got the equipment
if it doesnt work this time
I will call in an expert
and her guess what
i fixed it this morning!
a relief in so many ways
and a boost that I not have the right tools
for a job which may come up again
and I can lend others
its not something that happens often
so the tools will sit
Rome was not built in a day
and I keep reminding myself
that I dont have to buy this
or do that right now
there is plenty of time
needs not wants
yet this house seems to have
one thing after the other
I am not sure how the previous owners
lived like this before!
its bizarre!
Today on the way to church
I saw a robin for the first time
in years in just by the path
On the way home a fox and I stood watching
each other for ages
then he turned away
I walked further and he lay
washing himself in the sunlight
its clear blue sky
and sunlight is golden
the paths are very frosts
and slippy in places
though crisp and even!
and the field behind me is no longer
soil, it has a green covering on it
which is white in the morning
I ate lunch at church
in fellowship
Today I feel at peace
did a chair
took some numbers
went a huge bus ride with my bike
to get it fixed and learn abit about
bike mainetenance
then biked back home... a long way
for me anyway
an enlightening journey
that what i figured was a long way away
isnt really
also found
lots of shops and other places
I will need over the next 5 years or so
See I am thinking long term
I will be here long term
so eyeballing everything
taking it all into the library
and will call upon as and when required
Got hints and tips on certain jobs around the house
and got the equipment
if it doesnt work this time
I will call in an expert
and her guess what
i fixed it this morning!
a relief in so many ways
and a boost that I not have the right tools
for a job which may come up again
and I can lend others
its not something that happens often
so the tools will sit
Rome was not built in a day
and I keep reminding myself
that I dont have to buy this
or do that right now
there is plenty of time
needs not wants
yet this house seems to have
one thing after the other
I am not sure how the previous owners
lived like this before!
its bizarre!
Today on the way to church
I saw a robin for the first time
in years in just by the path
On the way home a fox and I stood watching
each other for ages
then he turned away
I walked further and he lay
washing himself in the sunlight
its clear blue sky
and sunlight is golden
the paths are very frosts
and slippy in places
though crisp and even!
and the field behind me is no longer
soil, it has a green covering on it
which is white in the morning
I ate lunch at church
in fellowship
Today I feel at peace
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Wants and needs today
Spending time
in meditation and prayer
I have found some truth
with it ... some acceptance
No thing is more important
that my relationship with God
No thing, want, is worth losing
my physical or mental health sanity
God always gives us what we want
if we want it enough
and sometimes we suffer the consequences
of those wishes
Sometimes a dream
when it becomes a reality
is not what it seemed
and the reality is not
really in keeping
with today
and how I would like be, feel, live
Also sometimes
its necessary to be willing to let go
of what you really want
in order to find out whether
its meant to remain
what I really wanted then
I needed to know if its what I want now
and do I?
Do I really want it?
That thing
If you love someone/thing
you have to let it go
and if its meant to come back
it will
I agree
money, possessions, job, title
will not sustain happiness
long term
More prayer required
Because I have no idea
about much
All I know is that
I do not want another year like this
I was happy last year
I think
The promises are true
we can have anything we want
if we work for it
and I know this to be true
I am also knowing that
sometimes God given natural skills
combined with nurture
can mean not everything is
the right thing for us to do long term
some avenues are more dangerous long term
than others depending on whose walking down them
and what time in your life you are walking them
Sometimes getting what I want
is not necessarily what I need now
perhaps its time to let go absolutely
God will tell me when its time for me to know
in the meantime
keeping on
anylengths
which at the moment
includes a great deal of letting go
the first few verses
is like my heart singing to my "self"
letting it know
that it accepts myself will always be there
and is part of me
however my heart must be the motivator
it must be the one that drives
because it is the channel to God
and where God sits in me
and no matter what myself says
my heart cant take this
and myself is coming to believe its true
and self also doesnt want heart to suffer like this
in its current form
its not working
my heart has to be true to itSELF
It is in too deep
what you have given me is in there
deep in there
To thine own self be true
If I dont Let Go of myself (all of me)
I will not grow
And I know now that if one door
is closing no matter how slowly
there will be another one opening
which I havent spotted yet
see ya
in meditation and prayer
I have found some truth
with it ... some acceptance
No thing is more important
that my relationship with God
No thing, want, is worth losing
my physical or mental health sanity
God always gives us what we want
if we want it enough
and sometimes we suffer the consequences
of those wishes
Sometimes a dream
when it becomes a reality
is not what it seemed
and the reality is not
really in keeping
with today
and how I would like be, feel, live
Also sometimes
its necessary to be willing to let go
of what you really want
in order to find out whether
its meant to remain
what I really wanted then
I needed to know if its what I want now
and do I?
Do I really want it?
That thing
If you love someone/thing
you have to let it go
and if its meant to come back
it will
I agree
money, possessions, job, title
will not sustain happiness
long term
More prayer required
Because I have no idea
about much
All I know is that
I do not want another year like this
I was happy last year
I think
The promises are true
we can have anything we want
if we work for it
and I know this to be true
I am also knowing that
sometimes God given natural skills
combined with nurture
can mean not everything is
the right thing for us to do long term
some avenues are more dangerous long term
than others depending on whose walking down them
and what time in your life you are walking them
Sometimes getting what I want
is not necessarily what I need now
perhaps its time to let go absolutely
God will tell me when its time for me to know
in the meantime
keeping on
anylengths
which at the moment
includes a great deal of letting go
the first few verses
is like my heart singing to my "self"
letting it know
that it accepts myself will always be there
and is part of me
however my heart must be the motivator
it must be the one that drives
because it is the channel to God
and where God sits in me
and no matter what myself says
my heart cant take this
and myself is coming to believe its true
and self also doesnt want heart to suffer like this
in its current form
its not working
my heart has to be true to itSELF
It is in too deep
what you have given me is in there
deep in there
To thine own self be true
If I dont Let Go of myself (all of me)
I will not grow
And I know now that if one door
is closing no matter how slowly
there will be another one opening
which I havent spotted yet
see ya
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I know that He will find me ...
Dougie Maclean - she will find me
Dougie Maclean - she will find me
Although I an running recklessly
I know that He will find me
sometimes we search to deep
thats when the darkness feeds our fear
we turn away from one and another
just incase we get to near
I know that He will find me
even though i hiding with the shadows that I chase
even though I am running blindly
I know that He will find me
Its time to stop running
backing off
and stand still
see what happens
turn towards
face the light
open eyes
head up
walk on
Dougie Maclean - she will find me
Although I an running recklessly
I know that He will find me
sometimes we search to deep
thats when the darkness feeds our fear
we turn away from one and another
just incase we get to near
I know that He will find me
even though i hiding with the shadows that I chase
even though I am running blindly
I know that He will find me
Its time to stop running
backing off
and stand still
see what happens
turn towards
face the light
open eyes
head up
walk on
Friday, November 28, 2008
:)
enough now
time for some action
am I serious or not
I had to prove by action I was serious about recovery
action meant written work!
I have to prove I am serious about improving my conscious contact
If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one’s priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer. p87
i have
We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. p68
i will
somethings happened
a spiritual experience
somethings starting to feel
like its penetrating
where it needs to be
in my heart
its taking time
and willingness
and much pain
the battle inside me
is massive
and much turmoil
big storm
and I am being
tossed around
though
I feel a strength
a powerful hand of God
there
here
every time I get struck
from onside or another
somehow
somehow
the flimsy reed i imagined it was
is really all powerful
3 dimensional
4th dimensional even!
always is
i know
i feel
i love
you know I dont think I have cried
as much as I have this year
its exhausting
but must be necessary
or i would hold back
and resist!
I cant any more
it just comes
am powerless
crying most weeks
not every day
challenges
changes
the truth
coming up left right and centre
too hard to keep track of
Last night I let go
absolutely
today I changed
or is it really
today I came to accept
came to believe
what you already know to be true
ok i'm off to read
show willing
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Heating somehow fixed itself!?
had to turn it off
was too hot
what the feck!?
Still it made me move
my study stuff ... to the hmm .. study
wi fi didnt work last night
works tonight...
reckon it was in The Plan all along huh
I just hadnt twigged it!
well dad suggested it when I moved in
I didnt and did it my way
which is always best NOT!
ok i'm off another assignment to tackle
two days til i get a 4 day break!?
two days to hand this in
you lot all are so caring :)
thanks all noted
am considering a heater for my kitchen
its the only room avec no heat
we'll see
feeling better today
less hopeless
more hopefull
and made some progress
in some areas mentally
and physically less sick!
reading page 86 twice a day
and page 86 to end of chapter
once a day
and praying through the day
continue
improve
pass it on..
as for distractions
I havent the time or the inclination thesedays
to look at more distractions
handing the existing and old ones over
are enough
I try at all time to remember my primary purpose
In all areas/my affairs
focus focus focus
its often more helpful
to keep it simple
blogging and facebook
are enough distractions when I let them
whilst they serve a very important
role for me to keep in touch
with valuable fellowship
and overseas family
and somewhere to out the STUFF
I need them both at the moment
I need also to live more in the real world
real projects
real people
its in the Plan
my head tells me otherwise
God tells me so
no time for second life
This life is what I am to focus on
heating, light, health and food being primary!
Just for today I will be happy...
Just for today, I will find my just for today card
and read it!
thanks for the reminder
For the record... I am warm and snug
upstairs in the err 4th dimensional study
heat rises
:)
was too hot
what the feck!?
Still it made me move
my study stuff ... to the hmm .. study
wi fi didnt work last night
works tonight...
reckon it was in The Plan all along huh
I just hadnt twigged it!
well dad suggested it when I moved in
I didnt and did it my way
which is always best NOT!
ok i'm off another assignment to tackle
two days til i get a 4 day break!?
two days to hand this in
you lot all are so caring :)
thanks all noted
am considering a heater for my kitchen
its the only room avec no heat
we'll see
feeling better today
less hopeless
more hopefull
and made some progress
in some areas mentally
and physically less sick!
reading page 86 twice a day
and page 86 to end of chapter
once a day
and praying through the day
continue
improve
pass it on..
as for distractions
I havent the time or the inclination thesedays
to look at more distractions
handing the existing and old ones over
are enough
I try at all time to remember my primary purpose
In all areas/my affairs
focus focus focus
its often more helpful
to keep it simple
blogging and facebook
are enough distractions when I let them
whilst they serve a very important
role for me to keep in touch
with valuable fellowship
and overseas family
and somewhere to out the STUFF
I need them both at the moment
I need also to live more in the real world
real projects
real people
its in the Plan
my head tells me otherwise
God tells me so
no time for second life
This life is what I am to focus on
heating, light, health and food being primary!
Just for today I will be happy...
Just for today, I will find my just for today card
and read it!
thanks for the reminder
For the record... I am warm and snug
upstairs in the err 4th dimensional study
heat rises
:)
Monday, November 24, 2008
Do what you can . Not what you cant . or and acceptance is the answer...
I have accepted that changing
IS taking place whether I embrace it or not
and although I didnt know I was fighting it
my physical health tells me I have been
Its official I have let go some!
and I am changing, transforming
into what? God knows
Do what you can
not what you cant
I have been feeling less than
because I havent been able to do things
which I see my AA peers doing
and wondering whether I am making the progress
I think I am
and no matter how much
I try and do them things
its not possible
the doors keep shutting
I remain willing though
I am accepting sponsorship is
not on Gods plan for me at the moment
what I am seeing is that
he wants me integrating locally
not as an alcoholic
but as a good human being
(that you made me)
I found a local church
not of the denomination I would have
ordinarily chosen
but I went and joined in some
err fellowship believe it or not
and felt welcomed, part of
yeh its pretty lonely here
studying and working
meeting times are few and far between
BUT they would have been had I not moved
this is NOT a location issue
energy levels are depleting
God found me a church 7minutes walk away
in the heart of the neighbourhood
and they are active in stuff
also whats been suggested is
some voluntary work locally
to compliment my studies
i have no idea how I am to fit all this in
i am knackered already
but what I do know
is that if God wants me doing it
he WILL provide me what I need to do it
Its pretty challenging trying to figure out
what Gods will is for me
because it keeps changing
i know not to fight it
but what I dont know yet is often how to recognise
the change over signals
i'm still trying to climb the barbed wire fence
to what I know, what is familiar
when actually he wants me somewhere else
thats why the fence went up
Nightmares are coming
weird stuff
I mean weird
fraid of sleeping again
although that wont stop me
its all part of my mind reacting to the change
it knows is coming
all part of acceptance completely
This last week or so I am questioning
why I am studying
I am finding it very difficult
doing it, working out whats required
and fitting it all in
with work as well and all that
i dunno whats gonna happen
its affecting work
and work is affecting study
I am struggling to separate the two
so the desparate part of me says
well quit the course then!
the faithful and truthful part goes
well you only want to quit cos you
dont want to fail or get a crap mark!
and whet the heck will I do
IF I dont do this?
dispappear back into the rooms
and become a meeting junkie
and get bitter... like I used to be
if nothing changes they stop as they are
and for this ex drunk, who never took risks
life has become one continual risk
RECENTLY
its a flippin good job you are here GOD
and I am with you GOD
what the feck
I am freezing
cant get my heating to work properly
making do... with what I have
NOT what I havent!
Duvets, sweaters, layers
whats that no one ever died from cold!
err yes they did haha...
I am not that cold! exagerating
but its cold...
and when I was in the great war
we never had heating
only candles and fingerless gloves
ok, i'm off to do some more study
make another cuppa coffee
make an honest attempt
at another assignment
and see what happens
yours knackerdly grateful and sober
smiling with a snot icicle forming
God said
Johno remember you agreed to go to anylengths
My will not yours be done
well you are!
that praying you stepped out and did during the day?
do more of it
and that reading you did this morning?
do it again tomorrow
blind faith, obedience
discipline
persistance with less resistance
get on with it
and trust me
I love you
ok...ok
I love You too
IS taking place whether I embrace it or not
and although I didnt know I was fighting it
my physical health tells me I have been
Its official I have let go some!
and I am changing, transforming
into what? God knows
Do what you can
not what you cant
I have been feeling less than
because I havent been able to do things
which I see my AA peers doing
and wondering whether I am making the progress
I think I am
and no matter how much
I try and do them things
its not possible
the doors keep shutting
I remain willing though
I am accepting sponsorship is
not on Gods plan for me at the moment
what I am seeing is that
he wants me integrating locally
not as an alcoholic
but as a good human being
(that you made me)
I found a local church
not of the denomination I would have
ordinarily chosen
but I went and joined in some
err fellowship believe it or not
and felt welcomed, part of
yeh its pretty lonely here
studying and working
meeting times are few and far between
BUT they would have been had I not moved
this is NOT a location issue
energy levels are depleting
God found me a church 7minutes walk away
in the heart of the neighbourhood
and they are active in stuff
also whats been suggested is
some voluntary work locally
to compliment my studies
i have no idea how I am to fit all this in
i am knackered already
but what I do know
is that if God wants me doing it
he WILL provide me what I need to do it
Its pretty challenging trying to figure out
what Gods will is for me
because it keeps changing
i know not to fight it
but what I dont know yet is often how to recognise
the change over signals
i'm still trying to climb the barbed wire fence
to what I know, what is familiar
when actually he wants me somewhere else
thats why the fence went up
Nightmares are coming
weird stuff
I mean weird
fraid of sleeping again
although that wont stop me
its all part of my mind reacting to the change
it knows is coming
all part of acceptance completely
This last week or so I am questioning
why I am studying
I am finding it very difficult
doing it, working out whats required
and fitting it all in
with work as well and all that
i dunno whats gonna happen
its affecting work
and work is affecting study
I am struggling to separate the two
so the desparate part of me says
well quit the course then!
the faithful and truthful part goes
well you only want to quit cos you
dont want to fail or get a crap mark!
and whet the heck will I do
IF I dont do this?
dispappear back into the rooms
and become a meeting junkie
and get bitter... like I used to be
if nothing changes they stop as they are
and for this ex drunk, who never took risks
life has become one continual risk
RECENTLY
its a flippin good job you are here GOD
and I am with you GOD
what the feck
I am freezing
cant get my heating to work properly
making do... with what I have
NOT what I havent!
Duvets, sweaters, layers
whats that no one ever died from cold!
err yes they did haha...
I am not that cold! exagerating
but its cold...
and when I was in the great war
we never had heating
only candles and fingerless gloves
ok, i'm off to do some more study
make another cuppa coffee
make an honest attempt
at another assignment
and see what happens
yours knackerdly grateful and sober
smiling with a snot icicle forming
God said
Johno remember you agreed to go to anylengths
My will not yours be done
well you are!
that praying you stepped out and did during the day?
do more of it
and that reading you did this morning?
do it again tomorrow
blind faith, obedience
discipline
persistance with less resistance
get on with it
and trust me
I love you
ok...ok
I love You too
Friday, November 21, 2008
Motives - Perseverence - Obedience
Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.p27
Motives
Its time to take inventory
look at my motives
for why I do things
why I dont do things
are they working
why not
who
what
is it in keeping with spiritual principles
or driven by ego, greed, pride and fear?
self will
Even my motives for attending meetings
AA work... need a an honest look
so I am taking stock
on everything
I have too
God grant me the courage
to accept the things I connot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference
Gods will and willingness
a decision to do Gods will not mine! Step 3
an extraordinary combination
required over and over aagain
perseverence
Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. p85
I have had a spiritual experience this week
or is it hit a wall
tried to smash through ut
lay down surrendered
and as a result have been lifted up and over
I have also done a few things
which I am not sure that I am comfortable with
behaviours/actions that I had stopped doing
for one reason or another
are they relevant again now?
They were not helpful actions then
but after a period of abstinence
and a change on my inside
motives
have these same behaviours/actions
now become acceptable agian to me
albeit they are not exactly the same as they were before
rightsized, trimmed down and more healthy?
more in keeping with current
healthier lifestyle...
I will come back to you on that one
too early to know and say
I hear a Joyce Meyer on the God channnel tonight
say something like
when you are following Gods will
you will get knocked down
and get up
again and again and again and again
and again and again
you may lose what seems like everything
but the rewards are so rich
when you feel like you have ended up in the wilderness
you may have actually found heaven
obedience
giving into desires
does not necessarily lead to happiness
neither does not having desires
giving in to sin, defects of character
flaws, imperfections, addictions whatever they may be
obsessive thinking, stinking thinking
leads to unhappiness
God never promised US perfection
keep on keeping on
until HE SAYS your done!
Joyce also said
you need people around to tell you the truth
tell you when you are not walking the walk
I agree, truth teller are essential
I would also add
even when I think they are wrong
the feedback is so important
because somewhere along the line
they are right!
Accountability
I have heard this principle suggested to me
a couple of times now in the last 6 months
in different contexts
and I have passed it on to a couple of people
Rather like
sick as your secrets so out them
cast them out into the light
make these secrets accountable
when they are out, they lose their power
well this too can happen when
decisions are made
casting them out into the light
sharing them
making the decision real
strengthens it
and can also feel different
feel real or weak and shallow
then perhaps more prayer
or guidance as to motives may be required
my experience anyway
Had a night in tonight
I am exhausted
I cannot continue
the way I am
even the good things
are becoming detriMENTAL!
change is required
God show me what you want me to do...
Motives
Its time to take inventory
look at my motives
for why I do things
why I dont do things
are they working
why not
who
what
is it in keeping with spiritual principles
or driven by ego, greed, pride and fear?
self will
Even my motives for attending meetings
AA work... need a an honest look
so I am taking stock
on everything
I have too
God grant me the courage
to accept the things I connot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference
Gods will and willingness
a decision to do Gods will not mine! Step 3
an extraordinary combination
required over and over aagain
perseverence
Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. p85
I have had a spiritual experience this week
or is it hit a wall
tried to smash through ut
lay down surrendered
and as a result have been lifted up and over
I have also done a few things
which I am not sure that I am comfortable with
behaviours/actions that I had stopped doing
for one reason or another
are they relevant again now?
They were not helpful actions then
but after a period of abstinence
and a change on my inside
motives
have these same behaviours/actions
now become acceptable agian to me
albeit they are not exactly the same as they were before
rightsized, trimmed down and more healthy?
more in keeping with current
healthier lifestyle...
I will come back to you on that one
too early to know and say
I hear a Joyce Meyer on the God channnel tonight
say something like
when you are following Gods will
you will get knocked down
and get up
again and again and again and again
and again and again
you may lose what seems like everything
but the rewards are so rich
when you feel like you have ended up in the wilderness
you may have actually found heaven
obedience
giving into desires
does not necessarily lead to happiness
neither does not having desires
giving in to sin, defects of character
flaws, imperfections, addictions whatever they may be
obsessive thinking, stinking thinking
leads to unhappiness
God never promised US perfection
keep on keeping on
until HE SAYS your done!
Joyce also said
you need people around to tell you the truth
tell you when you are not walking the walk
I agree, truth teller are essential
I would also add
even when I think they are wrong
the feedback is so important
because somewhere along the line
they are right!
Accountability
I have heard this principle suggested to me
a couple of times now in the last 6 months
in different contexts
and I have passed it on to a couple of people
Rather like
sick as your secrets so out them
cast them out into the light
make these secrets accountable
when they are out, they lose their power
well this too can happen when
decisions are made
casting them out into the light
sharing them
making the decision real
strengthens it
and can also feel different
feel real or weak and shallow
then perhaps more prayer
or guidance as to motives may be required
my experience anyway
Had a night in tonight
I am exhausted
I cannot continue
the way I am
even the good things
are becoming detriMENTAL!
change is required
God show me what you want me to do...
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Sometimes All I need is the air that I breathe...
Hollies
If I could make a wish I think I'd pass
Can't think of anything I need
No cigarettes, no sleep, no light, no sound
Nothing to eat no books to read
Making love with you, has left me peaceful warm inside
What more could I ask
There's nothing left to be desired
Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
Just to have you now
All I need is the air that I breathe you're all I want
Peace came upon me and it breathes in me
Don't sleep silent angel don't you sleep
Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
just to have you now
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe you're all I want
Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
...................
Grateful
for fresh air
sea breeze
peace
willingness
love
and tolerence
bright blue eyes
what I have
the air that I breathe
Monday, November 17, 2008
Let go and let God - Lighten up - step 3
We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence. P133
(bus 133 used to take me home
from London Bridge ;)
feeling better again
sense of humour resuming THANK FRIKKIN GOD FOR THAT!
fear gone!
I dont know what I dont know
and whilst I project
I am missing out on the present moment
which is actually very good
I am working with another
a winner! and he is showing me
how we can work together
I feel like I have some
clear direction at last at work
my primary purpose?
to be of maximum helpfulness
WHATEVER MY ROLE!
volunteer not victim
I am still lacking on working with
other alkies
I am not really sure what the impact on this is having
how would I know!
Misery is optional...
my recent miserableness
could be put down to my lack of prayer and regular inventory
and lots of self will and fear!
would working with newcomers have helped
of course!
We make our own misery
... last as long as we like
I guess I dragged it out longer than
I actually could have done
... or could I?!
Sober and with direction
and a semblence of peace
(bus 133 used to take me home
from London Bridge ;)
feeling better again
sense of humour resuming THANK FRIKKIN GOD FOR THAT!
fear gone!
I dont know what I dont know
and whilst I project
I am missing out on the present moment
which is actually very good
I am working with another
a winner! and he is showing me
how we can work together
I feel like I have some
clear direction at last at work
my primary purpose?
to be of maximum helpfulness
WHATEVER MY ROLE!
volunteer not victim
I am still lacking on working with
other alkies
I am not really sure what the impact on this is having
how would I know!
Misery is optional...
my recent miserableness
could be put down to my lack of prayer and regular inventory
and lots of self will and fear!
would working with newcomers have helped
of course!
We make our own misery
... last as long as we like
I guess I dragged it out longer than
I actually could have done
... or could I?!
Sober and with direction
and a semblence of peace
Saturday, November 15, 2008
The critical point - is merely a jumping of point - a turning point
its the point where I turn away
or its the point where I turn towards
its the point where I ask for help
its the point to choose
its the point to accept spiritual help
its the point of surrender
its the point of no return
its the point of keeping on
its the point where faith is required
its the point where I hear its the pits
AND its the point where I hear the voices
in my head of AA's in meetings
over the last 5 years saying
dont quit before the miracle
its the point where I hear its falling to pieces
and I hear keep it in the day
its the point where I lose all hope of happiness
and its the point where I know because
I heard you say in meeting this too shall pass
Its the point where I THINK I cant do this any more
and its the point where I hear you saying
keep on keeping on
its the point where my old ideas have availed me nothing
and its the point where I hear you say
read step 3 take inventory and pray
its the point where I THINK i dont have a choice
and its the point where I have a choices
its the point where I think no one cant help or understand
its the point where I turn my difficulty over to God
its the point where I am on my knees
and its the point where I am lifted up
its the point where a am powerless
and its the point where I seek the all Powerful
Its the point where I realise the truth
its the point when I realise that I am nothing
without God
When I realise and feel that
Thats the point when I feel Love
Its that point where a spiritual experience occurs
thats the point when I feel the sunlight and grow
Its that point where You show me a garden thats bursting into life
2 minutes 11 & 12 seconds is the moment
blink and you miss it!
I am grateful
I am sober
I have not self harmed
I have been able to cry lots recently
That I have been able to say how I feel
that I accepted somethings not working
and have put myself entirely in Gods hands
that I feel a sense of freedom
inspite of the ever underlying fear
that I feel more peaceful
that I have continued
that I have emptied quite a few boxes today
that I have painted some walls
that I have hung washing out on my line
that I have feel good watching it blow in the wind
that I enjoy nature and what she brings me free
that I am alive to experience it all
that I notice which are the voices of doom and turn away
that I have an absolute faith
that I eventually remember to surrender aswell as pray
that I have a design for living that works
even in rough going p15 & P28
I am grateful you passed it on
I am grateful I was there to hear it
or its the point where I turn towards
its the point where I ask for help
its the point to choose
its the point to accept spiritual help
its the point of surrender
its the point of no return
its the point of keeping on
its the point where faith is required
its the point where I hear its the pits
AND its the point where I hear the voices
in my head of AA's in meetings
over the last 5 years saying
dont quit before the miracle
its the point where I hear its falling to pieces
and I hear keep it in the day
its the point where I lose all hope of happiness
and its the point where I know because
I heard you say in meeting this too shall pass
Its the point where I THINK I cant do this any more
and its the point where I hear you saying
keep on keeping on
its the point where my old ideas have availed me nothing
and its the point where I hear you say
read step 3 take inventory and pray
its the point where I THINK i dont have a choice
and its the point where I have a choices
its the point where I think no one cant help or understand
its the point where I turn my difficulty over to God
its the point where I am on my knees
and its the point where I am lifted up
its the point where a am powerless
and its the point where I seek the all Powerful
Its the point where I realise the truth
its the point when I realise that I am nothing
without God
When I realise and feel that
Thats the point when I feel Love
Its that point where a spiritual experience occurs
thats the point when I feel the sunlight and grow
Its that point where You show me a garden thats bursting into life
2 minutes 11 & 12 seconds is the moment
blink and you miss it!
I am grateful
I am sober
I have not self harmed
I have been able to cry lots recently
That I have been able to say how I feel
that I accepted somethings not working
and have put myself entirely in Gods hands
that I feel a sense of freedom
inspite of the ever underlying fear
that I feel more peaceful
that I have continued
that I have emptied quite a few boxes today
that I have painted some walls
that I have hung washing out on my line
that I have feel good watching it blow in the wind
that I enjoy nature and what she brings me free
that I am alive to experience it all
that I notice which are the voices of doom and turn away
that I have an absolute faith
that I eventually remember to surrender aswell as pray
that I have a design for living that works
even in rough going p15 & P28
I am grateful you passed it on
I am grateful I was there to hear it
Thursday, November 13, 2008
First Things First
Everything I put in front
of my recovery
I will Lose
Fact
Everything I put ahead
of God
I will lose
Fact
Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. p98
I am at a critical point yet again
I have made choices
some I am not sure are will lead me
to heaven
although who am I to predict what heaven is
on this earth plane
I have taken some risks this week
opened myself up
and cried quite alot more
than I ever imagined I would
or could
I am not sure when all this will stop
and I am not sure
whether I am doing any of this right
my true self appears
without me realising
and I have no idea
whether its helping or not helping
I have no idea
what the heck is happening at the moment
I seem to be doing
just doing
when I think
it gets me in trouble
My step 10's showed me tonight
That at the moment
I am thinking and beleiving
I am nothing without my job
I will not be able to survive
So death will occur
metaphorically speaking!
or is it!!
I went and stood by the sea tonight
it was very dark
the air was clear
night birds were around and about
it was still
there were lighthouses dotted
along the estuary
I asked my Creater to show me
what I need to do next
because I am really stuck
and afraid and need to know!
I felt a sense of
I didnt feel alone
nor lonely
nor cold
nor afraid
came over me
First things First
Put your recovery First
Step 10 and 11 are no good without 12
Long term
How long to sing this song?
I wanna run I wanna hide
U2 40 and bounce bounce bounce!
Stand tall
turn up til they tell you not to
and keep it in the frikkin day!
self will run riot
gets me absolutely No Where!
Solution?
Step 3
and work with another alcoholic!
God is with us... if we are with Them
Them the great them
Service
Grateful
that I have this opportunity
to pray by the Great Ocean
Thank you
of my recovery
I will Lose
Fact
Everything I put ahead
of God
I will lose
Fact
Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. p98
I am at a critical point yet again
I have made choices
some I am not sure are will lead me
to heaven
although who am I to predict what heaven is
on this earth plane
I have taken some risks this week
opened myself up
and cried quite alot more
than I ever imagined I would
or could
I am not sure when all this will stop
and I am not sure
whether I am doing any of this right
my true self appears
without me realising
and I have no idea
whether its helping or not helping
I have no idea
what the heck is happening at the moment
I seem to be doing
just doing
when I think
it gets me in trouble
My step 10's showed me tonight
That at the moment
I am thinking and beleiving
I am nothing without my job
I will not be able to survive
So death will occur
metaphorically speaking!
or is it!!
I went and stood by the sea tonight
it was very dark
the air was clear
night birds were around and about
it was still
there were lighthouses dotted
along the estuary
I asked my Creater to show me
what I need to do next
because I am really stuck
and afraid and need to know!
I felt a sense of
I didnt feel alone
nor lonely
nor cold
nor afraid
came over me
First things First
Put your recovery First
Step 10 and 11 are no good without 12
Long term
How long to sing this song?
I wanna run I wanna hide
U2 40 and bounce bounce bounce!
Stand tall
turn up til they tell you not to
and keep it in the frikkin day!
self will run riot
gets me absolutely No Where!
Solution?
Step 3
and work with another alcoholic!
God is with us... if we are with Them
Them the great them
Service
Grateful
that I have this opportunity
to pray by the Great Ocean
Thank you
Monday, November 10, 2008
The inventory was ours, not the other man´s - P67
Came across this
Witchcraft, witches and wicca
reclaiming
and much to my surprise
It all makes sense
and its not as weird as Imagined
And this Starhawk
and this Diggin it
took my own inventory over the weekend
and wrote out and prayed out
my resentments
Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man´s. p67
I came up with my response
a reasonable opinion
my side of the street
towards the unreasonablemess
I had listened to on Friday
without resentment
but with meaning
and I cried!
Somewhat a relief
It has forced me to make a decision
at work
I have realised that I have been
working in a kind of a bad marriage
and its not what I go to work for
or get paid to do
or need to continue in
and its time to stop and let go
with full knowledge
that the world will NOT stop turning
and I will continue to breathe
as will the rest of the floor
I have no idea what will happen
but what I do know is that
making this decision is the right one today
my heart has been unhappy in this area
with this person for a while now
its stopped working
time to let go and let god
ok i'm off to bed
rather early but I am knackered
working for the greater good is exhausting
but worth it
I'm no Superman - Scrubs
Witchcraft, witches and wicca
reclaiming
and much to my surprise
It all makes sense
and its not as weird as Imagined
And this Starhawk
and this Diggin it
took my own inventory over the weekend
and wrote out and prayed out
my resentments
Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man´s. p67
I came up with my response
a reasonable opinion
my side of the street
towards the unreasonablemess
I had listened to on Friday
without resentment
but with meaning
and I cried!
Somewhat a relief
It has forced me to make a decision
at work
I have realised that I have been
working in a kind of a bad marriage
and its not what I go to work for
or get paid to do
or need to continue in
and its time to stop and let go
with full knowledge
that the world will NOT stop turning
and I will continue to breathe
as will the rest of the floor
I have no idea what will happen
but what I do know is that
making this decision is the right one today
my heart has been unhappy in this area
with this person for a while now
its stopped working
time to let go and let god
ok i'm off to bed
rather early but I am knackered
working for the greater good is exhausting
but worth it
I'm no Superman - Scrubs
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Ego and Money - arrogance and greed
are these your drivers?
I have to say that
I have listened to these loud mouthed
defects, flaws, nuisances
at times
thankfully thesedays
I recognise them
not long after they infiltrate
Usually a feeling of uncomfortableness
follows after penetration!
Following them usually IS
The Road To nowhere
Its says
Well we know where we are going
but we dont know where we've been
feels abit
self willed to know where were going
and abit dishonest to not know where i've been..
I reckon God in all honesty
I dont know where i'm going
but I know where i've been!
and as soon after as possible
dig out the sting
and natural being and growth resumes
anyway I verging on digressing
God given skills
God provides
seek out the god given skills
and grow them!
and they will flourish
into a richness that no money can provide
and a fullness that no ego can bolster
Asked my lecturer to cast his eye over
my essay, like he offered to for us all
and he said on the whole covered what I needed
So I shall await the mark...
Preferring not to get into study huddles
and last minute fear driven desperate attempts
to get it RIGHT whatever right is...
apparantly there are no wrongs
its dependent upon your skillfullness
no we shall see
the hardest part WAS putting that first word
down on that blank piece of paper
taking a risk and allowing an opinion to form
We a few opinions are forming
all over the place
I think my skin is starting to thicken
as it must
the good is the enemy of the best
and as I see so often at work
and outside
ego and money are not good drivers
both linked with self will run riot
both are not about living in the present
both are not about needs
they are about wants
goodness is an inside job
and begins with honesty
More tough times at work
however and excellent review
better than the last
however I also received some
constructive feedback which I have
never received before and alwasy wanted
now I have it, I am not sure how to deal with it..
bizarre
I keep switching from
well it was a crap review then
to well it cant be because overall
the mark was better than the previous
and that was highly effective...
just the feedback is something to work on
Oh well I dunno!
off to pray
and sleep
hope the wind dies down
for the morning bike ride
I have to say that
I have listened to these loud mouthed
defects, flaws, nuisances
at times
thankfully thesedays
I recognise them
not long after they infiltrate
Usually a feeling of uncomfortableness
follows after penetration!
Following them usually IS
The Road To nowhere
Its says
Well we know where we are going
but we dont know where we've been
feels abit
self willed to know where were going
and abit dishonest to not know where i've been..
I reckon God in all honesty
I dont know where i'm going
but I know where i've been!
and as soon after as possible
dig out the sting
and natural being and growth resumes
anyway I verging on digressing
God given skills
God provides
seek out the god given skills
and grow them!
and they will flourish
into a richness that no money can provide
and a fullness that no ego can bolster
Asked my lecturer to cast his eye over
my essay, like he offered to for us all
and he said on the whole covered what I needed
So I shall await the mark...
Preferring not to get into study huddles
and last minute fear driven desperate attempts
to get it RIGHT whatever right is...
apparantly there are no wrongs
its dependent upon your skillfullness
no we shall see
the hardest part WAS putting that first word
down on that blank piece of paper
taking a risk and allowing an opinion to form
We a few opinions are forming
all over the place
I think my skin is starting to thicken
as it must
the good is the enemy of the best
and as I see so often at work
and outside
ego and money are not good drivers
both linked with self will run riot
both are not about living in the present
both are not about needs
they are about wants
goodness is an inside job
and begins with honesty
More tough times at work
however and excellent review
better than the last
however I also received some
constructive feedback which I have
never received before and alwasy wanted
now I have it, I am not sure how to deal with it..
bizarre
I keep switching from
well it was a crap review then
to well it cant be because overall
the mark was better than the previous
and that was highly effective...
just the feedback is something to work on
Oh well I dunno!
off to pray
and sleep
hope the wind dies down
for the morning bike ride
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Humility
Humility
Humility is rare because to have it you have to want nothing, yet when you have it you get everything.
Innerspace
Elton John - Can you feel the love tonight?
Humility is rare because to have it you have to want nothing, yet when you have it you get everything.
Innerspace
Elton John - Can you feel the love tonight?
Monday, November 03, 2008
Dont listen to your head... when you are full of fear or have defective thinking
But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened.P37
See I have discussed some of my stuff
from Friday with my manager
and she already knows
I am a reflector
and what I said on Friday
will undoubtedly somewhat have changed
by today
and its true
it has
I can see now where the fear wanted me
outer there as far away as possible
but I can see today
the its not necessary to run off
no need to go anywhere infact
until they close the door and tell me so
The next few days
I feel will reveal alot about
the future at work
short term
stuff I am powerless over
and I have a work review on Friday
too
action is done
its time to let go
what I mean by the title is that
before it seemed like a good idea
to take a drink
these stuations were definitely
where I would either be in the bar
or at home replaying stuff over and over
predicting, making plans and schemes
well I cant stop the tape so to speak
but I can take action
so while the tapes playing
I can do, that it do the next right thing
regardless of what The Head tells me
The facts are its ok
good budgetting is essential
luxury is out the window
for the moment
but then its how I want to live anyway
I have what I need
and it is actually what I want
its only my head that tells me otherwise
my heart however... is happy
although it could do with a cuddle
and someone to write my essay!
home is where the heart is.. at its most happiest
yet as I research my essay
I really see ho good I got it
compared to some
John butler Trio - Home is where the heart is
is the destruction that fear from within creates
less than the destruction caused from without?
or is all destruction equal?
See I have discussed some of my stuff
from Friday with my manager
and she already knows
I am a reflector
and what I said on Friday
will undoubtedly somewhat have changed
by today
and its true
it has
I can see now where the fear wanted me
outer there as far away as possible
but I can see today
the its not necessary to run off
no need to go anywhere infact
until they close the door and tell me so
The next few days
I feel will reveal alot about
the future at work
short term
stuff I am powerless over
and I have a work review on Friday
too
action is done
its time to let go
what I mean by the title is that
before it seemed like a good idea
to take a drink
these stuations were definitely
where I would either be in the bar
or at home replaying stuff over and over
predicting, making plans and schemes
well I cant stop the tape so to speak
but I can take action
so while the tapes playing
I can do, that it do the next right thing
regardless of what The Head tells me
The facts are its ok
good budgetting is essential
luxury is out the window
for the moment
but then its how I want to live anyway
I have what I need
and it is actually what I want
its only my head that tells me otherwise
my heart however... is happy
although it could do with a cuddle
and someone to write my essay!
home is where the heart is.. at its most happiest
yet as I research my essay
I really see ho good I got it
compared to some
John butler Trio - Home is where the heart is
is the destruction that fear from within creates
less than the destruction caused from without?
or is all destruction equal?
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Restless Irritable Discontented? Go to a meeting!
I SHOULD know by now
if I think I a meeting will help?
it probably will
It was raining last night
I couldnt settle
I didnt want to go out in the rain...
and I didnt want to sit feeling restless..
yet the restlessness had become
unmanageable that I couldnt do ANYTHING!
or NOTHING! you know that one?!
I called up a local AA
and she said
well i'm going to the meeting its my home group
I do service, so I go whether its raining or not..
why dont you come, I could drop you home
if I can find my way..
I could hear myself coming up with excuses
I could hear myself..!
you know if it were my home group
I would be going toooo...
it isnt, so whats the difference
anyway I went, it stopped raining so hard
by the time I left home
and I felt better for going!
Quelle suprise
I need grounding
so much going on
meetings and God are stability
in uncertain and challenging times
that dark voice is whispering stuff at me
and I dont like it!
I feel so self obsessed its unbearable
selfish and thoughtless
Like no-one ever felt like am now feeling
yet right now as I write this I feel
almost ok
reminded, my pain is all in my mind
yet again
I see the grave emotional and mental disorder
that I have
even when I HAVE everything I want
and need
I still feel afraid
the disease that wants more
and is afraid of losing
or not being able to cope
is afraid of change
and assumes the worst
and everything
is a deliberate attempt to sabotage
my life
paranoia!
I felt like someone had ripped a huge
elastoplast of me in the last hour at work
on Friday..
change
Financial insecurity
Anger
Powerlessness
somethings stopped working
hearts not in it
and it wont return
I keep trying
Time to
LET GO AND LET GOD
Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.P98
I was terrified and in panic on Friday
went to home group
in fact I couldnt wait to be there
God will always provide
Faith
Saturday it shifted
went to a meeting
and today I feel
more towards peaceful
I am enjoying my new home
in fact I love it
even though I have teething problems
cant work out the heating timer
no hot water, only heating
then only hot water and no heating
Did some cooking today
and gardening
and studying
and shopped
and yoga
and praying
and my heating finally came on! YAY!
I think! I know how it works now :)
Golden Brown - Stranglers
if I think I a meeting will help?
it probably will
It was raining last night
I couldnt settle
I didnt want to go out in the rain...
and I didnt want to sit feeling restless..
yet the restlessness had become
unmanageable that I couldnt do ANYTHING!
or NOTHING! you know that one?!
I called up a local AA
and she said
well i'm going to the meeting its my home group
I do service, so I go whether its raining or not..
why dont you come, I could drop you home
if I can find my way..
I could hear myself coming up with excuses
I could hear myself..!
you know if it were my home group
I would be going toooo...
it isnt, so whats the difference
anyway I went, it stopped raining so hard
by the time I left home
and I felt better for going!
Quelle suprise
I need grounding
so much going on
meetings and God are stability
in uncertain and challenging times
that dark voice is whispering stuff at me
and I dont like it!
I feel so self obsessed its unbearable
selfish and thoughtless
Like no-one ever felt like am now feeling
yet right now as I write this I feel
almost ok
reminded, my pain is all in my mind
yet again
I see the grave emotional and mental disorder
that I have
even when I HAVE everything I want
and need
I still feel afraid
the disease that wants more
and is afraid of losing
or not being able to cope
is afraid of change
and assumes the worst
and everything
is a deliberate attempt to sabotage
my life
paranoia!
I felt like someone had ripped a huge
elastoplast of me in the last hour at work
on Friday..
change
Financial insecurity
Anger
Powerlessness
somethings stopped working
hearts not in it
and it wont return
I keep trying
Time to
LET GO AND LET GOD
Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.P98
I was terrified and in panic on Friday
went to home group
in fact I couldnt wait to be there
God will always provide
Faith
Saturday it shifted
went to a meeting
and today I feel
more towards peaceful
I am enjoying my new home
in fact I love it
even though I have teething problems
cant work out the heating timer
no hot water, only heating
then only hot water and no heating
Did some cooking today
and gardening
and studying
and shopped
and yoga
and praying
and my heating finally came on! YAY!
I think! I know how it works now :)
Golden Brown - Stranglers
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